Problems and a Sense of Being Lost

[crimson_chess]

Recently I've been feeling lost and deficient in terms of what I am doing and what I should be doing. I feel like I have many deep neuroses inside of me, and whatever I do just isn't seeming to work.

Some Context: About two months ago, I started a meditation habit where I meditated for roughly 1 hour a day. Realizing that I could not keep it up, after about 1 month, I gradually moved down to 30 minutes per day. The issue I was having was that I had a clock-in-the-hours sort of mindset where I wanted to just get in the meditation time so that I could say that I completed my meditation session for that day. I became very neurotic in trying to just get through the meditation so that I could do some low consciousness activity. I did, and still do hold that sort of mindset toward practically everything. Around this time I wanted to really make my life better, because I thought my neuroses might have just been an effect of not doing enough, or just not having a good lifestyle. I made myself as efficient as possible, and I generally tried to just grind through my work and things I need to do so that I could do other things, which I always felt guilty for doing because they weren't productive. I was in a constant state of perfectionism, feeling guilty when I didn't do exactly what I had planned to do. Acting spontaneously did and still doesn't work for me, because all I could focus on was the future. 

In changing my lifestyle, I adopted the habits of productivity, getting up early, NoFap, life purpose, reading, eliminating videogames, journaling and recently exercise. I still faced the same problem of hating these things I felt I needed to do, but I did them anyway, and I grinded through them, because that's what I thought would make me happy. I was kind of doing them for the sake of doing them because that's what I heard would make me happy. I occasionally watched videos on youtube that emphasized the importance of getting things done, or "hustling" through life, and I thought that my problem still was that I never was doing enough. I always felt and still do feel so guilty for not doing enough, or doing what I should be doing. 

I got everything "together", and I started living a lifestyle of getting things done that many people online, especially some youtubers, seem to idolize. My social life was pretty good, better than it had ever been. I had adopted all of these habits, and from the outside, my life seemed pretty good. On the inside, however, I always feel this neurotic guilt and shame. Despite me thinking my life is getting better, living it is so empty and hollow. I know rationally that doing more and more here is not the answer. Recently I started taking more break time and time to myself, but I don't know.. I still feel guilty for not doing enough.

I realized recently that one of the roots of these problems was overthinking and negative thinking. After I did what some people refer to as a sort of "dopamine detox," I felt even worse than before. Feeling numb was a good way to describe it. I felt really no joy to my life. I still don't really feel that much.

Last week, I was hanging out with some friends, and I remember just kind of forgetting everything else: all of my problems and neuroses. I didn't overthink, and I had a lot of fun. Yesterday I broke my streak of not playing videogames (by myself), and I remember just my thinking stopping and being able to enjoy the moment. Unfortunately, these moments are very few and hard to come across.

I've tried meditation to try and kind of fix this problem, but it doesn't seem to work. Journaling can work for brief periods of time, just to let whatever I'm thinking out, but I always end up being neurotic. Even my life purpose has become kind of neurotic. I kind of enjoyed drawing for a while, but then it went from enjoying drawing to getting better at drawing, to how can I clock in my 10k hours of drawing to become a master. Then I did something similar with chess, which I still really enjoy, but I felt like I can't really turn it into a life purpose, so I turned yet another hobby because I am much more skilled at it, but recently it's been going into a very similar trajectory with my drawing habit.

I remember I didn't have these problems when I was just a kid. None of this was an issue. I could just do things.. and it was all magical. My life situation wasn't even that super - I wasn't that disciplined, I didn't have much control over my life, but I always remember enjoying everything. My seemingly good life now in comparison just feels awful. 

I'm considering breaking all of these habits, except for meditation and journaling and exercising. I've noticed after about 55 days of NoFap now that I've been feeling even more numb than ever. I'm seriously considering breaking that streak, even though it does seem to have a few benefits, but none I've noticed recently. My thought process is that instead of completely ridding myself of bad habits, I might just practice them in moderation.. but I'm not sure if that would even work.

The bottom line here is that it feels like I've tried everything, and done the stuff that will supposedly make me happy, but nothing seems to work.

Any help is greatly appreciated. Thanks. 

[Sahil Pandit]

@crimson_chess Look man, there's no need to be so hard on yourself. This is a long road, and you have a great intention for yourself. 
Do you have a friend circle that supports your life? I am on no fap as well, and i PROMISE you, you'll feel better. Breaking the streak for no reason just ins't worth it. Remember, things get worse, then get better.

