My Life is at Rock Bottom

[Shroomdoctor]

Hello there!

So, for about four years now I have tried to self-actualize. What came out of it is that my life has completely crumbled into a pit of darkness. I went from medium happy student with a nice girlfriend and some hobbys to jobless clinically depressed guy that watches youtube all day and then hopes he doesnt wake up again. 

So, that kinda sucks. 

Im at a point where even the thought of trying to fix something leaves me so incredibly anxious I just default back to doing nothing. It's like there is this mountain of shit and trying to take some shit away just lets even more shit crumble down. Together with that, I have this lazyness issue. Every time I want to do something productive, I get this feeling of dread and panic in my chest, and I do nothing. 

I hat started composing orcchestral music for example but even the thought of doing that just fills me with fear and dread. Not because I dont like doing it but I feel like I can never get something good out of it so Im better off not trying. 

I lost count the number of times I took account of what was going wrong in my life, making plans, vision boards, and failing to implement anything a few weeks later. This circle has ingrained itself so far into me that I developed this huge fear of even trying. Of course I also had these moments of fuck this Im just going to try to live a "normal" average life but 1) I dont really want that 2) Im not even close to normal Im on -100.

 

I would like to get some work and income so I can get my own place again, because I feel like my mother is sapping my energy, arguing against every good thing I try to do:

"What you want to wake up at 5? Wake up at a normal time."

"You are composing music and want to someday make a living out of it? Why dont you do something thats realistic? You know these music things are for talented people."

"What you want to eat the paleo diet? That's way too restrictive why dont you just eat less fatty and sugary food?"

 

So yeah, thats quite demotivating. But its useless trying to argue with her, she won't get it. But the problem is that I literally am unable to work like an hour or so. I am totally exhausted by small tasks, like filing away some papers. I'm not at all able to work right now. 

 

 

I just don't know what else to try. 

[Dan502]

I would ask if you've considered seeing a doctor but it's such an obvious question that I'd risk insulting your intelligence by implying that you might not have already thought of it.

[Harikrishnan]

Have u tried psychedelics(your username indicates so)

Have u from begening of the journey took massive action or where u just laying on couch and doing mental masturbation with leo's  content. 

Stop watching Yt. Get rid of ur smart phone. Problem with most people including me is we have enough information already to ace life, but we still expect there is more to study. I am not enough belief. 4 year journey in actualization is enough to get a good income job or start a business. 

[Leo Gura]

@Shroomdoctor You need work on the very basics of putting together your life and career. Forget the lofty metaphysical stuff for now, and enough watching theory. Now it's implementation time.

Unfortunately there can be no shortcut for doing your pushups. You just gotta bite the bullet amd start doing them, one baby step at a time. Gradually build up your momentum.

Yew, this work takes lots of work. Accomplishing your highest vision requires a lot of hustling.

Maybe see my video: How To Get Shit Done. You have to be results oriented, not just theortical.

Also see my video: Balancing Theory vs Practice.

You are stuck in a cycle of avoiding emotional labor and there's just no advice that can let you skirt that. You cannot grow up and become successful without emotional labor.

[Shroomdoctor]

@Dan502 Was in a psychic hospital and all that jazz.

@Leo GuraYeah I am basically a master procrastinator. I even procrastinate through learning more theory, as if that would change anything, 

So the answer on to how to learn to do emotional labor and hard work is doing emotional labor and hard work? Shit I had hoped it would be chaos magic  

Well one more try I guess. Less planning, more doing.

[Leo Gura]

@Shroomdoctor You gotta start with baby steps. Don't bite off too much. Small steps done consistently will snowball over months and years.

You cannot make a baby in a month. Great things take a long time to bake.

[TheAvatarState]

45 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

@Shroomdoctor Small steps done consistently will snowball over months and years.

You cannot make a baby in a month. Great things take a long time to bake.

My EGO be like: "Aight, imma head out..." 

[Shroomdoctor]

@TheAvatarState

[How to be wise]

1 hour ago, TheAvatarState said:

My EGO be like: "Aight, imma head out..." 

