Letting a parent go, who is still alive.

[Ann123]

I’m going to try to make this concise.

Basically, my mom has dealt with mental problems like depression and anxiety for basically all of her life. I know that it’s harder for her to do certain things than it is for me. But today we got into an argument. She told me that she started seeing her therapist once a month instead of once a week, which it was before. 

Because I want her to be happy, something which I’ve only ever witnessed for brief moments, or if I was lucky a whole day, like on Christmas, I asked her why. She said it’s because she’s getting by now. I asked her if she wants to get by or be happy. She didn’t answer, but instead we ended up in an argument.

This is not the first time we’ve had arguments about this topic. A part of me feels resentment that I know I shouldn’t feel because I’ve always felt like she could try harder than she does to be happy, if not for her, than for her children. But she’s done a better job at raising me than her mother did her. So when I think about that, I feel like I shouldn’t complain. But honestly, that’s not the only reason. I want to see her happy. Because it would make me feel good, and because that could mean that we could actually have a good relationship. (I know those reasons sound selfish, but if we’re all being honest with ourselves and take a moment to think about it, what thing that we want is not wanted for selfish reasons to some extent? Even the ones that sound selfless.)

Anyway, I’m tired of hoping she’ll want to put effort into feeling better. But I cried an smoked a cigarette after that argument for the first time in a very long time. Because it’s sad to think about leaving her behind and ceasing to care about how she feels in order to conserve my own mental energy.

So I’m here to ask what you all think of this. Have any of you experience the same, or something similar? What did you do? How do you think I should go about not being sad that my mom isn’t motivated to ever become happy. That she’s going to go through bouts of getting by and depression for the rest of her life, and I won’t ever be able to have a healthy relationship with her?

I’d really appreciate hearing your thoughts, opinions and advice.

Edited November 2, 2019 by Ann123

[Annoynymous]

How old are you?

Well i can feel what you're going through. Today i also posted about my mom and her issues...

Thing is, every person walks their own path... Even if that path do not feel good to you, you can do very little about it.

You can support your mom emotionally, but do not expect her to change overnight.

If you want her to adopt healthy lifestyle or take support, be empathaic as much as you can and tell your opinion compassionately.

If you tried that already and didn't work, then stop pushing her and be on your own and let her be on her own.

And one important thing, if you rely on others to make you happy, then you must prepare for dissatisfaction, depression and unhappiness.

You will be the one who makes yourself happy. If others make you happy, it will just be the icing on the cake. 

The most important thing is, take care of yourself. Do not let the negative energy caused by negative emotion drown you.

If you are old enough, you can move. You can go to your parents in weekends and give them your support while at the same time walking on your own path.

If you do not want to move, try meditation. It will make you calm and help you accept the situation.

All the best

Edited November 2, 2019 by Annoynymous

[SoothedByRain]

The above advice from @Annoynymous is gold.

I'm not sure how old you are, how you are mentally or the depth of your situation. I wrote out a big thing about my fucked up situation with my mother at the moment, but I don't think it is applicable to yourself or the advice you seek so I shan't post it. But here is the end summary of my advice. 

What watching my father smoke and drink himself to death taught me is that some people can't be helped. Disintegration often happens much faster than imagined and some things have to simply be observed, lived with and embraced as they are. Often you can know how to help someone, you can give them a step by step, hour by hour guide of what they need to do, and help them to understand such . . and they won't do it. Doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't try to help her. But children banging their heads against the wall in an attempt to save their parents, for an ending that was always coming is a very common happening. It is good to keep mind that this isn't rare, that it is a part of cognitive development that the "newer" "more advanced" more knowledgable mindset looks back at the older and often emotionally suffers in that process. Growing pains of a sort. Often different people grow in different ways (especially different generations) and it is okay for people to seperate, either partly, or fully. 

I don't know you, or her, but perhaps she is fine and doesn't want nor need what you want or need? I'm not saying she does or doesn't. But it is a good question one might ask themselves if they wanted to.

The first section of this lecture is a little, somewhat applicable I feel. Leo talks about a woman who doesn't fully grasp all she could be.

 

Edited November 2, 2019 by SoothedByRain

[Commodent]

Growing up, my mother was incredibly hot-tempered, miserable and toxic. I didn't love her, and I didn't even like her. Which is fine, because she treated me like a dog.

It took me a very long time to realize that though, because I thought I was the problem. I thought I was being lazy and uncooperative, and in a sense that was true, but she handled it in the worst way possible. She demonised certain parts of me, and decided to fight it with fire. I deeply resented her, something which I felt very guilty about at the time (because she was shaming me for my anger). But in retrospect, I see that my feelings were completely justified. Which has made me realize one very important thing:

Always trust your instincts.

Now, you might wonder, how did it go in the end? After moving out I started reading about dysfunctional families, something which required a quite open mind because I thought my upbringing was perfectly fine at the time. But after reading countless of books on it the depths of the abuse and neglect started dawning on me. I was, after all this time, finally reassured that my feelings were indeed valid. She would still treat me hugely disrespectful the times I visited her for vacation, so I made it very clear to her that if she did not treat me with respect I would cease to visit her. Every time she would attempt a sneaky little jab at me I would call her out and stand my ground when she accused me of "overreacting". Finally, she seemed to have gotten the point. The year that followed, she did her very best to not unleash her wrath at me, because she understood the consequences. But I could sense it wasn't authentic. Now, about a year later, it's almost as if she's a completely different person. She has been to therapy for her own traumas and now actually seems happy. She has even acknowledged that I might not have had the best upbringing, something which from my understanding is super rare to hear from dysfunctional parents. Our relationship is now the best that it has ever been.

So my advice to you is: if you feel pulled down by her weights, then it's probably a good idea to get some distance. You are not responsible for other people's happiness. Find your inner truth, and trust it.

Also, read "The Tao of Fully Feeling" by Pete Walker. It was monumental for learning to trust myself. I think you might need that. 

Edited November 2, 2019 by Commodent