Right now it hurts. I'm stucked (sudden "awakening" happening)

[Javfly33]

I am totally sober right now but it just feels somebody else is typing this words not me. 

Who am I?

I just went for a walk. Took 32.5ug of acid, my usual dose for introspective, social-anxiety self inquiry since I'm trying to solve that.

But I was tired of my "stuff" I just put leo last video.

And while self inquiring about stuff, it just "clicked me" when I noticed there was something "in the back" while I am talking, having thoughts ...etc.

IT started giving the authority to this "back position" instead of the "front position" (here the one who is talking I am at the front)

Again, it feels now I "going back" to normal self. I can go back to normal self but there is THIS SADNESS INSIDE THAT I am going back to a life of chains.

 

But if God stays where it's at it is not grounded, it doesn't know where to attach itself if I stop existing.

 

And again, who the fuck is writing this words.

 

The thing is , I know I have to go back the Monday to my normal life, Tring to get a job etc.

But now I just want to let go. Well not me. IT wants to let go and it feels the right thing to. 

But it just feels it's going to pass 20 years of my life to just come back to this moment I am having right now.

[Forestluv]

It sounds like there is contrast appearing between the story of self and storyless no-self of being. It can feel like two different realities. . . I can totally relate to entering space of just being, with no "me" controlling the narrative. It sooo beautiful. And yes, there can be a deep sense of sadness when that "me" voice returns in the head. . . Yet it is a gift that this awareness is revealed. Most people live their entire life without ever becoming aware of this. 

[Javfly33]

16 minutes ago, Serotoninluv said:

It sounds like there is contrast appearing between the story of self and storyless no-self of being. It can feel like two different realities. . . I can totally relate to entering space of just being, with no "me" controlling the narrative. It sooo beautiful. And yes, there can be a deep sense of sadness when that "me" voice returns in the head. . . Yet it is a gift that this awareness is revealed. Most people live their entire life without ever becoming aware of this. 

I already had this experience 1 year ago but with less duration. It also caused a lot of sadness. You think the I needs to be purified in order to the selfless eternity finally let's go and stays in it's true place for ever?

Sometimes I m not sure if it's wise to 'pursue' this path without before having totally sorted out my life (the life of I and material stuff).

On the other hand it seems the story of "when I sort things out" is another story. Because no matter how much I accomplish in life when the IT have the opportunity to let go it's scary and it doesn't do the decision because there's no ground no whatsoever if "I" stops talking. (I is me, the one who is writing this, but maybe not my deepest ground hmf)

It seems that decision, that courage, will be of the same test of what it was today. (Right now I am accepting IT is back to my chains)

Edited November 1, 2019 by Javfly33

[Javfly33]

2 hours ago, Serotoninluv said:

It sounds like there is contrast appearing between the story of self and storyless no-self of being. It can feel like two different realities. . . I can totally relate to entering space of just being, with no "me" controlling the narrative. It sooo beautiful. And yes, there can be a deep sense of sadness when that "me" voice returns in the head. . . Yet it is a gift that this awareness is revealed. Most people live their entire life without ever becoming aware of this. 

By the way, you say you relate with this. In what stage you would say I am? Like by your words "it can feel different realities" does that mean that there's a point in where you experience the "collapse" of this two? Wtf are you serious lol? 

And I imagine to arrive there, you have to be in the state I was, not minutes of hours but days or months? 

[Forestluv]

@Javfly33 A few thoughts:

1. Low/moderate doses of psychedelics can be great for dissolving the sense of self and revealing one-ness without going into some bizarro reality. Yet keep in mind, that when the conditioned mind returns, it will want to contextualize the experience and make sense of it. The mind may create all sorts of thought stories. These can have practical value for the person/human, yet these thought stories aren't actual - they are contextualizations. The human mind has attachments/identification to a thought story of  "me". At a deeper level, there is attachment/identification to experience and feelings. Awareness of all this is a major expansion. Yet the awareness doesn't mean the underlying attachment/identification to that self dissolves. There is recognition and there is embodiment. 

2. Recognizing the illusory nature of self does not mean conditioned impulses in the mind-body will suddenly stop. A nondual realization will not cure someone's broken leg and will not stop pain impulses in the mind and body. It is the relationship to those impulses that changes. There is an energetic shift. Mentally, it may be a "game-changer" and relieve a lot of personal anxiety and neuroses. Yet conditioned neurotic impulses may still appear in the mind.

3. The human mind is conditioned to perceive duality it's entire life.  The first glimpses of nonduality will seem radical and cause a sense of instability and groundlessness. The mind might start thinking "Who am I?", "Do I even exist?", "What is the point of doing anything in life?". This can cause discomfort in the mind and body. . . I am a big proponent of following one's true desires. If the mind and body reacts with strong resistance/anxiety and says "Whoa, this is too much - we need to slow down and get our life together" - I would honor that. We don't want to traumatize the mind and body. If you were climbing Mt. Everest and the body started hyper-ventilating and went into hypothermia, we would pause and allow the body to recover. 

4. Follow your true desires.

3 hours ago, Javfly33 said:

But it just feels it's going to pass 20 years of my life to just come back to this moment I am having right now.

All there is, is this moment you are having right now. This moment is Home. The deepest human desire is to return Home to this moment. 

[Javfly33]

16 hours ago, Serotoninluv said:

@Javfly33 A few thoughts:

 

Thank you for your words, friend