Meditation And Unconditional Self-acceptance?

[carlo]

 

I think the consequence of being loved when you do not love yourself and you're not happy, is that you need that love to feel good. That has made me afraid that my girlfriend leave me and I spend thinking about those fears all day (literally all day). I only have three months meditating with "do nothing technique," and I do it 20 minutes every day. 

But the other day I was desperate, I had a jealous rage, inner fear and uncertainty, and I decided to sit and "do nothing" for two hours. It was hell, but I did it.

At times I felt some kind of acceptance of my jealousy, negative thoughts and that at some point the relationship could end. But I began to wonder about the meaning of life with suicidal thinking. I had a desire to cry and release the pressure with which I wear every day, but the tears would not come out. I wondered if someday I was going to wake up and not feel that burning in my heart I feel for some years. I'm just tired of trying so hard and not being able to see the pain go away. I think the main problem is my low self-esteem which I own since I can remember (I know the cause of my low self-esteem but it does not help). 

There is always a permanent emotional pain in my chest and when I meditate and do not distract me, is when I'm more aware of that. But in general I always know it's there and never goes away. 

Does "do nothing technique" help me with all this emotional suffering and my self-esteem issues? 

Is there another technique that complements or better than meditation to achieve unconditional love for myself and therefore those fears in my relationship?

[Telepresent]

Ok, everything that I am about to write is from one amateur to another.  I only speak from my own personal experience, and a lay understanding of everything I discuss below.  Please do not think of me as an expert, authority, or teacher.

I have also experienced many problems with extremely low self-esteem (and many suicidal thoughts in my early twenties), and self-hatred.  I tell you this so that you may recognise that I come from a position of a little understanding of what this kind of thinking is like.

I'm going to be honest - and I come here from a position of immense respect for the power of meditation: meditating is not enough.  Have you seen Leo's video about "what to do next after learning about enlightenment"?  If I remember correctly, he says that if you are in a difficult place in life, it may be better to deal with your immediate issues first.  I wonder if that's the case for you.

You know what's wonderful about what you've written here?  You understand.  You may not be in control of things, you may not be on top of things, but you recognise what is happening and you've come here to ask us if we can help.  That is freaking incredible, and I want you to know you should give yourself credit for that.  One of the hardest things about living surrounded by pain and fear is that you can forget that they are not the only things.  You can forget that you do not 'deserve' them.  And yet here you are!

What I am going to suggest is rather medical, but I think crucial: if you have not gone to your doctor, do so as soon as you can.  Talk to them about how you feel, what is happening in your life, and possible ways they can help.  Going to the doctor doesn't have to mean drugs or pills: it can lead to various kinds of support, groups, therapy, or even simply possible reading.  There is nothing to lose in talking to someone whose job is to help you in times like this.

The other thing I would suggest is that your thinking, right now, is hurting you.  You are at a tremendous advantage right now, because you know this too!  Believe me, being able to understand this may make all the difference - if you can recognise that your self-hating thoughts are thoughts, and not the truth, that's the difference.  But if that's hard, you don't need to fight through it on your own.  Again, there are groups.  There are forums.  There are books and communities and doctors and psychiatrists.  I found CBT (Cognative Behavioural Therapy) to be one of the most valuable things I ever did.

[Andre]

45 minutes ago, carlo said:

I know the cause of my low self-esteem

@carlo Thats a great building block. 

48 minutes ago, carlo said:

Is there another technique that complements or better than meditation to achieve unconditional love for myself and therefore those fears in my relationship?

You are OK right now.

Self Control is rooted in self-acceptance.

know that you are ok as you are. You are a human being evolved over millions of years to eat, sleep, breathe and express your self.

There is nothing inherently wrong with you, no matter what you have been told. Any personal criticism of your body or character came from someone who themselves believed the Great Lie- "I am not ok as I am"

Accept that you are ok, but also recognize that you want to grow and change as a person, and that is ok, as well.

When you accept yourself, you do not need others to accept or approve of you.

[Nathalie]

@carlo don't give up, please, I'm sure you're on your way.

If you think it may help, go to a doctor.. It's often a good solution to speak to a neutral person..

You also can care for yourself as you do for people you love. Make yourself compliments and little gifts. Smile at yourself when you see your face in the mirror Make your everyday life enjoyable as much as you can.. Do only things that you (at least) can accept.. Do everything that may show you that you are worth it.

56 minutes ago, carlo said:

There is always a permanent emotional pain in my chest and when I meditate and do not distract me, is when I'm more aware of that. But in general I always know it's there and never goes away. 

I know this as well and I can assure you that it's a really good feeling when it lessens and finally vanishes

Wish you the best..

[carlo]

@Andre

3 hours ago, Andre said:

When you accept yourself, you do not need others to accept or approve of you.

