I am a failure

[iceprincess]

i am a 20 year old female about to turn 21 next year. growing up i was a pretty good kid, i was always seen as a generally smart kid who always got good grades and made my parents proud. I didn't party too hard expect get high on weed about once a week on friday/saturday nights after a weeks worth of studying. everyone had high hopes for me i had all A's in highschool and was entering a prestigious university for a competitive program. my weakness with school and generally everything in life was that i procrastinated a lot. it seems every year my procrastination got worse. by my first semester in university i got mostly D's and 1 A, i barely studied or went to class and just showed up to exams filling in random bubbles. The jump to university from highschool was huge in terms of workload and difficulty as well as the fact that i moved to a completely new town and knew no one. I also gained so much from overeating by the end of my first semester i was 20 pounds overweight. I felt extremely sad and lonely. I lied to my parents about my grades and figured second semester i would do better. I obviously didnt, my grades were too low and i got kicked out. i basically gave up on studying i wouldnt even bother and on my chemistry exam i didnt even bother shwoing up cause i already received my withdrawal letter. the school said that if i took a year off and did some online school and get B's i can get back in with a written letter about my issues and how i have improved. online school was ridiculously easy and barely any work compared to uni. but i still procrastinated soooo much that once again i was falling behind on everything and decided not to even write my exams because it was too late i wasnt gonna get B's to get back in uni. i am applying to enter back into uni next year and these failures have scared me enough to take online school seriously so i can get A's and get back to school but i just feeel like such a massive piece of useless shit. its not like im dumb or anything, i am so aware of the amazing potential i have. even when i barely tried in school and was getting 60's my peers were studying their asses off and getting the same marks as me.  i have turned into such a lazy slob for the last 10 months i have done nothing but stay in bed glued to my laptop and eating junk and getting fat.  not to mention i have wasted thousands of dollars of my student loan money and blew off everything. my dad is a taxi driver he cannot afford to have me impulsively spending everything. thats not even the worst part when i signed up for summer school in uni i applied for a student loan and got around 5 grand. i didnt tell my parents i got loan money so they paid for it while i blew all of that on clothes, skincare, food etc. even worse for the past 6 months i have been secretly stealing money from my parents bank account to pay off my credit card bill and my parents have no idea. i am drowing in guilt and the best way to clean my slate is to pay them back through getting a job but i cant even do that! im too scared and lazy to even start, eventually i will because my dad gave me a deadline to apply but i feel so bad. absolutely no one knows about this and i have just been pathologically lying to everyone about my life. I am not depressed and i have a huge vision for my future self but my self sabotage has escalated so much. 

can someone please give me some practical life advice or just their general thoughts about my situation and what i should do 

leo's videos have given me lots of inspiration but ive only made minor improvements, the only healthy habit ive been able to stick to is a daily 20 minute meditation i dont even brush my hair or shower everyday 

thank you for reading all of this , this is the only time i've admitted to all of this

 

[Ananta]

7 minutes ago, iceprincess said:

thank you for reading all of this , this is the only time i've admitted to all of this

I think you should tell all of this to your parents and let them help you.

[Shaun]

I don't intend to sound as if I'm making light of or belittling what you're going through but failure is not what you are, it is a thought about a situation. The first thing you can do is see failure as a story you are creating about yourself. It probably doesn't feel good so let that one go. Take actions from a mindset where ideas of failure, lazy useless, etc have been dropped. 

Edited October 31, 2019 by Shaun

[Average Investor]

Getting to the root cause of the lying and stealing will probably be very helpful. It's hard to live a life like that and be happy and motivated. 

[Average Investor]

Also, you did not mention it, but I want to make the assumption you have some sort of spending addiction or addiction to something sucking up your money. It might mostly be revolving around that. Leo has a good video on solving issues with money like that. But you would be surprised a lot of people will get into stealing from stores and stuff to fill that addiction. It might be worthwhile to talk with a therapist you could probably get one free since it sounds like you are low income a loan isn't going to matter for that most likely assuming you are in the US. But if I had to take a stab at it I would say to really try to identify the trigger around that is going to open up where a lot of these issues are coming from. Wish you well. 

