Emotionally Difficult Decision

[jes]

I have to take one emotionally difficult decision , that is to go and see my father who is narcissistic and I will have to live with him for around 2 to 3 months, Last time I lived with him , he sucked life out of me, I became depressed along with anxiety , after coming back from his house, I take some therapy to get rid of PTSD and become functional again , even thinking to go his house is bringing tears in my eyes and making me anxious, I promise you guys , I am motivating myself everyday ,I meditate ,I watch leo videos, I try to figure out the other way, and I want that my toxic father should no more in my life ,I have started tonglen meditation , he is keep on manipulating my life , please some one suggest me, I am not 100 % emotional intelligent,I know the problem is ,what my brain is creating 

Let me give some details of survival in that toxic environment

1.I was writing cognitive distortion journal every day 

2.I meditate and pray every day

But after coming out from there though I survived that toxic environment, My soul was scarred , I used to burst in tears , my brain was anxious and feeling urgent.I dont want to be egocentric like him and i dont want to be defensive like him.I want to open minded and free spirit ,who wanna live the life fully even moment 

[Mal]

@jes

Hello Jes

Being able to construct a boundary around something is an extremely important life skill. 

Boundaries allow us to be able to cope with existence. 

Let me put some suggestions to you. I want you to think very carefully about these because if you apply this thinking it will help you, not just with seemingly uncaring relatives, but in all aspect of life until you reach higher levels of self awareness. 

1) You must put a boundary around time. 2-3 months is a long time, but also from the perspective of a lifetime it is a very short time span. 

2) This is an opportunity for you to learn how to cope.  Yes you feel anxious that something bad is going to happen, but you can reframe this to work in your favour.  Learning to cope with horrible people is necessary for self development and enlightenment. 

3) Nobody is forcing you to be closed or egocentric. You are free to be whoever you are. But, there are times in life when we need to ACT like somebody else to survive.  Im not an open flower when I'm dealing with a hard client at work.  I have to lock my car and house in case of thiefs.  It is a sad fact of life that there are people in this world who will take advantage of us, so this means we must adopt different  personas in different situations.  It is not forever, it is only 2-3 months, and you can cope.  If you got this far you can get through another few months. You're not fragile, you are an adaptive and resilient  human  being. 

4) Suffering is part of life.  We all suffer from time to time.  This cuts grooves into our soul and makes us deep and full of humility lest we become bitter and isolated.  You already said you will never end up like your father - I consider this a blessing and good sign that you are a spiritual warrior and can overcome anything. 

5) Find friends near your father's house.  Spend time in their presence.  Get out of the house as much as you can.  A good friend will have a family who will take you in and adopt you as a surrogate member of the family. Make and maintain friends. 

6) Keep your friends  close and your enemies closer.  Work on and manipulate your father for your own gains and saftey.  Play the game and learn how to survive in the wild.  This does not mean you are evil. It means you are smart. 

7) Keep in touch here and keep asking questions.  Were all here to help. 

 

Mal

Edited May 29, 2016 by Mal

[jes]

11 minutes ago, Mal said:

@jes

Hello Jes

Being able to construct a boundary around something is an extremely important life skill. 

Boundaries allow us to be able to cope with existence. 

Let me put some suggestions to you. I want you to think very carefully about these because if you apply this thinking it will help you, not just with seemingly uncaring relatives, but in all aspect of life until you reach higher levels of self awareness. 

1) You must put a boundary around time. 2-3 months is a long time, but also from the perspective of a lifetime it is a very short time span. 

2) This is an opportunity for you to learn how to cope.  Yes you feel anxious that something bad is going to happen, but you can reframe this to work in your favour.  Learning to cope with horrible people is necessary for self development and enlightenment. 

3) Nobody is forcing you to be closed or egocentric. You are free to be whoever you are. But, there are times in life when we need to ACT like somebody else to survive.  Im not an open flower when I'm dealing with a hard client at work.  I have to lock my car and house in case of thiefs.  It is a sad fact of life that there are people in this world who will take advantage of us, so this means we must adopt different  personas in different situations.  It is not forever, it is only 2-3 months, and you can cope.  If you got this far you can get through another few months. You're not fragile, you are an adaptive and resilient  human  being. 

4) Suffering is part of life.  We all suffer from time to time.  This cuts grooves into our soul and makes us deep and full of humility lest we become bitter and isolated.  You already said you will never end up like your father - I consider this a blessing and good sign that you are a spiritual warrior and can overcome anything. 

5) Find friends near your father's house.  Spend time in their presence.  Get out of the house as much as you can.  A good friend will have a family who will take you in and adopt you as a surrogate member of the family. Make and maintain friends. 

6) Keep your friends  close and your enemies closer.  Work on and manipulate your father for your own gains and saftey.  Play the game and learn how to survive in the wild.  This does not mean you are evil. It means you are smart. 

7) Keep in touch here and keep asking questions.  Were all here to help. 

 

Mal

thank you so much, I really find it helpful , I will keep on writing here, I would say , actualized.org is my new family. In case I cannot find new friends there , i will post here 

Lot of blessings from my side 

[Natasha]

@jes If you have to be around a narcissist, you need to learn a technique called 'grey rock'. I use it at work and in life in general, and it works great. Here's how:

P.S. And no, you won't become a narcissist by doing these techniques.

[jes]

@Mal And thank you again I am smiling and breathing fully and deeply 

[jes]

@Natasha thanks sweet

[Mal]

@jes

It's OK. Just stick at this! 

