I AM

[John Paul]

Today I took an acid gel tab with no intentions but to contemplate and hopefully specifically find out "who am I? What are these different versions of the true self I hear about? etc". I realized that I'm pure imagination happening nowhere, endless stories and possibilities in all directions/planes, the container or space, masculine and feminine and basically all people and relationships are me. The part of me that "I am" when I'm confused is just a confused "part" of me. Those who are not presently or not fully living as me are just confused. Confusion of being separate or just identifying with the skin and under (not including the imagination in my head) due to fear of harm (naturally) is what causes all suffering. I integrated many of the personalities of the world like being a little girl (I"m a man) and being a woman, being bi-sexual or whatever label, basically a lot of integration of pure femininity. I am this great awareness (masculine) and all this crazy, random, sometimes indescribable shit that happens within the space of awareness (or infinite mind?) (feminine). I am everything.... already this is all slipping away as it does in a way usually with my psychedelic trips and I'm writing this as I can't sleep. I realized that all of history is imaginary and that I'm imagining it now (while at the time or shortly before some crazy edm shit came on my headphones and made me realize I'm aliens, I am future. A lot of this future/past/feminine/masculine stuff was just so cheesy the way I presented it to myself. The whole thing was cheesy. I kept imagining this thin layer of curtain with some big secret behind is and like this playful spirit of "uh-oh! what's behind? what's behind?" Saying like: "Don't you see that it's right now all the time? This isn't some super amazing thing, you've always been infinite" But obviously this insight was coming to me while super high and now the curtain is mostly closed and it doesn't feel quite as simple. I am learning slowly what the work is. The work is not identifying with ANYTHING. Not clinging to ANY ideas of me, mine etc. or what should be. I learned that craving isn't about what is being craved for (or at least not on this trip). Craving is about wanting to move forward (in some "direction") and then after moving where I wanted to "go", realizing that I never moved at all. I realized that sometimes I try to not control myself...like by eliminating addictions or whatever, trying to break bad habits etc. But I realized how tricky I am and by trying to hard to improve I can get caught in a control game. I wrote: Don't TRY to not control yourself (trippy right?); Don't try to control yourself; we are alone; we are complete; Life purpose = simply ask = how can I help? I realized what contemplation really is and how powerful it is or what it really is, it's like a state or that's where it takes you.. I guess it leads to more insights. It's obvious that this is what contemplation is but I truly experienced it. When I was my true self I still wondered what god was so I don't know if I got the god facet down. Anyway.... so much goes on in these trips it's hard to write it all let alone remember (I feel a smidge bad for not putting more effort into remembering/serious note-taking). Also I realized that death is a complete illusion because I am not the body obviously now.

I've been here before. It's scary to me because it's like "Aha!!! I REMEMBER! Here I was looking for something brand new but I REMEMBER who I am." and it's like... how did I get confused AGAIN? I know my life is very disorganized and I need a lot of help strategizing and getting better at studying, integrating, practicing meditation more often or yoga or whatever. But still.....the ultimate truth is the ultimate truth....I don't want to let it slip away.... wait.. slip away? How can I slip away from MYSELF? Yet it seems to slip away with the confusion of the outside world. It's crazy to listen to someone who is me talking as if they are not me, including myself sometimes (especially in the future when those times of more intense confusion will probably arise for me personally again). Please send me loving kindness or healing whenever this is read to all of you skilled magical people reading this.

And to Leo.... I know you aren't a person Leo. I know we are one. But I want to say I love actualized.org I hope that actualized.org can keep others as well as myself on a journey without any ideology/dogma/attachment toward creating a me with less suffering. You are a kind, compassionate, loving man. You are so serious in the videos but when I go to the truth and think about them I laugh out loud! How much more confusing would this path be without you.. you are a SAINTLY man. I love your work, I love you! 

I have a serious problem with my trips that needs addressing. I don't want to write it out now so I will post it tomorrow morning because I want the good stuff in my mind as I lay down to try and sleep.

