So, I have a new boyfriend and..

[Aquarius]

On 11/7/2019 at 11:45 PM, modmyth said:

This would drive me insane.

On a serious note; he sounds like a more physical type of person that expresses itself in a socially extroverted, questionable kind of way. Other than possibly encouraging him to work through emotional issues(?), he sounds like he would benefit from a practice that is both highly physical and highly disciplined, like a full-contact martial art (e.g. Brazilian Jujitsu).

I think some guys just have this need to express their energy in a very physical way, moreso than other guys. I don't think it's healthy for them not to; they would have to get a personality lobotomy.

Random: you might surprised how often sensitivity and aggression + physicality come in the same package. Social conditioning for men, and such.

So is it a good thing? Or no? 

Yup jujitzu... i actually wanna do that. 

And what do you mean sensitivity and physical aggression come together? Interesting... I talked to @Elysian and he was worried that he would beat me up but honestly he doesn't seem the type to hurt women..  He promised to protect me from others.

And yeah saying I love you I love you I love you every day kinda annoys me too..

 

21 hours ago, Lento said:

@modmyth Okay, thank you for the answer. Would you say that most women are like that or is it only you? And how would you classify/view the personality of a woman who demands/desires that and a man who says it like that? What would likely be the cause, in your opinion? Thank you whether you answer this bunch of questions or not. And finally, I hope that thanking you twice in one post doesn't count as a bad thing ?

Thanks!

Nono, I don't like it either.. it's annoying... Once a week would be enough... or when I say something nice to him.  

@Shin Dude, Shin... I don't even like him. And I dumped him cause he hit a man unconscious.... ugh.

I said I wanted to find friends to drink with in my town and he asked me out.

I am not like him. I am very developed and mature myself on daily basis. I have a psychotherapist I work with. She recommended Joe Dispenza book to me.. nice.  

I am not needy at all, and very detached, doing my own thing.... HE IS!!!  

I verbally fought with him on the phone about the ugly scandals and his drinking problem.

He doesn't even contact me anymore...  THANK YOU JESUS!!!.  

[Aquarius]

20 hours ago, modmyth said:

Ask awayyyyyyyy!

Hm. I think it's not uncommon (but may not exactly be super common as well?), but I think I probably manifest it to an more extreme degree where I actively dislike it/ find it pretty irritating.

This trait might be considered a more classically masculine personality characteristic in a woman, tbh. I have been told before that my lack of clinginess in this way and in a sexual way made the person I was with feel like the woman in the relationship (or like a bitch, to be more literal). It's not my intention/ goal. At this point, I have felt the need to reassure, there's nothing wrong with having feelings and being sentimental, you know, I'm just not feeling it right now...

Somehow I doubt that's a normal dynamic for my gender. 

 

I'm the same way.  

11 hours ago, Lento said:

@modmyth Much appreciated.

I actually was expecting the answer to come in terms of narcissism, dominance, and empathy more than feminine vs. masculine. I was thinking it can be related to childhood trauma or something. What do you think?

I think it's related to being ignored by people or having a low self esteem.. inferiority complex. Which also becomes a superiority complex. Two sides of a coin.

5 hours ago, ajasatya said:

@Shin Back from the dead. Good insights!

yeah.. we all missed @Shin 

[Preety_India]

Looks like a very dependent guy to me but not dependable, only dependent. 

 

[Arcangelo]

On 11/6/2019 at 10:52 PM, Aquarius said:

He will, from now on, take care of my sexual, emotional, love, food, shelter, job and safety needs.

Bad, idea.

 

[Aquarius]

On 11/10/2019 at 3:22 AM, Preety_India said:

Looks like a very dependent guy to me but not dependable, only dependent. 

 

Correct...

 

On 11/10/2019 at 3:58 AM, modmyth said:

Honestly, it just depends on your taste. My taste is all over the place. Some girls complain about guys who are very physical by nature.... well, just pick someone less physical/ aggressive in nature then...