In terms of your neurosis, i think you're trying hard to get a desired outcome. Instead, how about you switch to "Do nothing" meditation? You just seem to stressed out to do formal meditation.

What are your hobbies? What do you do for a living? Are you in a relationship? 

[TheAvatarState]

On 10/23/2019 at 8:51 PM, crimson_chess said:

The bottom line here is that it feels like I've tried everything, and done the stuff that will supposedly make me happy, but nothing seems to work.

I can tell you one thing you already know: porn and video games won't make you happy. See, the ego loves to trick itself into thinking that going back to old patterns will relieve your suffering. It's so easy to trick yourself. Before you decide to relapse, write in your journal about it. And you always have a choice.

[crab12]

On 10/24/2019 at 5:51 AM, crimson_chess said:

habits of productivity, getting up early, NoFap, life purpose, reading, eliminating videogames, journaling and recently exercise.

All of these activities can be useful. But... why are you doing them?

On 10/24/2019 at 5:51 AM, crimson_chess said:

I felt I needed to do, but I did them anyway, and I grinded through them, because that's what I thought would make me happy.

Seems you already know that doing things to make yourself happy isn't a good enough reason to do stuff . So, why are you doing these things then? What are you trying to achieve?

Edited October 25, 2019 by crab12

[Nahm]

On 10/23/2019 at 10:51 PM, crimson_chess said:

Recently I've been feeling lost and deficient in terms of what I am doing and what I should be doing. I feel like I have many deep neuroses inside of me, and whatever I do just isn't seeming to work.

It’s because you hold that belief - “what I should” be doing.” Who says what you should be doing? Nobody. You could be doing what you want to be doing, and because what you want = what feels good to you - nothing less is going to do. 

Some Context: About two months ago, I started a meditation habit where I meditated for roughly 1 hour a day. Realizing that I could not keep it up,

That’s a belief you fell for, out of fear of feeling your feelings. You got duped. Happens to all of us. 

after about 1 month, I gradually moved down to 30 minutes per day. The issue I was having was that I had a clock-in-the-hours sort of mindset where I wanted to just get in the meditation time so that I could say that I completed my meditation session for that day.

This is because you have no dream board, no vision on it, nothing you are wanting in life (yet) which makes everything you’re doing along the journey worthwhile, enjoyable, and meaningful to you. Get a dream board going. It’ll change everything. 

I became very neurotic in trying to just get through the meditation so that I could not have to feel.  do some low consciousness activity.

I did, and still do hold that sort of mindset toward practically everything. Around this time I wanted to really make my life better, because I thought my neuroses might have just been an effect of not doing enough, or just not having a good lifestyle. I made myself as efficient as possible, and I generally tried to just grind through my work and things I need to do so that I could do other things, which I always felt guilty for doing because they weren't productive.

You’re doing the most classic initial strategy, and trying to change the circumstances, so you don’t have to uncondition. Changing the circumstances never brings lasting happiness, as circumstances change everyday. Empty yourself. The you remaining, below those layers of belief, is wonderful, childlike & carefree. 

I was in a constant state of perfectionism, feeling guilty when I didn't do exactly what I had planned to do.

Guilt isn’t a feeling. The feeling is the response from your unconditional inner being, in regards to the condition you are believing about yourself. It is because you are, in actuality, so good, that when you “beat up on yourself” is feels bad. Listen to the feeling, and let the thoughts go accordingly, rather than suppressing the feeling, and believing the thoughts. 

Acting spontaneously did and still doesn't work for me, because all I could focus on was the future. 

Can’t ‘act’ spontaneously...that’s acting. There’s a great difference (feeling) between focusing on the future, and worrying about the future. 

In changing my lifestyle, I adopted the habits of productivity, getting up early, NoFap, life purpose, reading, eliminating videogames, journaling and recently exercise. I still faced the same problem of hating these things I felt I needed to do, but I did them anyway, and I grinded through them, because that's what I thought would make me happy.

Where did you get the idea that doing what does not feel good to you would leave you feeling good?  Do you see yet, how that isn’t going to pan out?

I was kind of doing them for the sake of doing them because that's what I heard would make me happy.

It probably would, if it was headed somewhere...the journey of living your life’s dream. Make that dream board.

I occasionally watched videos on youtube that emphasized the importance of getting things done, or "hustling" through life, and I thought that my problem still was that I never was doing enough. I always felt and still do feel so guilty for not doing enough, or doing what I should be doing. 