This work is not exiting. If you're looking for adventure, you're not going to find any here. 

[Identity]

@Shroomdoctor When I started out, I also basically did nothing but watching youtube, playing video games, and smoking weed.

How I pulled myself out of that was to buy an agenda, and to note down a few very basic steps I wanted to accomplish that day. In the beginning it looked like:

- Buy some fruit

- Read for 15 minutes

- Do 20 push ups

That would literally be the type of goals I set for a day. Set these goals in the morning, or the night before. Than cross them off when you do them. Even these tiny goals you might fail in the beginning.

Very key to have a long time horizon. Don’t start with more than 3-5 of these type of goals, judging from your story. Only after a few weeks of consistantly reaching them, think about expanding.

 

[Shroomdoctor]

A big problem is the fact that my psyche has had a massive effect on my body. I have inflamation throughout kind of all of my digestive organs, my heartrate just goes from 60 to 150 for no reason and I feel extremely exhausted no matter how much I sleep. It renders me kind of useless.

[Eph75]

You've already identified the first component you need to work on, that you are a "master procrastinator". The road towards self-actualization is not harder than identifying your most basic need that is not met in your world and build understanding of that and get rid of or be able to come to terms with it through true acceptance, which essentially means it lets go of its hold on you. 

Maybe google a bit about maslows pyramid of basic needs. And doing that by starting working on the procrastination. Be  aware that you start reasoning yourself away from taking charge. That mean, when you read this, google maslows pyramid. You could also setup a plan to say spend 20 mintues per day to contemplate what you can put into practice the next day. That in itself is practice. 

Start small, ignore the big dreams to start with, they can be demotivators in the start since they seem so far away and unreachable. 

The first thing that needs to change within you is being comfortable enough with changing yourself so that you can allow that to happen. Again, small things, such as changing up the order of your morning routine, take a different route/detour to school or work every day and so on. 

With time the threshold for more significant change will successivly decrease. 

So start with something to kill the procrastination, set up at timer when you should do the work and when the timer goes off, don't think. Make a deal with yourself not to think at that point, just do it. 

By the way, 5 AM is the perfect time of day, no distractions, people are asleep, nothing else to do  ignore what people say if it feels right for you. 

Edited October 27, 2019 by Eph75

[d0ornokey]

Is the fear that it wont be perfect? 

[Jungian_Proxy]

You said you tried to "self-actualize" for four years. Could you be a bit more specific about what exactly you did?

I'm asking since you seem to think that your current state is a direct result from this.

[infinitelove]

@Shroomdoctor  have you tried taking SSRIs, they can be a great help ,especially at this stage.

[crab12]

I agree with what has been said so far, you need to take  action and you need to face the emotional labor, not escape from it.

8 hours ago, Shroomdoctor said:

Yeah I am basically a master procrastinator. I even procrastinate through learning more theory, as if that would change anything,

I suggest dealing with procrastination the same way alcoholics stay sober. I use this method in my everyday life, and it works. There were periods in my life, where I would take a pause from studying or whatever and then get into a cycle of procrastination, completely stop doing anything useful for months. I just played video games, watched porn, etc, to escape from reality while my life was falling apart. Finally unbearable anxiety and guilt would snap me out of it, but only to fall back into the cycle a few weeks later.

Anyway, the first step for an alcoholic is to admit to himself that he is an alcoholic and that he has no control over alcohol. Just as you are a procrastinator and an escapist and you have no control over procrastination and it's destroying your life. A recovering alcoholic cannot drink ever again, a single drink is enough to suck him back into a cycle of binge drinking, even after years of sobriety. You cannot procrastinate ever again for the remainder of your life, as the smallest avoidance can suck you into a cycle of full blown escapism which can waste away years from your life.

Living without alcohol seems overwhelming to an alcoholic, but he manages it by focusing one day at a time. He just needs to get through today without a drink and go to bed sober. Soon days become weeks, weeks become months, and months become years. You need to get through just this one day without procrastinating.

