My Life My journey - Book 1

[Annoynymous]

Selfishness seems evil when it is seen on others.

When you do "selfish" deeds, it doesn't appear as "selfish".

It is called survival. And survival is not selfish, at least this is the way our ego views it.

So as selfishness is survival, it is viewed as necessary.

So necessity is the mother of all evil.

But what i believe is that, no matter how you view selfishness, it does create suffering.

At this point, a confusion arises in me.

Well i don't see all people who does selfish things are suffering.

Or it can be that a person's suffering is not necessarily being seen outside.

People are also good at putting on a " happy" mask. It also creates confusion.

But again, does karma really work in this way?

The one who is guilty of selfishness, surely suffers?

[Annoynymous]

If you are not gonna pick youself up, you have to lie on the ground for good. Because no one is gonna pick you up for you.

[Annoynymous]

Dreams are keeping me awake <3

[Annoynymous]

14/11/2019

My fish farming work is going on. Things are going well so far.

What i am noticing is that there is too much noise in my mind. I feel irritated and exausted in my mind. Mind is like a chatter box. It is going on and on.

Do not know the reason behind it.

[Annoynymous]

11/15/2019

A bit ago, my father scolded my mom in front of me.

I didn't like the way he treated my mom.

But whatever his intention behind it is right, at least that is how i find it.

My mom's been sick for a long time.

On an average, we had to take her to the hospital once in every three months for the last 1.5 years.

Her problem is that she is not disciplined. And she is quite adamant about it.

She thinks it is not her fault. Being disciplined has nothing to do with her sickness.

She thinks that this all happening because her past bad heath condition. Whenever i or anybody asks her, she goes on to saying how she was  ill, that she had lost her overy in an early age and this and that, and these are the main reasons behind her current sickness, not her "lack of discipline and healthy lifestyle".

But i can see how she is holding an unhealthy belief to excuse herself for not taking proper responsibilities of her problem.

It's a kind of self destructive belief.

Whatever happened few minutes ago has also created a " tension" in me.

I think somehow it triggers me.

However, i can learn from my mom's being stuck at the content level, and how she is self perpetuating a "story".

It's unhealthy.  

Edited November 14, 2019 by Annoynymous

[Annoynymous]

I think i am becoming a "man with motivations".

My entrepreneurial works and my wanting to date is in the opposite direction of one another.

What i am feeling is that i can pursue one at a time.

Anyways, need to explore on this topic more... 

[Annoynymous]

11/16/19

How to study a person?

= If you do want to study a person, you can not rely on one incident that happened witb him/her and then directly jump into the conclusion about them.

Rather than reaching to a quick judgement, you need to study strings of incident that the subject does regularly.

You need to observe for a long time to see the pattern of that fellow's action & behaviour. It will give you some insight about his/her mental condition and personality.

Now look, while i suggest to observe for a long time, i do not mean that it should be for a year. Because if the person is with some sort of mental disorder or unlikable personality test, you can get stuck and emotionally invested which might cause damage to you.

So generally speaking, the time to observe should be 1-2 months, but not more than that.

It is very important to weed out those people from your life who are not compatible with you or damaging.

You must have the ability to know a person for what he/she is rather than how you want them to be.

You should observe like a stoic. 

[Annoynymous]

17/16/2019

Today is kinda off day. "Kinda" because, i have to work here and there also, as i am currently working on multiple projects.

Feeling exhausted. I need to strategize my routine swiftly because i am spending most of the times with work. So, strategy is necessary to gain maximum work time, sanity to achieve maximum positive outcome.  

[Annoynymous]

Not much in the mood for working today...

Anyways... As i am trying to establish my career and i am in early period, so i should just sit tight and work more for the better future.

[Annoynymous]

Today i discovered an insight.

I was thinking about my past romantic involvement... Today was her birthday. I was thinking on what she is doing today and how she had done in the past and so on. 

I was getting irritated so i told myself to stop thinking about her. But the irritation didn't go off instantaneously. I was noticing that.

Suddenly a thing hit in my mind. Like wait a minute, i was not just thinking about her, i was thinking actually about me and how she is still relatable to me!

The fact that she was not with me was troubling me. So at first what appeared as "i am thinking about her" was not right. I was actually thinking about myself like how she treated me, how she was to me and how she isn't with me now etc etc

As long as i hold "mental ties" with her, she will be in my mind, because it is related to my survival, my desire, my need.

What i  have learn is that, almost all the time we think about our survival. But in a twisted way, not in a direct manner. What and who can serve us mostly occupies out mind.

