A bad trip on a simple meditation practice ?

[billytblack]

Two days ago, I had the most profound experience so far in my spiritual quest. Briefly put, for a whole 7-8hours it seemed as if I got it all. It was so unpleasant to know. There is no me, I don't exist, this voice is not real, this body is not me, the air and everything else is the same as nothing. I am nothing.

For hours I was alone in my bed, shaking with fear. My body would go from shivering cold and then suddenly everything would get super warm and full of terror. I can still hear my heart pounding in my chest, my spine being feeling weird and stuck. I was trying so hard to get lost in my mind again, to get back to the illusion as this was unbearable. I was trying to surrender, to let it go. I'm not sure what happened still.

I never had a bad trip on psychedelic so I don't know how to compare my experience. It just felt like I was dying.. and not like physically dying.. even worst. I'm fine now, but damn that was so scary.. even so that the only option seemed almost to actually die; to put an end to the suffering.

I didn't quite believe Leo when I watched one of his latest videos on 'The dangers of spiritial work'. Or rather I did not think it could be that bad. But now it makes me rethink the whole thing. All I ever wanted was to find peace of mind, to be happy. Maybe going towards knowing the TRUTH is not what I really want.. or I'm maybe just not ready yet.  

Anyway,
Be careful people

[TrynaBeTurquoise]

This is a sign of growth, a paradigm shift. It means you really felt deeply these existential insights and of course your ego is going to battle against these things. These raw emotional energies being released is you processing what you know and beginning to integrate it. Beyond the fear of difficult experiences like these is bliss and the next chapter of your life beginning to unfold. 

[JoshuaBell]

I’m not sure about the exact context of your trip, but I can speculate that your body and mind were being purified, and you probably couldn’t handle it. The psychedelic was probably trying to cleanse you of all the blockages in your body that happened to be a core of your identity. Again I have no idea how your trip actually went - just speculation. Also it’s possible that the psychedelic you consumed was not good meaning it had corroded or wasn’t pure. Chances are, it’s the first possibility. You probably were fighting the experience, “trying to get back to the illusion” as you say. 

Here’s a nugget of perspective for you: You can be grateful that the trip’s over, right?  in fact it might help you to just look up at the sky, close your eyes, touch your thumb to your index finger, feel your heart beat, and say, “Thank you.” Say it multiple fucking times if you have to.

As for the future of your path:

You are doing great! This is perfect. For some reason for me at least, once you go across the threshold of death, there is no desire to go back. In fact the desire to go back only comes back as a form of temptation. A wishful wanting to go back to living in unconsciousness.

It’s much more productive and conducive to a healthy life to live from Truth or Nothingness rather than chase meaningless phantoms.

The fear, anxiety, sadness, and depression - all of it temporary. Meaningless as well. In fact you might come to eventually enjoy the life threatening states this work will induce in you, much like a passing cloud on a clear sunny day. Keep a wide perspective on life. Focus on details only when necessary to confer Truth to your fellow human beings. Don’t get caught up in bullshit, ESPECIALLY YOUR OWN! Or mine in this case

Eventually you’ll get to a point where it feels like reality is breaking down and while your mind is going crazy and trying to cling onto whatever it can, there is a deeper, more silent understanding and satisfaction that you get from doing this work.

The best thing you can do now is to stay really fucking vigilant. Watch out for self deception and ego traps.
 

You’re on the right path, just stay the course. Trust that things will work out, just like you trust your legs to work (if you have legs at least. For all I know you could be a wild intelligent octopus with access to a computer and is trying to self actualize). You don’t think, “OKAY HOW DO I TRUST MY LEGS TO WORK? FUCKKKKK!!!” *anxiety attack* lol.... No you simply just let your trust, “take over.” No need to overthink this. It’s as simple as it sounds.

Your thoughts are like travelers passing through a toll booth. They move, you are still. You are that toll booth and the guy operating that toll booth. So you can waste time and be a dick to those travelers or you can just let them pass on thru and have no worries about them. Sometimes the same thought (or traveler in this analogy) will show up twice or three times even after you let them go. Just keep the faith, hold the knowing that you’re the toll booth guy, and not the travelers passing through. 

It’s a silent faith that keeps you going. Start meditating or investing time into a spiritual practice if you haven’t already. Ground yourself with a solid foundation. Do some meditation, yoga, etc. tons of resources out there to get started. No excuse not to be doing this. 

 

Edited October 30, 2019 by JoshuaBell

[billytblack]

Thanks. I wasn't clear of the context it's true. I had not consumed any drugs that day, and that's probably why I freaked out. Usually on psychedelics I can always write a note to remind me that it will be ok, it's just a drug trip.

Basically I was being in the moment as much as I could and then I suddenly had an urge to watch a certain part of Eckhart Tolle's speech, which is weird because I hadn't been into his lectures for months. And everything just clicked when he started talking. I just got into this weird state for hours. But I guess you're right; I must stay vigilant of ego's tactics and get more experienced with this process.

[nightrider1435]

That existential fear is really something, you don't realize how bad it is until it's happening. Spiritual dangers are very real real and should not be taken lightly, I was so damn navie of this in the beginning of my path. The turtle wins the race.

[billytblack]

@Nickyy Yeah I think you are right. I recall just being there, thoughts barely noticeable and detached from the body. Probably the mind freaked out and got into this 'nothingness loop of thinking'. Anyway, I need to be careful with this if I don't wanna loose control and do stupid things while going through with the process liberation.