Need for validation leading to intense loss of hope and suicidal thoughts

[beatlemantis]

I got out of a two-year long, toxic relationship nearly a month ago. I was systematically manipulated, and taken of my innocence and worth. After my breakup, however, I felt confident, assured in myself and path, and excited for the future. 

For the past week or so, however, I've been dreading nighttime. When my family goes to sleep, I feel like I'm wandering around a hopeless, empty space. My blood heats when I feel I'm being a bore or not as well-liked as I used to be, my very soul is torn to shreds when I don't get responses from friends. My usual paths for validation (my toxic ex) are not available, and I feel a visceral pain knowing so. 

I acknowledge that the only validation I need receive is of my own, that it is the only way I can become self-sufficient and fulfilled. However, lately, I've felt so much loss in hope. My body constantly feels as if its being emotionally rejected or told it is unloved. 

I'm currently pacing around my house, my heart is on fire with dread and shame, and I cannot sleep because of my fear for being alone with myself. These intense, ritual emotions have lead me to consider suicide. I fear with my lack of approval, I have no inherent value. I fear I've made far too many mistakes because of my relationship (lying to my family, flunking out of college, selling my body for money) to deserve self-validation. 

 

To paint more of a picture on how intense these emotions are: My body feels immediate release when I think about talking to my ex. Even though I consciously know he is toxic, his validation that I've been hooked on for 2 years would give me instant relief.

Every time I walk away from something that's distracting me, I fall into a deep depression. I immediately fall to intense tears, to which I'm terrified to face due to my scary thoughts (I'm also scared they'll reveal he treated me a certain way for a reason, that I have no value, etc.)

Please let me know any thoughts about this situation you may have. I know this behavior is neurotic, I'm not looking for a quick fix, I'm seeking answers on how to face my fear of self-validation and loneliness, when I feel as if I have no intrinsic value or hope of being my actualized self.

All is appreciated more than you may know, thank you so much.

Edited November 7, 2019 by beatlemantis
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[Nickyy]

@beatlemantis If you like to have a discussion about this you are welcome to message me. The need for validation is ultimately not real, and you will see this for yourself, and you will become free of it. But first you have to see, and to see you have to know a little bit about how the mind works and this information will set the wheels in motion to become free of the need for validation.

You don't need therapies or counsellors or anything to overcome your need for validation. You don't have to delve into your past and you don't need any time to rid yourself of your needs for validation. 

I'm not promising you anything, but if you are able to understand a few key concepts then I don't see any reason why it wouldn't work for you

[Skanzi]

There is nothing you can do, really. Anything you try to do will simply be an escape and will reassert it to yourself that there is something to be afraid of.

No, there's nothing that can be done. But even though nothing can be done, there is something that can be allowed.

The only way to get out of hell is to go through hell. That's the only way. All attempts to turn back or escape will not provide you with any lasting solutions, and will make things only worse in the end.

Face your fears. Face your thoughts. I'd suggest to either sit or lay down, and just to let it all go through you. Let the dreadful feelings come through you. Observe the anxious thoughts that are running through your head. There's is nothing that needs to be done: just allow it. Take nothing personal; Just see it and feel it, and make nothing out of it.

When you truly allow yourself to completely surrender to all these sensations, you will notice that —even though the feelings may not instantly leave you— that a space will arise within you where you are able to carry your experience without reacting or identifying with it. You see the wave, you feel the wave, but still you will find that somehow you aren't it. That is the only true freedom you can come to encounter.

Edited November 7, 2019 by Skanzi

[oMarcos]

"My body feels immediate release when I think about talking to my ex." I am feeling this. Even though we are ok but not the same. I just want to talk with her. And this is common for everyone in this situation, it is normal.

 

Cognitive Dissonance hits strong, it seems that things can turn on better if we just try to fix something. But this is all playing around with our own thoughts. I don't know your situation, but it seems that you need that feedback from someone, that confort of "someone's outhere looking out for me, someone needs my attention", when we don't have that we lose our sense of community and self worth. We human creatures enjoy to be reached by someone. And it was 2 Years, it was a long time, ego backlash it's inevitable. Also pay attention that he might holded your back in some ways just because of your fractured mental state, so he was a distraction or relief from your real problems. 

 

It's kinda like a drug, it was such a long time, and you don't know how to replace that, it seems that nothing can't replace it. And it really can't, a written page has the specific words that can't be changed, it was meant to be like that. So, do we replace a drug with another drug? Or do we stop chasing the old drug and find a new one? You see, it seems that everything we do is chasing the same last thing we did, in a loop. Take this chance to invest in a brand new thing in your life, write down 10 things you would like to try and invest your time on it. (eg. buying pincels and paint a empty board (even if you have 0 talent, art  and SELF EXPRESSION can be very therapeutic to increase self worth), also try to create a meditation habit, start with a daily-routine of 10 minutes and follow the advice that was given to you before.

