My boyfriend shames me

[Preety_India]

@Serotoninluv he exactly told me what you wrote in quote. He told me I'm being overly sensitive and that this is  how men are and he told me that he is telling me the truth and said if I can't handle it then I am a child. 

[ajasatya]

@Preety_India I would tell him to go find his grown up girlfriend who enjoys being called "fat" somewhere else .

But I still would work towards being in shape because Life feels a lot better on a fit body. I've been exercising a lot lately and my mood has improved.

[Preety_India]

5 minutes ago, modmyth said:

He's acting like a douche.

It sounds like he could be feeding off your negative emotional reaction/ provocation, as some do. Maybe he legitimately cares about your wellbeing, but it's clear that whatever he's doing isn't going to help you.

 

2 minutes ago, modmyth said:

Girl, you need boundaries/ to develop higher self esteem.

Whenever I give him a negative response or reaction out of provocation, he mocks and ridicules me like he enjoyed it. One day I confronted him about it and he said it's word ammunition. But I told him it hurts. 

He doesn't care about my well-being at all. In fact I'm the one who cares a lot about him and he relies me for emotional support whenever he is having a tough time and that happens almost alternate day. I always think that it's my duty to support him but I have been drained by only giving affection yet not receiving any. He won't even be grateful. Mostly at the end of our conversations he abruptly leaves saying he is busy so I am only used when he needs me. 

If I protest about his behavior, he says he can find better women. 

I have begun to confront him more often now but it doesn't help. And he apologizes when I disappear for longer periods and begs me to come back which pulls me back to him

I tried breaking off several times but he gets very persuasive. 

 

I feel that in the end I will be left too heartbroken because he has been constantly hinting that I'm on thin ice. I get the feeling that he will ditch me. 

I'm working on my self esteem but having loved him so deeply makes it very hard to face an eventual breakup so I try whatever to save the relationship but it has taken me to the edge of my life. 

 

[DrewNows]

This is a good start. Now breath and be present 

[Lento]

A good partner would tell you that he's worried for your health if you gained weight, that he's worried you're insomniac if you slept late.

For the sake of God, LEAVE HIM!

[DrewNows]

1 minute ago, Lento said:

A good partner would tell you that he's worried for your health if you gained weight, that he's worried you're insomniac if you slept late.

For the sake of God, LEAVE HIM!

She doesn’t deserve a good partner,,,not yet  (unless of course she’s left him and found another partner ) 

We must accept what we have been given, there is no moving on without acceptance 

[DrewNows]

@Preety_India he’s not the enemy, we are our own enemy (enemy stands for him and me) 

give attention to who isn’t receiving it 

[Lento]

27 minutes ago, DrewNows said:

She doesn’t deserve a good partner,,,not yet  (unless of course she’s left him and found another partner )

So a child born with a deficiency does not deserve to be healthy?

Look at her actively trying to become a better person, look at this whole thread. Her boyfriend is an asshole, and yet she comes here asking how to make it work. She deserves a better boyfriend and he doesn't deserve the clippings of her nails.

I get what you mean though, but I think there might be a gap in your communication, not everyone will understand your deep spiritual advice the same way you do, sometimes you gotta speak a similar and a simpler language.

Edited November 11, 2019 by Lento

[DrewNows]

5 minutes ago, Lento said:

So a child born with a deficiency does not deserve to be born healthy?

believe it or not the soul of this child has chosen this path for a reason 

Look at her actively trying to become a better person, look at this whole thread. Her boyfriend is an asshole, and yet she comes here asking how to make it work. She deserves a better boyfriend and he doesn't deserve the clips of her nails.
the counter intuitive understanding is that her boyfriend is treating her this way for a reason, for her growth in her relationship with herself, blaming doesn’t do us any good. Blaming others is blaming ourselves so we should give ourselves the attention and introspection we deserve to grow and adapt, create a whole new me

I get what you mean though, but I think there might be a gap in your communication, not everyone will understand your deep spiritual advice the same way you do, sometimes you gotta speak a similar and a simpler language.

we are doing the work ??

 

Edited November 11, 2019 by DrewNows

[Lento]

@DrewNows

I mean no offence, but I don't believe that lol. Anyway, trying to treat the child would probably be a better idea than simply accepting his defect, would you not agree? We aren't blaming her boyfriend, we're just putting him in the right category for her to become able to break up and for her to move on with her life to healthier places. She needs some motivation and emotional support, and he's draining it all, so we are offering some.

