The recurring theme in my relationships

[ivankiss]

People tend to get increasingly uncomfortable in my presence due to the level of acceptance I show them. 

As if they are able to accept themselves nowhere nearly as deeply and honestly. 

They do not know how to interpret or respond to the light radiating in their direction. They are not used to the space I am able to hold for them. How closely I listen. How openly I talk. How comfortable I am with silence.

I often see them struggle to maintain their facade. Terrified for their masks that are slowly being melted away just because of my presence. 

They cannot fathom my unconditional love towards them. They often suspect that there must be some kind of a hidden agenda. A twist. A nasty, selfish reason.

When there really is not. I just am as I am. Trying to connect with the truth of their being. Their hearts. Not their masks.

It's just natural to me.

Needless to say, this scenario is even more exaggerated in intimate, romantic relationships. The closer I get to them, the more chaotic it gets. It's almost as if the light burns them too much.

The end result usually being one of these:

1. They start perceiving me as their saviour and develop a strong, unhealthy attachment.

2. They become more and more insecure about themselves and contract deep into their shells. 

3. They interpret my loving kindness as weakness and see me as a child who knows nothing about the "real world".

4. They get too comfortable with my acceptance and start using me as a puppet to project onto their unconscious nastiness. Full on, no breaks. All the pilled up pain, trauma, abuse. Everything. As if they're saying: "Here. These are all the aspects I do not know how to accept about myself. Can you do it for me?" 

 

I want to be no one's hero. Or saviour. Or puppet. My intentions are always pure and heart-centered when entering the relationship. Why do they end up this way? 

Is that just simply my role? Should I... accept it? Or should I avoid getting too close to anybody?

I often stay too long in these kinds of relationships, I admit. It's exhausting. Draining.

I just long for honest, heart to heart connections. Without any pretence or toxicity. 

Anyone had similar experiences?

What am I overlooking?

What's the leason?

Edited November 1, 2019 by ivankiss

[Knock]

Sounds like you are making people uncomfortable, and people don't like being uncomfortable. 

Be more playful instead. I joke around a lot, as I like to have fun and create a 'light' atmosphere. This attracts people with high self-esteem to me and pushes those neurotic people away (sorry neurotic people!). I just don't have time/space in my environment for their baggage. 

We accept the love we believe we deserve.

Don't accept that trash anymore, you are better than that. You need the self-respect to stop them in their tracks when they become overbearing, or be comfortable to walk away. There is not enough time in the world to let neurotic parasites suck your life energy (your time).

Just think, what would Obama (or some other role model with high self esteem) do?

[LastThursday]

4 hours ago, ivankiss said:

What am I overlooking?

Everyone is broken or dysfunctional - and that's normal. If you can accept that, then don't give up on getting close to people. Love their faults as much as their perfections.

[Nickyy]

@ivankiss Like I say, most people can't do relationships.

[DrewNows]

This video may help shine some light on the subject 

 

[Ananta]

@DrewNows So, when one recognizes the part of themself they are attracted to in another,  that they have denied, rejected or pushed away, any ideas how to integrate at that point? Or do you think just be open to it and make it conscious at that point?

 

[DrewNows]

@Anna1 it’s about recognizing the attraction/infatuation and seeing it for what it is, no longer making an unconscious decision to connect from the place of need/lacking. The whole individual will no longer see just a distorted perception of the attractive mate. No more overlooking the obvious flaws or red flags, there’s a conscious choice to accept or deny (it is as if what used to trigger attraction no longer has the same affect)

the recognition is like an insight that may kill attraction in its tracks  

edit: the same could be said for things like addictions and various habits 

perhaps there’s room for selfless/true love in connection 

Edited November 2, 2019 by DrewNows

[JustThinkingAloud]

@ivankiss

I have a similar problem so this is what I do.

In social situations, I try to blend in. You don’t need to use your “shining” all the time, only when it’s necessary, useful or needed.

In my relationship, I try to help him to grow. I try not to push too much, only gently and very occasionally and sometimes a bit of tough love. It’s all about their happiness and they reward you with being happy and caring about your happiness. No attachment though, we do know that everything is temporary and it will end so we try to make the most out of what we have now. Our “now” is 18 years so things are temporary but that doesn’t mean that they have to be short lived.

Overall, we don’t have any close friends. We used to have a lot but it became too much work. We still get invitations but we only do what we feel like. When we're bored, we just go out to a club that we’re members of. Maslow’s self-actualized people have only few very close friends.

And of course, no toxic people allowed in our lives!

I hope this helps a little

[Leo Gura]

@ivankiss Just keep looking for someone who you'll get along with. Lots of different people out there. Don't fall into the myth of thinking they are all the same. There is someone out there who will appreciate what you got to offer.

Your love is a virtue, so don't doubt that. But do have some boundaries so people don't exploit you.

And also, silent love alone is not enough. You gotta work on your communication and your relationship skills. Conscious relationships take work. Issues will always arise. You gotta pre-empt them, talk them out, and clear the air on a regular basis.