Warm regards 

Mal

[charlie2dogs]

2 hours ago, jes said:

I have to take one emotionally difficult decision , that is to go and see my father who is narcissistic and I will have to live with him for around 2 to 3 months, Last time I lived with him , he sucked life out of me, I became depressed along with anxiety , after coming back from his house, I take some therapy to get rid of PTSD and become functional again , even thinking to go his house is bringing tears in my eyes and making me anxious, I promise you guys , I am motivating myself everyday ,I meditate ,I watch leo videos, I try to figure out the other way, and I want that my toxic father should no more in my life ,I have started tonglen meditation , he is keep on manipulating my life , please some one suggest me, I am not 100 % emotional intelligent,I know the problem is ,what my brain is creating 

Let me give some details of survival in that toxic environment

1.I was writing cognitive distortion journal every day 

2.I meditate and pray every day

But after coming out from there though I survived that toxic environment, My soul was scarred , I used to burst in tears , my brain was anxious and feeling urgent.I dont want to be egocentric like him and i dont want to be defensive like him.I want to open minded and free spirit ,who wanna live the life fully even moment 

maybe you should try to see your father in a different light, find all his good points, focus on them.  If you have these kinds of feelings about him he may be picking up on your energy and most likely he isn't even aware that he is but it will have an affect on him.  I'm going to give you the hard part now, the problem isn't your father,  it is you.  see your father in the best light you can, see all the good things and instead of resistance be a friend.  you can stay away from sensitive issues when around him, its not so important that you get your view across and if you see things might go in the wrong direction simply find something you have to do and go do it, or change the topic casually, what are his interest, hobbies, what does he like to do. Based on your text you have little or no respect for your father.  If you cant do the suggestions i made don't go.

[jes]

@charlie2dogs

I agree , The problem is me, I am afraid of becoming defensive and close minded ,yes I am afraid of living with him, yes i am coward,Asking him about his hobbies and interest  etc was not working last time ,I tried to become friendly and open with him , Do you like to hear what he said me,"so you are trying to make me fool ", " I am busy you are wasting my time", "are you crazy " ," you are so stupid and immature" , I never responded back, go inside the bathroom and cry , P.s he is not the only narcissistic I am supposed to deal, His wife too . I still accept the problem is me

Edited May 29, 2016 by jes

[Mal]

@jes

Jes,

At this point the problem is not you.  It takes an incredible amount of work to realize that narcissist are just wounded people and they are ultimately harmless.  The darkness is only one side of them. 

Charlie is an enlightened being, so might not be able to fully relate to you at this point - he's probably forgotten more things than the likes of me will ever learn in a lifetime!

This does not mean to say there is not wisdom in his words.  Take his advice to heart for later on in your journey.  They will make sense later. 

There will come a time when you will be able to see all perspectives are partially true.  But that takes time and work. 

Nobody should expect you to be able to drive a ten ton lorry while you still have training wheels on your bicycle (and I mean this with the greatest respect). 

Mal

[jes]

@Mal I understand Mal, Thanks  you guys are way ahead of me in process of enlightenment ,I am recently born 22 days ago haha, Just keep sharing wisdom guys ,I feel fulfilled 

[Mal]

@jes

3 minutes ago, jes said:

@Mal .....process of enlightenment....

Oh dear jes. Were not supposed to call it "enlightenment", you know? The correct terminology is SELF REALIZATION, don'tchaknow? 

Charlie will not be pleased! ! !

[jes]

@Mal how can you expect from a nursery student  ? i even dont know alphabet of this language 

[Steven]

@Natasha nice video! yours?

[Natasha]

1 minute ago, Steven said:

@Natasha nice video! yours?

Not mine, but she has good info on narcissism and is quirky to watch  

 

[Steven]

Just now, Natasha said:

Not mine, but she has good info on narcissism and is quirky to watch  

 

I was like wow ... the whole thing dedicated to narcissism  

must have had a big impact on her life... and now she fights back!

[Natasha]

10 minutes ago, Steven said:

I was like wow ... the whole thing dedicated to narcissism  

must have had a big impact on her life... and now she fights back!

There are many good YT channels about narcissism, made by both men and women. It's a very good skill/ tool to have to be able to identify and counter-act a toxic person. Those who are not equipped to do that, will invariably and unnecessarily suffer. Knowledge is power 

[charlie2dogs]

4 hours ago, jes said:

@charlie2dogs

I agree , The problem is me, I am afraid of becoming defensive and close minded ,yes I am afraid of living with him, yes i am coward,Asking him about his hobbies and interest  etc was not working last time ,I tried to become friendly and open with him , Do you like to hear what he said me,"so you are trying to make me fool ", " I am busy you are wasting my time", "are you crazy " ," you are so stupid and immature" , I never responded back, go inside the bathroom and cry , P.s he is not the only narcissistic I am supposed to deal, His wife too . I still accept the problem is me

, Jes if it is that bad, do you have any alternatives to going there? anything, can you create an alternative.

[charlie2dogs]

4 hours ago, Mal said:

@jes

Oh dear jes. Were not supposed to call it "enlightenment", you know? The correct terminology is SELF REALIZATION, don'tchaknow? 

Charlie will not be pleased! ! !

hahahaha you are funny Mal

[Natasha]

5 hours ago, jes said:

@charlie2dogs

I agree , The problem is me, I am afraid of becoming defensive and close minded ,yes I am afraid of living with him, yes i am coward,Asking him about his hobbies and interest  etc was not working last time ,I tried to become friendly and open with him , Do you like to hear what he said me,"so you are trying to make me fool ", " I am busy you are wasting my time", "are you crazy " ," you are so stupid and immature" , I never responded back, go inside the bathroom and cry , P.s he is not the only narcissistic I am supposed to deal, His wife too . I still accept the problem is me

Yes, the problem is you refusing to say NO to your abusers. Why are you hanging around those people and feeding them your 'supply' anyway? They're only getting stronger as you're getting weaker. Go No Contact on them even if that means for you to live temporarily in a homeless shelter. Hugs