Edited November 11, 2019 by Lento

[DrewNows]

Just now, Lento said:

@DrewNows

I mean no offence, but I don't believe that lol. Anyway, trying to treat the child would probably be a better idea than simply accepting his defect, would you not agree? We aren't blaming her boyfriend, we're just putting him in the right category for her to become able to break up. She needs some motivation and emotional support, and he's draining it all, so we can offer some.

No. You’re wrong again by choosing to focus on him rather than her. She knows what category he is but she doesn’t see herself and that’s why she’s in her situation, it’s a necessary evil, not something she could have avoided. She can get the emotional support and motivation but it’s not what will help her cause. With the child analogy it’s about getting into the child’s shoes and supporting their best foot forward 

 

[Lento]

@DrewNows

I don't think there's one fixed way to look at any case. I think that would be a limitation. Instead, we can look at everything using different lenses, there's this lens which is nice, and there's that other lens which is nice as well. So, choosing to focus on her would be a good lens, and choosing to focus on her boyfriend would be another lens. I believe the two lenses don't invalidate each other, but rather complete each other to display a clearer picture.

Surrendering is great, but the ego can be useful sometimes as well, we don't need to demonise it all the time, perhaps shining some light upon it can be enough. I think sometimes we gotta stand for ourselves and others and stop some unnecessary evils.

(I'm enjoying this conversation, and you are awesome btw).

Edited November 11, 2019 by Lento

[Ananta]

@Preety_India Welp, sometimes situations and ppl come into our lives to dig up (trigger) past hurts and wounds in us that we aren't yet to clear on or we don't yet have solid boundaries.

Which allow others to hurt us deeply, giving away our power/energy to them. They then have the upper hand, which causes us to feel weak and our boundaries become even weaker. It can be a downward spiral effect. 

Best you can do is really soul search what you want and if that person is 1) willing and 2) capable of providing it, if so but that's not happening, it may be your communication and boundaries need serious work. But, if not, it's time to set boundaries and leave the situation.

 

"When you complain, you make yourself a victim. Leave the situation, change the situation, or accept it. All else is madness."

Eckhart Tolle

 

[DrewNows]

@Lento you are too ? 

And touché 

Great points ?

The ego can be one tough cookie to crumble 
 

I like the counter intuitive approach because often it doesn’t have to do with what we know but are unwilling to accept. It’s like oh yeah here’s a new spin move you can try out in your spotlight vision 

 

[CreamCat]

1 hour ago, Mikael89 said:

I think the ugly truth is that he's a abusive alpha male who all women fall for.

Obviously, he's too hot to just dump. Otherwise, she wouldn't have endured an asshole.

Edited November 11, 2019 by CreamCat

[Leo Gura]

@Preety_India You are too conscious to be in a relationship with him.

If you're into this work, you need to find partners who are willing to actually communicate, self-reflect, and be conscious about how they relate with you.

Find a guy who values personal development so you can be on the same page.

Don't get stuck in a dead-end relationship. It's better to be single.

[Ananta]

3 minutes ago, CreamCat said:

Obviously, he's too hot to just leave. Otherwise, she wouldn't have endured his attitude.

Did you stop to think maybe she loves him?

[DrewNows]

4 minutes ago, Anna1 said:

Did you stop to think maybe she loves him?

I think @CreamCat is playing into his story mode 

 

[CreamCat]

12 minutes ago, Anna1 said:

Did you stop to think maybe she loves him?

I'm sure she does in some way. But, I think no one but God loves him unconditionally. There's something she loves about him.

If she hates his personality, what else can she love about him? I guess it's his looks or sporadic moments of kindness that he displays. Women can fall for sporadic moments of kindness, but I bet it's his looks because he chose to be an asshole.

I met guys like him.

Edited November 11, 2019 by CreamCat

[CreamCat]

2 minutes ago, Mikael89 said:

he's a abusive alpha male badboy asshole.

Right. For a man to be an alpha asshole, he needs to have social status and looks and power. It's not just about looks.

I know an alpha male who had three girl friends simultaneously. His girl friends knew each other.

Edited November 11, 2019 by CreamCat