My boyfriend shames me

[Preety_India]

I didn't have the courage to come up with this. But I decided I had to. So I recently gained some weight, not much though, only a few pounds. But when I told my boyfriend about this it didn't go down well with him. 

Now every time we have an argument he brings up my weight and calls me fat even though I don't look fat. This has been bothering me for a while to the point like I don't feel like talking to him anymore. I'm beginning to lose interest. 

He has shamed a lot over the past few months. It can be just anything something as small as sleeping late or watching a movie. 

And it's not just during arguments. But also during usual conversations and he casually insults me and wishes he had found someone else. 

How am I supposed to cope with this. Is it best to leave him because I don't feel comfortable at all being constantly targeted. 

His comments have gotten to me. 

 

[Spiral]

25 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

How am I supposed to cope with this. Is it best to leave him because I don't feel comfortable at all being constantly targeted. 

Yup. Seems like a unhealthy relationship. 

[DoubleYou]

Thank you for sharing this. That doesn't sound healthy at all.
Try to confront him with this and tell him how much it hurts you and if he doesn't want to listen it's probably time to move on. 

You can't waste your time being with people that make you feel less of yourself.
I hope you'll find the courage to make the right choice. Just make sure to not let this linger on and on and on. That wouldn't help either of you in the long run.

??

[Arcangelo]

Wow just wow! You just confirmed what my dating coach says about female nature.

 

[Preety_India]

@Arcangelo I don't even know what you mean. 

 

[Arcangelo]

You are looking for his validation, he is not giving it to you that's why you are still with him.

[Leo Gura]

@Preety_India This is a communication problem. You need to communicate authentically with him. Tell him exactly what you told us and leave room for him to speak his mind.

There cannot be a relationship without honest and genuine communication where both partners can air their thoughts & feelings without argumentation or debate. It's called "clearing". You two sit down, each takes 5 minutes to talk without interruption and gets everything of his/her chest. Then you switch sides. No interrupting, no debating, no rebutting, no justifying, no criticizing, no name-calling, no blaming. Just say how you feel and what you want. Let him do the same.

Of course he must be emotionally mature enough to handle this kind of communication.

If he cannot handle it, if he refuses to try it and put effort into it, then leave him because it will never work anyway. A relationship with such a person is impossible.

[28 cm unbuffed]

@Leo Gura  Great stuff man, just what I needed right now in my life, thank you.

[remember]

@Preety_India  it`s really difficult to say and maybe you can try to address this. but it could be that it is a pattern in him that goes much deeper than that. reminds me of narcissistic behavior - finding every weak point, using it against you, doesn`t matter if it`s still about the topic you were arguing about. he can`t give up on the power even if you might be right. it`s a very toxic behavior and if he can`t get over it, yes leave him, if you can. at least stay very attentive about how this might take you down a spiral into a really unhealthy dynamic, if he can do that without you making clear to him that he oversteps a limit and if he even gets more aggressive about that it will even get worse, if the pointing towards it makes it worse, yes leave.

it`s good to talk about it, mostly these dynamics can only happen because women don`t feel it is right to talk about it or even have someone to talk about it towards who is trustable.

Edited November 10, 2019 by remember

[Lubomir]

@Preety_India At first, just tell him that you don't feel good about it at all. Sometimes we tend to think that the other person know and is conscious about everything we do.

Maybe he's just isn't aware of it. Leo basically said the same.

This might not be problem at all.

 

GL

[remember]

8 minutes ago, Lubomir said:

@Preety_India At first, just tell him that you don't feel good about it at all. Sometimes we tend to think that the other person know and is conscious about everything we do.

Maybe he's just isn't aware of it. Leo basically said the same.

This might not be problem at all.

 

GL

yeah because it probably wouldn`t be for you!

[Key Elements]

Sorry to hear this. I would just detach from him. Do my own thing and work on my life purpose. I would give it maybe a week without contacting him and see how he responds during that week. If he is obsessed and pissed, I would not respond with much. I would just say something like, "I'm busy. I don't have time to talk like that." The two of you don't live together, right? If not, this makes it easier. If this misunderstanding persists, you may want to eventually let him go.

[Lubomir]

4 hours ago, remember said:

yeah because it probably wouldn`t be for you!

There's 2 points which you can be refering to, so...

If it's that it wouldn't be a problem for me to tell him in a serious way that I don't want from him to do that any longer, othervise I'm leaving, then yes, it wouldn't - and you're right, maybe I'm overpowering Pretty India...

But if it's on that side that I would live with that problem anyway...?

Oh, come on :D, in my past, maybe, but not anymore

[remember]

1 minute ago, Lubomir said:

There's 2 points which you can be refering to, so...

If it's that it wouldn't be a problem for me to tell him in a serious way that I don't want from him to do that any longer, othervise I'm leaving, then yes, it wouldn't - and you're right, maybe I'm overpowering Pretty India...

But if it's on that side that I would live with that problem anyway...?

Oh, come on :D, in my past, maybe, but not anymore

huh no i meant if you were the guy. what i wanted to work out for her what really is the difference between a man who maybe can handle that and one who might not.

@Preety_India it also depends on how much energy you want to put into helping him change if he takes some time to understand. how open to change is he really? it`s reall difficult, in the end you can`t change him, he can only do that for himself.