Using that energy in an inappropriate/ unintelligent/ unconscious way is a separate issue.

Right. Thanks.  

 

On 11/10/2019 at 2:13 PM, Arcangelo said:

Bad, idea.

 

Yup, I just realised.

[Preety_India]

1 minute ago, Aquarius said:

Correct...

 

Right. Thanks.  

 

Yup, I just realised.

Hope you are doing fine. I went through a similar experience recently where I overdosed on sleeping pills. It wasn't the right thing to do but I was overwhelmed by my relationship troubles. After having broken up I feel much better. 

Recovery takes a lot of time, self love, distraction and inner grit. 

Best wishes. 

[Aquarius]

On 11/8/2019 at 1:13 AM, Average Investor said:

I think it would be worthwhile to watch leos red flag video and think about him without your attachment. The scandals and fighting and lack of relationships to me poke out as a big red flag. But I have not meet this person. Maybe he is excellent I would not know just reading some text. But really try to think of it subjectively. I wish that I had screened a lot better before my last relationships and it makes it very easy for me to weed out bad partners fast now. 

And whatever happens with it I wish you happiness. 

Thanks. Yeah, I realised he is not my type. So many things I didn't like about him...

I heard him talk on the phone once... he really does have an alcohol abuse and aggression problem.

I used to get angry at Leo saying someone with a mental illness is a red flag, but now I finally got it...

And I beat my own mental illness myself.

 

On 11/8/2019 at 1:18 AM, Serotoninluv said:

Regarding the things you don't like. . . people's conditioned traits tend to re-appear in patterns. It just takes a lot for people to change. For example, if someone has had a drinking problem it's more likely or not to continue to be a problem - even if they try to hide it in the beginning.  Or if a person has a history of high conflict in relationships, that is more likely than not to continue. People can change, yet it takes a lot and someone needs to want to change. I've been in many relationships in which I hoped and encouraged the person to get into personal development and spirituality and they never did - their heart just wasn't into it and I couldn't make them do it. . . Yet that might not be a big deal if the negatives aren't that big, the person supports your PD/spirituality and you have common interests. I've dated gals not into PD, yet they were totally cool with me doing it and we had so much in common - watching movies, traveling, cooking dinner together, going to concerts etc. . . Yet eventually we would hit a road block. After 6 months or so, that stuff would fizzle out and we weren't growing together as a couple since she had no interest in personal growth. 

His statement "" you seem like a person whom I will be going forward together" can be grounded and mature. I think it's a good thing when the other person is honest and indicates that they value relationship progress. . . Buuut. . . saying "I love you" and talking about a life together and having kids together this early in a relationship sounds very immature to me. It sounds like he may be able to express his emotions, which can be a positive - yet he also sounds ungrounded and immature.

Not speaking the same language well would be a concern for me because it creates so many complications. If I really liked someone, I would be willing to put in the extra patience and effort tho. Or if we were into learning languages, it would be a cool thing. For example, I am at an intermediate level of Spanish and I would love to date a native latina that doesn't speak much English. I would learn Spanish so much faster and be part of that culture.

The talking loudly wouldn't be my biggest concern. If we got along well, it something we could work to improve. For example, I had a bad habit of interrupting an ex-gf while she was talking. I wasn't doing it to be rude or disrespectful. I would get excited in the conversation and just blurt out ideas. She told me how bothersome this was to her and I made an effort to improve. Over time I improved, yet she would bring it up once or twice a week for a while. 

If it were me, I may go into "dating mode" and explore. Yet I would establish strong personal boundaries to take care of myself. 

Thanks! In the end we broke up cause he wanted to travel to different city and I refused. I found it best to depart from him because I wanted him to continue his destiny.

Yes, he is extremely immature. Definitely has a drinking and fighting problem.

