Trip report Ayahuasca. I am mindfucked..

[lostmedstudent]

I attended an Ayahuasca ceremony last weekend, which was my second time drinking Ayahuasca tea.

It was a religious ceremony so there was some chanting and question/answers periods, but I was so totally absorbed in my trip that I wasn’t able to pay attention to any of those.

This trip was a TOTAL MIND FUCK. I was so mind-fucked I do not even know where to begin, or how to  put anything in words. I remember during the peak of the trip, I kept repeating in my head: what was seen cannot be unseen, and ignorance is bliss.

 

I had a bad trip last April during which I was sent to the hospital. In that trip, I was not sure whether I was alive or not. I felt that I was everyone and anyone at the same time. It took me months to overcome that bad trip. The reason that I am mentioning that is because as I began to feel the effect of the tea, it connected right with the last trip. The two trips merged and became one. It made so much sense how it connected and how this is the obvious path down the road. I felt stuck in this loop, the loop of trying to pursue the truth.

I was then hit with the feeling that EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE. I cannot even tell you what made sense exactly, but I just kept repeating of course, of course.. But of course… of course I drank the tea to experience this, of course I had the bad trip, of course! I understood everything, EVERYTHING. Or so it felt.

I understood what Leo has been saying all along. I understood every awakened trip reports I have read. I felt the circular nature of life. I realized that I HAVE NEVER lived. The realizing felt SO REAL, so convincing and life as I knew felt like a joke. I thought of my boyfriend and my parents and how they did not really exist. There really is only me. I saw it SO CLEAR that I can only repeat: but why, what ? Why? How? Ok but why? I wished I did not know. I wished that I did not take that tea. 

I also felt clairvoyant. I knew I wouldn’t believe what I experienced once I "come back" and I would be posting on the forum and asking questions but the answers seemed so obvious to me at the moment. And I knew there was NO WAY to explain this to anyone. That’s what I have been doing all my life, and that’s what ill keep doing, and that’s what everyone will keep doing, one way or another : pursue the truth.

 

Once I was "convinced" that It has been me all along and all will merge with truth eventually, I saw life as no point. I felt that there was no point in doing anything at all. Nothing matters in this game called life, it literally , truthfully did not matter. Theres no point in asking any questions because I have all the answers in that moment, no point in judging, no point in hating or helping. 

 

The comedown was surprisingly smooth. However, I had this intense burn/hot/warm/energetic sensation in the perineum that was slightly uncomfortable.

As expected, as the trip subsided, my life felt more real than that "experience". I only remember how convincing those realizations were, but they did not stick, and I am already doubting if that was just a dream.

 

I did not feel being one with the universe or awakened.

I think I was mindfucked more than anything.

 

My main questionning is:

how do I know if those realizations are absolute truth (as they undoubtingly were during the trip) or another belief/idea? Because it seems like they are highly influenced by what I have been fed such as "this is all imaginary" or "life is a loop" or "I never lived"..

How come they felt SO REAL , and now I can barely remember it?

 

any other pointers for me ?

 

Thank you all for your help.

Edited October 24, 2019 by lostmedstudent

[Forestluv]

1 hour ago, lostmedstudent said:

My main questionning is:

how do I know if those realizations are absolute truth (as they undoubtingly were during the trip) or another belief/idea? Because it seems like they are highly influenced by what I have been fed such as "this is all imaginary" 

Beautiful report, thank you.

After such a mind expanding experience, the mind will attempt to make sense of it within a finite mind. It will create a contextualized experience. This can have practical value at the human level, yet keep in mind it is a contextualization. As well, it could have little practical value to the human. I have a shelf full of whacky psychedelic experiences I never fully integrated

The Aya experience is Truth and a non-Aya experience is Truth. By asking asking whether the realizations are Truth or a belief/idea or imaginary is creating a duality. The psychedelic experience is as True as the sober experience. 

My second Aya ceremony was also "out-of-this-world, where do I even begin?". Yet I knew it was as real as sober reality. I just knew. I didn't need any verification or proof. There was simply Knowing, prior to constructs of truth, belief, idea etc. Yet, it still felt like another world. Gradually, with integration, the two worlds moved closer and closer together until they became One. 

Personally, I find sensational psychedelics with strong visuals to be mind expanding, yet a distraction to Absolute Truth. For me, 5-meo is the clearest. 

[Leo Gura]

That was Absolute Consciousness. That was as real as it gets.

Everything you realized was the highest truth. But it's too much for you to handle in one trip. You will needdozens of trips to make sense of it all. There are still facets you're missing and things go even deeper.

Keep tripping and asking questions and one day you will understand why you created all this: LOVE!

The mindfuck gets deeper from here

[zeroISinfinity]

@lostmedstudent YOU and your Infinite Love. 

Get ready for Biggest mindfuck of them All. This right Here is Absolute state of Conciousness hahaha. 

But yes there is only You and that crushes you. You get Self as eternal reward from This work which is Just Remembering in a sense. 

Without ego /separated self THIS pretty rapidly becomes What it really is. 

