I request to be more sick

[Maarten]

I'm openly admitting this to myself here, hoping it resonates with a lucky fellow. I tried to do everything right and I found answers to all of the questions that I was looking for, and all only to realise that I've cheated WAY too much by not making myself sick enough. I have become waaay too agressive about this path to enlightenment, and this has resulted in me becoming kinda conscious (well conscious of god), but the problem is that I am too agressive still, and if I don't quickly make myself more sick than I currently am I might die or accidentally be responsible for people getting killed or causing a lot of harm by not having enough discipline iver myself.

 

I don't know why I am sharing this.

 

Can anyone recommend me ways in which I can make myself more sick?

[Maarten]

Was it okay to post this post?

 

Also, I could...

• I could play video games
• I could go pick-up girls
• I could play theater (make fun of people)
• I could watch the news and worry about the shit that goes on in the world and judge and criticise it
• I could sit still and meditate
• I could contemplate things of death
• I could tell people how they should do things (already am sort of)
• I could play loud music in public places
• I could be an ass to people
• I could start a manipulative business
• I could gorge myself on junkfood
• I could ignore shy people when they talk to me
• I could fuck myself
• I could fuck girls
• I could be a comic

None of these will win me friends, but they will make me more sick, and the greatest sickness will lead to to the purest health.

 

Edited October 25, 2019 by Maarten

[Forestluv]

What you listed seems like distractions to me. I would face the issue as directly as possible - as much as the mind and body could tolerate. Something like a solitary dark room retreat in which there is no place to run or hide.  Another option would be psychedelics, yet that has risks for an unstable mind and body. A milder method would be extended shamanic breathing exercises.

I would let go of the frame of "making myself more sick" or "making myself better". This seems like a thought story that is distractive to deeper issues. 

[Nahm]

2 hours ago, Maarten said:

I'm openly admitting this to myself here, hoping it resonates with a lucky fellow. 

Three of you?

I tried to do everything right

Fundamental fragmentation & self judgement at play. 

and I found answers to all of the questions that I was looking for, and all only to realise that I've cheated

Judgment. 

WAY too much by not making myself sick enough.

Are you not yourself? 

I have become waaay too agressive about this path to enlightenment, and this has resulted in me becoming kinda conscious (well conscious of god), but the problem is that I am too agressive still, and if I don't quickly make myself more sick

Either you’ve kid yourself that you are conscious of God, or you’re actually trying to make God sick. Neither is going to go well. 

than I currently am

How about focusing there, and healing instead, well being, practices, inspection, modalities, etc?

I might die or accidentally be responsible for people getting killed or causing a lot of harm by not having enough discipline iver myself.

Therapy might be ideal, to get to the root of the self belief before you hurt someone. It’s not logical, typical, or rational to belief one requires discipline to not harm another. That is a given, innate. You hold beliefs about yourself (conditioning essentially) which cause such thoughts to arise, and the feeling of discord in terms of grounded ness, emotion. There is a belief held specifically about yourself in terms of responsibility & accountability. One can not discipline one’s self, because one is self. 

I don't know why I am sharing this.

Because the true self doesn’t want to harm anyone. 

Can anyone recommend me ways in which I can make myself more sick?

There’s nothing special about making yourself seem small. You’re not impressing anyone like you believe you are. 

 

1 hour ago, Maarten said:

Was it okay to post this post?

 

Also, I could...

• I could play video games
• I could go pick-up girls
• I could play theater (make fun of people)
• I could watch the news and worry about the shit that goes on in the world and judge and criticise it
• I could sit still and meditate
• I could contemplate things of death
• I could tell people how they should do things (already am sort of)
• I could play loud music in public places
• I could be an ass to people
• I could start a manipulative business
• I could gorge myself on junkfood
• I could ignore shy people when they talk to me
• I could fuck myself
• I could fuck girls
• I could be a comic

None of these will win me friends, but they will make me more sick, and the greatest sickness will lead to to the purest health.

You could also do the inspection work. Have a look at beliefs, etc. 

 

[Knock]

What the heelflip!

Being sick comes with a lot of baggage/trauma/complications that takes years and money to overcome.