 

in a rational sense , I understand it!

but the problem is that I dont know how to do it , it's not like that " oh I need to give me love! " and all my self-esteem problems go away.

I believe meditation can be a solution , but maybe there are more options to achieve the unconditional acceptance of myself and everything that happens in my life.

@Telepresent

Man , thanks for your advice .

I tryed to go to the psychologist but it was a waste of time and money , she just asked me how I felt and she told me to be jealous was wrong and that was worrying. and I looked and thought .. really?

@MartineF

3 hours ago, MartineF said:

I know this as well and I can assure you that it's a really good feeling when it lessens and finally vanishes

 

and how you did that?, was it meditation?

thanks for the vid  , it was helful, and I am gonna said me "i love you" more often

 

the best think I ever done is to acept my depression and low self-esteem (because I always go away from it, and use a lot of things as a distraction) and be able to recognize that it can change, that life is not about depresion, that i can be happy no matter what .... but now the next step is HOW???? haha. how can I acept myself? (I never done that in my life)  does meditation help? or there is more reacourses? 

for me right now, love is just a concept.

 

Thanks to all!

[charlie2dogs]

5 hours ago, carlo said:

 

I think the consequence of being loved when you do not love yourself and you're not happy, is that you need that love to feel good. That has made me afraid that my girlfriend leave me and I spend thinking about those fears all day (literally all day). I only have three months meditating with "do nothing technique," and I do it 20 minutes every day. 

But the other day I was desperate, I had a jealous rage, inner fear and uncertainty, and I decided to sit and "do nothing" for two hours. It was hell, but I did it.

At times I felt some kind of acceptance of my jealousy, negative thoughts and that at some point the relationship could end. But I began to wonder about the meaning of life with suicidal thinking. I had a desire to cry and release the pressure with which I wear every day, but the tears would not come out. I wondered if someday I was going to wake up and not feel that burning in my heart I feel for some years. I'm just tired of trying so hard and not being able to see the pain go away. I think the main problem is my low self-esteem which I own since I can remember (I know the cause of my low self-esteem but it does not help). 

There is always a permanent emotional pain in my chest and when I meditate and do not distract me, is when I'm more aware of that. But in general I always know it's there and never goes away. 

Does "do nothing technique" help me with all this emotional suffering and my self-esteem issues? 

Is there another technique that complements or better than meditation to achieve unconditional love for myself and therefore those fears in my relationship?

human identities with egos need love, when one becomes self realized, love is a state of being, and they no longer need love from others, and since they are in a state of being of love, it cant be anything other than unconditional.  For the young and the old the humanity identity will always have lots of problems for you to concern yourself with, the only solution is to step out of the identity body and become self realized,  being of consciousness.   And i know at this point you are not ready for this but look inside more and more, the answer to your problems is there.

[carlo]

@charlie2dogs thanks dude, and how i do that? with meditation??

[charlie2dogs]

1 minute ago, carlo said:

@charlie2dogs thanks dude, and how i do that? with meditation??

forget about the idea of meditation, take some time to just be quiet and still and focus on the source of life that is possessing your body and keeping it alive, do nothing else, dont even try to spend long periods of time, short periods is enough. other times when you are more active, begin to question yourself about the life that you are,  begin to contemplate things like, how did i get here, did i exist before this body, what is this source of life within me, things like that but do it at other times and dont apply your beliefs to any of it, just be open for answers that can and will come from consciousness and will reveal much to you if you can remain open.  Stay with it for a while, just focusing on the life source within you will cause something to begin to change for you.

[Emerald]

6 hours ago, carlo said:

 

I think the consequence of being loved when you do not love yourself and you're not happy, is that you need that love to feel good. That has made me afraid that my girlfriend leave me and I spend thinking about those fears all day (literally all day). I only have three months meditating with "do nothing technique," and I do it 20 minutes every day. 

But the other day I was desperate, I had a jealous rage, inner fear and uncertainty, and I decided to sit and "do nothing" for two hours. It was hell, but I did it.

At times I felt some kind of acceptance of my jealousy, negative thoughts and that at some point the relationship could end. But I began to wonder about the meaning of life with suicidal thinking. I had a desire to cry and release the pressure with which I wear every day, but the tears would not come out. I wondered if someday I was going to wake up and not feel that burning in my heart I feel for some years. I'm just tired of trying so hard and not being able to see the pain go away. I think the main problem is my low self-esteem which I own since I can remember (I know the cause of my low self-esteem but it does not help). 

There is always a permanent emotional pain in my chest and when I meditate and do not distract me, is when I'm more aware of that. But in general I always know it's there and never goes away. 