Edited October 24, 2019 by zeroISinfinity

[Eu Sint]

What you call a bad trip is actually a good trip, but because your mind is not mature enough, you have interpreted it as a bad trip.It was too much for your current level of understanding.  You are Everyone, Everything and Nothing in the same tine , this is The Truth.  Now there will be a process of integration of this realisation gained from these experiences.Stay vigilant and  keep investigate everything.In the next trip you will see much more clearly from a different perspective.

[inFlow]

7 hours ago, lostmedstudent said:

How come they felt SO REAL , and now I can barely remember it?

 

Consciousness fell down to your base line (a little higher than it was) and you are not able to see what you seen in that peak Consciousness trip. The only key to these realizations is CONSCIOUSNESS. That's why Leo always talks about increasing your consciousness.

7 hours ago, lostmedstudent said:

Nothing matters in this game called life

Ahh the game realization is so deep, but it's one of the first realizations of many that you had to awake to. There is so much more..

I could only advise you to start doing Kriya Yoga, it will not only increase your levels of consciousness that you could be in a permanent non-dual state of awareness, but it also will heal your body through your energy centers (chakras).

[inFlow]

@lostmedstudent
 

I drew a graph representing an idea how it works, the line which curves is your level of consciousness. The peak experience you went through were when you were on ayahuasca the fat line in the middle is the level of consciousness that you get awakenings etc.

Hope this helps.

Edited October 24, 2019 by inFlow
mild edit

[lostmedstudent]

@Serotoninluv thanks

i find ayahuasca to have very little visuals. It wasn’t distracting 

but of course!  both ayahuasca and non ayahuasca as real!!! I just cannot realize it yet 

yes, I am definitely trying to make sense of it and the more I think of it, and the more time has passed, the more crazy (less real) it seems. 
 

[lostmedstudent]

@Eu Sint thank you!

during the trip I thought : no more psychedelics, I have seen enough ??

but the curiosity killed the cat. I will definitely be going back as now there’s no return to the old self  

 

However the experience was too abstract that I cannot integrate it at all to my day to day life 

[inFlow]

@lostmedstudent I can say from my own path that you will go a crazy road which will seem as non real etc., but in the end you will come back to reality, but you will merge both the unreal and the real into one.

[lostmedstudent]

@inFlow

wow I like the graph, thanks !!

it also makes sense why it’s so hard to believe that experienced even happened after we come down to the baseline 

 

[inFlow]

@lostmedstudent No problem, hope this helps you to understand why sometimes you are "seeing" things and sometimes you aren't. It's just the matter what you consciousness level is. It's the only key to know everything in life.

[DrewNows]

Hey ? I commend your courage to trip again and return to the state that sent you to the hospital. This year I had my 2nd mushroom trip (also my 3rd and 4th) but it had been over 3 years since my first nightmare trip and I also had to return back into insanity to see it for what it is. Expansion is inevitable, I don’t even think about how to integrate. Trust yourself (source) and observe thought/self 

[zeroISinfinity]

But since Source is in everything you are always enlightened with Infinite Love from All that is you. Just to calm @Nahm down. See God is not deluded.

Good boy. ♥️

[Eu Sint]

In my case there were only 4 trips with ayahuasca and 2 with 5 meo dmt, divided into two intensive sessions, two days in a row. In my case it seems to have been enough.In the first day ayahuasca , the next day, at noon ,5 meo dmt and on the evening ayahuasca again.But between the first two-day ceremony and the second one, I let it go, two months. With ayahuasca I experienced everything as a dream full of vividly colored shapes that unfolded in a fractalic continuity without end accompanied by strong emotions.Subject duality was still present. And with 5 meo dmt, everything was non-dual, clear and without visions, just pure consciousness.But what I want to emphasize, is the importance of the integration process that follows the experience and not the trip itself.It differs from one character to another depending on the power of each assimilation and of course the level of each consciousness. In this process of assimilation practically the consciousness changes the way it vibrates.Pay attention to that.For me this process lasted two years, in which I oscillated between "madness" and pure consciousness, metaphorically speaking. Some may take longer for some less ,depending on the capacity of each assimilation.So do not give up, stay on the path, BUT manage everything with wisdom and compassion, listen and let your intuition guide you, and filter everything through the filter of spiritual discernment. And maybe, why not , you can introduce some meditation practice.I hope this motivates you and like someone said here , be ready for more mindfuck.?

[lostmedstudent]

@DrewNows thank you!

 

and to everyone who responded to my thread @Eu Sint @inFlow @Serotoninluv @zeroISinfinity

 

do you ever regret taking the first step and got you deep down this rabbit hole?

[Forestluv]

14 minutes ago, lostmedstudent said:

do you ever regret taking the first step and got you deep down this rabbit hole?

No, not the first step. 

[mandyjw]

On 10/24/2019 at 10:23 AM, lostmedstudent said:

However the experience was too abstract that I cannot integrate it at all to my day to day life 

Careful saying things like that to yourself, you can! 

I'm curious, was there an underlying emotional quality, a specific feeling the trip had? You know how when you wake up from a dream and you remember the feeling but not the content? Something like that? 

[lostmedstudent]

@Serotoninluv but the subsequent ones ?

[lostmedstudent]

@mandyjw i felt dumbfounded during the peak. Just awestruck and mind blown. Maybe a little sad too. I felt like crying, but the second i wanted to cry, it felt like I’ve cried a thousands times and tears have dried. 
 

No fear or joy though