Inspect that “feeling guilty” - and notice the thoughts involved. It’s not just a feeling. It’s sensation + thinking. Listen to the sensation, not the thinking. Begin to notice, you are not actually in your past or future thought stories about you. You are the awareness, here now, aware of the thoughts. 

I got everything "together", and I started living a lifestyle of getting things done that many people online, especially some youtubers, seem to idolize. My social life was pretty good, better than it had ever been. I had adopted all of these habits, and from the outside, my life seemed pretty good.

From the outside is a thought, which you are mistaking for the actuality of actually experiencing what someone else thinks (“from the outside”). Those thoughts are yours, so to speak. Not someone else’s. 

On the inside, however, I always feel this neurotic guilt and shame.

You’re thinking about what other people are thinking about you. You have never experienced that though. It’s overthinking fueled by avoidance of feeling. 

Despite me thinking my life is getting better, living it is so empty and hollow.

Living without feeling is empty and hollow. There is no feeling in a thought story. It’s fruitless to keep expecting there will be. 

I know rationally that doing more and more here is not the answer. Recently I started taking more break time and time to myself, but I don't know.. I still feel guilty for not doing enough. I realized recently that one of the roots of these problems was overthinking and negative thinking. After I did what some people refer to as a sort of "dopamine detox," I felt even worse than before. Feeling numb was a good way to describe it. I felt really no joy to my life. I still don't really feel that much.

It’s exciting to be heading somewhere, somewhere you created, somewhere you want, and to watch reality unfold and become what you are wanting, right before your eyes. Establish what you are wanting, on your board. Then let it go. Let go of “how”. Just look for the coming to you of it. Allow the receiving of what you are wanting. Washers & dryers grind, but they never get anywhere, because they have no self awareness or intention. 

Last week, I was hanging out with some friends, and I remember just kind of forgetting everything else: all of my problems and neuroses. I didn't overthink, and I had a lot of fun. Yesterday I broke my streak of not playing videogames (by myself), and I remember just my thinking stopping and being able to enjoy the moment.

Fun is it. Magic. Like when you were a kid. No worrying of the future. Here, now, fun. 

Unfortunately, these moments are very few and hard to come across.

And just like that, back to telling the same old story, and expecting the story of your life to unfold differently. Tell the story you want, and soon enough you find you are living it. 

I've tried meditation to try and kind of fix this problem, but it doesn't seem to work.

Yes it does. Meditation is letting the “problem go”, and then you realize you are the creator of “problems”. Meditation is not for fixing, because you do not need any fixing. There’s not a single thing “wrong” with you. 

Journaling can work for brief periods of time, just to let whatever I'm thinking out, but I always end up being neurotic.

Don’t settle for expressing in duality, thinking. Express emotionally, feeling. Let it out. 

Even my life purpose has become kind of neurotic.

Then drop it. If you don’t love it and want it, drop it. The word purpose can sometimes be held in connotation like the word “should”. It’s just you. Do what you want. 

I kind of enjoyed drawing for a while, but then it went from enjoying drawing to getting better at drawing, to how can I clock in my 10k hours of drawing to become a master. Then I did something similar with chess, which I still really enjoy, but I felt like I can't really turn it into a life purpose, so I turned yet another hobby because I am much more skilled at it, but recently it's been going into a very similar trajectory with my drawing habit.

I remember I didn't have these problems when I was just a kid. None of this was an issue. I could just do things.. and it was all magical. My life situation wasn't even that super - I wasn't that disciplined, I didn't have much control over my life, but I always remember enjoying everything. My seemingly good life now in comparison just feels awful. 

You are currently identified with the roles. If you love drawing, then just draw and love drawing. It’s something you do, not something you are. The minute you start identifying yourself as “an artist”, you have attached your self worth to your interest, and the magic is lost. 

I'm considering breaking all of these habits, except for meditation and journaling and exercising. I've noticed after about 55 days of NoFap now that I've been feeling even more numb than ever.

Disidentify from the body, but don’t suppress the body. There is a “part” of you that will not be at peace until you are fully knowing who you really are. There is also a “part” of yourself which is perfectly designed for fapping, and sexual relationships. Denying the natural expression of yourself is suppressing. 

I'm seriously considering breaking that streak,

Nobody’s keeping track dude. Nobody cares. You are free to do with that thing whatever you like. The issue at hand is judging, and criticizing. 

even though it does seem to have a few benefits, but none I've noticed recently. My thought process is that instead of completely ridding myself of bad habits, I might just practice them in moderation.. but I'm not sure if that would even work.