For example his mother went missing for a few hours, and I told him she is fine. But him? He kept saying he will beat up his neighbours to tell him where she is and that kinda stuff. Sounds very bad..

The English part was for this forum. I hoped to introduce him to PD. Buuuut we both speak the same language.  

Doesn't matter anymore. And yeah, I have a date somewhen this week. Life is great.

On 11/8/2019 at 1:53 AM, Annoynymous said:

@Aquarius Girl you need a lot of experience to grow up.

What'd I do lmao.

On 11/8/2019 at 5:43 AM, LordFall said:

What you write screams of red flags. I cosign @Average Investor's recommendation with the Leo video and try to look at it from a neutral perspective. I would look into his stories to confirm them. I might very well be wrong but he does seem to have low self-esteem as well as a victim complex. Those traits tend to turn abusive in the long run, beware. 

Thank you. I don't even contact him anymore. He started to get emotionally abusive one day. Glad I am mature enough to ignore him.

On 11/8/2019 at 6:54 AM, Lento said:

It seems like you're so in love with him, it's apparent in how you are exaggerating some little positive things about him and undermining the negative ones. I would be very careful making any serious decisions prematurely. Whatever you think right now, it's your heart, not your mind, and for proper judgement the heart alone isn't enough, you need your mind as well.

I don't even like him lmao. I just tend to see the good in everybody.

On 11/8/2019 at 10:40 AM, egoeimai said:

@Aquarius hello Aquarius ♒ 

I'm a sagittarius ♐ how ya doing??

Haha

I liked that you are opening up so much and talked about a lot of things openly. Would you like to message me anytime? 

For the sake of your post, I do feel low vibes and red flags everywhere. ?

Aww okay. Well maybe. :'( 

Glad to meet a Sagittarius! You guys are so interesting! 

On 11/8/2019 at 0:53 PM, Lubomir said:

@Aquarius I also see a lot of red flags. 

I would say that you're not really conscious about this whole thing.

For me it seems like he have really low self-confidenc.

 

How long do you know each other?

When you're talking about moving to a different city, golden rings, kids.... for me these things may come after half of the year and even then it shouldnt be taken so serious...

But that's just me

I don't honestly get that guy, I think he exaggerated with all those things. He kept talking about children children chldren... ughhh I hate kids mostly. I mean, not other people's children, but I wouldn't want them around...... 

Umm idk 1 week? Idk, he just asked me out! I dont like to friendzone...

[Aquarius]

On 11/8/2019 at 1:08 PM, ajasatya said:

LOL.

Really hard advice: keep working on your emotional authonomy. Make sure both of you are working towards being stronger everyday. Building a family, whether or not there are children involved, takes a lot of maturity and grip. In other words, beware so that you guys don't use each other as crutches for too long.

B-but but... I dooooon't... he does .. :'( 

I am as detached as possible.

I mean I was, while it lasted,..

On 11/8/2019 at 1:37 PM, Eph75 said:

@Aquarius A lot of red flags there IMO. Sounds like he's a lot of talk but few good qualities to follow up.

Drinking issues is a red flag for sure.

Having "enemies" is a huge red flag. Online, you get enemies-haters but in real life if you are as good a guy as he seems to have managed to make you believe? Big, red, waving ... flag.

It don't really sound much like a coincidence that he befriended you on Facebook either, turning out to live on the same street, sounds like a digital stalker  

Or.. ignore flags, he might be the best guy in the world. Do what feels right, live with the consequences.

A better thing to do might be asking yourself what it is with this guy that you want, trying to look past all the flattery and conforming to your needs. That stuff will more than likely dissipate as time goes by. You might find yourself with just the worse qualities left.

Is there a need with you that you want him to fulfill? Making you look past/be blind to the red flags. 

I don't really want a relationship right now, since I want to develop myself more, both physically and spiritually.

He simply asked me out and I said yes.

And no, he is not a stalker.. we just happened to have mutual friends. Many people add me like that. I add people like that, too!

