How to communicate our development to the Family?

[Moses]

Hello all ?

I find it difficult to communicate with my family in an authentic, honest and healthy manner.

It all started when I decided not to the University and follow the autodidact path.
my family sees my decisions as irresponsible and naive.. they worry a lot.
things escalated more when I decided to go Vegan about a year ago..
they don't understand/accept my choices and I always find myself hopeless/speechless when we talk about my life (for a long time now, 90% of our conversations surround about the way I choose to run my life).

I understand that their perspective is different and I acknowledge that most of their worries come from their love for me.
recently,  I have improved a lot when it comes to not judging people and I manage to remain patient & understanding around different people and friends.
but how should I approach my family? they are my family and I want to stay truly connected to them..

here are some examples so you will get the vibe:
when I stay at my parents house, I "hide" and lock the door when meditating..
recently my brother invited me to a drink and when I refused explaining him that I am preparing for an upcoming Vipassana retreat, he burst out laughing in my face.
I try to imagine @Leo Gura coming with full radical honesty to his family.. telling them about using psychedelics for example, and I am like.. how?!

For a short time I thought that maybe by explaining them what is happening to me using the Spiral Dynamics model, would be a good idea. but then I remembered that people at different stages just won't understand or will interpret it through their lenses.

I want them to understand me.
One can find friends and community of people who share his worldview, but you can't choose/change your family.
How do you deal with this kind of frustration?

Thank you ?

 

[Hello from Russia]

I'm almost in the same exact situation as you, brother, you're not alone!  I even opened a thread recently which is very simillar to yours. I think the solution is to not cast the pearls before the swines as Jesus said. In this case, our relatives are big swines.

 

Edited October 22, 2019 by Hello from Russia

[Moses]

@Hello from Russia we definitely face a similar dilemma.!  if you come from a russian family.. well so do I. ??‍♂️

even if we completey drop all the judgements toward our close ones and we accept their views.. they still don't accept ours.. what should we do? break off contact? ignore what they are saying? act fake around them? stay quiet and stop sharing our life experiences witht them? 

there must be an healthy solution ??

Edited October 22, 2019 by Moses

[Andrewww]

I think they're dismissing what you do because they do not see how doing what you do would BENEFIT THEM an so they see it as absurd (like veganism/meditation). They've yet to reach the conclusion you've reached because they haven't taken the steps you have.

Also people don't fear the unknown they fear what they project into the unknown (otherwise babies would be scared all the time). So they may be projecting negative things an so they avoid doing what you do so of course they're against it.

The majority of actions someone takes is because they're convinced on some level it's going to lead them to a better feeling.

Convince them of the benefits they'll gain. Maybe in a more "beautiful" way say yes I get it's a lot easier to want to change the world than to want to change oneself but doing it to yourself can lead to higher quality of life an so I do what I do. If you don't try it out you will never know what you may of been missing out on. 

 

 

[Moses]

@Andrewww Thank you for the reply,

I am not sure how preaching stage green and above values to a mostly stage blue people, would be effective..
we communicate on a different frequency.

Maybe their is a way to convince them through a blue person's lens of the world.. but I have no idea how 

[Sahil Pandit]

@Moses In all honesty, i believe that if they are at stage blue development, there is little hope in regards to them understand what you do and why you do it.

Based on my experience, the only thing you can do is lead by example. Go full into consciousness work and lead by example. Work on how you judge, blame, avoid responsibility, that way they do it less often. 

Become independent so that they can respect you more. Do your best and don't rely on them.

I feel for you. You can't raise someone's else's consciousness. They have to want to do this work. 99.9% are not willing to do so...

[Andrewww]

@Moses Blue people think in black n white heaven/hell.  Things are either bad or good. So try to avoid getting into a creative/nuanced-gray area. They will start dogmaticallly barking at you. 

The fastest way to change a person's view is to blow their mind/heart. The only solution I see is to lure them in step by step which would be by slipping in higher consciousness insights in conversations in a way they'll understand. It's a slow process to be honest.

One example I can think of is school shooters. Maybe saying this will help. Imagine this: if you put a frog in a pot of boiling hot water it will instantly jump out, but if you put a frog in a pot of regular temperature water and slowly turn up the heat the frog will get cooked without noticing. An what that is suppose to mean is that since people are products of their past what they have are psychological adaptions. 

Many blue people might say oh he's awful put the shooter into jail and throw away the key! However what they don't get is... people feel significant from either being loved, liked, adored, an if that doesn't happen then they feel significant by feeling feared, hated, and disliked. These people instead of feel celebrated feel tolerated for a long time an through feeling awful eventually get thoughts like "I want to kill you" an then their actions show it. Happy people don't do dark actions. Dark actions originate from dark emotions.

Here's a example of multi-perspective for racists. Imagine a room that's painted white, all the walls no furniture it's all white. You get use to it now all of a sudden a black stripe shows up on the wall and you're like "whoa that's black." Now imagine a room that's completely painted black, your eyes get use to it now imagine a white stripe showing up an you're like "whoa that's white". What this example is suppose to represent is if you're white and everyone you know is white and all of a sudden you see a person with darker skin, and vice versa you're black nearly everyone who you have ever known was black an you're seeing a lighter skin person. Their biological self-bias is playing on their perception of reality. This might make them question hmm... maybe my perspective is only true if I see it through my perspective but with multiple perspectives what is really true?

 

Edited October 22, 2019 by Andrewww

[Moreira]

dont talk about any self actualized topic to your family and friends, they wont understand that and youll be labeled as the "crazy" of the family.

[Moses]

@Sahil Pandit @Andrewww
My main issue is not failing to raise my family's levels of development\consciousness,
my problem is how can I be truly open with them?

@Sahil Pandit 
you said "don't rely on them".
contemplating on these words.. deepens my realization of how all of my unauthentic relationship with them may really hinder my growth.
 

@Moreira
So how do you communicate with your family? 
I perceive "self actualization" as a way of life.. not just a 'topic'.

 

Edited October 22, 2019 by Moses

[Andrewww]

@Moses Sometimes it means to be willing to get a negative reaction. Unconditional love/acceptance is basically nonduality. Most aren't there. An many aren't even willing to hold space for discussing topics that make them feel uncomfortable. If you're close with them they might hold space for uncomfortable topics but if not then I would read into conflict resolution/anger management skills so you could bring the conversation to peace. Otherwise I personally don't see it happening but that doesn't mean there isn't a way to make it happen.

[Moses]

34 minutes ago, Andrewww said:

@Moses Sometimes it means to be willing to get a negative reaction. Unconditional love/acceptance is basically nonduality. Most aren't there. An many aren't even willing to hold space for discussing topics that make them feel uncomfortable. If you're close with them they might hold space for uncomfortable topics but if not then I would read into conflict resolution/anger management skills so you could bring the conversation to peace. Otherwise I personally don't see it happening but that doesn't mean there isn't a way to make it happen.

thank you!