[Nahm]

Imo, 20 - 25 is absolutely the roughest. 

“Come, come again. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn’t matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. Come, even if you have broken your vow a hundred times, come, come again!” -Rumi 

It used to seem to me that in this quote Rumi was speaking on behalf of a group, or an organization, saying “all are welcome here, no matter what you’ve done”. That perhaps the point is we shouldn’t judge each other, we should forgive one another, love one another - do our best to be understanding and tolerant. That maybe if you “sinned”, he wanted you to know you are welcome back at the “church” nonetheless. Maybe it was a message of leadership and acceptance. That was when I was 20 - 25. Later in life, I started seeing it differently. I believe the true message he intends, is more Halloween-ish. That there is only The One, wearing so many different personalities, so many masks, tricking & treating, loving & retreating. I feel his words reach a truth very deep within us, that we are The One, wearing so many costumes. I believe he is saying this for you ice princess. You might have a bit of a mess on your hands with your parents, but, I believe his message is just for you. It’s not ok to lie, or cheat or steal, And our feelings and the ramifications of these actions tell us so. But this, I believe he says this only for you. I hope you can hear him.  

 

[Proactive]

I am quite offended that you are disappointed about being a failure. ?.

I think you are doing great! Gratz on the failures

ehheheeheheheheh.

 

same situation. Sounds like you have a bunch of negative motivation but is unable to act upon it.

Go to library, I never get anything done at home. Or atleast have 1 dedicated study location at your home because your brain may mix up those 2 things. 

 

 

 

 

[Ananta]

12 minutes ago, Proactive said:

Go to library, I never get anything done at home. Or atleast have 1 dedicated study location at your home because your brain may mix up those 2 things. 

Studying in college and now with home care charting. I sometimes like to do it at diner-type restaurants and fast food joints. The soda keeps flowing and I like just a bit of background noise.?

[Focus Shift]

You're not a failure. I went through the worst depression of my life for six months last year. Every day I was borderline suicidal and wished my life would just end. It's strange because when the depression started a friend I hadn't hear from in years was in the exact same state. We'd comfort each other in gaming all day and watching movies. Now I'm making videos every week for my youtube channel, and I'm getting a part time job helping people who struggle with mental health and addiction. Daily meditation is a great start. Over time you'll become more conscious of the games your mind is playing on you. Fortunately, everything in life is temporary, even our misfortunes. I'm in a similar age as well and feel a bit lost some times too. You're not alone  

[ajasatya]

@iceprincess Take a break from this study s*** and go take care of yourself. Life is much more than a bunch is A's B's C's D's or whatever.

There are SEVERAL dimensions of development. Formal education is just ONE. Are you going to remember your bad grades on your deathbed? Or rather, try to imagine what will actually matter when you hit your 90's and look back at your life.

These are the fundamental questions to start with: what is happiness and how can it be achieved?

[Harikrishnan]

You are doing a great thing by meditating 20 min. This journey is long very loooong and no quick fixes will help you. And i believe you already are moving forward in this by identifying your problems and admiting it. Slowly bring journaling habbit to your life. Self love more and dont be hard on yourself. 

[Nickyy]

On 30/10/2019 at 10:59 PM, iceprincess said:

i am a 20 year old female about to turn 21 next year. growing up i was a pretty good kid, i was always seen as a generally smart kid who always got good grades and made my parents proud. I didn't party too hard expect get high on weed about once a week on friday/saturday nights after a weeks worth of studying. everyone had high hopes for me i had all A's in highschool and was entering a prestigious university for a competitive program. my weakness with school and generally everything in life was that i procrastinated a lot. it seems every year my procrastination got worse. by my first semester in university i got mostly D's and 1 A, i barely studied or went to class and just showed up to exams filling in random bubbles. The jump to university from highschool was huge in terms of workload and difficulty as well as the fact that i moved to a completely new town and knew no one. I also gained so much from overeating by the end of my first semester i was 20 pounds overweight. I felt extremely sad and lonely. I lied to my parents about my grades and figured second semester i would do better. I obviously didnt, my grades were too low and i got kicked out. i basically gave up on studying i wouldnt even bother and on my chemistry exam i didnt even bother shwoing up cause i already received my withdrawal letter. the school said that if i took a year off and did some online school and get B's i can get back in with a written letter about my issues and how i have improved. online school was ridiculously easy and barely any work compared to uni. but i still procrastinated soooo much that once again i was falling behind on everything and decided not to even write my exams because it was too late i wasnt gonna get B's to get back in uni. i am applying to enter back into uni next year and these failures have scared me enough to take online school seriously so i can get A's and get back to school but i just feeel like such a massive piece of useless shit. its not like im dumb or anything, i am so aware of the amazing potential i have. even when i barely tried in school and was getting 60's my peers were studying their asses off and getting the same marks as me.  i have turned into such a lazy slob for the last 10 months i have done nothing but stay in bed glued to my laptop and eating junk and getting fat.  not to mention i have wasted thousands of dollars of my student loan money and blew off everything. my dad is a taxi driver he cannot afford to have me impulsively spending everything. thats not even the worst part when i signed up for summer school in uni i applied for a student loan and got around 5 grand. i didnt tell my parents i got loan money so they paid for it while i blew all of that on clothes, skincare, food etc. even worse for the past 6 months i have been secretly stealing money from my parents bank account to pay off my credit card bill and my parents have no idea. i am drowing in guilt and the best way to clean my slate is to pay them back through getting a job but i cant even do that! im too scared and lazy to even start, eventually i will because my dad gave me a deadline to apply but i feel so bad. absolutely no one knows about this and i have just been pathologically lying to everyone about my life. I am not depressed and i have a huge vision for my future self but my self sabotage has escalated so much. 

can someone please give me some practical life advice or just their general thoughts about my situation and what i should do 

leo's videos have given me lots of inspiration but ive only made minor improvements, the only healthy habit ive been able to stick to is a daily 20 minute meditation i dont even brush my hair or shower everyday 

thank you for reading all of this , this is the only time i've admitted to all of this

 

Don't identify with it. Remember the instructions I left you on your other post, where I show you how to stop indentifying. Continue to express this on paper, in private. Act it out as you please and just keep observing non judgementally. Just remember to always keep a distance between yourself as the observer and the "person" who has all these apparent "problems".

 

Stay present 

[Nickyy]

@iceprincess Remember to keep it on here or only expose it you someone you trust. Don't expose this to others who can potentially shame you for it or try to change you in any way, as that influence will keep you locked in. 

Keep this to yourself, to your diary and to the forum.

Start a journal on the journal section in the forum  

[Swagala]

@iceprincess Hearing your situation made me laugh with so much joy. It's so incredible how similar my current situation is. I've seen similar posts from other 20 or 21 year olds who are going through what seems like an impossible situation. 

I believe I have no answer or advice to give you because I haven't solved my outside problems, only my inner demons. I'm thinking that sharing my own situation might help you feel not so alone and hopefully make you feel a little better in one way or another.

Throughout my public school years, elementary, middle, and high school, I was always receiving praise about how smart I was and all that. Needless to say, it got to my head and I started acting as if I didn't need to study or try hard because I was smart. I was also one of those quiet (somewhat loner) kids in school. During my junior year and throughout my senior year, I began to completely slack off and skip multiple days of school just so I could look like one of those rebellious cool kids. I had advanced classes and was taking a college course for a semester and I still managed to graduate, somehow. Now, I often get nightmares where I'm back in high school and the situation is that I'm about to fail all my classes because I was too busy being cool instead of trying my hardest.