You’re judging the habits as “bad”, but you’re really just judging yourself. To bare this judgement, the mind creates “the separate self”. Then “you” seem to be the “you” in thought - and that creates a thought loop, which is broken by no longer identifying as the body.

The bottom line here is that it feels like I've tried everything,

Try nothing - actual proper meditation. Not as a task on a checklist, not as a means to and end.  

and done the stuff that will supposedly make me happy, but nothing seems to work.

That is priceless experience. Now you know a lot about what won’t work, and a ton more about what you want. 

 

 

[crimson_chess]

@Sahil Pandit

Thank you so much! I think that I was having a low day and was feeling just a lot worse than I normally do. I'm starting to implement positive thinking and just trying to enjoy life more. I think you're right that if I just keep going things will get better.

[crimson_chess]

@Nahm Thank you for writing such a lengthy response! I'll definitely try using a vision board. Could you explain a little about what "fear of feeling your feelings" is? 

When you said "Try nothing - actual proper meditation. Not as a task on a checklist, not as a means to and end." -- How do I go about doing this? I feel like it would be hard to do this spontaneously because meditation isn't always the most exciting thing for me. 

Also, how do I use a vision board without becoming too neurotic? I've tried making something similar in the past - not really a vision board, but I journal, and I write down my goals - something similar to what one might do in the first stage of what Leo suggests doing in "Life Unfolds in Chapters and Phases." I've tried this multiple times but I always end up trying to find the most efficient, best path to the end. It's usually anywhere from a couple weeks to a couple months into this new goal where I realize that I absolutely hate the process. I see that I'm doing it, but it's so much easier for me to substitute fun now for fun in the future because then I don't have to worry about making myself happy and fulfilled now - if that makes any sense.

Finally - I understand that I need to stop feeling guilty and judgemental and other bad thought patterns, but how do I do that? Will meditation solve those problems? 

 

Sorry for asking so many questions. 

Thank you again.

 

[Nahm]

25 minutes ago, crimson_chess said:

Could you explain a little about what "fear of feeling your feelings" is? 

We place conditions on happiness. “I can be happy if I have x, or if this person would just x,” etc. Our inner being is radiant infinite love, so it does not feel good to say “I am not happiness, I need something before I can be happy”. We ignore the feeling, rather than feeling the message of the feeling, which is that what we are thinking, isn’t true. Carry that out months, years, etc...and we are so used to ignoring our inner being, true happiness, that we just figure “I feel like this because of the world, circumstances, what people do or say, etc”. But nothing ever changed. The “bad feeling” was thought, perspective, and the awareness of the thoughts is always the true being, love. 

When you said "Try nothing - actual proper meditation. Not as a task on a checklist, not as a means to and end." -- How do I go about doing this? I feel like it would be hard to do this spontaneously because meditation isn't always the most exciting thing for me. 

Check out the link in my signature line for info on meditations. It’s for letting go, relaxing, clearing the mind, etc. If you don’t want to as there is something more exciting you want to do, then do that. 

Also, how do I use a vision board without becoming too neurotic?

Meditation is great to let overthinking, and all thinking, go. You don’t need to think through the “how’s” of what you want on your board. You don’t need to know what will happen next. Just get a board, and allow the feeling good of the choosing to begin. One step at a time is plenty. 

I've tried making something similar in the past - not really a vision board, but I journal, and I write down my goals - something similar to what one might do in the first stage of what Leo suggests doing in "Life Unfolds in Chapters and Phases." I've tried this multiple times but I always end up trying to find the most efficient, best path to the end. It's usually anywhere from a couple weeks to a couple months into this new goal where I realize that I absolutely hate the process. I see that I'm doing it, but it's so much easier for me to substitute fun now for fun in the future because then I don't have to worry about making myself happy and fulfilled now - if that makes any sense.

Feelings aren’t in a “future”, or a story about a “future”. Life without feeling, doesn’t feel good. 

‘Worrying about making yourself happy and fulfilled now’, is a thought, a condition. Let it go. 

Finally - I understand that I need to stop feeling guilty and judgemental and other bad thought patterns, but how do I do that?

Notice you are unconsciously choosing thoughts that don’t feel good. Choose consciously, what feels good. 

Will meditation solve those problems? 

There is no problem. Meditation is great for letting thinking go. 

Sorry for asking so many questions. 

Not at all! ♥️??