Me And My Journal Journey

[Baz]

So here it is me and my journal journey which I write daily. Well I try to as you'll see I started it on 25.04.16 

 

25.04.16 Today I created a record notebook to note down how many cigarettes I smoke everyday I've never done this before should be an interesting visual. I went out for a jog havent done that since living in Dubai so I was very pleased will be enlightened to see how I get on. I find it very challenging to live with my dad we just don't harmonise, everyday I think about moving out. Find the dynamic very challenging to look after my niece and nephew for the better and then there mum just sometimes does the opposite of what I've worked towards with them for the better.

26.04.16 Today I tried out a new time for my daily meditation earlier than normal it proved well. I also took the initiative to tell mum to deep clean our cooker so we did it together that's what I call interdependent execution. Like everyday I take time out to read which I did today, I also looked into info about the London Marathon which I want to do next year. I had a little of anxiety with regards to my future, however through my thoughts and awareness/mindfulness I recognized it and filtered my thoughts came to terms with them and recognized it was anxiety which really helped.

27.04.16 Today I wasn't as mindfulness as I could have been which meant during some parts of the day I fell asleep i. e falling into my subconscious so I need to watch this and keep up practicing my awareness. Not to my surprise the situation came up today with resh and kids visiting there dad I just need to improve my delivery on this matter, best way to do this is to tackle it on a principle based decision and to deliver it across based on that as it holds value truth and belief. Kids homework went really well today so I'm well pleased about that accomplishment, went for a jog kept focussed and began with the end goal in mind. Generally felt content today a little bit of anxioty kicked In felt i mind managed it well tho by being mindful and having awareness. Was missing Dubai a lot today kept thinking about how much I miss it and what the experience had done to my life, I want more life changing experiences because I don't want to live a Mundain life. Daily meditation went well.

28.04.16 Man what a day it's been house chores cleaning up after others, finding it really hard to live with my family predominantly my dad and sister, just can't seem to harmonise with them, a lot of what they are and have become I don't want to be it don't get me wrong I'm not say they are bad/horrible people in fact far from it all I'm saying is I feel I'm not moving forward b'cos I feel I'm spoon feeding them and I don't want my life wasted away in doing so, I know this sounds and is selfish but that's how I feel. I want to move out I know I'm entering a paradigm shift which I see things completely different from them hence the relationship feels like a total clash. Is it me is there something wrong with me am I getting mind masturbated with all this self Actualized stuff I'm studying? I just feel trapped and I don't like it. I don't my life to have the out come as my family members in some ways I feel bad saying this my family really supported me when I moved to Dubai but I'm just being honest. My walk went well really enjoyed it.

29.04.16 Today wasn't well at all, need to give up smoking as a long term goal, really really need to work on this for the benefit of my future health. Also need to be aware of Simran not fearing me I want her to know that my I'm disciplining her for the right reasons so she needs to understand the long term goal don't want her to fear me at all. Went out for dinner for laoo-bhai b'day as family which was amazing. Keep mindful about my health. Doctor said I need to keep relaxed and it has to be internally.

30.04.16 Had a real interesting internal thought today which was how when I got back from Dubz how much I saying and believing that we was cursed, how everything was just going against us what with the stresses of resh and her actions, another thought crossed my mind was that, how I've never really worked on myself in the past never at all looked into my own psychology until now and how much this has helped working on my paradgim and only until recent months how much I enjoy my own time to myself and by myself. I felt a gust of wind today that something incredibly amazing is going to happen toy life on top of all the amazing things already happening, feel as tho working on my self development so deeply is because I'm setting and aligning myself for an exceptional opportunity ahead.

01.05.16 Had a some what productive morning today so I'm happy about that executed what I needed to do (carpet) had fun getting Simran ready as always. Simran accidentally smashed a bowl today at breakfast she started crying even no one shouted at her or told her off we told her don't worry it was an accident, mum and dad (and I fink I did) started clapping and chanting... Well done well done, very good very good, as tho it was sarcasm in some way or form. Anyway later on that afternoon I asked Simran why did you cry she replied, b'cos Nana and Nani was clapping and saying well done as tho it was done by purpose and they do that a lot, basically she read the sarcasm and didn't like it, very interesting awareness to find out her thought process on it. I felt it was a very nice thought and effort for those who organized Gita & Shivarni b'day surprise. I felt I was keeping a conscious effort today to keep awareness throughout the party, I'm also noticing how the more I'm working on my self development I see in others the things I'm trying to change and self Actualize on, but I must be careful not to judge it nor look at myself as being above anyone else. A positive habit I'm trying do everyday is at the end of my day I rewind the days events as accurate as I can and just be mindful of what happened and with who and how my interaction went. This is a very helpful exercise. I think I'm becoming more of an introvert this is so interesting to me so I'm going to keep an eye on this as it's an area that is new to being me.

02.05.16 Wow today it was evident today that I still have a nasty seance of rage in me my inner chimp went wild, even tho I'm working on self development, and I've practiced and read the chimp paradox, resh drove out of harrow shopping center carpark and didn't notice a car approaching and pulled out nearly causing a accident, it was resh's fault for not paying attention. Anyway I was in the back with shiv and mum Simran was in the front, I let my window down and signed to the other driver calm down as he was understandably irate, he replied by saying.... I don't think you need to tell me to calm down you need to tell me "sorry" so I got irate and was pritty angry, anyway resh said sorry to him but I signaled him the middle finger and he done the same back then he replied is that all your goin to do? I nodded yes, he got even more pissed and called me a pussy this really started a rage kicking into me one that I've not had in years, just goes to show me I still have to be mindful a lot. Just a powerful observation I had today. On a more lighter note I'm so happy I have the time right now to invest in my personal development as I'm slowly and clearly realising this is such a power investment for my future. Also just want to close on my highlight of my day going for run this moring in Hyde park central London it was beyond amazing can't wait until the next time.

