My Life My journey - Book 1

[Annoynymous]

12/07/2019

First thing is yoga, second comes work.

[Annoynymous]

01/02/2020

Well, i have come here to write after a long time. Last time i wrote here was in the last year

I have given ielts exam in these time. My overall score is 7.5 i am more than happy to achieve it. Feeling accomplished. I feel like i have completed 1st phase of my goal toward gaining independence and have finished it quite successfully

The 2nd phase is about to start. I have to get admitted for MBA so i will take preparation in this phase, i am working in my aquaculture project, i hope to start commercially after finishing the research which  i hope to happen in this phase.

I am also trying to join a coaching centre as ielts instructor. It will help me to earn some good money.

So there is a lot on my to do list.

Sometimes i enjoy the process but in other time, i feel quite drained. When i feel down, it feels like i am dragging myself to carry on. So it is also a challenge for me to work on my inner being.

What i intend to focus on for improving my inner health is 1) Meditating Daily 2) watching deep spiritual videos.

So lets hope for the best 

Edited January 2, 2020 by Annoynymous

[Annoynymous]

01/04/2020

It's been a good day in terms of starting my work. One thing i need to mention here otherwise i would feel very guilty. As i am to sit for MBA admission exam, i need to prepare for english writing - which i am doing through participating in this forum. It is a great place for free hand writing which will help me do both- to practice and talk about some of my favourite topics.

Although my work is going well, i find myself worrying in many times. I sometime think about my past failure and how i like them to be something else. I feel i need to move forward not only explicitly but also implicitly. 

Sometime i try to still my mind but other times i discover myself worrying over past stuff. I need to give up that habit in order to succeed.

[Annoynymous]

01/05/2020

Seem to me that i am caught up in a situation where i don't know what is next - i feel quite overwhelmed and demotivated. Today i got to know that the system that i am trying to build up for successful aquaculture is somehow not gonna work. I expected without knowing the facts right and now those facts are showing something else than i desired it to be.

Maybe i need to think for myself again. I have to strategize differently in order to succeed and get what i want out of my life. I want to earn my freedom in order to taste what it looks like. Being in a conservative society with conservative family will not help me. In fact, i think it has become a major roadblock to pursue my desire. The most terrifying thing here is that i feel like a dead fish in the see which is being carrying out by the society and i know it will take me towards the conventional path taken by the people in my society. I don't want that. So becoming independent is absolutely essential to me.

I am gonna try hard no matter what. Giving up is not an option here.    

[Annoynymous]

01/07/2020

For the last couple of days, i have been feeling very down. I am just unable to motivate myself to do the work i needed to to.

One thing can be responsible for it is that i have been sleeping in the day most of the time (like going to bed at 5:00 am and waking up at 2:00 pm). It can be a potential reason behind feeling demotivated lately.

Another reason can be that i am now a days thinking about the past and what made me put in the position that i am in today. My motivation to do pursue a MBA is a fear based one. I wanna avoid going for masters in my current department for some reasons, that is why i am trying to pursue something else which will be equivalent or more than that as achievement. So it is a fear based,  neurotic motivation, that can be the reason why i sometimes feel like i am dragging myself.

Also i catch myself many times worrying about future? Questions like - am i taking the right decision now? Will it take me to the place i desire to be in or  will it just fail to do so? 

I am just taking my day off today. I think i need to recharge myself to be right back again.

[Annoynymous]

01/08/2020

Yes, i have lost many things throughout the last couple of years. It kinda felt like gamble and i lost it all. I was broken, numbed, depressed and anxious like hell but i did not give up and i won't in the future.

This year will be the year of my resurgence. I promise myself that i will become successful with all get involved. I promise myself by saying that - dude, you have suffered a lot, you have been through hell - i get that. But from now on- you will stand on your own two feet and win it all fuckingly. This is your year and i am gonna pour all the world's love in you. Your time has come. Claim it all.