[Nickyy]

6 hours ago, Arcangelo said:

You are looking for his validation, he is not giving it to you that's why you are still with him.

The feminine aspect of women grows by being seen, heard, understood, encouraged and supported. The masculine aspect of a woman grows by challenge and being challenged.  

Some women stay in abusive relationships not because they are seeking validation, but because they are committed. It causes a woman pain to be put down, but she stays because the feminine side of her wants relationship and connection more than anything, and she will use her masculine resources to make that happen. But when the polarity gets too out of whack, when her feminine is not being tended to and she is over using her masculine just to keep hold of the relationship, that's when negative health consequence can take over. 

When the man fails to live upto his potential the woman will leave. And rightly so.

Edited November 10, 2019 by Nickyy

[Emerald]

8 hours ago, Preety_India said:

I didn't have the courage to come up with this. But I decided I had to. So I recently gained some weight, not much though, only a few pounds. But when I told my boyfriend about this it didn't go down well with him. 

Now every time we have an argument he brings up my weight and calls me fat even though I don't look fat. This has been bothering me for a while to the point like I don't feel like talking to him anymore. I'm beginning to lose interest. 

He has shamed a lot over the past few months. It can be just anything something as small as sleeping late or watching a movie. 

And it's not just during arguments. But also during usual conversations and he casually insults me and wishes he had found someone else. 

How am I supposed to cope with this. Is it best to leave him because I don't feel comfortable at all being constantly targeted. 

His comments have gotten to me. 

 

He is being emotionally abusive to you. He feels weak and so he feels that he needs to put you down and suppress you and put out your light. So, he will find every opportunity to cut you down. 

Leave now, or you will eventually grow accustomed to the abuse and will suppress so much of yourself just to exist in a small space for him. You will become a shell of the person you once were.

He will not change. He does this because he has a lot of problems to work out, and most people do not change. He needs to see you small. So, if you stay in the relationship, you are agreeing to smallness.

 

[Lubomir]

@remember Oh, right

1 hour ago, remember said:

huh no i meant if you were the guy. what i wanted to work out for her what really is the difference between a man who maybe can handle that and one who might not.

@Preety_India

Atleast I know that I need to still work on this thing. Obviously I still have some connection with it... Thx

 

And to @Preety_India. If you already did that (told him that you're not happy in a serious way) and that you need change -> and he didn't respond in a right way. Then, leave him... maybe try to give him a lesson (as few people said). Maybe he will understand and change after you leav him.

But maybe not. Be prepared to get on your own foots again

Wish you best luck with it!

[Key Elements]

I just want to share something here because this topic reminds me of some ppl in my past that I used to hang out with. I thought they were nice and friendly, and I thought they were good friends. But, one day, by mistake, I told them that I was moving to Country B. They called me all kinds of funny names including "Slum Dweller," for a whole month because by mistake, I told them a month early before I moved. I tried to explain that nothing bad was going to happen to me, and I've been there many times before, but they thought that I was only glorifying the place. In the end, I blocked them off of all social media.

The point of why I said this is because, to me, I think that sometimes we get into relationships too quickly without knowing them very well. I'm not just talking about friendships; I'm also talking about intimate relationships. I want to say to just be friends for a while and not rush into a relationship. Don't let the other person pressure you into a relationship. It's worth the wait, for both friendships and intimate relationships. Maybe just be good acquaintances and ask them questions and communicate with them to understand them better. It's better to be single than get into the wrong relationships. Let their true colors show first. Let your true colors show first. Learn to be authentic, and learn to understand them authentically.

[Elisabeth]

@Preety_India What Leo sais is good. You can also try to change the communication style by setting boundaries. If he shames you, you can point it out and insist that you are bothered by this, even if he tries to downplay it all. Be consistent, don't let shaming remarks slide just because you don't want to "ruin" the moment by conflict.

If he's unconscious of what he's doing yet willing to change, he may learn from this. He may also react badly and escalate his violence. Then you know for sure it's time to leave. Of course, leaving right away is alright too, if you're not happy in the relationship overall. 

Edited November 10, 2019 by Elisabeth

[Forestluv]

If you want to invest more of yourself into the relationship, I would clearly communicate that this his behavior is a serious problem for you and the impact it has on you. And it’s not the type of relationship dynamic I want.

I would be open to introspecting my part in the dynamic, yet it would be essential to me that they are willing to introspect, acknowledge their part and be willing to grow. For example they may say “I think you are being over sensitive, yet I can also see how I am being overly critical and I haven’t been doing it to make you feel bad.” Then perhaps they reflect on how their parents were overly critical to them and they developed the habit and want to change it. Or at a deeper level, they may reflect on their own insecurities. I would also look at myself. It’s shared introspection and growth.

However if they got defensive, refused to introspect and put the blame on me . . . that would be a major red flag. That is a character deficiency that is toxic in a relationship. For example, if I got vulnerable and opened up about how this behavior is hurtful to me and they responded like “You are over sensitive. This is your issue. I’m just telling you the truth and if you can’t handle it, too bad. If you hadn’t gained weight, there wouldn’t be a problem.”. . . That’s a form of narcissism, lack of empathy and desire for control that creates toxicity. 
 

And I find it interesting that he wasn’t bothered by your slight weight gain until you told him about it. That is telling to me.