What you want is the appreciation and maturity that comes from overcoming these ailments. You can have that right now, because it is a mindset and not an event.

Practice contentment. Practice gratitude. Live purposefully and responsibility. If you have abundance (which we all do), start giving back to the world. Don't squander it on destructive ideas that do nothing but serve the deluded ego. 

 

[Maarten]

Ouch, but you're right. I was arrogant. I was letting out a lot of repressed criticisms, arrogance, and judgements, and I am grateful that you wished to listen to me and give me your feedback.

On 10/25/2019 at 10:11 PM, Nahm said:

I'm openly admitting this to myself here, hoping it resonates with a lucky fellow. 

Three of you?

I tried to do everything right

Fundamental fragmentation & self judgement at play.

Could you explain more? I don't quite understand. What do you mean fundamental fragmentation?

and I found answers to all of the questions that I was looking for, and all only to realise that I've cheated

Judgment. 

WAY too much by not making myself sick enough.

Are you not yourself? 

I guess not yet. I am myself, but a part of me (well multiple parts of me, are not yet fully born into the light yet)

I have become waaay too agressive about this path to enlightenment, and this has resulted in me becoming kinda conscious (well conscious of god), but the problem is that I am too agressive still, and if I don't quickly make myself more sick

Either you’ve kid yourself that you are conscious of God, or you’re actually trying to make God sick. Neither is going to go well. 

I don't think I am kidding myself. I have seen God directly, but not faced him head-on yet. I understand his plan, and have been allowed to ask him some questions, and have received many useful answers in return. I was trying to make God sick, but now I understand that it was not meant for the sake of projecting it out into the world and starting a holy war "out there" (Leo thought e well enough), but I was actually starting a holy war "in myself", and by making myself sick it became easier to swallow the truth, because swallowing a bitter pill directly was way too bitter for me. However, I still wish to learn how to fly by myself though, even if for now I am remaining here to study. Not meaning that I wish to prove myself to anybody out there, not at all. But I think I should strive (as should anybody), to become a teacher in the end, but not before I have faced the curtains myself, and faced the big man himself.

than I currently am

How about focusing there, and healing instead, well being, practices, inspection, modalities, etc?

Okay, well I was not ready for that when I wrote the first message here. I had to make myself sick, because I had so much pain burried inside, and I had to hypnotize myself to swallow it at all, or it might have driven me to insanity. I did small things to make myself sick though, like eating a bit of meat, drinking some alcohol, and socializing with nice friends (we actually had a really great time too, and no one got mad at one another or told each other any stupid shit).

I might die or accidentally be responsible for people getting killed or causing a lot of harm by not having enough discipline iver myself.

Therapy might be ideal, to get to the root of the self belief before you hurt someone. It’s not logical, typical, or rational to belief one requires discipline to not harm another. That is a given, innate. You hold beliefs about yourself (conditioning essentially) which cause such thoughts to arise, and the feeling of discord in terms of grounded ness, emotion. There is a belief held specifically about yourself in terms of responsibility & accountability. One can not discipline one’s self, because one is self. 

I actually am considering therapy. I cannot quite fathom the complete truth about discipline you are trying to convey here, but I'll try me best. I have some work to do to get these frustrations and criticisms out of my system. Maybe therapy will help me, but I also have some responsible parents in my life who are probably always ear if I am willing to listen to them. Actually, I wish to keep looking for more of those kinds of parents, because they're of great help, and they lift me up a LOT.

I don't know why I am sharing this.

Because the true self doesn’t want to harm anyone. 

Can anyone recommend me ways in which I can make myself more sick?

There’s nothing special about making yourself seem small. You’re not impressing anyone like you believe you are. 

Wow, ouch. I know that you're right, but never have I met someone that made it that clear to me. I guess, thank you.

 

  On 10/25/2019 at 8:21 PM, Maarten said:

Was it okay to post this post?

 

Also, I could...