03.05.16 What day today has been, I've totally been hijacked by my inner chimp, taken my emotions and negative thoughts to another level really feel as though is it all worth it working on my personal development is the most hardest and challenging project I've ever done, just as you think you've made progress and then you get hit with a paradox of old school thought and it knocks you for six so hard to handle. Feels like a drainer. I observed resh doing the kids homework with them and as much as it was a reasonable effort it's far from, in fact, it was a million miles away from attention to detail, she just does not have it in her very unfit, tired, lack of focus, no awareness, now call this a judgement if you may, I'm aware of how negative I'm being and it's unjust of me I know but isn't easy to live with. It's just generally been on shitty day even tho I'm trying to manage the whole mindfulness of it. Life's fucking hard living with others.

05.05.17 Met Dee today enlightened me on why my sister is making up her lost time with kids by buying them materialistic things and more often then not feeding them crap this is due to her guilt this is her way of paying them back from all that's gone on and all that she can't and failed to provide and not provide, she knows deep inside her she has truly failed, this so powerful for me to know as it helps me deal with it. I had a priceless time with the kids today with taking them to swimming.

06.05.16 It's been silent treatment with kids today b'cos of the way they have behaved yesterday, in my mind I speak this... They have no appreciation no discipline and control over stimulation, there mum has no control over these matters. Am I not being open minded enough, am I judging it to much, also the silent treatment is such a danger as it's history repeating it's self from how we've been brought up and how it clearly show lack of communication skills and this history of mind set is dangerous for the kids to replicate. Also was full of anxiety today really hated it. Went out for Kush b'day even tho I have no money but my good friend Jose covered me and was really nice to buy my drinks I didn't want to go b'cos of my financial situation however I'm glad I did b'cos you know what making an appearance for Kush meant a lot and she was so pleased and she really appreciated it, just goes to show it's not all about money weather you have it or not, there are beautiful people in your circle to look after you and I'm very greatful for that.

07.05.16 A day of anxiety and confusion really felt lost and my emotions running wild, I felt as though I have no direction in my life then I'm asking myself am I looking and thinking into it all to much, am I reaching for the impossible, am I imposing my new beliefs onto others to much, I mean I haven't even got it down to a T myself and it's all still so new and difficult for me. I just keep on repeating to myself I don't want a average life, even though I've been living one since I was born, is it to late for me and do I just go with hope, in all honesty I think I am just going with hope and hoping it all works out, am I over thinking it all then on the other hand surely if it's hard and all the hard emotions and all the mental mindset change is going to be hard that's what should pay off to have what I want which is a fulfilled and purposeful life, I'm concerned that I will turn a bit bitter and disconnect from my friends and family with regards to having nothing in common is that what this does is it, is it? Went out for dinner this eve all six of us for dads b'day to pizza express which was delightful we also went for a drive into and around London b'cos mum wanted to that was nice, also made amends with laoo-bhai although that could take a turn at any point. Really felt my meditation today had a deeper level of experience. I said to myself today that looking after/playing the role I do which the kids is not for me I don't want it, am I saying this b'cos I want to give up on doing the extreamely hard role and draining emotions that comes in doing it, I also thought that looking back at my track record what with my career that I give up with everything that happens to me in my life I get excited in the beginning and I'm super committed focused, but then after a few months I loose all that I feel as tho "what am I getting out of it?'" Do I just not see that this is life, life is a battle am I derlooded in thinking life is effortless and smooth I reckon I am. I'm always giving up when the going gets tuff, how can I ever see progress with this mentality.

08.05.16 Absolutely amazing start to the day today went for a jog in central London which was so beautiful such gorgeous views and sites, a added bonus and full fillment was when I randomly high five a passing fellow jogger. Also today attended prayers in honer to those who passed away in the past year it was very humble and the singers were really good. I even served drinks in the food court which I haven't done in years.

09.05.16 Anxiety kicking in today infact I'm noticing it happening to me a lot recently, I have huge concern about my financial predicament. It sometimes really scares more times than others or is it the fact that im working a lot on my personal development and that I'm learning so much about myself through my own psychology that infact it's that what is freaking me out. I was thinking today I need to push myself more in this area but at the same time I don't want it to exhusitng and draining I get that it's going to be hard however I want it to be smooth hard kinda difficult to explain this emotion. Went for my walk today which is always so beautiful and today it was raining earlier so I really really loved the smell of the left rain just something satisfying about it here on London that you just get anywhere else or not that I've experienced not like London. Towards the end of today pritty much on and after my walk I feel a sence of relaxation a sence of inner peace a sence of where I am right now in my life and a visualization into my future life.

10.05.16 Got up this morning laoo-bhai running his tantrum not waking up, my emotions and thoughts are saying if he doesn't wake up on time before I do the school run then I'm going to leave him. Is there an actual problem that he needs guidenss in and am i missing something that I need to understand? Do I need to look into it more from a mindful perspective and not be judgemental I think do so to counter act this I suggested to Resh that we meet up this week set time aside to workout a action plan to resolve this ongoing unwanted situation. Went shopping with mother today we talked about how as family we realistically only 10/15 years together that was a very deep realisation to say the least kind of puts priorities more into perspective. I also need to think more in the way intelligence thinking for myself and not just take everything everyone else has told me basically question everything this will create more success for myself for the right reasons in what I want for my life. Had amazing fun with the kids today that's always priceless. Really do love my family.

 

12.05.16 Today on my walk I'm really deeply trying to workout how I can be different to be successful and not follow the herd I know that's what the majority of the population want however not everyone has whatever it takes to reach those heights. I know I don't have a strong academic history and that is a result of not paying any attention to studying back in school. But surly that isn't all means to success. I want to or at least know how to find my success. On my walk today I stopped off in the church on harrow on the hill I sometimes offten go there, infact I'm in the church right now whilest writing this. It's so peaceful in here. Back to the latter, I really really want to self-actualize I don't want an ordinary life a mandaine life a common follow the herd life, I'm not saying or feeling this because I want to feel superior or above anyone else. I truly and honestly want this for my life I want the financial status I want the fulfilling career, I deserve it and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to gain it all however for the right reasons I just need to how to get in touch and harmonizse with whatever it is that's waiting for me I just need to know how to connect with it. I mean seriously it's been five months now since I've been working on self Actualize I have a life long way to go but this is my best shot I believe that.