[Annoynymous]

01/09/2020

I have been worrying about things right now. The thing that is keeping me going on worrying is that -

1. I haven't got my results of graduation yet. I need to go to university but that is giving me hard time because i have some shitty memory there and i might bumped into the person i share those memories with which is the last thing i want. I am also tensed about my results. They are stuck. But what if i failed? I haven't attended many classes and i have poor marks in tutorials, so i am worried as shit.

2. In order to avoid doing masters, i need to get into MBA.i feel lazy to study, i haven't been studying for the last couple of days. This is giving me some hard times.

3. What if the fucking MBA programme shuts down because the protest of regular students?  What if it closes down because the govt wants it to? I fucking do not know. It has been an issue in my country that whether our public universities should be allowed to run "commercial" courses aka evening/weekend programmes. I fear that if it shuts down, i might have no choice but to join fucking masters.

Life feels like hell. I just pray that in the end, it's all going to be well. That is all i want. I just want it to work for me.

[Annoynymous]

I do not know where the future path is gonna take me to, but one thing i am certain that no matter what - i am going to be the winner. I will win. I will succeed.

I have the belief that if you persevere and have patience, you will succeed no matter what. That is what defines me. I am going to win it all.

[Annoynymous]

01/10/2020

It's been comparatively a good day. I was less anxious and more focused. I have covered my routine to study mostly, found an amazing app which is helping me to learn vocabulary. Although i think i could do well nevertheless i am happy that at least i started.

Many of my relatives have come to my house today. I don't like them and today i have found myself secretly disliking (or should i say hating?) them. They come to visit once in a while and give me bunch of stupid advice. I fear that in future i might get stuck because this is a common incident in my society like giving advice in free and then create indirect and direct pressure upon the targeted person. I believe a healthy boundary is necessary among relatives which is quite absent in the society i live in. This is disgusting.

I do not want to engage in these negative thoughts. All i want to do is work hard and have success.

Edited January 9, 2020 by Annoynymous

[Annoynymous]

01/13/2020

I have been sick for the last couple of days. I have got  terrible cold, also worried about my hons result as they are yet to be published.

I am also struggling about my routine. It has become very dull and mundane. I don't feel motivated enough to continue that but it is vital for me to keep continue that to achieve my goals. So i will continue that anyways.

 

[Annoynymous]

01/17/2020

My sickness is still continuing. I am spending most of the time in my bed. It's winter season in my country and i wonder why i become so vulnerable physically and mentally during winter seasons. I have noticed that i tend to become depressed in these time. Maybe i don't like the quietness so much. I like the environment when it is loud and alive.

Anyways, i have got a good news about my result that it is stuck because of the teachers are yet to submit 3rd year answer papers in the exam controller office. I had given an improvement test to one of 3rd year courses so that is why my final result is stuck. At last i feel a little bit relieved as i now know the reason.

I have been thinking about another thing lately. I was wondering what would be the best way to approach studies to appear in MBA test. I planned in a certain way but now i am noticing that i like it messy (like studying little bit from here and little bit from there). I think i would go for the method which is comfortable to me the most. Let's hope for the best. 

Edited January 17, 2020 by Annoynymous

[Annoynymous]

01/18/2020

I have been feeling very lonely today. It seems to me like everybody other than me are having fun, being able to do whatever they wanted to do, but i can't. 

My days are becoming mundane and boring. I don't feel like doing anything, just laying down in my bed and watching netflix which isn't exciting anymore. Is this a minor dark night of the soul? I don't know.

I feel like to meet a lot of new people,  have a gf,  make friends etc. I have been feeling lonely for the last couple of years and in these years, i have to cut out a ton of friends and love interest who had hurt me pretty badly. 

I want to break free. I don't wanna feel alone and isolated anymore. I wanna make some new, meaningful connections.

[Annoynymous]

01/20/2020

Well suddenly i think that i have got an insight on how i should go in the way of dealing with the world.

I have got a problem that i always try to see the world from an "idealist" position. This idealism is of my own, it is my own lense of perspective that i think that "should" happen in the world. For this reason, i have been struggling between seeing things for what it is vs what it should be according to me.

