Awakening issue

[Mindfang413]

   So before i explain my problem, i want to start off by saying that I have had the awakening experiance. It was after smoking pot with some friends. Suddenly, i felt like everything was being projected from my mind. Then it felt as if the whole universe was seeing through my eyes. My ego suddenly and without warning completely dissolved. Of course, i could never have expected this to happen after smoking WEED of all things so it caught me completely off guard and ihad never researched things like awakening prior. Meanwhile, my friends turned on something chill and funny to watch because they knew i was tripping the fuck out. While they were doing their own thing, i was convinced id finally woken up from life, that everything was somehow an illusion. That my entire life did not actually exist and id only imagined it. Not only this, i was barely aware of the things around me. I could see, yes, but it was like there was no distinction between me and the environment, including my friends so it was as if i really couldnt see because i couldnt register things were different from "me". I felt as if i were one with everything, i was everything in existence but i was for some reason localized in this "human" body. I could barely register physical feeling. I knew i was "sitting" as a human but its like it wasnt really happening. The entire time however, i kept thinking "how come my friends and everything else is still going on when i feel like im the one really in control?" I felt as if i could blink everything out of existence if i wanted too. It was incredibly scary. In fact, scarys an understatement. I dont think theres a way that language can describe what i felt. I felt an indescribable connection to nothingness. I dont know how to explain it but ill try. It felt i could be nothingness but i can also be something. But i didnt feel in control of such a thing, at least not in human form. It almost felt as if i BECAME nothingness. Anyway, over a few hours, i came back down, convincing myself as the high wore down that what i experianced didnt make sense. But it felt like the absolute truth. FYI: Before this weed experiance, i had been questioning reality and existence non stop and obsessively for like a year after my dad passed away.

   Now to my problem. I had depression for years before my dad died. Once that happened, i started questioning life and existence and found that there is no such meaning and that existence is utterly absurd. I became seriously nihilistic and ive had suicidal ideation since. Recently, ive discovered Gurus, philosophers like Alan watts and of course, i discovered Leo on his youtube channel and his videos have seriously helped me make sense of my experiance and that i wasnt alone (thanks Leo).

Heres the issue :   No matter what i do, i cannot get the idea out of my head that FEELINGS (such as happiness, peace, whatever) mean nothing. Nothing would ever be able to fulfill me because i literally do not think happiness is valid in anyway. This developed in me after discovering existence is meaningless. Of course, im still CAPABLE of happiness but everytime i feel it, i lable it as a meaningless emotion that occures within life in meaningless existence. All existence seems to be just an amalgam of BEING and so it seems that anything inside it is just being, nothing more. I am in NO WAY saying this is the truth. This is just how ive been experiancing life and im posting this here because something in me is telling me feelings mean more than that because truthfully, i find it very hard to get through each day feeling that every action and feeling i feel is meaningless. Because when i look around, people around me feel connected or at least feel that any emotion they feel is important and valid when i simply dont. So, to all the more enlightened people here, is this a problem? Should i change my outlook? Would it matter if i just laid down and died? It does, right?

[Gili Trawangan]

This is discussed here often. Being is prior to meaning. You say so yourself, you are labeling feelings as meaningless, which is adding another layer on top of them. Drop that label. Meaning is a concept, it's not important unless you make it important.

There is experience and it's magic. This is precisely to be FELT, not rationalized into some concept like meaning.

[Forestluv]

8 hours ago, Mindfang413 said:

Heres the issue :   No matter what i do, i cannot get the idea out of my head that FEELINGS (such as happiness, peace, whatever) mean nothing. Nothing would ever be able to fulfill me because i literally do not think happiness is valid in anyway. This developed in me after discovering existence is meaningless.

Assigning “no meaning” is assigning meaning. We can’t have no meaning without meaning. There would be nothing to contrast.
 

Absence of meaning is not no meaning. For example, there has been an absence of glisvof your entire life. Have you spent time struggling with whether or not there is glisvof in your life? Have you ever been depressed over the because there is no glisvof? Of course not, because there was an absence of glisvof. It was a non-issue. To make it an issue we would need to create some definition of what glisvof is. Then we could have an internal debate over whether glisvof exists or not.

However, the ego doesn’t like this because it is prior to the ego. The ego will think “Yea, but how does this affect me?”.