If you are at stage Turquoise you need a partner up near that level. Don't be expecting a stage Blue or Orange partner to work for you. Green and up for you. Your values must be aligned. Find yourself a chick who's into yoga or something like that.

[Annoynymous]

@Leo Gura suppose i am at green and a girl whom i date is blue. Will there be prblm in our relationship?

If yes, what kind of problem can arise?

[d0ornokey]

@Annoynymous they wont understand you

I like to be seen, heard and understood  

This was my experience at least.. 

Edited November 2, 2019 by d0ornokey

[Leo Gura]

36 minutes ago, Annoynymous said:

@Leo Gura suppose i am at green and a girl whom i date is blue. Will there be prblm in our relationship?

If yes, what kind of problem can arise?

Of course. You two will be living in different realities and disagee like cats and dogs because your values will be out of alignment.

I would never date a Blue girl. It would be like oil and water. Girl's gotta be at least Green understand me.

How is a Blue girl gonna understand that I am God? That won't fly.

[Bill W]

19 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

How is a Blue girl gonna understand that I am God? That won't fly.

Yeh but it I've got this right, she will also have to accept herself as God? 

[bazera]

22 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Of course. You two will be living in different realities and disagee like cats and dogs because your values will be out of alignment.

I would never date a Blue girl. It would be like oil and water. Girl's gotta be at least Green understand me.

How is a Blue girl gonna understand that I am God? That won't fly.

What do you think, if you are interested in spirituality, pursuing enlightenment and all that, does your partner need to be on board with that? 

Why would you want her to be interested in what you are interested in? 

I kinda agree with you, but when I think about it, your own development narrows down the options of possible partners. There aren't lots of green+ girls with which you'll have your values aligned plus who you'll find attractive, are they? 

That probably heavily depends on where you live.

[Ananta]

8 hours ago, DrewNows said:

No more overlooking the obvious flaws or red flags, there’s a conscious choice to accept or deny (it is as if what used to trigger attraction no longer has the same affect)

Makes sense, thanks!

[ivankiss]

Thanks everyone. 

Those are some helpful insights. I will make use of them.

I suppose the biggest factor to me right now, is recognizing when it's time to walk away, or not get involved at all. Without feeling like I'm betraying anyone.

It's not really a relationship if one side is unable to relate. I am far away from giving up on people. I love them. But it's precisely this love that often keeps me in for too long. I tolerate too much darkness and somehow justify it all by saying: "They just don't know any better. They just need love." 

Not seeing how this eventually leads to disrespect towards myself. The one I'm really betraying is me.

[DrewNows]

@ivankiss Aww you know it brother

its a careful balance of showing up for yourself as you’re showing up for others. Become aware of that pattern in you. Notice when your focus has become too much on others

They may indeed need love but it’s not your love they need it’s self love and sometimes you gotta be the one to insure they have space to find this for themselves 

sometimes it feels wrong and uncomfortable to put yourself first but tough love / discipline is not just given to others 

[remember]

@ivankiss you know, in every relationship you can learn something from the other. your openness is probably that you also make situations more convenient for your partner and solve problems for her, what is not the wrong approach, but maybe you could realize that that what makes your relationship convenient for her also produces the problem. if someone gets too dependent it also means that you might not give enough space for her to solve problems her way, even though she might not solve it as efficiently as you do but you both would maybe even find more creative and interesting solutions. there is no relationship that can`t grow through growing the teaching factor, but if you for example think that it`s always going just one direction, could it be that you are also underevaluating what the other person gives you back? could that be one of the problems?

it`s a speculation, a question.

Edited November 2, 2019 by remember

[Annoynymous]

@ivankiss  seems like you are quite giving and open-minded in relationships.

Try practicing to receive also. When you are consistantly on the side of giving, you may ignore your own want and needs, thus creating a pattern of asymmetrical relationship.

If you don"t know what you want and need from a relationship yet, try to find it out. Then you can find & recognise a partner who will be more compatible with you.

Try to understand yourself, your level of development and try to find a person who is at/near your level. It will help you to build a harmonious and co-operative relationship.

You can search youtube channel "Teal Swan" and see her video on relationship. I find them good and helpful. Maybe those can also give you some valuable insight.

Lastly and most importantly, so much love for you, brother. Do not loose hope. I wish you all the very best

[ivankiss]

@remember That's a good point. 

I have become aware of that, yes. I am a perfect match to those people, in that sense. That is how the scenario is created. It is not one sided, for sure. I'm not trying to portrait myself as a saint. I sure contribute to the toxicity, in my own way.

It's never really about me trying to change them, or convince them to do this or that. It simply happens spontaneously, by me expressing my truth. Being myself. 

I am also well aware of the lessons these people teach me. And I am grateful for those. But somehow I still keep repeating the pattern. I keep staying when I should leave. I overlook myself.

Which is the number one lesson they're trying to teach me. I know this with my whole being. 

Getting there 

Thanks!