So, I have a new boyfriend and..

[Aquarius]

A guy added me on Facebook. I didn't know who he was but I added him back. He wrote to me and we started knowing each other. I viewed him as a friend. Not as a best friend... but an averagely decent friend. A friend friend. Friend. 

Anyway he told me he is from my town. I was like, mmm.. sound cool?? Opportunity to grow new friendships?? 

Next day I told him to go together to drink a tea or coffee or anything. He came outside.. we basically live ON THE SAME EFFIN STREET LMAOOOOO!  He paid for two soda drinks (what a gentleman  wooo!, and we went walking a bit.. he told me he never goes outside. Later on I found out it's because of scandals he has with people who are jealous of him.. physical fights and all... I mean he seems SD Orange and maybe has a bit of green because the empathy and heart of gold he has.. And most people where I live are SD Red or SD Blue. Many are going SD Orange.

He used to own a popular bank. A bank that didn't work and they closed cause they had problems and all. The idea is, he is a business man. Sad that his business failed. But he said he is good in this. Just saying to you guys get an idea who he is...

Where he worked till now, he was the best worker.. helped everybody there become the best. Got many jealous enemies that fought him. He had a hard life. Cried on the phone to me. I listened to him and comforted him.

He said I am a blessing. He says "I love you" every 5 minutes. He's 27 years old but only had one girl friend. He seems to have pretty high self esteem. He says he has haters and enemies because he is too good for them. Which is a nice mentality to have... but I feel he is still secretly affected by people's behavior, else he wouldn't have cried.. I think a guy's ability to cry in front of his girlfriend is a good sign he has a soul.

Many people told him he is absolutely ugly. I think he is OK looking. About 6.5 / 10, except I don't use that dumb rating system (nor the alpha/beta btw) when I am in real life, just on forums like this. He doesn't seem beta at all! He could fight everyone, and sometimes does so. Anyway, I care about intellect and character when I look for a guy, not necessarily looks. Just saying the rating to help you guys form an idea about his looks.. My first bf was 7.5/10, second 8/10, third 9/10 (third lasted 1 week... he said he is too good and intelligent for me *eyeroll*). 

 

There is a thing about me. I am, as my username suggests.. an Aquarius. A strong one. I am the embodiment of the archetype. I seek intellectual debates. To be challenged on the intellectual level...

The guy is a Libra, so we fit well! He also reads astrology, DAILY!!! ^^ wtf not even I do that and I'm an astrologer, kinda..

I think he doesn't stimulate me intellectually as he should... he has bad grammar when he writes. Or maybe just lazy grammar. I know he can do better....

Some things I like about him...

• He is very agreeable in the relationship.. I noticed that when I said he would look good with a tiny beard, he said that he will grow it out. The way I want him to grow it!  
• Very emotional, cries easily, has all kinds of emotional theories about life
• Loves to read his horoscope in the morning
• Little sexual experience is an advantage for me. Can't really kiss and is kinda unexperienced, since only had 1 gf... but this only makes him more emotional and agreeable, to care more about me and appreciate me more... since he had so little experience. So...
• Fulfills all my safety and love needs. Promises to protect me from everyone that would ever fight me or threaten me or make fun of him. Promised to find me a job and we will move to one of the biggest and richest cities in the country... I will have the opportunity of a good job because he is appreciated there, he used to work there.
• Loves me more than anyone did till now.
• Always gives me gifts. I was gone for a week in a different town before these guys kicked me out... I am back to small town, until next week when we move to even bigger town than the other I lived in! We will lived there definitely together as a happy couple.. Anyway, when I came home he awaited me with a chocolate. And soon I will get a silver ring as a symbol of our relationship, almost like a marriage without the religious and church stuff. He just lost it somewhere in the house was very nervous about it but I was like woooow don't be, I mean the whole intention even made me feel good.  And he promised a white gold ring when we move in the big city. When he ordered online, he ordered to that city, so it's a surprise.  wow..
• He will, from now on, take care of my sexual, emotional, love, food, shelter, job and safety needs. Others I depends on myself (actualization and esteem).
• He doesn't have many friends. He is introverted, like me..
• He loves children and animals and is very good with them, just like me.

So in these things, he is perfect and rare.

 

Some things I don't like about him..

