Tips For Overcoming Social Anxiety

[electroBeam]

Hi, I'm a 19 year old individual who has been dealing with shyness and social anxiety for as long as i can remember, and have been trying to deal with it for about 6 years now, and have had no real success. 

 

I am naturally an awkward person, who have views and opinions that are not normal, an this tends reduce my ability to hold rapport/a connection with other people easily. I have been bullied in the past; involving being embarrassed, excluded, excessively teased, physically assaulted, and other things which unfortunately affect my thinking patterns today. While I haven't noticed this before, my fear that the past will become a reality again(my negative experiences) are holding me back from self actualizing, and solving this problem in the first place.

I wish to freely and confidently speak and socialize to other people without thinking the following:

- I'm really nerdy, they aren't going to like me, why am I even talking to them

- Oh no, his/her facial expressions just changed to a frown, does that mean he is judging me? Or thinking that I am weird

- Oh no she isn't smiling anymore, is she finding me boring?

- I don't know what to say to this person, no I can't talk about what I find interesting, I'm nerdy, he/she is going to judge me for it, then I will be embarrassed, I hate embarrassment, I remember it from high school, I can't go back to that.

 - Oh no I can't say that, that will make the convo awkward

- Oh wow I'm being so boring because I don't know what to say.

- Oh no don't say anything stupid! Remember what happened last time you did that? you got kicked out of your friends group, and had no one to talk to at lunch times

I hate socializing. Its a very painful experience for me, and has been for at least since I was in primary school. I have had some good experiences with 1 or 2 close friends, but really I don't find it fun, because of how badly I judge myself and psychoanalyze the other person I am talking to. I do push myself(and have been for a while) to go out there and talk to others, but my mind is paralyzed with all of the negativity that it makes up on the spot. I can't seem to shake this.

How do I break out of this? When you go up to talk to someone, and you can't think of anything funny to say, or the conversation becomes awkward, or you screw up some how, how do you train yourself to not beat up yourself, and decrease you self esteem to the point that you find it even harder to get out and socialize the second time?

What are some ways to become confident? I have tried sentence stems, visualizations, but no luck on anything else.

What are some ways to actually become more interesting?

 

Thankyou

[Sri McDonald Trump Maharaj]

Meditate for houndreds of thousands of hours until your sense of self dissapears. Then there won't be a sense of self left so who the fuck has social anexiety? If that dosn't sound interessting then I would suggest that you watch Leos video called "How You Lie".

[Mal]

@electroBeam @electroBeam

Hi electrobeam,

I don't want to come across cold and uncaring here, but have you actually watched any of Leo's videos?

Watch the videos first and then come with questions about any sticking points. 

Take responsibility for your life.

Mal

 

[Huz]

I have been in similar situations.The things that have worked for me are mediation as this creates a mind shift which is detachment from outcome. So basically begin not caring what happens to you in the social situations and wont care if people embarrass you. Things will start to bounce of you. So develop a mediation habit. Also, I have started contemplation and introspection in front of a mirror. Its basically like you are you own therapist. This has been hugely comforting for me because I give myself self assurance that I have got my back no matter what. I ask deep questions to myself, and then speeches just come out without thinking of why sub consciously you feel that way. It makes you aware of the root of your problems. Go in nature and just talk to yourself. You get to know yourself on a deeper level. Also, I would hugely urge you to be honest at all cost. This was the number one root of my social anxiety. And keep loving your self constantly. Be ok with you mistakes and just accept yourself. If you don't, no one else will!!

[Huz]

also don't expect yourself to cure it over night. It is a long process. You will get to the stage where you are shy but this time perfectly ok with it. Then you can slowly build from there.

All the problems are not due to the bullies and the external world. They are down to you. You are creating the problem which is making you afraid that the past incidents in your life will occur again. The bullies aren't the issue, it is your mind. Defiantly start a meditation practice to see this. Cut the victim mentality out and take 100% responsibility. When i started this, shifts began to occur within me.

Edited May 28, 2016 by Huz88

[Corte]

Become more interesting by not trying to be interesting.

Become funny by not desiring people to laugh at you. 

Become confident by not giving up control of your self-esteem to the people around you.

People who don't like you will pass by.

People who enjoy you for doing the above, will stay.

Connections with the people who stay will be free, effortless, judgement-less 

 

[Nathalie]

@electroBeam first  of all, love yourself .. It doesn't seem that you do.. So how can you expect others to do if you signalize you aren't "lovable"?

