Building a relationship towards actualization

[Jo96]

So I don’t know if this is a common problem or if I’m being arrogant. Or if Im being too controlling or what. But I’ve been dating my current girlfriend for close to a year now and I keep running into this problem:

I am trying to put myself on somewhat of a path of personal growth, and she seems to be holding me back (or maybe I’m looking at it the wrong which I’m also open to.) But every time I add a healthy habit I feel the need to share it with her and get her on a similar path because I see the benefits and I see how doing things like mediation, eating healthy, yoga, contemplating and evolving overall could improve our relationship and her life and mine. But I run into sharp resistance. She says that she is interested and will even try these things but when it really comes down to it she isn’t willing to fully commit and she gets frustrated when I push her too hard to stick to these habits with me which I try to frame as something to build ourselves together and that we are taking this journey together. In reality though it feels as if I am dragging her along and end up getting frustrating because she isn’t moving as fast as me or as passionate about growth as me.

 

The ironic thing is the more I grow the more I see how and what holds her back emotionally and psychologically. When we get into fights it’s less so me fighting and more And more me dealing with her strong emotions which I no longer get due to doing the work. and it’s like I want to explain to her and I do why she’s feeling the way she is or is lashing out but it feels futile as she isn’t doing the work I recommend nor is she sticking to it. It’s not from lack of trying on her end either. It’s sinply that she doesn’t move as quickly through this work as I do as she lacks experience in building habits or growth. 

I  know this work is usually about self growth and helping or saving others is not recommended, but I would like to find a solution that maybe doesn’t involve us breaking up. I accept that I am probably somewhat deluded so does anyone have any advice or gone through something similar? 

[Knock]

Welcome to the forum @Jo96! 

This is a tough one, and I hope you don't mind me being blunt here, I mean it with love 

1 hour ago, Jo96 said:

I am trying to put myself on somewhat of a path of personal growth, and she seems to be holding me back (or maybe I’m looking at it the wrong which I’m also open to.)

How is she holding you back? By not changing herself?

1 hour ago, Jo96 said:

...I push her too hard to stick to these habits with me which I try to frame as something to build ourselves together and that we are taking this journey together.

This doesn't sounds healthy at all

1 hour ago, Jo96 said:

...it feels futile as she isn’t doing the work I recommend nor is she sticking to it. 

This also doesn't sound good.  

 

From an outside perspective, it looks like this:

• I don't fully accept my girlfriend as she is and I want to change her.
• She is holding me back by her not changing; she is the problem. 
• I push my girlfriend to change for my own desires.
• I get frustrated when my girlfriend doesn't change.

My suggestion:

• Work on unconditional love for yourself and your relationships.
• Learn about each other's love languages.

Good luck  

[Jo96]

 

Thank you for the reply. I’m not disagreeing. But I do have some objections because I do not entirely feel you grasp my full thought process. 

16 minutes ago, Knock said:

How is she holding you back? By not changing herself?

I keep finding myself being sucked back into lower consciousness thinking because of where she’s at in her mediation work.  You misunderstand I by no means am verbal about this all the time as I understand part of the problem is me willfully participating. 

For example I’ll come back from a solo retreat and I’ll have the realization of no self and be experiencing  the world through less and less of my own identity and everything will feel like a dream.  

She will get mad at me or pick some fight with for something that comes from personal trauma that she not overcome yet (she has PTSD and is dealing with a pretty rough past). I’ll then willingly venture back into the many layers of perceived reality without being able to completely go as deep as I’d like into these experiences.

 

This is just one example this happens with mediation. Or with my diet and how she will play the part to tempt me to make unhealthy choices by choosing restaurants to eat at like McDonald’s or Burger King. You see I accept some of the blame even here because I’m willingly participating but it feels like in a relationship that it’s very hard to peruse this work as if I was on my own Id only have my self to worry about. 

16 minutes ago, Knock said:

 

 

This doesn't sounds healthy at all

This also doesn't sound good.  

What’s wrong with pushing someone you love to be a better version of themselves ? Why does it not sound good if she isn’t sticking to the work? To preface she suffers a lot from trauma so I see her suffering when she doesn’t work on herself. 

She has seen some progress. I got her to quit smoking cigarettes and weed.  Change her diet away from McDonald’s and processed food  to a healthier plant based diet. I didn’t force her to do anything accept quit smoking weed because she was doing it everyday and it was damaging our relationship. which truthfully I cannot force unless she’s somewhat willing.

my question is what would be more unconditional love. Love where I don’t fight her habits that cause her to suffer and allow her to wallow in it or love in which I do nothing. 

16 minutes ago, Knock said:

 

[NoSelfSelf]

Conflict of values is a big problem in relationships to have a best relationship you should have same values...

[Byun Sean]

trying to change people is futile. If you don't want the person for who they are now, leave.