• He is not that intellectual as I would expect..I don't feel challenged for the slightest. And well yes, there are 9 types of intelligence... I am talking about spiritual and intrapersonal intelligence. Look, he is not stupid at all, and I think he is very social. It kinda disturbs me though that he has such a strange relationship with people, like many many fights and scandals. It can't really be his fault since most of those people are strong and debilitated SD Red.. People with high intrapersonal intelligence don't attract those toxic aqcuiantenceships and dangerous encounters though.
• He doesn't speak English. Many people here where I live who do speak English tend to be fluent in internet culture and I noticed are generally more intelligent and humorous... they have more options to find content that grows them and stimulates their intellect. With him not speaking English, the material he consumes is very limited and low quality, generally SD Red, SD Blue.. SD Orange tops. He also only watches mainstream culture. 
• Since he doesn't speak English, it would be hard to introduce him into the self-help culture. I don't think he is into psychology, or these things... a plus is that he appreciates my personality. HE says I make him calm, with my mere being. I think that's how average folk feel about people who are developing themselves spiritually, as I do. Which is interesting! Because a person from this forum, if they'd meet in in real life, they'd know why! But you see, he doesn't!! Which adds a layer of mystery to my personality.  
• He talks very loudly. Kinda yells. Talks with a country accent... I mean I do too but due to my lisp I sound slavic, which I think is a plus?  Many people compliment it..  He has a typical country accent though. The accent is ok. But he yells. He speak loudly and I feel awkward sometimes.. 
• He wants children in the future, and a family. I don't want no child........ he says, let's have children in 3 years. I said minimum 5. Ugh, young Libra men these days...
• All the scandals and enemies he has. And problems with police and city hall because of the bank and enemies. Why can't he be more responsible about his acts..
• When he is nervous, he drinks. Sounds like a red flag. This is the only red flag he has I think but... idk. I don't like it when men drink. But at least he doesn't hit me or anything. Just feels more relaxed. Has a lot going on, poor soul... he should take care of this in a more healthy way.

 

So these are some things I feel. I would love some replies on how to work on the relationship, on how to get him into higher consciousness states like I am in. How to find common ground... ?? How to develop together?

He actually mentioned " you seem like a person whom I will be going forward together". Does that mean he wants us to grow together??.. as a family???

Ok so give advice about the things that I don't like

Also tell me guys what you think about the whole post..

 

P.s.:

@Shin You were right... Since I let go of that toxic fuck I am happier.  

Edited November 7, 2019 by Aquarius
grammar

[Average Investor]

I think it would be worthwhile to watch leos red flag video and think about him without your attachment. The scandals and fighting and lack of relationships to me poke out as a big red flag. But I have not meet this person. Maybe he is excellent I would not know just reading some text. But really try to think of it subjectively. I wish that I had screened a lot better before my last relationships and it makes it very easy for me to weed out bad partners fast now. 

And whatever happens with it I wish you happiness. 

Edited November 7, 2019 by Average Investor

[Forestluv]

18 hours ago, Aquarius said:

Ok so give advice about the things that I don't like

Also tell me guys what you think about the whole post..

Regarding the things you don't like. . . people's conditioned traits tend to re-appear in patterns. It just takes a lot for people to change. For example, if someone has had a drinking problem it's more likely or not to continue to be a problem - even if they try to hide it in the beginning.  Or if a person has a history of high conflict in relationships, that is more likely than not to continue. People can change, yet it takes a lot and someone needs to want to change. I've been in many relationships in which I hoped and encouraged the person to get into personal development and spirituality and they never did - their heart just wasn't into it and I couldn't make them do it. . . Yet that might not be a big deal if the negatives aren't that big, the person supports your PD/spirituality and you have common interests. I've dated gals not into PD, yet they were totally cool with me doing it and we had so much in common - watching movies, traveling, cooking dinner together, going to concerts etc. . . Yet eventually we would hit a road block. After 6 months or so, that stuff would fizzle out and we weren't growing together as a couple since she had no interest in personal growth. 

His statement "" you seem like a person whom I will be going forward together" can be grounded and mature. I think it's a good thing when the other person is honest and indicates that they value relationship progress. . . Buuut. . . saying "I love you" and talking about a life together and having kids together this early in a relationship sounds very immature to me. It sounds like he may be able to express his emotions, which can be a positive - yet he also sounds ungrounded and immature.

Not speaking the same language well would be a concern for me because it creates so many complications. If I really liked someone, I would be willing to put in the extra patience and effort tho. Or if we were into learning languages, it would be a cool thing. For example, I am at an intermediate level of Spanish and I would love to date a native latina that doesn't speak much English. I would learn Spanish so much faster and be part of that culture.

The talking loudly wouldn't be my biggest concern. If we got along well, it something we could work to improve. For example, I had a bad habit of interrupting an ex-gf while she was talking. I wasn't doing it to be rude or disrespectful. I would get excited in the conversation and just blurt out ideas. She told me how bothersome this was to her and I made an effort to improve. Over time I improved, yet she would bring it up once or twice a week for a while. 