So, concentrate in your "positive sides", make honest compliments to yourself whenever it fits and forgive yourself each time you think you've made an error.. Because it's ok.. It's always ok, take care for yourself as a good mother would for her child. Don't punish but take yourself in the arms, whenever you need it.

Meditation helps a lot to recognize your inner self (that not differs from the others) and you will socialize naturally, without any efforts, even without trying to

=> because if you love and forgive yourself, you will also love and forgive the others and they will too..

Nobody is perfect and people who try to always fail and become boring..

Make so much mistake you can, learn to laugh about them, don't take it seriously and enjoy your life

[electroBeam]

@Mal I've watch 3/4 of his videos.

This might come as a suprise to you, but with all due respect, Leo isnt the god of the universe, with advice that works with everyone.

If I apply exactly what Leo tells us to do, and be authentic, and not care what others think because they are 'figments of peoples'' imagination(which arguments don't help the irrational mind anyway), I will be ostracised in the same way I was in the past.... that doesn't help.

In fact for the last 6 months I have been following that exact advice, and using visualizations to support me, and what is the result of me being authentic and sticking up for myself? Being kicked out of 2 clubs, because the certain individuals didn't like my opinion.

This actually cut off opportunites to socialize with other people

I've read 'how to win friends and influence people' and apply those techniques every day, and suddely after watching Leo's video back in august 2 years ago, I find out that his approach to life is nearly the opposite to what is in that book. 

Let me know how you go when you have a boss that's an ass, but your going to be authentic because Leo told you to  and get fired because the boss doesn't welcome other opinions...

Edited May 29, 2016 by electroBeam

[Mal]

@electroBeam

Hi there...

I'd like to suggest that you look into self inquiry and learn to take 100% responsibility for your perceptions.  They are yours, nobody else's.

This is authenticity.

Warm Regards 

Mal

[Consept]

Hi @electroBeam , I get what you're saying it can be difficult to apply the spiritual stuff of basically 'just be authentic' when you're going through something like social anxiety. Although meditation and things will help. Anyway it's something I've been through especially when I was your age so I made a video about it a few months ago that I hope might help you- YT anxiety vid

[Huz]

with self inquiry expect your problems to exacerbate occasionally. Do not judge it but accept it. It is because with self inquiry you unravel the layers of the ego, but it likes to fight back. Don't resist this but acknowledge the power within it because it is very powerful and has been able to control you life up until now, and no "spiritual" remedy can stop it in its wake. I got this from Matt Khan. Here is the video. I very much recommend you watch it!! 

 

[Mal]

@electroBeam

Tips for self-inquiry:

Watch your ego (mind), notice all of it's contradictory and insane ways.

Then ask yourself if this is who you want to be.  Do you really want to continue to play this game of suffering one more day?

Hopefully you will then notice the warm glow of awareness of disidentification from this entity called "you".  

Then just let whatever arises in the body and mind be there.  Watch it without getting involved - it is all the beliefs and anxiety coming to the surface to be healed.

Don't over-complicate this.  Just stop pretending you are "electroBeam" and identify instead with who you really are.

[Mal]

21 hours ago, electroBeam said:

Hi, I'm a 19 year old individual who has been dealing with shyness and social anxiety for as long as i can remember, and have been trying to deal with it for about 6 years now, and have had no real success. 

 

I am naturally an awkward person, who have views and opinions that are not normal, an this tends reduce my ability to hold rapport/a connection with other people easily. I have been bullied in the past; involving being embarrassed, excluded, excessively teased, physically assaulted, and other things which unfortunately affect my thinking patterns today. While I haven't noticed this before, my fear that the past will become a reality again(my negative experiences) are holding me back from self actualizing, and solving this problem in the first place.

I wish to freely and confidently speak and socialize to other people without thinking the following:

- I'm really nerdy, they aren't going to like me, why am I even talking to them

- Oh no, his/her facial expressions just changed to a frown, does that mean he is judging me? Or thinking that I am weird

- Oh no she isn't smiling anymore, is she finding me boring?

- I don't know what to say to this person, no I can't talk about what I find interesting, I'm nerdy, he/she is going to judge me for it, then I will be embarrassed, I hate embarrassment, I remember it from high school, I can't go back to that.

 - Oh no I can't say that, that will make the convo awkward

- Oh wow I'm being so boring because I don't know what to say.