To all of those reading, BE FREE! Let go of EVERYTHING, nothing can remain!

 

[Leo Gura]

Good work.

That's how tripping is done.

[SoonHei]

@John Paul sweet stuff!

[Rinne]

@John Paul

? Delightful 

[zeroISinfinity]

@John Paul What IS is Perfect is Me/God. 

But I am confused too. I know that "other people" are Me yet they act like how they are not me. Sometimes I scream inside hey, Hey I love you or sometimes I Just laugh. 

[Bodhidharma]

 

4 hours ago, John Paul said:

skilled magical people

 I cracked on this one

 

Sweeeeeeeet dude! Sweet insight.

The whole(not whole, of course) problem with tripping is that is has to be done right! Irresponsible tripping is so elusive.

 

[zeroISinfinity]

Ok this is like ultra deep stuff. OMG ok Will share this "facet" when I get really sure. 

OMG. I am actual God once "me" is gone completelly. It goes deeper and deeper. Holly Fuck. Supreme and All powerful. 

Edited November 8, 2019 by zeroISinfinity

[MAYA EL]

Kid you are deeply manipulated.  You experienced everything that you have heard or read other people say and your imagination took it and made whatever was needed to captivate you. As Manny P hall used to say when people came to him like you are right now he would tell them "ok...You tripped balls so what? You impressed yourself but unless you fundamentally live a better life because of it I would try to forget it happened and move on to something else " . A true alchemist and level headed man. He had the original mentality that experiences will happen every now and then but not to want them to happen or allow a neurosis to come about from it because the mind will manifest what I'd desires. 

[Forestluv]

52 minutes ago, MAYA EL said:

You experienced everything that you have heard or read other people say and your imagination took it and made whatever was needed to captivate you.  

Yes, the OP offered a contextualized experience. Notice how you also offer a contextualized experience. . . 

We can create an infinite number of contextualized experiences: The OP had psychedelic hallucinations and is delusional. . . . The OP had an awakening that only psychedelics can induce. . . The OP had some insights, yet now needs to integrate those insights and get grounded. . . . The OP had some insights, yet those insights don't have any practical value. . . The OP is misinterpreting the insights due to his inexperience with psychedelics. . . The OP has had a spiritual breakthrough that would have taken years of meditation. . . and on an on.

We could spice up our contextualization by adding in "authorities" on the matter. "Martin Ball says the OP's experience is. . . Leo says the OPs experience is. . . Manny P says the OPs experience is. . . Ram Dass says the OPs experience is. . . ". A sprinkle of alchemy adds some lovely flavor. . . 

All experiences are contextualized. You can create all sorts of contextualized experiences. . . Yet an actual "experience" never happened. A creation of a thing called an "experience" is occurring Now. . . 

[zeroISinfinity]

Just drop the mask hahahaha. Yes mask is the Cage. As long you hold mask IT Will play by the the rules of the mask never breaking it. But once you decide to pull it Down.Once you decide to put it down. Holly hahaha. 

Most stuff makes me vomitt but to be God is for outmost strongest. 

[Nahm]

Awesome. Thanks for sharing ??

[MAYA EL]

1 hour ago, Serotoninluv said:

Yes, the OP offered a contextualized experience. Notice how you also offer a contextualized experience. . . 

We can create an infinite number of contextualized experiences: The OP had psychedelic hallucinations and is delusional. . . . The OP had an awakening that only psychedelics can induce. . . The OP had some insights, yet now needs to integrate those insights and get grounded. . . . The OP had some insights, yet those insights don't have any practical value. . . The OP is misinterpreting the insights due to his inexperience with psychedelics. . . The OP has had a spiritual breakthrough that would have taken years of meditation. . . and on an on.

We could spice up our contextualization by adding in "authorities" on the matter. "Martin Ball says the OP's experience is. . . Leo says the OPs experience is. . . Manny P says the OPs experience is. . . Ram Dass says the OPs experience is. . . ". A sprinkle of alchemy adds some lovely flavor. . . 

