Me And My Journal Journey

[Baz]

22 hours ago, Baz said:

23.06.16 practicing self actualization and seeing the difference in myself is so wonderful. It's so wired even more so how I see other people and how they are and the differences of being on a hero's journey and others who don't even know a hero's journey exists. They don't even know or are aware of a self Actualized life. I'm certainly seeing the difference that's not at all to say they are worse off or bad in anyway it just came to mind today that I'm definitely seeing a shift in paragdim in myself compared to others who follow the herd because that all they know. I've got a long way to go through with my journey in self actualization.  

24.06.16 my meditation is working really well helping me smoothly deal and cope with anxiety I've found an amazing difference. Also my awareness on my thoughts throughout the day really has made me be more concious and finding that I'm reading my thoughts better and as a result it's creating a coping mechanism. 

[Baz]

On 6/23/2016 at 11:08 PM, Baz said:

23.06.16 practicing self actualization and seeing the difference in myself is so wonderful. It's so wired even more so how I see other people and how they are and the differences of being on a hero's journey and others who don't even know a hero's journey exists. They don't even know or are aware of a self Actualized life. I'm certainly seeing the difference that's not at all to say they are worse off or bad in anyway it just came to mind today that I'm definitely seeing a shift in paragdim in myself compared to others who follow the herd because that all they know. I've got a long way to go through with my journey in self actualization.  

25.06.16 Today I thought about how I need to be mindful of needing to keep the right balance of how much input I have with my niece and nephew who are aged 7 & 8 because I don't want the next 10 years to go by and realized that I have put my life on hold and not focusing on my life to be filled and have a purpose and a meaning. It's a hard balance to follow because they don't have dad or a role model although saying that I already play the role model I guess. Also on another note I've been practicing a lot of mindfulness of being in the moment, like here I am I'm Bharat I'm eating, here I am I'm Bharat brushing my teeth, and so on and so forth. I have to it's works back to back with being mindful I feel as though they work hand in hand with each other. And to top it I'm noticing in other people around me are not mindful and not even noticing what they are doing in the moment. I'm very interested in the out come of what this will become as I try to practice it daily.

[Baz]

26.06.16 Today I felt a sence of what I can only describe as self actualization inner joy. I just felt so wonderful about everything I was smiling from within. I must say I haven't felt this feeling, emotion, thought, as pure as this ever before if I could feel like this everyday WOW!!!! That would be priceless and if this is a hint of how self actualization feels then this is an amazing experience. Or for that matter whatever this is experience is I want to feel like this everyday. 

[Baz]

28.06.16 Today monkey mind took over for a while I'm feeling stressed with home situation and what with the amount of work I put into my niece and nephew. I can't stress enough how vitally important it is for me to be aware and mindful that I make sure I don't get fully caught up in looking after them so much so that I forget my own life to live because trust me it can so easily be done. And then as a result of it one gets resentment I don't want to be in that situation. Need to make sure I continue to move forward with the attitude of (start with the end goal in mind) which is be financially independent so I'm in a position to move out, my dream would be to settle abroad although before that need to get established in my career. Also was thinking today that I need to keep  my life fulfilled and meaningful. Really tired now can't write anymore my eyes are closing.

[Baz]

30.06.16 Just have to accept even more and that now accept it that it's my reality that I don't nor did I ever have a father figure nor do I have a relationship with my dad. Its has been a dead relationship from day dot. And to think we ever had a father and son relationship would be a lie. It isn't at all easy to say/write this although it is what it is and I refuse to let my life go down hill because of it I'm going to use this as an advantage and learn from it everyday to make sure I never ever replicate it if and when I have children at the same time be so aware and mindful that Iz don't become a reflection of my father. I can go on and on until the cows come home with all my father's faults but it's not worth it that being said he does have some amazing qualities sad thing is they are directed to people outside his own family. I find it so sad to say this but I'm going to because it's the truth, my father just drags me down and for me he's just not healthy to be around. 