13.05.16 it was all go go go today preparations for mine and Virals center parcs holiday. Felt the pressure quite a bit made me realise the other side of the fence as I haven't felt this in a while. It's all good tho just made me mindful for the fact that with all the time I have being out of the rat race how much actual preasure I'm not under compared to the herd. I noticed I smoked more today. It's amazing being with Viral I haven't had this quality time with him in years so I'm forever grateful thank you. I noticed how the center parcs staff are so delightful that's very rare in today's corporate businesses. Viral and I are just going to be having a blast.

15.05.16 Super start to the day been away with Viral in centerparcs the past few days. Nice to be away. Just within my own awareness I have to say every time I think of my job and financial situ I feel anxiety that being said every time it happens it feels less and less of the actchual time the anxiety lasts this is due to accepting it and understanding why and reasons behind it. Spending at centerparcs with the outstanding service and quality time spent with Viral just goes to show me what makes me happy yes money does matter to me only because it can provide me with more meaningful and purposeful life experiences. I said to myself early today... Amazing things are going to happen to me in my life and you know what they are. All this time and effort I'm putting into my personal development is amazing because it's all putting me in meaningful place in my life long may it continue I'm forever greatful.

16.05.16 feeling very accomplished with my role in taking Viral (my friend) to centerpacs and also doing a good deed for yesssssssssss T (my friend) today helping her move her belongings to her new place. Was surprised that ted Baker didn't have any openings for me really don't know what to make of it, part of me feels to just let my career fall into place and another part of me feels really lost in what to do with my career, that brings the question am I doing enough of what needs to be done to really make it happen. THE BIGGEST THING IM STARTING TO BE AFRAID OF IS NOT HAVING MY LIFE FULLFILLED WITH A PURPOSE.

17.05.16 Today has been a bit of FML day feel like I couldn't really give a shit, said out loud no job, no money, not direction, feel frustrated, it all got a bit to much for me today even told mum I need to step back from my duties with the kids. Today I just feel as though I'm goin nowhere in my life, emotions are running wild, mindfulness just lost its way today. I even rattled at mum which now I realise was uncalled for I just got caught up and tence with all my thoughts and made a horrible and depressing story from them by place negative images just all took its toll however I'm going to try and recap and make a sence of it all so that I can have more control and understanding. Towards the end of my day I felt better or else I think I feel better. 

18.05.16 Today I said to myself I'm not going to let y'day emotions thoughts hijack me like they did, I don't want it and I refuse to let it control me, no no no! Had some spontainious thoughts today pritty good to what they led to, swimming with kids we had abundance of fun and once again priceless quality time together.  

19.05.16 Today I was in rat-race mode with regards to getting the kids chores done after school felt really pressured and was being very direct and non negotiable. Simran really go thd brunt of it so much so she said to me, mamu you never let us doing anything your always doing it your way, she obviously felt pressured and felt as tho all I do is dictate. And so we got into a bit of a heated discussion. I said to her ok well if you feel as though all I do is dictate and boss why don't you do your own thing from now on like get your own self to school, bath and get ready on your own, prepare and have your dinner by yourself. I also said Simran you know mon-thurs is a calculated and structured routine fri-sun are the days you can be free I said everything I do is out of love and care and I don't need you to tell me what your saying that's not fair on me I work so hard for you kids all for the right reasons (well that's what I think I may well be wrong) I didn't say that to her tho. Anyway as I explained and it was rather tence she understood. And the rest of the eve went amazingly well. Is it true that sometimes you've just got to give it people bish bash bosh no negotiation manor? Really want to practice on mindfulness a lot need to master it. 

21.05.16 An amazing start to the day kicked off with a one and half hour yoga session. It was very challenging to say the least but loved it. Another successful and joyful time with Simran and getting her ready. I was really thinking hard today about Shiv's love for football or is it just the idea of falling in love and following the herd, I tested it by asking Shiv name me all the players in barcalona who he seems to be loving and praising. He didn't know, fa cup final today manu V palace Shiv didn't really seem interested ones got to question this surely. I'll be deffinatly keeping an eye and being mindful on this.

22.05.16 Come on life show me push me, I don't want to die having lived a normal 9-5 life I want my life to reach limits of behond fulfillment I will not settle for ordinary yes a lot has happened amazing things life changing positive experiences and I'm forever grateful. I know I'm going through a shift in paragdim I know I am it's so hard tho good because it should be and I need this right now to make a self Actualized life full of purpose and meaning. Fuck going through the rest of my life what's left of it unconscious, no way. Am I doing enough though? That is the question, there most certainly has been a difference since I started in January 2016, I got to keep going as I believe working on myself will place me were I want to be. 

23.05.16 Had a fantastic journey today and the past couple of days with my meditation have now accomplished two 40/45min sessions since I started back in I think it was march/april. Done something that I haven't done in years today which is started to paint our garden fence felt like a karati kid for a moment all good tho. Spoke to laloobhai this morning about what vision he has to become at professional footballer that was pritty intense to say the least also had a meeting with resh with regards to how progress is going with the kids and her. I was very much to the point direct and honest so lets see how it goes advised a few changes and for her to be more mindful, you know whilest doing it I felt a sence of purpose and fullfillent and while writing this a sence of calmness. I'm starting to really feel a shift in my existence it's what I wanted in reality it's hard work but I'm guessing the type of hard work it is it's having a purpose it has a meaning it has concious awareness I so much want my life to move in the direct of this. Make the necessary changes and most certainly make the difference.

24.05.16 Today felt more tired than normal for some reason. Be patient I said to myself today. I visulised myself as someone whom others come to for advise and answers I also visulised being a millionaire and so many family members asking me how I made it and asking me what's my secret and I would reply with "work on your self development" I went a bit all out Simran this morning with regards to her general basic what she should know e.g what day of the week is it? When is the next school term holiday? How long is it for? I showed her from the school holiday chart how it works and she didn't seem to get it, so I pressed on at her saying this is basic info she should know. She felt under preasure is it right that I sometimes I put her under preasure I feel I do as this will push her.