I could play video games

I could go pick-up girls

I could play theater (make fun of people)

I could watch the news and worry about the shit that goes on in the world and judge and criticise it

I could sit still and meditate

I could contemplate things of death

I could tell people how they should do things (already am sort of)

I could play loud music in public places

I could be an ass to people

I could start a manipulative business

I could gorge myself on junkfood

I could ignore shy people when they talk to me

I could fuck myself

I could fuck girls

I could be a comic

None of these will win me friends, but they will make me more sick, and the greatest sickness will lead to to the purest health.

You could also do the inspection work. Have a look at beliefs, etc. 

I'm thinking about combining both. I want to study the sickness that is in the world so that I can help other better (in a strategic manner), but I also want to use it to figure out how I can myself better (inspection work, meditation, psychedelics, etc.)

 

 

Thank you for the feedback sir. I have been put in my place.

[Nahm]

14 hours ago, Maarten said:

I'm openly admitting this to myself here, hoping it resonates with a lucky fellow. 

Three of you?

I tried to do everything right

Fundamental fragmentation & self judgement at play.

Could you explain more? I don't quite understand. What do you mean fundamental fragmentation?

 

The “foundation” all of that is built on, is belief. Your intuition is that this is a house of cards, and intuition is never wrong. 

I’m openly admitting this to my self.  Are there really two of you? The “ I “ and the “self”? 

“Nahm!! That’s just semantics though!!”

Ever so semantically sneaky, so subtly linguistic, is the notion of the separate self, “residing” just there, “living” contingently just upon such thought. You are one; in believing thoughts about yourself, you are believing you are two, and not even noticing. You are not the fragments of thought, you are whole, aware of thoughts. Awareness is not fragmentable in thinking, awareness is whole, complete, and felt.

This, this thread, is not you openly admitting anything to your self, or anyone. It’s a beautiful expression of God. Tap that keg.... 

 

^

?

♥️

?

?

??‍♂️

♥️

  ^

Given the choice, would you choose to do what you want to? Or think about yourself? 

Would anyone ever choose what does not feel good to them?   Of course not. One would have to do this unconsciously, one would have to be asleep.

Being, conscious of such unconsciousness, is already ‘the’ awakening; the re-membering (defragging) of forgetting.

 

14 hours ago, Maarten said:

Are you not yourself? 

I guess not yet. I am myself, but a part of me (well multiple parts of me, are not yet fully born into the light yet)

SOOO sneaky my man. How could you not be yourself yet? There is no “not light”, there is no spoon Maarten. It’s actually true. 

Can a flashlight find the light? Of course not! It’s already shining it, right now, for real. 

Notice, ALL, to the contrary - is just a thought - which “itself” - YOU are the very knowing of, the illumination of. 

Imagine shining a flashlight on a wall, and seeing some bugs crawling across the wall. 

MYTH: The thought, the assumption, is that the bugs “of course” exist as bugs outside the light, and the “truth” is they are “there”, but I only see them when they crawl across the circle which the flashlight is casting on the wall. That there “truth”, is obviously actually a thought about perception. That thought is not perception. 

ACTUALITY: You are not the person holding a flashlight, you are not the flashlight. You are the light itself. The bugs exist “outside” of the light as potentiality, pure consciousness, a “substance” that is everything, everywhere, anytime, no thing, nowhere, no time  - YOU.

A thought arises, it is believed, perception in “fragmented” in believing the thought, and labeling - “bugs”. The bugs are a vibration, an oscillation, of the light itself - YOU. Magically, mystically, by the unfathomable grace of God, there is this divine experience of bugs. Thank you so much. No words for this love. Just revel, appreciate,, feel, rather than believe thoughts and labels.  Tools are not truths. 

14 hours ago, Maarten said:

But I think I should strive (as should anybody)

What is experience, the same experience, what is it like, without the thought layers of “strive”, and “should”? What if should is just judgement, belief, and in realizing this, you chose your own true unique desire fully, and invented computers. And what if it revolutionized the world. And what if you became wealthy, and used that wealth, to help millions of people with survival. What is the real worth of you, right now, saying “ya, fuck should. What do I really want?”. It’s immeasurable. Limitless. 