- Oh no don't say anything stupid! Remember what happened last time you did that? you got kicked out of your friends group, and had no one to talk to at lunch times

I hate socializing. Its a very painful experience for me, and has been for at least since I was in primary school. I have had some good experiences with 1 or 2 close friends, but really I don't find it fun, because of how badly I judge myself and psychoanalyze the other person I am talking to. I do push myself(and have been for a while) to go out there and talk to others, but my mind is paralyzed with all of the negativity that it makes up on the spot. I can't seem to shake this.

How do I break out of this? When you go up to talk to someone, and you can't think of anything funny to say, or the conversation becomes awkward, or you screw up some how, how do you train yourself to not beat up yourself, and decrease you self esteem to the point that you find it even harder to get out and socialize the second time?

What are some ways to become confident? I have tried sentence stems, visualizations, but no luck on anything else.

What are some ways to actually become more interesting?

 

Thankyou

@Mal

Electrobeam,

I want to give you some more advice -

You don't know this right now, you are trying to fix your self image.  

The reason I attached your words is for you to take a good look at what is going on in your thinking. 

This is your ego.  You are not your ego.  The ego can never be confident or any of the things you want it to be. 

So give up trying to improve something that isn't real. 

Once you do self inquiry you will be able to tell the difference between the real man you are and this boy you have made up in your mind. 

You will discover that you do not need to become anything else to be all those things you desire. You will forget about approval because it won't be important.  The only thing that will be important to you is living your bodies purpose.  

Currently you have all these ideas that others have installed in you, and you imagine these are who you are.  This is the insanity I'm speaking of. 

See through this and you will find your authentic self (the one you look at in the mirror every day).

This will not make sense to you right now.  But you will know if you forget about this self image and concentrate on cultivating the witness.

Regards 

Mal

[electroBeam]

@Mal Thankyou Mal for the good advice, I kind of know what you are talking about because I've been practicing neti neti for 1 hour per day for the last 3 weeks or so. 

Even though I have an intuitive sense that trying to seek approval is building up a complete fiction in my mind, that doesn't stop my ego from causing negative emotions lol! So I urgently need a way to control it/distance myself from the feelings.

I have dreams of becoming successful in my business, and I know that people skills are required for it, so it would be beneficial to have techniques to improve those. That's really what my questions are aiming at, gaining those. Sure 'I'(or maybe more accurately, pain occurs in experience) feel a lot of pain talking to people, bloody ego is broken! But the concern is more to do with the anxiety preventing myself being able to communicate effectively and grow EQ to start a business.

 

I strongly appreciate your advice, and will continue to look at your posts to direct me, but I am autistic, I need to find a way to develop people skills, and unfortunately meditation cannot give that to me

Edited May 30, 2016 by electroBeam

[Mal]

@electroBeam Ok, I didn't realize you had autism.  I'm no expert on this subject, maybe for extreme anxiety and unawareness of interpersonal skills I would look into group therapy.  It will be tough, but if you're serious it will help you. 

Maybe the self inquiry isn't for you at this point?

Mal

[wonderman26]

personally I use to have social anxiety myself and I went to get treatment at a local university where they where doing a studies on social anxiety there by if i join in I get the free treatment. To tell you this the treatment was really hard, it wasn't easy especially if you have serious social anxiety. Since my lvl of anxiety wasn't that high I was able to get through with the treatment. I would suggest seeking a psychologist or therapy which were most of my treatment come from. if you don't have any money then look online to see if there were any sort of social anxiety studies being done nearby your area. I did it just by googling it one day and I can tell you that It was interesting but there were the good and bad side of it. Joining this study actually self improve myself which now I can talk to anyone, I have gotten my college degree, and I found myself a girlfriend

[wonderman26]

listen to my advice im sure it will help you 

[JustinS]

Let's see, I was kind of on the same boat as you at that age. Here are some things that have helped me along my journey that may come to service for you.

- Meditation everyday to calm the mind chatter (neg. thoughts/self doubt/self consciousness)

- Learning to relax by slow conscious breathing as much as I can throughout the day.

- Get full body massages every other week. Thai massage in particular. This helps relax the mind and this relaxed place is a good reminder of where you want to be at most of the time. Getting used to letting go, being touched, and accepting oneself. 

- Exercising! Runner's high and muscle gain = confidence! 

- Quit people pleasing! Go your own way, and do it your own way. Just don't hurt anyone. Takes practice.

- Start doing things by yourself; eating at a diner, watching a movie, going to the park. Be comfortable by yourself.

- Go to meetups at Meetups.com with whatever your favorite things you love to do. This way you can talk endlessly and confidently about whatever you're into and therefore there is always something to talk about. Same interested = easy flow

Hope some stuff here helps you. It has helped me a lot! 

Best