My town is very small soo...

On 11/8/2019 at 5:09 PM, Hello from Russia said:

I'm not trying to be offensive here, just giving my perspective after I read it. 
Right now I am under impression that all that stuff you wrote went from your vagina, not from your heart or mind, especially the part about children. I'd wear off of stimulation a little bit and think about it more sober and authentically. Not saying this guy is not right for you, though. Maybe yes, maybe no, up to you and your authentic bodymind to decide 

Ummmm what. Sorry but I don't want children, he kept forcing that idea. I this you misread something.  

I broke up with him yay.  

On 11/8/2019 at 5:56 PM, Emerald said:

The vibe I get is that he's has some narcissistic and self-aggrandizing tendencies, and is maybe using you as a person to bring into his narcissism to support it. Basically, he's looking for a co-dependent to control and boss around. And now he's saying nice things like "You're a blessing" and that kind of thing, but soon it may turn into disparaging thoughts and trying to change/control you. So, don't take his openness or niceties as a sign that he is good for you. Often times, manipulators will share of themselves openly just to engender a sense of trust in their victims to get them hooked. 

 

You're right... he started to show his true colour soon. And I never really got the idea of getting children... like from the first date he kept saying that. Good thing he is not part of my life anymore. He adored to victimize himself.

On 11/8/2019 at 8:22 PM, flume said:

Not trying to offend you but a lot of what you’re writing here is reminding me of my younger self. 

Let’s see if this rings a bell: You’re often with guys that are somewhat depressed and have pretty low self esteem. They’re unusual, outcasts with some kind of unique world view which you find really interesting. They’re often a lot older than you (10+ years), you get in ‘too deep too quickly’, you open up all the way because you trust people a lot which got you in somewhat dangerous situations in the past but it was never too bad. You keep seeing the good sides of people even when they straight up use you for sex or something else. You like strong, big, melancholy guys that have a protector feel, a safe sanctuary a big, chaotic world. You think there’s something extremely special about you two and that no one sees the world the way you two do.

I bet you love helping people, don’t u? You see where they’re ‘stuck’ in life and you wanna help them out. Cause even though those guys are a lot older than you, you secretly think you have a lot more life experience and you know just well what the other person would need. You see what the ‘next step’ is gonna be for them. You can’t wait to ‘get to work’ and introduce all kinds of concepts to them that would be good for them. You low key hope they’ll end up saying something like ‘Oh, if only I listened to you earlier’.

You feel needed and it feels good, no?

Well, you’re actually making those guys dependent on you while you think you’re helping them. You force them into their position. So you’re not really helping them to grow because if they would overcome all of these ‘problems’ eventually, you’ll dump them and get someone else because they don’t need you anymore.

How would you feel being with a guy that is fine self esteem wise? That has his life more or less together? Can you handle not being needed? 

You just have a lot more growing to do. You’re ready for love when you don’t have a list of bullet points that need fixing about the other person. And when you can stand the thought that another person doesn’t really need you.

As long as you don’t make this part conscious, you’ll keep attracting those weird kinds of guys.

This doesn't resonate with me honestly. 

I usually get the guys that ask me out. I rarely get some good guy. If I do, they dump me because' wow you're too uneducated and unexperienced yadda yadda"

I would never dump a guy that loved me, unless he was toxic.

Only had like 3-4 relationships till now.

I like normal guys, people who are similar to me.

I don't like being needed, I am a very detached person.

INFP_A personality automatically likes helping and making people happy, but not just boyfriends.

I can't help that low self-esteem guys like me, high self-esteem guys say im retarded lmao.

[Aquarius]

On 11/8/2019 at 8:53 PM, Key Elements said:

Are you sure about these? If a baby is born, you know that it's a 24/7 job, right? If no one wants to help out, then are you ready to become a housewife?

No way lmao, I told him no.