25.5.16 wow what a day of procrastination and turbulence emotions going wild, just can't seem to get it right is this a off day or a reality of im not and far from were I thought to be. I believe I'm a million miles away. Am I off track the way I shouted at shiv today was out of order and I owe him an apology. My thoughts are telling me to move out and that all this minding the kids and my involvement is way to excessive feel as though to take a step back. What about my life is this holding me back? If I'm not aware and mindful enough then my life will just pass me by resh will make minor adjustments she will never change deeper within and I'm not going to charge that I can't and to be honest I don't want to as it's not my responsibility. My inner chimp ran wild and out of control. It's pritty crazy because part of me is saying good this happened becasue this is by no means an easy ride and that trying to achieve something great is going to have these hurdles and it's my job no one else's to over come them. I think one needs to understand and be open-minded with the reality. Weather that is possible is to be questioned.

26.05.16 so this morning I apologized to shiv and explained the way I reacted was unacceptable my awareness was not there. He told he was frighted when asked him was he scared. I really need to beware that he is still a child and for this reason he doesn't know as of yet fully right from wrong or even understand things. I also apologised to Resh having made the both apologies I felt I managed my ego and that felt more good than the apologies in all honesty. Put some real quality time in today with regards to job hunting found it to be productive. In my hearts of heart I really want to live a fulfilled life.

27.05.16 Today was a fab start to the day, also had some amazing quality time with kids me and Simran had loads of laughter and me and shiv went bike riding and played football. Just priceless times. Spent some time on my personal development. Went for my daily walk in the eve and it all went FML from there just don't seem to get it. All this trying to better myself work on myself fullfil myself make my life to a purpose what the fuck. Am  just dreaming wishful thinking, wake up baza. Got hijacked and can't seem to find way to manage it. Think I've got it all worked out yeah yeah what ever baza. Just feel like I'm getting mind fuck and mind mastabated. I'm really what was am I thinking. Fuck it!

28.05.16 Today went out for my daily walk but this time spent some real quality time sitting in the fields reading loads and just spending time on my own. I really love my own time now. Today I thought about how detached I've become from friends and family more so with friends and all this personal development I've been working on. I was asking myself what if all this really talks it's toll and I as a result I loose my network or forget how to be a part of because I see things totally different from everyone and soon could result in having nothing in common. I also zoned in a lot on trying to understand resh and still everyday think about how much better off I'd be moving out. It's so scary to think my life could be wasted in being just an extra body whom the family relay upon. Don't get my wrong it's not that I don't want to help because I do ì just don't want my life to go by in this situation because that's very easily done if I'm not concious and aware of it. 

29.05.16 so today I reached another successful 40mins meditation session I'm very pleased as is clearly showing me progress. Also today while I was sitting in the park as I often do these just to read and reflect on my life and manly figure out what my inner self desires. Anyway I had a really deep inner revolution which was that I never really as of yet followed the career path ln industry I've worked in and boy have I worked in a few I've just fallen into it and it never was what I really wanted to do there hasn't really been any planning towards it yes I've worked hard and had amazing experiences but they haven't been fulfilling or even more importantly had a PURPOSE

[Baz]

@Baz

30.05.16 Today ì pretty much was reading all day researching on coaching and came a cross some fantastic material. All this reading I'm doing lately is different for in terms of good habit, never used to be like this was more into social events. Im slowly realising that what I'm finding emotionally difficult and emotionally hard is actually a good thing for me personally, still adjusting to this haven't yet fully grasped it because the way I've always thought about this is that if something I'm working on is like this then it's not worth doing and ì slow give up. And you know what I'm glad I'm shifting my paragdim. P-DIDDY came home today and had tea and food he hasn't come over in ages like this because him and mum haven't been getting along for quite some time. I'm glad tho that he came over hopefully this is a start to making amends even if it's not going to ever be exactly how it was between them it's still in my eyes a positive progress. Another thing I want to touch base on is everyday I can't stop visualising myself talking about all this personal development I'm doing to the brothers and others got to be mindful about this as I don't want to preach it better still I'd rather come at it to people in a way in which I'm educating it and advising it. Got to master it myself first tho which is a very very scary process.

[Baz]

On 5/31/2016 at 10:03 AM, Baz said:

@Baz

30.05.16 Today ì pretty much was reading all day researching on coaching and came a cross some fantastic material. All this reading I'm doing lately is different for in terms of good habit, never used to be like this was more into social events. Im slowly realising that what I'm finding emotionally difficult and emotionally hard is actually a good thing for me personally, still adjusting to this haven't yet fully grasped it because the way I've always thought about this is that if something I'm working on is like this then it's not worth doing and ì slow give up. And you know what I'm glad I'm shifting my paragdim. P-DIDDY came home today and had tea and food he hasn't come over in ages like this because him and mum haven't been getting along for quite some time. I'm glad tho that he came over hopefully this is a start to making amends even if it's not going to ever be exactly how it was between them it's still in my eyes a positive progress. Another thing I want to touch base on is everyday I can't stop visualising myself talking about all this personal development I'm doing to the brothers and others got to be mindful about this as I don't want to preach it better still I'd rather come at it to people in a way in which I'm educating it and advising it. Got to master it myself first tho which is a very very scary process.

31.05.16 didn't have time for a full session of daily meditation today although still felt good fo doing what I could because I made sure of it, so this surely is a good sign of trying to maintain positive habits. Not sure how to inform friends and family that I'm keeping myself at a distance need to keep conscious of this and find a harmonious way to communicate this not only to myself but to others. I can't tell you enough how much I DON'T want a life that of not following the herd. I have been there and done that far to long in my life. Maybe I am a dreamer maybe I am asking for the impossible, maybe I am fooling myself, maybe I do need to "wake up and smell the coffee" as they say. Whatever it is I'm determined and adamant to make a go of it. I want it and I'm prepared to make it. 

1.06.16 Today was nice invited to ux by sister shiv for dinner which was unexpected. Considering I was thinking otherwise just the other day thinking how it wasn't in her interest to come to Chine even though she visited Talbot. (I guess I may have an expectation) and wasn't even aware of it. Bike ride with kids was an experience really went behond and broke barriers with Simran with regards to pushing her fitness levels and her fear of bike rising (I'm going to stick to my guns on this on) and say I'm glad I did. Keep going baza with all your self development it's fucking hard but it will pay off. I'm really still in turbulence mode with it all but I I'm going to keep my feet on the fire.