 

And also, notice that it can be very hard to find someone that will make you feel that relief you need, even though you might find a new person, you need to understand that will take time to build another relationship like you did before, it takes time. We revolve around instant gratification, and that relationship toke so much time to build up, that we feel hopeless to make something like that happen again. But it can happen again, takes time, hope, and preserverance. 

if you wanna talk feel free to pm me, I'm kinda on the same spot as you

 

ps: writting all of this made me feel much better, it's ok to be noticed and reach out for someone, hiding in a cave and meditate won't solve all our problems. Reach out, I'm sure it's not to late for you

Edited November 8, 2019 by oMarcos

[Nahm]

 

The sensation of the universe is love. One infinite love, conscious, aware. 

Because infinite is infinite, infinite must forget ‘who’ it is, so there can be experience, or, finite. 

To “sin” is to speak against one’s self. 

“Original sin”, is the infinite must forget itself, to create the experience of being born. 

We are born against ourself. Because we veiled our self, so that we could be born.

We weave an identity out of our experiences growing up. 

We believe we are that identity. 

We believe we are the body. 

We believe we are the past. 

We believe we are defined by our experiences. 

So our thoughts & perspectives orientate towards defending & protecting the identity. 

We do things that are hurtful to others, and to our own bodies & minds. 

We do these things in pure innocence. 

That’s tiring. Suffering. We begin to resent ourselves, and God. Misery, hell. 

We don’t want dualities, we want heaven. We become angry, furious, and begin to demand the heaven we so deeply yet elusively know to be our divine nature. It becomes unbearable.  

Anger becomes hate, and hate can go on for a long time, if we deny our true self.

But eventually, one way or another, even if it’s old and dying, one does indeed let go. 

I sometimes imagine a person in such a predicament, upon passing away, asking God “Why?! Why with this infinite love, this eternal divine bliss - why did you put me through all that suffering, that anger, the hate, the evil?? Why!?” 

But then, there is no one to ask. And there is no question. No anger. No hurt. No pain. No hate, no evil. Just the love. The love we are. The sensation, the ‘having feeling’, the ‘aliveness’ - was the infinite love and guidance all along. It’s crystal clear. One can forgot who one is now & then, but one can not actually not be who one really is. 

“The Cosmic Joke”

What we feared all along, was love. It was just our self. 

If we’d just let go of the past, forgive ourselves readily, love ourselves readily. 

 

@beatlemantis ♥️??

[Forestluv]

@beatlemantis I’ve been in a similar situation. Things that helped me. . . .First, get space and distance from the toxic ex. No contact period. Time itself creates space and distance. Any contact resets the clock. Also, don’t revisit her photos or her social media. Those images stir up memories, emotions, attachments etc. Cut all that shit off. If memories of those “good times” arise, get clear on the toxicity and turn away. There will be plenty of opportunity in the future to reminisce about the 10% of your time together that was healthy and magical, yet not now, The ex is like gravity and we are trying to break free of that gravitational force. When her force was overwhelming, I would write about it in a journal to get it out. I talked with a friend occasionally, yet I didn’t want to burden her, so I mostly wrote about it. Over time, I needed to write less and less. My writings started off in despair, then regrets, then resentments. Then as I started to become free, I started to learn a lot about myself and dynamics in relationships.

The flip side is to start taking care of yourself, loving yourself and becoming friends with yourself. I know it’s not easy, yet start moving in that direction. One thing that helped me was an at home solo retreat. I started doing yoga everyday. I did some fun reading each day. I got some plants. I made myself healthy dinners. Some nights I lit candles and put on soft music while I ate. I made fires in my fireplace and would stare at the beauty of fires. I learned how to do self message. I took bubble baths. In the depths of the darkness, I didn’t think it was was impossible - until it happened:  I fell in love with myself. And you can too. Start asking how you can be kind to yourself and become friends with yourself ♥️ 

[Buba]

If it was not your ex boyfriend, it would be something else. You better delve into it with psychoanalytic. 

[LeoX8]

@beatlemantis I can relate to this. it's like a shadow that will not leave you, and just when you forget it for a little time, BOOM! and it ccomes back. I've been in Personal development for almost a year now and these feelings still come back once in a while. Yesterday i decided to face them: "im not smart enough", "im too lazy", "i continue to get influenced by people judgments", and so on. I tried to really feel the pain, to experience fully those emotions. at first it was like shit, but i continued. I starded crying, it was painful, but i continued, to the point where i said to myself :"I fell all these things, I've done such and such in the past and i can't change that fact. But i dont want that these feelings influence me anymore. I accept that i dont feel enough, i accept what I've done, and i decide to let go of all of that"

This was the turning point, I still feel some of the negative emotions but i dont feel bad about them , and I consider this a huge win.

I hope that you really try something similar for yourself and that this has helped you in some ways.