On 11/8/2019 at 9:47 PM, modmyth said:

Definitely a bad thing... I don't have short term amnesia.

I'm not a person who needs to hear it very much TBH. I can feel it in the intention, in someone's way of just being with me (quality of presence), the way they look at me, and the way they do things for me (the time and attention put into actions). Show rather than say, etc.

I can understand the need to hear it though; but constantly? That I don't relate to.

Gurl, sameeeeee!

On 11/8/2019 at 10:44 PM, Shin said:

 

I will be very blunt, but that needs to be said somehow (I don't hate you ).

 

There is too many redflags.
Maybe you need the suffering to get it, but this won't work, you're both needy and undeveloped psychologically.

This will end in a unhealthy relationship, with psychological and/or physical violence on the mid/long term if you decide to stay together, because of the neediness and attachment.

If you don't want to waste your time, dump him and focus only on yourself for quite some time.
Read about female/male psychology from legit source (like David Deida for example), do lots of inner work to one way or another get the root of the neediness and attachment, which is translated by you accepting to enter any kind of relationships with lesser men.

Sometimes you need to back off and focus just on you, especially when it comes to relationships.
There is things you need to solve before being able to handle a healthy relationship, and until that is done, there won't be a healthy person that will be interested in you, or if it does, this person will leaves you when he will understand you're not developed enough anyway.

Also, you don't change someone, they do or they don't.
This guy sounds like a huge and dense ego, and has a LOT of work to do, possibly for life to even get some sense of peace one day.
If you stay with him, you'll limit yourself greatly for years or maybe decades until the relationship is over.

But again, maybe you need the pain and suffering to become conscious of this like I did, but this doesn't have to be this way though.

 

Read again those points, and if you still can't see how it already is doomed, then you definitely need to learn more about healthy relationships and healthy understanding of the opposite sex:
 

 

Thanks Shin, love ya. :* I really needed to hear this.

[Preety_India]

58 minutes ago, Aquarius said:

B-but but... I dooooon't... he does .. :'( 

I am as detached as possible.

I mean I was, while it lasted,..

I don't really want a relationship right now, since I want to develop myself more, both physically and spiritually.He

That's awesome. 

Best wishes and please take care of yourself. You deserve all the happiness. 

[Average Investor]

@Aquarius I am happy for you. It is really hard to see clearly when someone is abusive. It isn't always the easiest thing to break it off from them either. You will be much more prepared boyfriend though. 

[Aquarius]

On 11/19/2019 at 9:15 PM, modmyth said:

Seriously, in those words?

Not really, but they have that behavior, like ... I talked to his friend once and when I didn't understand something, I politely said "pardon me?".. and he was like ohhhh my god... haha no way this girl is........ damn

Because many people are Red and when they talk to a yellow/green person they feel weird about the whole calm and collected behavior and good manners.

And many times I was told to wear more make up, grow long hair...

And generally people make me feel retarded, I always was considered the most stupid in school. Even though no one knew me... it's just people liked to pick on me..

Edited December 7, 2019 by Aquarius

[Aquarius]

On 11/19/2019 at 11:30 PM, Average Investor said:

@Aquarius I am happy for you. It is really hard to see clearly when someone is abusive. It isn't always the easiest thing to break it off from them either. You will be much more prepared boyfriend though. 

Yes.. I don't have a problem breaking off from them... for me, I am not attached at all.. it's just, they keep coming around.

He actually contacted me again and we started going out and stuff, but he keeps telling me, actually, yelling at me how I think he has no problems on his shoulders and how I keep asking him what';s the matter when it's so obvious he is in such a great trouble.. and when I ask him, like yeah, what's the matter though?? he said, better to keep quiet than stir the waters. And I was like wtff, he is hiding shady things from me??

And I noticed that he always tells me stuff about himself, but he is clearly "coloring" it into something nicer, I feel like he is lying and justifying a lot on his inadequate behavior, relying on victim mentality to feel better about himself..