Now find the situations that trigger procrastination for you. For me, this is not getting out of bed in the morning immediately after the alarm goes off. And not going to bed on time at night. In mornings, if I go to the bed again for a quick little nap, then I'll use that to justify further procrastination and waste the entire day. I cannot trust myself with things like this, and once I start avoiding things I might not be able to stop myself, it has happened to me countless times. I have to get out of the bed and start my day instantly. I have a few other rules. Since I have a home office, during my work hours I will not check my facebook, youtube, email, come to this forum, or anything else unrelated to my business, no matter what. As long as I follow my rules, I can get through the day without procrastinating on a single thing.

Just imagine how awesome your life would be right now if you never procrastinated, you'd always do the difficult things that you actually wanted to do and the things that needed to be done in order to get what you wanted. What are the situations that trigger procrastination for you? What rules do you need to stay clear of them?

Try telling yourself every morning "Hi, I'm Shroomdoctor, and I'm a procrastinator and escapist. I have no control over procrastination, and procrastination has done serious damage to my life. I have it in me to waste my entire remaining life away, never achieving my full potential in life."

edit: why do alcoholics call themselves themselves harshly "alcoholics"? Because if they think they have permanently defeated alcoholism then they are free to drink again like a normal social drinker do. And then they relapse. This has happened to them multiple times. And now they recognize that they are alcoholics for the rest of their lives. Even after years of sobriety they are still alcoholics. And you are a procrastinator for life too.

Last thing, If you manage to start your day by the rules, then be mindful of yourself the whole day. If you notice that you are avoiding doing something, then start counting in your head 5-4-3-2-1 and then when you reach "1" move yourself and go do the thing you are avoiding.

Edited October 27, 2019 by crab12

[JustThinkingAloud]

Don’t focus on actions at this moment unless you really want do it or enjoy it, you will start acting or improve the quality of your actions later once you “recharge”. Fix your head first, stop being negative and start being realistic. Have a good look around you there’s so many great things to do and have, you just need to want them enough to go and get them while enjoying the process, just pick and choose. Life is your oyster! You just need to do something to get the benefits but that doesn’t mean that it’s hard work, there’s a lot of things that you can do just because you love doing it, you just need to find them.

[Javfly33]

For emotional issues/labor I can't recommend you anything (I'm going through the same thing although probably in less intensity, and yeah it's just plain painful and overwhelming and the only thing you have to have is patience because as long as you are aware of this kind of stuff ego will start to change and self-actualize, it just takes a lot of time).

 

But for this physical lazyness and dreadlessness I would suggest you give a try to intermittent fasting. Not bullshit 16:8 intermittent fasting but at least 24hrs fasts.

Be sure to be strategic in this and actually plan your meals ahead so you don't eat less just because you have a fasting schedule.

Fasting shouldn't be abused because I find is an ego, maniac booster, so I wouldn't advise it to be done regularly in a conscious life, but it is such a helpful aid in this deep emotional crisis where it seems your ego has been overlooaded with self-honesty and "baggage-discovery" and you are in emotional trap state where it seems overwhelming.

Well, in that state fasting can be tremendous help. I am using to get through my responsabilities and work while discovering a lot of my traumas and healing myself. That way I can still get stuff work in the week and not fall into depression or anxiety, and in the weekends work again in myself in a conscious way

 Some might that is a little self-delusional way to self actualize because you are avoiding "going full time" but hey I have to eat before I need to self-actualize. And honestly if the 20% of my week I'm conscious of my self is way better than the last 10 years of my life that I haven't been 1% conscious any day.

[Shroomdoctor]

@Javfly33 Could you elaborate on how exactly fasting benefits you?

[MusicalPotato]

On 10/27/2019 at 4:46 AM, Shroomdoctor said:

I would like to get some work and income so I can get my own place again, because I feel like my mother is sapping my energy

Start here, you've identified something that will help you feel more secure and you should pursue it. 

I kind of hate this saying because when I'm at Rock Bottom I quickly find that my rock is transparent and I'm actually falling down into an infinite void because things keep on getting worse, or I know they have the potential too. But the saying is this "When you hit rock bottom, the only way to go is UP!" Good luck friend, I hope you feel better soon.