Edited November 17, 2019 by Annoynymous

[Annoynymous]

11/20/2019

Feeling a bit tired. 

I discussed a business deal with a partner (who is the owner of the farm). What he proposed is basically more beneficiary from him than me. It was not something like win-win situation. I was just pissed off.

I guess as we are dependable upon him (because we don't own the farm),  so we have limited voice in this matter. 

So just waiting for our time to come. It's time now just to have patience and do the work to succeed. 

[Annoynymous]

11/21/2019

What i am noticing in myself is that now a days i have been spending a lot of time on thinking rather than doing the work that needs to be done. I have been thinking excessively and worrying too much.

I do not think it is gonna help. Too much thinking actually backfires. I need less but effective thinking but more work.

I see works ahead of me for example: 2 years down the road. I have been planning for a while.

Now i think that i should focus on work more.

[Annoynymous]

11/22/2019

Feeling a bit insecured about my partners in the business.

I feel like they don't have the same motivation or position for the business to be successful as i want it to be.

I guess i have to see that coming. And prepare for the future. Because for me, being financially independent is the most important thing. I want to achieve it. It is absolutely necessary for my growth and to fulfil my survival needs and wants

I will  focus on my personal entrepreneurial works more. 

[Annoynymous]

23/11/2019

A very long, tiring day...

I have worked a lot today. I have brought baby fishes for my business and released them in my tank. Now i am hoping to do the process successfully.

A lot of hope, excitement,  anxiety and fear is going on, but then again, let us hope for the best. Hope i can prevail and fulfil my dream of becoming a successful businessman and escaping wage slavery.

[Annoynymous]

30/11/2019

I have been writing here after a long time. I was busy in past days.

My first attempt to aquaculture has failed (or should i say, nearly failed) nearly two third of the fishes died within 3-4 days. It happened mainly because of sink problem. The fish likes to be in the hole and when it went through the sink it got stuck and most of them died there.

Anyways. I was not really hoping to succeed at my first attempt so i am ok with it. It will try again and again until i see the ray of hope.

I am also facing another problem. I have been struggling with my schedule nowadays. I am being unable to do what i planned to do before to achieve desired outcome.

I am not sure about the solution. I am stressed and a bit anxious about how things are gonna turn out. I guess i need to stop and self reflect for a while about what to do next.

I feel restless too. Sometimes you can get lost into chasing success while forgetting to enjoy life.

Lets see what can be done.  

[Annoynymous]

12/02/2019

I am gonna go to campus tomorrow after 4 months. It will be a different experienced.

Did i miss it? - yeah

Was i fearful about it? - hell yeah!

But that's life. Some ups and downs. Some good memories. Some bad memories. But this is how it is.

You just have to deal with it and then, move on!

[Existence]

On 11/14/2019 at 2:24 AM, Annoynymous said:

 

Well i don't see all people who does selfish things are suffering.

Or it can be that a person's suffering is not necessarily being seen outside.

People are also good at putting on a " happy" mask. It also creates confusion.

But again, does karma really work in this way?

The one who is guilty of selfishness, surely suffers?

Selfishness needs a SELF or ego in the first place to be selfish about.

When you are completly selfless, even you are suffering that time, you don't care and need to survive. "Suffering/Not suffering " doesn't matter any more.

Because suffering is precisely- "trying to survive the ego and not being able to"

[Existence]

On 11/13/2019 at 11:51 PM, Annoynymous said:

Are "good things" "for me" really "good things" for "everyone"?

I think not.

" Good makes sense only when you have some kinds of ego that you have to do good to.

No ego= no good/bad= every thing is Good with capital G

[Annoynymous]

@Existence thnx for you analogies

[Annoynymous]

12/03/12

A lesson's been in my mind for few days. That is - more work, less efficiency.

I think i need to plan efficiently with leaving some time for just to rest. I have several plans in my mind and i have started working on them. The problem is that i am doing everything here and their while remaining unsatisfied.

There can be several reasons behind that. Such as:

1. When you focus on doing three or four different types of work in a day, nothing is really accomplished. You feel torn apart.

2. I think i am being negatively motivated. I am thinking like, "what will happen if i can not achieve this and that?". Well it is still a motivation but not a healthy one. It can harm oneself in the long run.

3. By doing so many things, i become so engaged and busy that sometimes i unconsciously and deliberately ignore taking enough rest or a day off. As a result, sometimes i feel like i am burned out.

4. Too much anxiety and fear can go on while doing so much within so little time.

  These are the reasons i can point out this moment. I think i need to come up with some solutions to pursue my goal and at the same time, not get burned out.