[Baz]

On 6/2/2016 at 6:36 PM, Baz said:

31.05.16 didn't have time for a full session of daily meditation today although still felt good fo doing what I could because I made sure of it, so this surely is a good sign of trying to maintain positive habits. Not sure how to inform friends and family that I'm keeping myself at a distance need to keep conscious of this and find a harmonious way to communicate this not only to myself but to others. I can't tell you enough how much I DON'T want a life that of not following the herd. I have been there and done that far to long in my life. Maybe I am a dreamer maybe I am asking for the impossible, maybe I am fooling myself, maybe I do need to "wake up and smell the coffee" as they say. Whatever it is I'm determined and adamant to make a go of it. I want it and I'm prepared to make it. 

1.06.16 Today was nice invited to ux by sister shiv for dinner which was unexpected. Considering I was thinking otherwise just the other day thinking how it wasn't in her interest to come to Chine even though she visited Talbot. (I guess I may have an expectation) and wasn't even aware of it. Bike ride with kids was an experience really went behond and broke barriers with Simran with regards to pushing her fitness levels and her fear of bike rising (I'm going to stick to my guns on this on) and say I'm glad I did. Keep going baza with all your self development it's fucking hard but it will pay off. I'm really still in turbulence mode with it all but I I'm going to keep my feet on the fire.

03.06.16 Had a behavioural issue today with Simran we fell out over it, then later after evaluating it in my mind and rewinding the episode in my mind and trying to grasp it and understand why it happened and the pin point reason I sat simran down and we talked it through bit by bit piece by piece. Time will tell on weather this was fruitful or not so will need to keep a watchful eye. Tomorrow I'm attending a two day course on Coaching with the coaching academy. I had thoughts of how comes l haven't found my dream career or lets call it my passion. This seriously is bugging me and has been for years. Had emotions of really wanting to go for it really thrusting for it but then asking myself what is it. I'm 43 years old and dream of making it in ten years.

04.05.16 procrastination kicked in today as it probably does everyday it's just today I was aware of it and concious of it. Massive thoughts and emotions Today about just feel empty with any form of relationship with my sister really really feel we've got absolutely nothing in common. I just can't relate to her or her ethic we just are from different worlds. I constantly just see a lazy, unfit, no ambition, person whenever I'm around her presence. When I look at her I think... there is no way on this planet that I want to be anything like her nor do I even look up to her. This is real emotions I'm talking her. Sad isn't it very very sad, but it's a reality it's the truth. And I believe this doesn't help the matter us living under the same roof so I want to move out as it's proven that we get along better not living together. Feel trapped and I sure don't as hell don't like it. Need to get out of this situation as it's holding me back.

[Baz]

05.06.16 so today was my final day attending the course with The Coaching Academy met some very interesting people from all walks of life. It's so interesting to hear other people's life stories there background and what areas in life they are finding it to be a struggle and it even more so, it amazes me how similar people's struggles are, when all or at least most of the time you think your the only one. Just fascinates me how much one has in common with another person they have never ever met before. And how much my eyes see how perfect or my mind believes everyone else's lives look problem free and mines is the messed up one. I couldn't be further enough from the truth. One question I offten ask myself is... if something in ones life is difficult and draining shall one still continue it or just let it go? Isn't it meant to be that if something is difficult then that's all the more reason to have it mastered and keep at it. I've been working on Leo's material since January this year and as much as I find it amazingly mind blowing and inspirational it's fucking hard to get self Actualized.

[Baz]

23 hours ago, Baz said:

05.06.16 so today was my final day attending the course with The Coaching Academy met some very interesting people from all walks of life. It's so interesting to hear other people's life stories there background and what areas in life they are finding it to be a struggle and it even more so, it amazes me how similar people's struggles are, when all or at least most of the time you think your the only one. Just fascinates me how much one has in common with another person they have never ever met before. And how much my eyes see how perfect or my mind believes everyone else's lives look problem free and mines is the messed up one. I couldn't be further enough from the truth. One question I offten ask myself is... if something in ones life is difficult and draining shall one still continue it or just let it go? Isn't it meant to be that if something is difficult then that's all the more reason to have it mastered and keep at it. I've been working on Leo's material since January this year and as much as I find it amazingly mind blowing and inspirational it's fucking hard to get self Actualized.

06.06.16 Today found it to be a mixture of both feeling good for taking action on research on the career getting shit done, then later felt a massive sence of fear that of where am I going with this actualized.org stuff to be Frank I'm feeling mind fucked and I'm not sure if I like it. Shall I just go back into the rat race follow the herd because in some ways that's not always a bad thing. Deep down I don't want to but to follow Leo is so fucking hard and emotionally draining sometimes. Don't get me wrong Leo is doing an awesome job but fuck me this is so hard and I'm changing over it feel as though I'm disconnecting from my network of friends and family which I've had for decade's. It's scary to say the least.

[Baz]

23 hours ago, Baz said:

06.06.16 Today found it to be a mixture of both feeling good for taking action on research on the career getting shit done, then later felt a massive sence of fear that of where am I going with this actualized.org stuff to be Frank I'm feeling mind fucked and I'm not sure if I like it. Shall I just go back into the rat race follow the herd because in some ways that's not always a bad thing. Deep down I don't want to but to follow Leo is so fucking hard and emotionally draining sometimes. Don't get me wrong Leo is doing an awesome job but fuck me this is so hard and I'm changing over it feel as though I'm disconnecting from my network of friends and family which I've had for decade's. It's scary to say the least.

07.06.16 so I've started a daily activity log something to get more focused and organized on just tuff like what I need to do on daily bases, basically getting shit done. It's like a time allocation I've set myself for things that I need to do throughout my day this is very helpful because throughout the day we all waste so much time on shit, shit that ain't no help what so ever in our lives, like watching TV or playing Xbox, or wasting time with people who just complain, complain, dragging you down etc etc.