14 hours ago, Maarten said:

Okay, well I was not ready for that when I wrote the first message here. I had to make myself sick, because I had so much pain burried inside, and I had to hypnotize myself to swallow it at all, or it might have driven me to insanity. I did small things to make myself sick though, like eating a bit of meat, drinking some alcohol, and socializing with nice friends (we actually had a really great time too, and no one got mad at one another or told each other any stupid shit).

What is actually going on right now as you look around the room without that thought story? I would trade a trillion thought and hypnosis’s, for a single real feeling. 

Does the past dictate you right now? 

Only is you keep believing you’re are that you. 

Which you can’t possibly be - because you are what is aware of those thought, that thought story of a “you”, and a “past”. You’re amazing. A magician. Well done. 

14 hours ago, Maarten said:

I actually am considering therapy. I cannot quite fathom the complete truth about discipline you are trying to convey here, but I'll try me best. I have some work to do to get these frustrations and criticisms out of my system. Maybe therapy will help me, but I also have some responsible parents in my life who are probably always ear if I am willing to listen to them. Actually, I wish to keep looking for more of those kinds of parents, because they're of great help, and they lift me up a LOT.

Wow, how blessed, and wise indeed. 

Expression, yes! 

However, a cautionary tale..thoughts, words, beliefs; these are the three cups of the magician. They imply a “you” which is supposed to guess which cup the peanut is under. But there is no peanut. Never was. Kick the table over, with emotion. Outpour that shit. Wash yourself of yourself. You are magic itself. You indeed create unconditionally.  

“And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You gotta promise not to stop when I say when” 

Dave Grohl

You don’t want anything to stop either, if ya really, really, get deep in there, you love this madness too. Ya know ya do. It births ass kickers such as - ‘you’.

14 hours ago, Maarten said:

Okay, well I was not ready for that when I wrote the first message here. I had to make myself sick, because I had so much pain burried inside, and I had to hypnotize myself to swallow it at all, or it might have driven me to insanity. I did small things to make myself sick though, like eating a bit of meat, drinking some alcohol, and socializing with nice friends (we actually had a really great time too, and no one got mad at one another or told each other any stupid shit).

 

14 hours ago, Maarten said:

I actually am considering therapy. I cannot quite fathom the complete truth about discipline you are trying to convey here, but I'll try me best. I have some work to do to get these frustrations and criticisms out of my system. Maybe therapy will help me, but I also have some responsible parents in my life who are probably always ear if I am willing to listen to them. Actually, I wish to keep looking for more of those kinds of parents, because they're of great help, and they lift me up a LOT.

Therapy, yes, great. Just let emotions empty out. Your story about “sick” etc, let that go. You’re making it up and believing it. Without “shoulda”, and judgement of healthy & sick, good & bad, there’s no story anymore, sans this one, the life story, the actuality in front of your face (so to speak). Side note, give it back, lift your parents up - see what that feels like. The lift a perfect stranger up, see what that feels like. Bet it feels as opposite from strange as could be.

14 hours ago, Maarten said:

None of these will win me friends, but they will make me more sick, and the greatest sickness will lead to to the purest health.

You could also do the inspection work. Have a look at beliefs, etc. 

I'm thinking about combining both. I want to study the sickness that is in the world so that I can help other better (in a strategic manner), but I also want to use it to figure out how I can myself better (inspection work, meditation, psychedelics, etc.)

You can not get poor enough to help someone get wealthy. You can not get sick enough to help someone get healthy. You’re whole “sick” thing is a paradigm, it’s not working, it’s senseless (no sensation, no feeling). Drop it like it’s hot. Be done with it.  Well being is not dualistic, is not thinking, as it has no opposite. All is the well, that is Being. 

“Thank you for the feedback sir. I have been put in my place.”

Your welcome! and no you haven’t. You haven’t even glimpsed a spec of your actual sneakiness yet. 

 

 

[ajasatya]

@Maarten Basically, you can't get deliberately any sicker than that. You're open to vice and corruption... that's hell already.

[Maarten]

@ajasatya

Nature is a bitch, and I wish she were more of a freaky witch. Wine is too bitter, I want sweet grapes.

[Omni]

jed mckenna, have fun with his books.