Does "do nothing technique" help me with all this emotional suffering and my self-esteem issues? 

Is there another technique that complements or better than meditation to achieve unconditional love for myself and therefore those fears in my relationship?

Regarding the pain in your chest, there is a method that works well the many teachers (including Leo) advocate for. It is trusting that the pain has something important that needs to be communicated to you through the emotional body. You just focus on the pain and accept it as it is. Just observe the pain with full attention and mindfulness without needing it to feel better or be any different than it is. Accept the pain completely. 

So, during meditation, choose the pain in your chest as the point of focus to anchor your awareness to. So, when you find yourself getting swept away by thoughts and distractions pull your focus back to the pain in your chest. Continue to do this throughout your meditation. It is Vipassana meditation. The more you watch it with mindful acceptance and unconditional love, the more you will be able to reintegrate and heal. I call it checking your emotional email. You can't delete it until you've read it. 

[carlo]

@Emerald Wilkins

Hi! thanks for the answer, I tryed the technique you told me the first week that I started to meditate, but then I saw the do nothing video of leo and it was more effortless so I did it. 

so at the end its better Vipassana meditation than do nothing for my low self esteem issues? 

Edited May 29, 2016 by carlo

[Leo Gura]

@carlo This will require a lot of inner work. Specifically on self-esteem. See Nathaniel Branden's books (see my book list) and do all the exercises he gives you.

I am also creating a course that will show you how to reprogram your subconscious mind, and it works great on all kinds of deep self-esteem issues that are very hard to get at any other way.

Yes, meditation helps, but it's not direct enough for serious self-esteem problems.

[Andre]

@carlo I will probably go with what @Emerald Wilkins said, I have had a similar experience in my past and didnt know why the pain occurred or I knew the reason(it was from a traumatic event) but even after the event for a very long time I experienced a unbearable pain in my chest and also on my arms. I used to bite myself when that occured just to feel something else. I also experienced unvoluntary obes and sleep paralysis.(I didnt know what it was at that time and didnt understand it either).

Basically my reality was crushed because I realized that there is no meaning to life(I say this with caution, Im not saying life is useless but its like a hobby, you do it because you enjoy it and might have no particular purpose other that having fun) and that "the system" is one great big lie. I was after truth and hunted it down ferociously.

Eventually I stumbled upon Leo's vid of the truth and after that was when I had my first enlightenment experience. I experienced the so called complete state of bliss and the night after that I was driving and the social conditioning was spinning on the outside of my head(I didnt see it but I felt it and heard it). Honestly it was a very aakward/weird experience but I had a immense relief after that happened.

[Flicker_boy]

meditation can allow you to tap into a very very deep love for everything including every bit of yourself. a love that you don't have to achieve nor deserve, its already there, it was just 'overlooked'.
once recognized, it probably will make your upgrading in self-esteem become much more natural. 

[Nathalie]

7 hours ago, carlo said:

and how you did that?, was it meditation?

partly through meditation and partly through questioning my habits, points of view and observing my reactions in different situations and trying other one.. just for fun..

In my case this kind of pressure in the chest didn't disappear once for all, but rather step by step as if less chains held me and let me breath freelier. It needs time but maybe it's important in order to let all kind of mess definitively behind us..?

I'm also convinced that every step in the "right" direction is a bliss which you can feel instantly.. and perhaps the secret of happiness is hidden in every little liberation if you only apreciate them?

Even here in this forum.. There is so much love send to you, right? Take it and let it flow through you, let it give you the aliveness you need to enjoy the life in and around you

Have a wunderful day

[Mal]

@carlo

Hey carlo, 

Yes, don't try therapy unless you are unable to cope with life or have paranoid ideation.  Therapy is good, but it only installs a "healthy persona", an interface to cope - but inside the problems are still there.

I would listen to very carefully to what Charlie is telling you,  it's without doubt the best advice on this site.

Mal

P.S. - Dear Carlo,

You might find this hard to accept right now, but I assure you that if you think about this deeply it will make sense to you.  You do not have low self esteem. This is a belief, a series of thought that somebody else installed in you to explain your "situation".  

If you had never heard of the concept of low self esteem, would you be thinking this way?

You need to understand that it is the mind (thoughts) that create emotional pain. Sit for a while and look into how the words you are using shape your experience.  

Is there really any point using one concept to try to "love" another concept?

When you look at it like this, doesn't it sound rather insane?  Yet this is how most people live. Completely trapped in words.  Are you a word? Can one word love another word?

If you believe that self esteem is real, then you will have to also believe all of the other concepts related to it.  

I invite you to sit and do nothing once more.  But this observe the party in your mind.  See it for what it is - welcome it, become it and then ask if this is really the truth about yourself and about life?