All experiences are contextualized. You can create all sorts of contextualized experiences. . . Yet an actual "experience" never happened. A creation of a thing called an "experience" is occurring Now. . . 

Your point is?

Edited November 8, 2019 by MAYA EL

[cetus]

8 hours ago, John Paul said:

I've been here before. It's scary to me because it's like "Aha!!! I REMEMBER! Here I was looking for something brand new but I REMEMBER who I am." and it's like... how did I get confused AGAIN?

@John Paul Finding your lost keys has nothing on that.

[Forestluv]

@MAYA EL

Mesmerizing Captivation. 

In the silence, an owl calls!

By grace the trance is broken. 

Home is revealed.

[MAYA EL]

2 hours ago, Serotoninluv said:

@MAYA EL

Mesmerizing Captivation. 

In the silence, an owl calls!

By grace the trance is broken. 

Home is revealed.

Yes I realize you love word salad and some New Age movement Concepts but what was the point to  your reply  to me when is all you did was sort of agree but in a younger sister type of way?

[Forestluv]

15 hours ago, MAYA EL said:

Yes I realize you love word salad and some New Age movement Concepts but what was the point to  your reply  to me when is all you did was sort of agree but in a younger sister type of way?

I tried to explain it in a logical way which didn’t connect. So I tried to explain it in a post-logical way - which also didn’t connect. Sometimes non-sensical pointers can bypass mental barriers and lead to back door realizations. 

We can miss something about the contextualization of experience because if we are subconsciously immersed as the contextualizer of experience. It’s human nature to believe we have experiences and that others have experiences. The breathrough comes when one has the direct realization that their experiences never happened and there are simply constructions appearing Now without an experiencer. Yet this involves a deep level of personal death.

I could speak more, yet you don’t seem open or interested, which is fine. People can be interested in different things and can be on different frequencies. 

[MAYA EL]

8 hours ago, Serotoninluv said:

 

8 hours ago, Serotoninluv said:

 

8 hours ago, Serotoninluv said:

 

12 hours ago, Serotoninluv said:

 

 

Look you replied to me whith what seemed to be a sassy  way of stateing the obvious and then you added in your comment about a type of experience you haven't even had yet however do to all the time you have spent researching it you feel confident in believing its true but regardless of it you have or haven't experienced the fact is that it's not your own concept it's a hive mind concept and one that hopefully you will eventually mature past because it's just one of the many layers to this Onion and few ever peal past it . 

But back to the point 

Then your other reply was dumb and a far cry from any real attempt to convey understanding. 

So the day that you uphold an philosophy of Life / epistemology that's actually yours and you don't do it like a sassy brat is the day I will desire a conversation with you but as of right now it is pointless. 

Edited November 9, 2019 by MAYA EL

[Forestluv]

@MAYA EL We aren’t on the same frequency. That happens sometimes. I wish you good  journeys. ❤️ ? 

[fi1ghtclub]

Man, I deeply resonate with this.

Thanks for writing! <3

[mikelyons]

@MAYA EL <-- It's painfully obvious, when people use terms like "new agey", "word salad", "woo", and other terms learned from subscribing to the SD stage red/blue/orange internet, when people call genuine insights/expressions "dumb", "sassy", "pointless", and when people blatantly project the very devilish thing they are doing, that they are trolls. And it doesn't help to feed ideological trolls! Every conversation with them will be pointless, it doesn't matter who or what or why or when. Engaging with them is how the devil aims to waste your time, effort, Love, and kill, steal, destroy, and spiritually degrade you.

But don't demonize them, they have to go through this stage to learn through the consequences and then grow.
Let it go. Let it slide. (and I should be doing the same ).

On a lighter note ...

@John Paul amazing work, thank you for making an account just to share this experience with us. I have had a near identical experience and just reading this gave me sense-memory of "seeing the ox tail flit around the corner" A sortof synaesthesic, rainbow-sensation of meaninglessness. Chills.
Good on ya m8!