So the insight tells me that at first when seeing things, i should try to see what it is then compare with what is should be. Then i can get the deviation or closeness between those to an come to a conclusion.

I think it is an inclusive method which will work. Maybe it will work for my survival objective, but hell, i don't deny that i am surviving and doing many things out of that need. At least i think i should be honest enough to admit right now where i am at.

[Annoynymous]

It's turning out to be a bad day. I am in great pain due to headache and my streak of not doing the study is going on. I am definitely feeling bad mentally and emotionally and i don't know what the problem is.

Maybe this is a call for me to change my lifestyle and habits. But yeah, i am passing through dark times now, i can feel it.

[Annoynymous]

01/21/2020

Today i feel lot better. I have started studying here and there a bit. I want to create a positive momentum to motivate myself into doing the work that is needed to be done on a daily basis. If i do the work daily, i will succeed.

My emotional condition has also improved. Sometimes i can get stuck in my mind and repetitively think negative thoughts that make me insecured and anxious. I need to work on that too. I am currently exploring youtube to find solutions to my problem. So far i have found two channels - one is mindvalley which covers practical self help stuffs and another channel which mainly deals with narcissism and how to deal with it. I subscribed to the latter one as i doubt i was/is under some sort of narcissistic influence in my life. So i want to recognise the pattern of narcissistic behaviour in order to take precaution and identify if there is any person like that currently exist in my life. I believe self education is the best form of education   

[Annoynymous]

02/04/2020

I don't know why i felt very sick this evening. I also didn't feel like studying, so i took the day off. Now, i find myself worried. Presumably, the admission exam is about to take place sometime in April and i haven't got my hons result yet!! What if i don't get my result in time? It will be a disaster, as then i won't be able to get admit, even if i am selected for MBA. 

But hey, there is no point of thinking like that way. I do not have control over getting the result, so i figured out that i will not be worrying about that. I would focus on what i can do instead. Right now, what i can do is just study and hope for the best. That is what i have decided to do.

[Annoynymous]

02/06/2020

I have been engaged in making plans for the future for last 48 hours. So this is how my plans look like -

1. Giving MBA admission exam - by April 2020

2. Giving GRE exam - by 15th of June, 2020

3. Starting 1000 litre aquaculture Tank - from february 20, 2020

4.Starting writing for my blog - July, 2020 to October 2020

5. Setting up a blog and starting it for amazon affiliate program - September 2020

6. Starting 24000 aquaculture tank - August 2020

So i have got a lot on my to do list. In this time period i will work my ass off to start and get these project done. Now lets hope for the best! 

[Annoynymous]

02/08/2020

I have removed GRE from my to do list. Most of the grad schools in Canada do not accept GRE so i see no point of giving effort on that. I would rather save the time for my freelance writing project. 

I have been diving deep into studies for MBA for the last few days. So far things are good but a bit worried about preparation. I can find myself sloppy here and there.

I have recently heard that one of my friends got a job in British American Tobacco Company. I have been feeling a bit anxious since i heard that news. Well i am following my own path of becoming an entrepreneur but seeing my friends getting into jobs make me anxious and revisit my decision. But i know what i have chosen for me is better than getting into a job be just a slave of a company. Entrepreneurship is hard and success does not come overnight. So i guess i have to have the patience and ignore this anxious feeling.   

[Annoynymous]

02/10/2020

Things that i am passionate about :

1. Running a successful business

2. Writing  blog posts

3.Traveling at my own pace

4. Falling in love with a person

5. Having deep amazing sex

6. Reading interesting Books

7. Watching Amazing Tv series

8. Thinking about the Universe and how it works

9. Being in the moment

10. Discovering mind blowing concepts about everything

That's it! <3 <3 <3

[Annoynymous]

few more passions :

11. Going to a western country and settle there.

12. Doing Psychedelic

13. Become a part of a stage green group

14. Doing Charitable work 

 

Edited February 10, 2020 by Annoynymous