[Baz]

08.06.16 Today a question came up in my mind which was do we as humans have life transformations what I mean by this is do we come across certain timezones in our life whereby we want more answers so we go into some sort of personal development or self help phase. Let me try and explain this a bit more clearly. So me for example in 2008 "The Secret" came into my life, then in 2014 "The cimp paradox" came into my life, and now in 2016 "Leo and his actualized.org" came into my life and honestly speaking all of these episodes came into my life by sheer chance no search or planning was done from my part what so ever all of these came into my life harmoniously. Now don't get me wrong I'm over the moon about it, I'm just asking is this the universe? Or some sort of higher power? Or is it me calling it and I don't even know it? Is it god? Because all of these episodes are having life transforming experiences in my life. Can anyone help me out with a possible answer?

[Baz]

On 6/8/2016 at 11:32 PM, Baz said:

08.06.16 Today a question came up in my mind which was do we as humans have life transformations what I mean by this is do we come across certain timezones in our life whereby we want more answers so we go into some sort of personal development or self help phase. Let me try and explain this a bit more clearly. So me for example in 2008 "The Secret" came into my life, then in 2014 "The cimp paradox" came into my life, and now in 2016 "Leo and his actualized.org" came into my life and honestly speaking all of these episodes came into my life by sheer chance no search or planning was done from my part what so ever all of these came into my life harmoniously. Now don't get me wrong I'm over the moon about it, I'm just asking is this the universe? Or some sort of higher power? Or is it me calling it and I don't even know it? Is it god? Because all of these episodes are having life transforming experiences in my life. Can anyone help me out with a possible answer?

09.06.16 felt a little tired today with all my personal development and self actualization work, really feeling it taking its toll. It's scary in all honesty and sometimes I think am I just better off going back to my non self development life. All this self study is making me wonder is there going to be an end to it, is there ever going to be a point were no more self development is needed, doing all this does it mean I'm disconnecting from the real world, or am I working towads the real world grrrrrrrrrrr I'm really confused right now could it be I'm searching for nothing and becoming derlooded to thinking all this actually works. I mean I don't even have laughs that much like before feel as though I've become way to serious in life on the other hand I feel as though all my self development and working on the Actualized.org is opening me up to a magnificent meaningful and fulfilling purposeful life and I'm feeling like this now because it's working and that all this hard work is preparing me for my next chapter. I guess what I'm trying to say is, is it all worth it in the end or not. 

Edited June 10, 2016 by Baz

[Baz]

On 6/8/2016 at 11:32 PM, Baz said:

08.06.16 Today a question came up in my mind which was do we as humans have life transformations what I mean by this is do we come across certain timezones in our life whereby we want more answers so we go into some sort of personal development or self help phase. Let me try and explain this a bit more clearly. So me for example in 2008 "The Secret" came into my life, then in 2014 "The cimp paradox" came into my life, and now in 2016 "Leo and his actualized.org" came into my life and honestly speaking all of these episodes came into my life by sheer chance no search or planning was done from my part what so ever all of these came into my life harmoniously. Now don't get me wrong I'm over the moon about it, I'm just asking is this the universe? Or some sort of higher power? Or is it me calling it and I don't even know it? Is it god? Because all of these episodes are having life transforming experiences in my life. Can anyone help me out with a possible answer?

09.06.16 felt a little tired today with all my personal development and self actualization work, really feeling it taking its toll. It's scary in all honesty and sometimes I think am I just better off going back to my non self development life. All this self study is making me wonder is there going to be an end to it, is there ever going to be a point were no more self development is needed, doing all this does it mean I'm disconnecting from the real world, or am I working towads the real world grrrrrrrrrrr I'm really confused right now could it be I'm searching for nothing and becoming derlooded to thinking all this actually works. I mean I don't even have laughs that much like before feel as though I've become way to serious in life on the other hand I feel as though all my self development and working on the Actualized.org is opening me up to a magnificent meaningful and fulfilling purposeful life and I'm feeling like this now because it's working and that all this hard work is preparing me for my next chapter. I guess what I'm trying to say is, is it all worth it in the end of not. 

10.06.16 Today was very mindful and I was trying very hard to be concious at all times felt very challenging to say the least. I'm still finding it difficult to live at home relationship with my sister is not healthy. I've mentioned this before in my daily journal. I find it very hard to live with her. I can't help but keep on thinking about the bad points here are just a few to mention. She lazy, unfit, messy, her diet is not good at all, her stress levels are off the roof, she lacks focus, the list goes on. I do try to look at her good points shes kind, caring, considerate, she hasn't had a good past broken boyfriend relationship with her ex boyfriend who beat her up and controlled her life for just over a decade, she has two kids with him boy and girl, because of her past and her lack of self awareness she has made repeated life mistakes which have coursed tremendous set backs, she always lacked confidence, and I can't help but think shes a burden, she moved in to our family home together with kids, and it's a handful I help out over 25 hours with my time and attention to he kids they are adorable but so much hard work and I feel that it's not my duty to this level. I have my own life to live and feel it's her bed she should lay in it. Any help/advice would be greatly appreciated. I am working a lot since January this year on my self development to help me deal with it. Leo material everyday, meditation, reading books, etc etc.

[Baz]

On 6/10/2016 at 10:42 PM, Baz said:

09.06.16 felt a little tired today with all my personal development and self actualization work, really feeling it taking its toll. It's scary in all honesty and sometimes I think am I just better off going back to my non self development life. All this self study is making me wonder is there going to be an end to it, is there ever going to be a point were no more self development is needed, doing all this does it mean I'm disconnecting from the real world, or am I working towads the real world grrrrrrrrrrr I'm really confused right now could it be I'm searching for nothing and becoming derlooded to thinking all this actually works. I mean I don't even have laughs that much like before feel as though I've become way to serious in life on the other hand I feel as though all my self development and working on the Actualized.org is opening me up to a magnificent meaningful and fulfilling purposeful life and I'm feeling like this now because it's working and that all this hard work is preparing me for my next chapter. I guess what I'm trying to say is, is it all worth it in the end of not. 