Fast forward and it was the summer after my high school graduation. My parents and older sister were questioning me about my plans for going to college which I had none. I was more focused on enjoying my summer and playing video games. I didn't want to disappoint my parents so I went to college. I planned on majoring in Astrophysics because I thought people would see me as cool or smart (and I was always interested in science and all that jazz). Soon enough, the issue of paying my loans and tuition came around. I needed to work but the thing is I had major social anxiety and self-esteem issues. I hated how I looked, I was always overweight my whole life and have always been self-conscious about it literally every single day. So, I avoided working which meant I had unpaid loans and tuition. Also, I was totally ill prepared for college. It was a totally different ball game from high school. There were so many things required of me that I wasn't prepared for. The stress got to me and so I stopped going to my classes entirely. It was during that time when I found Actualized.org to try to heal my anxiety and depression. Instead of healing my depression and anxiety, I got sucked down into the rabbit whole of Truth. I waited until the semester was over so I could go back home and lie to my parents and older sister about how I got A's and B's and wanted to take a year off.

Months later, I had to face my life problems again. I didn't want to go back to college because I didn't see a point to it (I had no passion to study anything and I also didn't see the reason for it existentially). I didn't want to work because of my social anxiety and self-esteem. So, I decided to join the army. I was already in the process while I was depressed in college and back when I was about to graduate high school. I went through the basic training which that was the worst and the best experience of my life. I felt some pride about being a soldier and fighting for my country. But then I realized that it was just another label that the ego thrived on; the label of being a soldier and the image of someone protecting their country. Outside of the false pride I got from having the label of "soldier" I had no real desire to be in the army. I wanted to leave during basic but the people there made it impossible. I just had to go through with it. Months later, I got back home (I was in the reserves) and went to my drill. I felt no pride or anything from going to my drills. I just stopped going. Letters kept coming in about the fact that I missed my drills and that I'll be given a general discharge or whatever which will have serious consequences in my life if I don't start showing up. I still haven't to this day. You could say I'm just dumb and selfish for choosing not to show up for my drills but I genuinely didn't see the point in going- if I did see an actual reason to, I would. I saw no reason in wasting my life on something I saw no point in and did not enjoy. I suffered through those months of skipping my drills and receiving the letters. Not to mention I also had the loans and tuition that I still had to pay off. In my head, thoughts of being called a traitor, shitbag, selfish, worthless, failure, a waste, etc... kept popping up everyday. I wanted them to stop. I kept trying to defend my stance and justify my value as a human being. Thoughts of suicide came up multiple times. I even got to the point where I actually bought some pills just so I could be prepared for the day when I decide to overdose. I just wanted to reset. I felt like a total failure and felt utter shame and wanted total forgiveness and forget this whole sad life. I wanted reincarnate and hope that I don't make the same mistakes again. It was that day when I bought the pills that I realized my actual self worth. I was always stressed out about people seeing me as worthless. I saw that these were projections in my mind. "I" was the one labeling my self and calling my self worthless. I saw right through my own suffering. I also realized that if I was ever going to find true forgiveness and love, I wasn't going to find it from outside. Defending my stance and life choices were not the way to heal. Realizing that I was God and that I was at my own mercy was true healing. I realized that true forgiveness and love could only come from myself. I began to forgive myself. I began to truly love myself. Whatever anyone else says about me are completely irrelevant.

My story won't help you practically but I hope it can help you spiritually. And through spirituality, you can find authenticity and divine worth which I hope can help you face your problems head on. It's only been a week since I hit rock bottom (when I bought the pills) and found this realization so, I'm still working through it. I can say that it's genuinely helped my self-esteem. It's help me be more honest and authentic. And I feel like it's helping me to finally face my fears head on, no matter what happens.

I genuinely wish for the best for you.

This is also the first time I've admitted all of this.

[saffron]

"Maybe we'll turn it all around, cause it's not too late, it's never too late"

I feel ya m8... I never lived up to my own self image and feel it is too late sometimes...