The first day of the rest of my life

[Cala Vera]

I’ve just finished watching Leo’s video “What is the point of life?” for the second time. I’ve never posted on the forum before, but I feel compelled to put myself out there. This is a kind of declaration for myself, and starting right now I’m no longer making excuses for not creating. Whether it is a blog, book or YouTube channel, (maybe all of the above) remains to be seen, but I’m going to create. Period. I’ve been procrastinating for so long, waiting until ‘the right time’ to start; waiting for inspiring topics to present themselves; waiting for flashes of insight that encourage me forward. Tonight, Leo struck a chord in me, as he does so well. And with that, I need to clarify some things for myself, once and for all:  

What am I so afraid of?

I’m afraid that my efforts won’t be good enough; that they won’t be acknowledged, understood, accepted or appreciated. I’m afraid that I will be unable to live up to the ideals that I have set for myself. I’m afraid that people will not find value in my work. I’m afraid of judgement and criticism. I’m afraid of biting off more than I can chew. But honestly, the thing that I am most afraid of is that I will live out the remainder of this life and die without having even tried to actualize my highest potential. That is what I’m most afraid of. 

Why have I been letting fear hold me back from living my purpose in life? 

Fear is the guard that stands at the door to my self imposed prison. It has found a home there. Fear knows that I feel paralyzed by its presence and that I won’t make any sudden moves. It doesn’t have to work very hard to keep me held captive. The door to my cell isn’t even locked. Fear just hangs out and I find myself diminished by its threats of doom. I’m accustomed to playing small and judging myself as inadequate. Conversely, I’m just as afraid of being recognized as I am afraid of being ignored. It is a contradiction of the highest order of magnitude. I’m sick of letting fear control me. I realize fully that I have been a willing slave to its deceptions. I’m to the point in my life where I must actualize my passions and creativity, or burn in a blazing fire of ridicule and failure, because what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger. I’m sick of making excuses for myself as to why I haven’t done the things that I know in my heart that I am capable of doing. I’m failing myself by not even trying to move forward. I have used personal development as a mask to hide behind so that I don’t have to challenge myself to overcome what is really holding me back, which is absolutely and only fear of my own making. I’ve succeeded in so many ways in developing insight and making changes in my life that stick. I’ve experienced so much. I have fearlessly explored and ferreted out the depths of my own inner darkness. I’ve conquered many demons and opened the doors of my perception and intuition. I’ve come so far, and yet I still shrink into the trees when it comes to putting myself out there and interacting with the world and bringing my hard-earned light and wisdom to the forefront of my life so that others can appreciate and learn from the knowledge that I have gained. It is selfish and ungrateful to keep this knowledge bottled up inside of me. It is hypocritical to have such profound insight and awareness and keep it to myself. I dim my light so as not to attract attention, when what I know in my heart that I want to be doing is shining brightly for those who wish to see; to illuminate, radiate and glow with the joy of living as pure selflessness and grace. I have it in me to do. The time for excuses is long since passed. 

What is my highest purpose in life?

My highest purpose is to bring balance and harmony to the world in my own unique ways. My highest purpose is to inspire people to create magic in their lives; to realize their fullness and to live from their higher Self. My highest purpose is to radiate love, to let it guide me and flow from me; and to express that love in ways that make people feel valued. My highest purpose is to help, to heal, to grow and to share. My highest purpose is to seed Truth and awareness into the hearts and minds of those who struggle. My highest purpose is to live from such a heartfelt place of authenticity and Self awareness that I cannot help but be a light in this world. 

Am I capable?

Hell yes, I am capable. I have been journeying for 30 years. I have beat addictions and brought healing to wounds so deep that they almost killed many times. I have traveled dimensions and seen the immense complexity of existence from vantage points so obscure and radical as to be utterly indescribable. I have realized that consciousness is all there is. Consciousness is what I am. I recognize the infinite creative spark of consciousness within me, as me, and yet somehow I have managed to diminish my experiences and continue operating from a place of mundane acceptance of human limitation and denial of what truly is. I know that I am capable of so much more. 

Am I motivated? 

Yes. I am motivated. I am a manifestation of creative power and infinite awareness and it is time that I bring this energy into the world, share it with anyone who resonates and vanquish the fears that I have cowed to for my entire life. There is nothing else for me to do. To continue stalling and making excuses for why I am not acting on my passions is unacceptable. The very worst thing that can happen is that not one single person likes or appreciates my content or my effort. I may be criticized. I may even be ridiculed. And if that happens, I’m ok with it because I will know that regardless of whether or not anyone else likes or appreciates my perspective, I am singing the song that I was meant to sing; a melody that has been playing within me since the day I was ‘born’. 

What will staying small lead to? 

Staying small is not an option. Staying small is safe, but it is also a death sentence. It is easy, but it makes happiness so difficult. Not drawing attention to myself is a silence of lies. If I choose not to speak my truth, I am lying to myself and to the world. Staying small means I let myself down; I let humanity down. Staying small is a cop-out and an excuse to just keep doing what feels comfortable. Staying small is a violation of love. It leads to the death of my dreams. I will not play small any longer. I will take action, even if it is uncomfortable. I will challenge myself to grow into the creator that I already am. I will be seen. I will be heard. I will be experienced. 

 

I am committing myself to writing/creating every day. I have no outline and no real plan of action other than to express what I am passionate about in a way that may elevate or inspire others. Any suggestions, tips or feedback is welcome. Thank you for reading!

 

 

[Joker]

You're a great writer. I could relate alot to what you wrote and was inspired by it. So you already have one person you have influenced through your work (me). Keep going !

[Cala Vera]

Thank you! I appreciate your kind words.