How can I quit my dysfunctional relationship?

[syhoang]

Hello actualizer!

My girlfriend and I have been dating for over 10 months. Before dating me, my girlfriend already had another boyfriend that as she said it couldn't last for long-term relationship. So, I thought she was ready for a new relationship with me as she said she would quit the old relationship. 

But, as we were falling in love and spending more time together, I noticed she still texted with her ex-boyfriend.

She often lied her parents for going out with me (that she said she was home while actually we were going out). 

And also, she lied me 2 times that she already broke up with her ex-boyfriend but the truth is she was not. After the second lie, she already told her ex that she don't want to continue and quit, but somehow now she's still texting her ex and still loving her ex.

She spends more time for me than her ex. Her ex-boyfriend only texts and rarely going out together.

And now, this is the third one she lied to me. For now, I already said her that we break up and can't never fix this relationship. But she still wants me to be her friend and meet each other to chat as a friend.

I really confuse about how to deal with her now.

Should I quit her totally or this relationship still has hope for fixing it?

Really appreciate for your answer!

 

[Gili Trawangan]

It's over.

Don't settle for less than you deserve, lying repeatedly should be an immediate deal breaker.

I would be running for the hills. No friends no nothing, goodbye.

[kira]

@syhoang  do what you have to do to find closure. whatever its talking to her and telling her is over and that you dont want to talk to her anymore. delete her phone number and all of her personal information. the best you can do is  shut that door. you deserve more

and besides a relationship like that is only goint to bring missery in the long run. it already began with lying and cheating. and that right at the begining of the relationship. it says a lot

i understand that when one is in love , the last thing they want to here is that they need to walk away from that person. i totally get it !!! i am talking out of personal experince.

good luck mate

[ajasatya]

@syhoang Mate, have at least some self-respect.

Everyone has to learn how to mitigate their own confusion. Let her alone.

[syhoang]

@ajasatya

11 minutes ago, ajasatya said:

@syhoang Mate, have at least some self-respect.

Everyone has to learn how to mitigate their own confusion. Let her alone.

Do you mean I rather should give her space to choose? 

[syhoang]

1 hour ago, kira said:

@syhoang  do what you have to do to find closure. whatever its talking to her and telling her is over and that you dont want to talk to her anymore. delete her phone number and all of her personal information. the best you can do is  shut that door. you deserve more

and besides a relationship like that is only goint to bring missery in the long run. it already began with lying and cheating. and that right at the begining of the relationship. it says a lot

i understand that when one is in love , the last thing they want to here is that they need to walk away from that person. i totally get it !!! i am talking out of personal experince.

good luck mate

I think I will quit her like you saying. But should I really delete all memories and contacts about her?

[syhoang]

3 hours ago, Gili Trawangan said:

It's over.

Don't settle for less than you deserve, lying repeatedly should be an immediate deal breaker.

I would be running for the hills. No friends no nothing, goodbye.

Leo once said like you...

Thanks for your opinion!

[ajasatya]

1 hour ago, syhoang said:

@ajasatya

Do you mean I rather should give her space to choose? 

No. If you do that she will probably choose to stay attached to you due to fear/insecurities issues.

I mean give her (and you) space to be alone. Work on yourself and try to find someone more mature.

[Hello from Russia]

Just ditch her. You look pretty young, I assume she must be pretty young too, no point to chase some immature girl who thinks with her vagina and not with her heart, think about opportunity cost

Edited October 30, 2019 by Hello from Russia

[Forestluv]

14 hours ago, syhoang said:

For now, I already said her that we break up and can't never fix this relationship. But she still wants me to be her friend and meet each other to chat as a friend.

I really confuse about how to deal with her now.

Should I quit her totally or this relationship still has hope for fixing it?

Notice how you said "For now, I already said that we break up and can't never fix this relationship". The *For now* suggests that you are not yet done for good. There is still a door open that maybe sometime in the future and it can be fixed. There is nothing wrong with that, just be aware.

If you are really done with the relationship and there is zero hope of fixing it, then the questions that remain are "Do you want to be friends with her?" and "Can the two of you be friends?". . . After breakups, it is super common for a couple to want to remain as friends. Most of my relationships have ended with "let's be friends". This can allow a more amicable, gentle breakup. Yet it is rare to actually remain as friends. There is just two much history and emotions involved. . . What would friends look like for now? Would you go for lunch together and talk about her new boyfriend and you no longer have sex together? Are you really ok with that? Would she be ok with that? I imagine not.

I have stayed friends with exes with one key: after the breakup, we decide to have zero contact for three months. This distance allows feelings to dissolve. Then after three months of no contact, we see if we are still interested in being friends. Usually, we both move on and don't want to stay in contact - or we might text once a month or so. A couple times, I've stayed friends and we do things together (e.g. going to a concert together). Yet importantly, the sexual/relationship energy has dissolved. If it hasn't then I ask that we go another three months with no contact and see again if there is interest in being friends. . . Yet I don't think there is any way to immediately switch from sexual/relationship mode to just friends - there is too much sexual/relationship energy still present. 

[syhoang]

 

11 hours ago, Hello from Russia said:

no point to chase some immature girl who thinks with her vagina and not with her heart

@Hello from Russia So, you mean loving is about heart and not something else? And she's loving me because of her sexual need?