[Baz]

04.07.16 This month I've committed myself to start doing five minutes of daily affirmations so let's see how I get on and the idea is to keep it going for months to come and see if I can keep doing it perminantly. Yesterday really proved that I'm a million miles away from self control even though I've been following Leo in his self Actualized work for the past six months. I went to a friend's birthday party and took a substance. Sometimes I feel as though I've got my life under control and I've worked out how my brain works but reality is in fact I haven't and I'm a million miles away. All I want in my life is to find my passion and to make a difference in the world with it, but I can't seem to get there. I haven't spoke to my father for weeks it's just a empty hollow relationship sad I know but it's the truth. I'm going to keep working as hard as I can to find my life purpose and fulfill with meaning and truth. Who's knows I maybe just chasing something that doesn't even exisit and I'm just in dream land finding myself disconnecting from everyone especially those whom have been in my life from day dot. 

[Baz]

05.07.16 What a day of anxiety, worry, feeling low, fed up, and so on and so forth. I haven't felt all of these in one go in a while. This self development work and working with Leo on l Actualized is sure one hell of a rollercoaster ride. One day is yes I can do this just got to keep going, and the other day is fuck this self development self actualization journey it's way to difficult and I'm just living in wishful thinking land. In all honesty all these emotions, feelings, thoughts, and trying to work on myself is my fucking head in. I don't even recognize parts of myself and I've only been doing it for six months What the hell is going on. Please somebody who ever is reading this give me your perspective I would really appreciate it. I'm really finding working on myself so hard. ?? 

[Baz]

06.07.16 felt really suffocated today, feel as though I'm like a mouse stuck in a maze and trying to find freedom but just keep on banging into dead ends. I know it all how I filter my thoughts and emotions and actions but all that is easier said than done until you know how to apply that process. You see the thing is I still live at home and my family don't get on when living with each other we only get on when we live apart. It isn't easy to just move out due to financial reason's but I'm working on that. It's sad to feel that I'm unhappy in my family home surely that's one place that should have peace and love. "Clearly not" what's even more sad is that we aren't even going to be together as a unit for much longer what with age. My house is a very unhealthy environment to live in we have no bond and absolutely not synergy what so ever.

[Baz]

07.07.16 What am aiming for? What is a self Actualized life? Is there really such a thing? Shall I move towards god more and leave it all in his or her hands? Seriously sometimes no actually a lot of the times everyday in fact I feel I'm getting somewhere then the next I feel the opposite I'm getting no where. Am I taking enough action? All these questions rat racing through my mind, six months of self development work implementing and actually changing towards positive habits and carrying them out. Well guess what.... my reality is I have no money, don't have a regular job, my family situation is totally fucked up and distorted, can't find my passion, watched Leo's latest video today on starting your own business scared the shit out of me, where is my life fucking going? I'm 43 years old and in this position and I tell myself all the time I just want to better myself and grow and develop, and here I am with all the above mentioned really does make me think is it all worth it? They say it could be worse and think positive it can only get better well right now I find that hard to digest. Oh and I don't have a girlfriend nor am I father aint had a girlfriend in over a decade, don't even have my own place to live, every time I want my own privacy I go out for walks or a run, have completely distanced myself from all my friends and family feel like a loner.

[Baz]

10.07.16 Today I used a strategy of interdependence and will see how the results prove in the next few weeks. I need to practice more open mindingness and also understand before being understood. I'm questioning if everything is within our control I'm certain not everything is, although need to get clarity on this matter. 

[Baz]

30.07.16 So I took a comitment that in the month of July which is now well not for long as July is practicality over, that I will spend five minutes everyday on saying affamations myself. If you haven't already I strongly recommend you try affamations they work wonders. I'm also very slowly realizing the positive results of working on self actualization it's been about seven months now since working on Leo's material. And I've adopted some positive habits daily and also work dam hard on changing my paragdim, it's all still work in progress although I've made positive productive changes so I'm very happy about that.