10.06.16 Today was very mindful and I was trying very hard to be concious at all times felt very challenging to say the least. I'm still finding it difficult to live at home relationship with my sister is not healthy. I've mentioned this before in my daily journal. I find it very hard to live with her. I can't help but keep on thinking about the bad points here are just a few to mention. She lazy, unfit, messy, her diet is not good at all, her stress levels are off the roof, she lacks focus, the list goes on. I do try to look at her good points shes kind, caring, considerate, she hasn't had a good past broken boyfriend relationship with her ex boyfriend who beat her up and controlled her life for just over a decade, she has two kids with him boy and girl, because of her past and her lack of self awareness she has made repeated life mistakes which have coursed tremendous set backs, she always lacked confidence, and I can't help but think shes a burden, she moved in to our family home together with kids, and it's a handful I help out over 25 hours with my time and attention to he kids they are adorable but so much hard work and I feel that it's not my duty to this level. I have my own life to live and feel it's her bed she should lay in it. Any help/advice would be greatly appreciated. I am working a lot since January this year on my self development to help me deal with it. Leo material everyday, meditation, reading books, etc etc.

11.06.16 it's been six months now since I've been following Actualized.org what a journey it's been and challenging, nervous, unsure, overwhelmed at times, confused, hard work, emotions all over the show. Bottom line though well worth it may not see it now but I feel it's a Sayer and not a player. Really feel confused at times although clarity seems to be light at the end of the tunnel. I just want to make sure I live a life of purpose fulfillment and meaning. I do not want to die living a life following the herd.

[Baz]

On 6/11/2016 at 11:38 PM, Baz said:

11.06.16 it's been six months now since I've been following Actualized.org what a journey it's been and challenging, nervous, unsure, overwhelmed at times, confused, hard work, emotions all over the show. Bottom line though well worth it may not see it now but I feel it's a Sayer and not a player. Really feel confused at times although clarity seems to be light at the end of the tunnel. I just want to make sure I live a life of purpose fulfillment and meaning. I do not want to die living a life following the herd.

13.06.16 Today thoughts ran through my mind that my reality is as follows. Have no job, no partner, shit relationship with my dad and sister, got no money, have no pin point direction in my career, am I becoming a loner, I realistically have 20-25  years to make it in all the above. I work on a lot of self development to make and teach myself how to become fulfilled and to live my life for a purpose so it has a legacy for me to leave behind. I also had paranoid thought's on how my sister could fuck us over that really made me feel on edge. I'm 43 years old and can't even afford much infact can't afford anything I live at home with my mum n dad sister and her two kids. This this is my reality

[Baz]

16 hours ago, Baz said:

13.06.16 Today thoughts ran through my mind that my reality is as follows. Have no job, no partner, shit relationship with my dad and sister, got no money, have no pin point direction in my career, am I becoming a loner, I realistically have 20-25  years to make it in all the above. I work on a lot of self development to make and teach myself how to become fulfilled and to live my life for a purpose so it has a legacy for me to leave behind. I also had paranoid thought's on how my sister could fuck us over that really made me feel on edge. I'm 43 years old and can't even afford much infact can't afford anything I live at home with my mum n dad sister and her two kids. This this is my reality

14.06.16 A lot can change in one day and realised to trust faith as I keep pushing forward to live to my full potential. Today I mentioned to mum that I have 10 years to make my life more meaningful purposeful financially successful find my passion and really trust forward to self actualization. Sometimes I think to myslef am I working hard enough on my self to make this happen? Am I expecting to much to soon? Am I realistic? I tell you what though meditation is most certainly a life line to align a lot of what one wants out of life.

[Baz]

On 6/14/2016 at 11:16 PM, Baz said:

14.06.16 A lot can change in one day and realised to trust faith as I keep pushing forward to live to my full potential. Today I mentioned to mum that I have 10 years to make my life more meaningful purposeful financially successful find my passion and really trust forward to self actualization. Sometimes I think to myslef am I working hard enough on my self to make this happen? Am I expecting to much to soon? Am I realistic? I tell you what though meditation is most certainly a life line to align a lot of what one wants out of life.

15.06.16 Today I felt a sence of the hard work towards working on self actualization a concrete investment for my future ahead. Most certainly it's very hard work and emotionally difficult at times its draining although having self awareness and trying to keep a concious mind does help very much. Still trying to find my passion which is a challenge to say the least. I just need to stay focused and be aware of any distractions feels like there is so much to juggle and especially as I've never ever worked on my self development at this level. Leo's dream killers videos are so amazingly helpful I urge everyone to watch them. 

[Baz]

22 hours ago, Baz said:

15.06.16 Today I felt a sence of the hard work towards working on self actualization a concrete investment for my future ahead. Most certainly it's very hard work and emotionally difficult at times its draining although having self awareness and trying to keep a concious mind does help very much. Still trying to find my passion which is a challenge to say the least. I just need to stay focused and be aware of any distractions feels like there is so much to juggle and especially as I've never ever worked on my self development at this level. Leo's dream killers videos are so amazingly helpful I urge everyone to watch them. 

16.06.16 today I spoke with some family and friends and they asked me where have I been at all the social gatherings? they said I'm no where to be seen, as in the past well, up until January this year I was always at every social get together and even more so I organized a lot of social get togethers with friends and family. I've noticed however since working on my self development I have hardly been out and about on all these social events as I feel its a major distraction and also I've done it for many many years and now feel I need to work on my circle of influence to better what I can learn from influential people. I explained this to them and luckily for me they supported me with their response. Still really find it extremely difficult to have a harmonious relationship with my sister and father. We don't argue we just are opposite paradigms and our views and principles are completely different in fact we get along better living separately. Hence I really want to work on the area of total financial independence so that I can move out. 

[Baz]

On 6/16/2016 at 9:47 PM, Baz said:

16.06.16 today I spoke with some family and friends and they asked me where have I been at all the social gatherings? they said I'm no where to be seen, as in the past well, up until January this year I was always at every social get together and even more so I organized a lot of social get togethers with friends and family. I've noticed however since working on my self development I have hardly been out and about on all these social events as I feel its a major distraction and also I've done it for many many years and now feel I need to work on my circle of influence to better what I can learn from influential people. I explained this to them and luckily for me they supported me with their response. Still really find it extremely difficult to have a harmonious relationship with my sister and father. We don't argue we just are opposite paradigms and our views and principles are completely different in fact we get along better living separately. Hence I really want to work on the area of total financial independence so that I can move out. 

