How can I show my friend that she is in a toxic relationship?

[Enizeo]

Hey Actualizers,

One of my friends is suffering from a toxic relationship. The guy seems really unconscious and is projecting his insecurities onto her (going through her phone, extreme jealousy, making her feel guilty and so forth).

I tried to ask her wether she wouldn't be better off without him longterm, but she is not open to the idea (yet). Says he's the only one and so on.

How would you handle the situation? Is there a way I could help her realize that she is being abused or is it just a process that she must go through until she is ready? Thanks

[Spiral]

People make mistakes, yes it sucks but they learn from them. You have made your thoughts clear and that’s all you should do. She will have to suffer enough until she realises his unsuitability herself.  By taking drastic action you do her a disservice. 

[Leo Gura]

Some things can only be learned the hard way.

A closed mind cannot be changed until it decides to open up by suffering the consequences of its closedness.

Convincing a girl to leave a guy who's not right for her is like trying to discuss Greek philosophy with a mule. None of your logic matters.

[Annoynymous]

@Leo Gura so according to you, what should one do if that's the case?should one just keep silence and let the girl face what is seemingly "inevitable"? 

[Leo Gura]

@Annoynymous Generally speaking it's best not to give advice to people unless they ask for it.

[Tetcher]

On 10/28/2019 at 0:46 PM, Enizeo said:

Hey Actualizers,

One of my friends is suffering from a toxic relationship. The guy seems really unconscious and is projecting his insecurities onto her (going through her phone, extreme jealousy, making her feel guilty and so forth).

I tried to ask her wether she wouldn't be better off without him longterm, but she is not open to the idea (yet). Says he's the only one and so on.

How would you handle the situation? Is there a way I could help her realize that she is being abused or is it just a process that she must go through until she is ready? Thanks

Maybe you can become friend with her boyfriend and help them heal their relationship ?

[Markjones51]

Getting a person out of that thought is very complicated, but the best thing you can do is constantly show it to him, maybe he can change his way of thinking soon.

[Ananta]

On 10/28/2019 at 8:46 AM, Enizeo said:

I tried to ask her wether she wouldn't be better off without him longterm, but she is not open to the idea (yet). Says he's the only one and so on.

Careful, because you could actually push her closer to him. Seems counterintuitive, but it happens.

[Gili Trawangan]

On 10/28/2019 at 7:46 PM, Enizeo said:

The guy seems really unconscious

I don't understand how everyone here just assumed that he is bad for her. You yourself admit that he SEEMS unconscious. Yet she says he's the only one. Could it be that she is right and you are wrong?

The example you give is jealousy. A lot of people are jealous, it's not an easy emotion to get rid of. Maybe your friend is just fine and you should just let it be.

[Enizeo]

Thank you for your advice! What I have done so far is mainly just being there for her, listening and giving her a hug. I already suspected that she would have to work this through on her own and you guys seem to share that opinion. 

 

6 hours ago, Gili Trawangan said:

I don't understand how everyone here just assumed that he is bad for her. You yourself admit that he SEEMS unconscious. Yet she says he's the only one. Could it be that she is right and you are wrong?

The example you give is jealousy. A lot of people are jealous, it's not an easy emotion to get rid of. Maybe your friend is just fine and you should just let it be.

I don't know him personally, so I definitely can't rule out that possibility. However, I see her crying and generally suffering.

I'm also not claiming that he is a bad person or anything. From what she tells me, it seems like he also just experienced some difficulties in the past and this is his way of dealing with his insecurities.

 

In the end, I'm still trying to understand the exact dynamics of abusive relationships. Lots of girls seem to just be glued to guys who treat them like shit. So there has to be something deeper going on. 

Thanks again! I will post updates for anyone interested in how this turns out.