Memories

[MusicalPotato]

 

This post will sound delusional, I know I'm not crazy however, I don't think I have power because these are just perceptions. (There will be government conspiracies ahead so be prepared to deal with my delusions.) 

For a very long time, (not my entire life), I have felt like I am RELIVING certain events. The most fucked up part about this is, even if I "remember" the event before it happens, I lose the memory until the event "actually" happens again, and then I get intense deja vu AFTER THE FACT, not even during the event most times, just when I am lost in my memory thinking about it. It's like I have bits and pieces of memory about the day from months before the day occurred.

At first, I just thought about these instances like this (Okay, you just had this thing happen to you. You remember it happening BEFORE, because it literally did happen BEFORE this moment. It JUST happened, so maybe I'm actually remembering the thing that happened (because I am), there's just a problem with my memory where I have a feeling that this event occurred before the time it happened. Stop worrying about it. (This is my rationalization and believable explanation for what is happening, but I don't like to stop here, I have a strong feeling there is more going on.)

This weird quirk has given me a loss of continuity for my memories. I can definitely derive a "True Order" for how things have played out up until now, and it makes logical sense, it just doesn't help that I have these other unplaceable memories about the same events. Sometimes it is like I have 2 sets of memories for the same event, exactly the same with minor variations.

An example of this is my first 2 weeks of my senior year of high school. I have a memory of going to my first two weeks, and then when I went to my first two weeks, the memories started to line up VERBATIM. I remember getting my schedule, going to my classes, even some of the things that happened in my classes. And then it happened again. My best explanation is that the first time, I dreamt of this and forgot it. It makes sense to me because people forget their memories of dreams all the time, so the same thing could have happened to me. I do remember one thing from the dream that never happened in my reality. I was sitting in English 12, as far from the teacher's desk as possible in the first room, and I remember having a conversation in my mind where he explicitly told me "You can know the future, just not change it" and I remember responding arrogantly (this was all in my head, like telepathy or something), "We will see man, we will see". I can confidently say that this man was correct, I can't change shit because the memory of the future only comes back after the event. The first time I had the dream I rationalized acting out with the thought "This is my dream imma fuck shit up" and the second time I "dreamt" (lived it for real)", I acted out in the exact same ways and I realized that the ways I was acting were childish and not even close to fucking shit up.

Off-topic, my English teacher was trying to make a lesson about heroes in the first week, and he asked us to draw our hero. I had trouble with this, then I just drew a cat and said that "this is my hero". I pointed to the teeth "for biting" and the claws "for scratching" as it's weapons and I think the drawing was really cute, if not sarcastic. I think I was pointing out the absurdity of making us choose a hero. We should kill our heroes because our true hero is ourselves. (This vid kinda illustrates my point. 

The bleeps are genius because it shows how he could say LITERALLY ANYTHING, and it would only be okay if came from a short list of "approved professions". Why not a stripper, or drug dealer, or even school shooter? Those lives are just as valid.

 

But back to the point. I know this next part is gonna sound retarded (and it kinda is, it's just my monkey mind being paranoid, and I'm not sure I fully believe it, it's just nice to imagine things out of proportion, as long as you don't buy-in and let the imaginations rule your life.) but I sometimes feel like the government is making me relive my life and is giving me a second chance in a sort of way. I bet you $5 there is an injection they can give you to make you totally receptive to any conditioning and they use that to make me forget things, and then tell me what I should remember. We totally have the technology, it's mentioned in fiction all the time. If this is the case I have no idea how old I am because it is definitely older than 18 years. Maybe I'm already 21 and I just can't remember. The memories come back through after the event happens because they can only be suppressed, not destroyed as it's my mind they are fucking with, and mind is not material. It's actually nice in a sort of way but it makes me doubt my sanity sometimes. Back to reality though.

 

I know I've been to my sister's house before, and now I'm back, but the continuity is that this is my first time here. I hope I get to graduate this time.

 

Have any thoughts? I know it's delusion you don't have to remind me. Tell me something I don't know if you want to give some input. Have any of you had a similar experience? It would make me feel better to know that I'm not the only one. Either with telepathy or precognition. Thank for reading this text dump and have a beautiful day friends.