17.06.16 Today was frightened about where my future is heading, it's very scary I live with my family mum dad sister and niece six years old and nephew eight years old. We have no financial security just living hand to mouth I want to move out but first and to become financially independent I'm afraid if I don't peruse my own path then I'm going to be stuck living a life of chores within my family. Don't get me wrong I love and care about them to bits however we are not a bonded family. And don't share the same vision or end goals for making us all more of a unit. Everyone pritty much does there own thing mum is the main one who trys to keep us all as close as possible to try and make sure we all don't drift apart and lead our own lives. To be brutally honest we are already doing just that it's like living with lodges the only difference is we are related. I don't want my life to be lived this way and I'm working on it for it not to be it's so fucking difficult though. I don't want a daily life whereby the clock is just ticking away until I reach my death bed. I want a meaningful purposeful life a life of fulfillment I know this is going to require exceptionally hard work on my part.

[Baz]

23 hours ago, Baz said:

17.06.16 Today was frightened about where my future is heading, it's very scary I live with my family mum dad sister and niece six years old and nephew eight years old. We have no financial security just living hand to mouth I want to move out but first and to become financially independent I'm afraid if I don't peruse my own path then I'm going to be stuck living a life of chores within my family. Don't get me wrong I love and care about them to bits however we are not a bonded family. And don't share the same vision or end goals for making us all more of a unit. Everyone pritty much does there own thing mum is the main one who trys to keep us all as close as possible to try and make sure we all don't drift apart and lead our own lives. To be brutally honest we are already doing just that it's like living with lodges the only difference is we are related. I don't want my life to be lived this way and I'm working on it for it not to be it's so fucking difficult though. I don't want a daily life whereby the clock is just ticking away until I reach my death bed. I want a meaningful purposeful life a life of fulfillment I know this is going to require exceptionally hard work on my part.

18.06.16 Today I cried ? my emotions took over and my thoughts created it, I guess all this deep self development is taking its toll. Went to visit my good friend Viral which was a delightful as always. Another friend of mine today said to me sometimes you just have to let the wave ride and go with it, he said it's absolutely amazing and most definitely worth working on ones self development however be mindful whichever self development journey you embark on be sure you don't loose your essence, your spark, basically try not to loose yourself. He said I've known you a very very long time for years I've known you and I can confidently say your a people's person you love beening around people and you love helping people be aware and mindful you don't loose that part of you. It's ironic that this was said today because I do feel I'm distancing myself a lot from friends and family I've recently realized I'm very much enjoying my own company as it gives time to focus reflect and work on myself without any distractions. I just want to make productive and successful positive nessary changes to my life. I do not want to follow the herd like I've always done and to do this and make this change requires change and I'm going to continue to implement the nessary changes into my life.

[Baz]

On 6/18/2016 at 10:39 PM, Baz said:

18.06.16 Today I cried ? my emotions took over and my thoughts created it, I guess all this deep self development is taking its toll. Went to visit my good friend Viral which was a delightful as always. Another friend of mine today said to me sometimes you just have to let the wave ride and go with it, he said it's absolutely amazing and most definitely worth working on ones self development however be mindful whichever self development journey you embark on be sure you don't loose your essence, your spark, basically try not to loose yourself. He said I've known you a very very long time for years I've known you and I can confidently say your a people's person you love beening around people and you love helping people be aware and mindful you don't loose that part of you. It's ironic that this was said today because I do feel I'm distancing myself a lot from friends and family I've recently realized I'm very much enjoying my own company as it gives time to focus reflect and work on myself without any distractions. I just want to make productive and successful positive nessary changes to my life. I do not want to follow the herd like I've always done and to do this and make this change requires change and I'm going to continue to implement the nessary changes into my life.

19.06.16 I am feeling as though I need to be more tolerant but how does one find a way to do this?

[Baz]

On 6/19/2016 at 10:45 PM, Baz said:

19.06.16 I am feeling as though I need to be more tolerant but how does one find a way to do this?

20.06.16 so many negative emotions today, just can't stop viewing my dad's and sisters faults... grrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!! And all I seem to want to do is move out. I'm trying to understand my reality but just can't accept it and fear that this situation is going to drag me down and I'm going to end up not fulfilling my life. I know nobody is picture perfect and everybody has there faults but because I'm trying to work on myself and areas that I want to improve I'm expecting others to do the same, is that feeling and thinking over ambitious it's so frustrating. A big part of me is saying moving out is the answer although I'm not financially independent yet. Or is it that I'm not able to deal with this and just want to run away from it. I love my family to bits although not to the degree of living like this. Am over analyzing it? I'm trying to make the necessary changes in my life and in doing so it's making me become further apart from my family and mainly the relationship with my dad and sister. 

[Baz]

On 6/20/2016 at 10:46 PM, Baz said:

20.06.16 so many negative emotions today, just can't stop viewing my dad's and sisters faults... grrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!! And all I seem to want to do is move out. I'm trying to understand my reality but just can't accept it and fear that this situation is going to drag me down and I'm going to end up not fulfilling my life. I know nobody is picture perfect and everybody has there faults but because I'm trying to work on myself and areas that I want to improve I'm expecting others to do the same, is that feeling and thinking over ambitious it's so frustrating. A big part of me is saying moving out is the answer although I'm not financially independent yet. Or is it that I'm not able to deal with this and just want to run away from it. I love my family to bits although not to the degree of living like this. Am over analyzing it? I'm trying to make the necessary changes in my life and in doing so it's making me become further apart from my family and mainly the relationship with my dad and sister. 

23.06.16 practicing self actualization and seeing the difference in myself is so wonderful. It's so wired even more so how I see other people and how they are and the differences of being on a hero's journey and others who don't even know a hero's journey exists. They don't even know or are aware of a self Actualized life. I'm certainly seeing the difference that's not at all to say they are worse off or bad in anyway it just came to mind today that I'm definitely seeing a shift in paragdim in myself compared to others who follow the herd because that all they know. I've got a long way to go through with my journey in self actualization.