If it were me, I may go into "dating mode" and explore. Yet I would establish strong personal boundaries to take care of myself. 

[Annoynymous]

@Aquarius Girl you need a lot of experience to grow up.

[LordFall]

What you write screams of red flags. I cosign @Average Investor's recommendation with the Leo video and try to look at it from a neutral perspective. I would look into his stories to confirm them. I might very well be wrong but he does seem to have low self-esteem as well as a victim complex. Those traits tend to turn abusive in the long run, beware. 

[Lento]

It seems like you're so in love with him, it's apparent in how you are exaggerating some little positive things about him and undermining the negative ones. I would be very careful making any serious decisions prematurely. Whatever you think right now, it's your heart, not your mind, and for proper judgement the heart alone isn't enough, you need your mind as well.

[egoeimai]

@Aquarius hello Aquarius ♒ 

I'm a sagittarius ♐ how ya doing??

Haha

I liked that you are opening up so much and talked about a lot of things openly. Would you like to message me anytime? 

For the sake of your post, I do feel low vibes and red flags everywhere. ?

[Lento]

11 hours ago, modmyth said:

This would drive me insane.

Is this a good thing or a bad thing?

[Lubomir]

@Aquarius I also see a lot of red flags. 

I would say that you're not really conscious about this whole thing.

For me it seems like he have really low self-confidenc.

 

How long do you know each other?

When you're talking about moving to a different city, golden rings, kids.... for me these things may come after half of the year and even then it shouldnt be taken so serious...

But that's just me

[ajasatya]

On 07/11/2019 at 1:52 AM, Aquarius said:

• He wants children in the future, and a family. I don't want no child........ he says, let's have children in 3 years. I said minimum 5.

LOL.

Really hard advice: keep working on your emotional authonomy. Make sure both of you are working towards being stronger everyday. Building a family, whether or not there are children involved, takes a lot of maturity and grip. In other words, beware so that you guys don't use each other as crutches for too long.

[Eph75]

@Aquarius A lot of red flags there IMO. Sounds like he's a lot of talk but few good qualities to follow up.

Drinking issues is a red flag for sure.

Having "enemies" is a huge red flag. Online, you get enemies-haters but in real life if you are as good a guy as he seems to have managed to make you believe? Big, red, waving ... flag.

It don't really sound much like a coincidence that he befriended you on Facebook either, turning out to live on the same street, sounds like a digital stalker  

Or.. ignore flags, he might be the best guy in the world. Do what feels right, live with the consequences.

A better thing to do might be asking yourself what it is with this guy that you want, trying to look past all the flattery and conforming to your needs. That stuff will more than likely dissipate as time goes by. You might find yourself with just the worse qualities left.

Is there a need with you that you want him to fulfill? Making you look past/be blind to the red flags. 

Edited November 8, 2019 by Eph75

[Hello from Russia]

I'm not trying to be offensive here, just giving my perspective after I read it. 
Right now I am under impression that all that stuff you wrote went from your vagina, not from your heart or mind, especially the part about children. I'd wear off of stimulation a little bit and think about it more sober and authentically. Not saying this guy is not right for you, though. Maybe yes, maybe no, up to you and your authentic bodymind to decide 

Edited November 8, 2019 by Hello from Russia

[Emerald]

The vibe I get is that he's has some narcissistic and self-aggrandizing tendencies, and is maybe using you as a person to bring into his narcissism to support it. Basically, he's looking for a co-dependent to control and boss around. And now he's saying nice things like "You're a blessing" and that kind of thing, but soon it may turn into disparaging thoughts and trying to change/control you. So, don't take his openness or niceties as a sign that he is good for you. Often times, manipulators will share of themselves openly just to engender a sense of trust in their victims to get them hooked. 

 

[flume]

Not trying to offend you but a lot of what you’re writing here is reminding me of my younger self. 

Let’s see if this rings a bell: You’re often with guys that are somewhat depressed and have pretty low self esteem. They’re unusual, outcasts with some kind of unique world view which you find really interesting. They’re often a lot older than you (10+ years), you get in ‘too deep too quickly’, you open up all the way because you trust people a lot which got you in somewhat dangerous situations in the past but it was never too bad. You keep seeing the good sides of people even when they straight up use you for sex or something else. You like strong, big, melancholy guys that have a protector feel, a safe sanctuary a big, chaotic world. You think there’s something extremely special about you two and that no one sees the world the way you two do.