How can a thought of you try to deal with emotional  pain? Disidentify from the thought of you and just notice you are not "Carlo".  Only then can you have true access to the accumulated feelings. They will arise in your awareness, you will not be involved because you are not a thought dealing with an object.  Let whatever arises in the field of who you are.  This is how to do meditation. 

-Mal

Edited May 29, 2016 by Mal

[Mal]

@carlo

As I read my previous comment I fear that it's not as comprehensive a statement as it could be in order to be as effective for you.

If you sit in meditation as "carlo", you will never be able to regulate your emotional pain.  As it is this very entity "carlo" that is causing the pain to be there.

So "do nothing", allow yourself to just arise as you are.

Then look at "carlo".  

What is he?

There is a story called "carlo"

Who is seeing this character called "carlo"?

Notice you are not identical to "carlo" the story.

Who is this watcher?  Where does this watcher reside?  

What does it feel like to be the watcher instead of "carlo the story"?

(Tip: being the watcher feels like a glow, relief, a sense of freedom from this story you originally thought you were)

Sit as this glow of awareness - the watcher of the story.  Then allow everything to arise.  It will not be pleasant, but just stay alert and embrace the feeling in your body.

This will release all the stored up material trapped inside you. 

Make this your daily practice.

-Mal

[Emerald]

11 hours ago, carlo said:

@Emerald Wilkins

Hi! thanks for the answer, I tryed the technique you told me the first week that I started to meditate, but then I saw the do nothing video of leo and it was more effortless so I did it. 

so at the end its better Vipassana meditation than do nothing for my low self esteem issues? 

I'm not 100% sure which one would work better. I think the "do nothing" would work because your psyche is basically like a self-correcting mechanism. If you don't get in the way, everything naturally moves back toward its most natural state. So, simply watching and not intervening can help in this way. 

Vipassana would work for the reason that I mentioned above because you're actually able to accept and be mindful of your emotions as they occur in your reality. Vipassana is also called insight meditation because it helps you access insights by focusing on reality as it is. 

[carlo]

@Leo Gura

Hi leo, thanks for all the personal advice, I really appreciate it . I will read the six pillars of self esteem at first. 

I thought that the rude cause of the problems in my life was happening by my low self-steem, but if I look more deep, there is no self esteem Issues if there is no self .. so, does the "self  Inquiry" work will help me with this self esteem issues, or must i first solve my self esteem issues and then kill the ego?  

I was putting off the enlightenment work because I thought that first I needed to solve my problems of self-esteem. but if the enlightenment work helps me with these , I 'll start today.

@Emerald Wilkins I did it today and it felt like gradually the pain was expanding and by moments it disappears , thanks a lot!

@Mal that is self inquiry right? thanks for that, dude

 

@Lorenzo Engel @MartineF @Andre @charlie2dogs @Telepresent

thanks all  I have made the commitment to be happy and self caring in life!

[Emerald]

Just now, carlo said:

@Emerald Wilkins I did it today and it felt like gradually the pain was expanding and by moments it disappears , thanks a lot!

You're welcome. I'm glad that it was helpful.  

 

Just now, carlo said:

I thought that the rude cause of the problems in my life was happening by my low self-steem, but if I look more deep, there is no self esteem Issues if there is no self .. so, does the "self  Inquiry" work will help me with this self esteem issues, or must i first solve my self esteem issues and then kill the ego?  

I was putting off the enlightenment work because I thought that first I needed to solve my problems of self-esteem. but if the enlightenment work helps me with these , I 'll start today.

The reason why self-esteem problems come up in the first place is because of various ego protections that happen to conflict with one another. The ego isn't a real thing itself. So, it can't be killed, it can only be seen through. It is the difference between ego repression and ego transcendence. The ego is nothing more than a large collection of thoughts and beliefs organized around and connected to a single false belief, that you are a separate person from everything else in existence. Without this central "I" thought, all of the other thoughts within the collection of thoughts called ego become completely impersonal. 

So, thoughts that now catalyze feeling of low self-worth, now mean nothing about a separate self. So, these thoughts carry no personalized emotional charge. You can accept your traits as they are. Your thoughts about "you" can't harm you psychologically because there is no separate self to harm. 

So, I wouldn't wait on the enlightenment work. The more you work on it, the less charge your negative self-talk will have. But there are methods for questioning negative self-talk and replacing those beliefs about the self with more positive ones. So, you can do the enlightenment work along with the self-esteem work. But as you do the self-esteem work, keep in mind that your positive thoughts about yourself are just as illusory as the negative thoughts about yourself. 

[Mal]

9 minutes ago, Emerald Wilkins said:

The ego isn't a real thing itself. So, it can't be killed, it can only be seen through. It is the difference between ego repression and ego

Thank you