I bet you love helping people, don’t u? You see where they’re ‘stuck’ in life and you wanna help them out. Cause even though those guys are a lot older than you, you secretly think you have a lot more life experience and you know just well what the other person would need. You see what the ‘next step’ is gonna be for them. You can’t wait to ‘get to work’ and introduce all kinds of concepts to them that would be good for them. You low key hope they’ll end up saying something like ‘Oh, if only I listened to you earlier’.

You feel needed and it feels good, no?

Well, you’re actually making those guys dependent on you while you think you’re helping them. You force them into their position. So you’re not really helping them to grow because if they would overcome all of these ‘problems’ eventually, you’ll dump them and get someone else because they don’t need you anymore.

How would you feel being with a guy that is fine self esteem wise? That has his life more or less together? Can you handle not being needed? 

You just have a lot more growing to do. You’re ready for love when you don’t have a list of bullet points that need fixing about the other person. And when you can stand the thought that another person doesn’t really need you.

As long as you don’t make this part conscious, you’ll keep attracting those weird kinds of guys.

[Lubomir]

@Eph75@flume Flume, thank you. This is awesome insight

[Key Elements]

On 11/6/2019 at 8:52 PM, Aquarius said:

•  
• He wants children in the future, and a family. I don't want no child........ he says, let's have children in 3 years. I said minimum 5. Ugh, young Libra men these days...
• All the scandals and enemies he has. And problems with police and city hall because of the bank and enemies. Why can't he be more responsible about his acts..
• When he is nervous, he drinks. Sounds like a red flag. This is the only red flag he has I think but... idk. I don't like it when men drink. But at least he doesn't hit me or anything. Just feels more relaxed. Has a lot going on, poor soul... he should take care of this in a more healthy way.

 

Are you sure about these? If a baby is born, you know that it's a 24/7 job, right? If no one wants to help out, then are you ready to become a housewife?

[Lento]

@modmyth Okay, thank you for the answer. Would you say that most women are like that or is it only you? And how would you classify/view the personality of a woman who demands/desires that and a man who says it like that? What would likely be the cause, in your opinion? Thank you whether you answer this bunch of questions or not. And finally, I hope that thanking you twice in one post doesn't count as a bad thing ?

Thanks!

Edited November 8, 2019 by Lento
Thrice ?

[Shin]

 

I will be very blunt, but that needs to be said somehow (I don't hate you ).

 

There is too many redflags.
Maybe you need the suffering to get it, but this won't work, you're both needy and undeveloped psychologically.

This will end in a unhealthy relationship, with psychological and/or physical violence on the mid/long term if you decide to stay together, because of the neediness and attachment.

If you don't want to waste your time, dump him and focus only on yourself for quite some time.
Read about female/male psychology from legit source (like David Deida for example), do lots of inner work to one way or another get the root of the neediness and attachment, which is translated by you accepting to enter any kind of relationships with lesser men.

Sometimes you need to back off and focus just on you, especially when it comes to relationships.
There is things you need to solve before being able to handle a healthy relationship, and until that is done, there won't be a healthy person that will be interested in you, or if it does, this person will leaves you when he will understand you're not developed enough anyway.

Also, you don't change someone, they do or they don't.
This guy sounds like a huge and dense ego, and has a LOT of work to do, possibly for life to even get some sense of peace one day.
If you stay with him, you'll limit yourself greatly for years or maybe decades until the relationship is over.

But again, maybe you need the pain and suffering to become conscious of this like I did, but this doesn't have to be this way though.

 

Read again those points, and if you still can't see how it already is doomed, then you definitely need to learn more about healthy relationships and healthy understanding of the opposite sex:
 

Quote

 

• he told me he never goes outside. Later on I found out it's because of scandals he has with people who are jealous of him.. physical fights and all...
• He used to own a popular bank. A bank that didn't work and they closed cause they had problems and all.
• Got many jealous enemies that fought him.
• He says "I love you" every 5 minutes.
• He says he has haters and enemies because he is too good for them.
• He could fight everyone, and sometimes does so.
• Little sexual experience is an advantage for me. Can't really kiss and is kinda unexperienced, since only had 1 gf... but this only makes him more emotional and agreeable, to care more about me and appreciate me more... since he had so little experience. So...
• He will, from now on, take care of my sexual, emotional, love, food, shelter, job and safety needs.
• let's have children in 3 years
• problems with police and city hall because of the bank and enemies.
• When he is nervous, he drinks.

 

 

[Lento]

@modmyth Much appreciated.

I actually was expecting the answer to come in terms of narcissism, dominance, and empathy more than feminine vs. masculine. I was thinking it can be related to childhood trauma or something. What do you think?

[ajasatya]

@Shin Back from the dead. Good insights!