30 Days of Learning to Trust Myself

[Charl]

Up until now, I always worked from the paradigm 'There is something wrong with me, I need to fix myself'. I have had success on the self-improvement path but it is time to let it go.

What would I do if everything with me was right?

I would listen to myself for guidance.

I would listen to what I wanted to do and would try to understand why.

I would see my negative emotions as a messenger for my needs not being met.

I would relax, knowing that insights will just come to me.

I would be humbled by myself and would support me.

30 Days of Learning to Trust Myself

As long as it is feels relevant, I will write about my journey and discoveries.

Edited October 22, 2019 by Charl

[tastefullyoverdone]

Sounds like a beautiful plan! You are supported and loved by the Universe! You're a masterpiece, mastering peace!

[Charl]

@tastefullyoverdone  Thank you so much for your encouragement! Today was quite hard for me and your comment made me feel very supported.

Monday 10/22/19

I woke up feeling quite hopeless. I had planned to get my studying done right after my morning routine but dreaded it, as I felt quite worried about life and generally did not feel very inspired. My tendency to want to self-improve or fix myself is very strong and I think I applied that tactic to the self love path now. This made me afraid of thinking because I tell myself that it is not okay to want to fix myself, that it is not okay to encourage me and cheer myself up, that it is not okay to do things to make me feel better. It's okay. I love and nurture the part of me that wants to fix myself. I love and nurture the part of me that just wants me to feel better. I love and nurture the part of me that ultimately knows that I should live a life that is so much more.

I ended up not getting any studying done and instead went to sleep for about 2h, watched The Perception Trainers on YouTube and got some chores around the house done. I felt very anxious and fearful because I felt like life was slipping away and that I would never get anything done. I felt like I have to constantly uphold some kind of construct in my head, because ultimately I still feel like I am wrong. That is okay, honey. I love and nurture the part of me that believes I am wrong, I know that you are here to protect me. If everything was right with me, I would just think about what I felt like thinking. I would encourage myself when I felt like doing that.

It all feels very new to me. I am worried that I am doing things wrong. I am exhausted. I am worried that my life will break apart and that I will just end up staying in my bed all day. But I know that this is not true. I am changing my beliefs on a fundamental life and it is normal that fears come up. That does not mean I'm wrong. That does not mean I'm bad. Now go off and live freely, don't have a care in the world of what you should do, think and feel freely.

[Charl]

I feel like I cracked the code.

The last few days have been quite intense and many areas where I was misaligned with reality showed up for me. For the past four days I allowed myself to just do what I felt like doing and simply observed. I reminded myself that I am worthy of my love, no matter what I am or do and that the human is a perfect creation, a sophisticated system doing everything for a reason. I spent most of my lying in bed, just being with myself and my emotions but I also watched a lot of The Perception Trainers on YouTube. This was an extremely radical process for me, as I always believed that the human is of animalistic nature and that I need to control myself in order to evolve. I have gained many insights and am very proud of myself that I took this leap.

Lesson #1

My thoughts flow naturally. In order to gain new insights I don't need to try to 'figure it out', 'fix it' or analyze anything. I am perfect and I evolve through the feeding of information, which is the same as love. I am already my higher self, constantly evolving. I can simply have loving awareness for myself, and life will carry me. This was a major thing I was struggling before. I was constantly analyzing what I was doing/thinking, to the point where I was not even able to focus on my university lectures anymore.

Lesson #2

The only reason I go to university is because of my parents. This is not a huge concern, as circumstances don't determine my happiness. After watching a video by The Perception Trainers ('Why The Thing You Hate Most About Your Life Is Your Biggest Blessing') I feel excited about the idea of allowing yourself to exist in the frequency that matches who you know yourself to be (the feeling I have in my visualisation practice) in a situation that I resist. This may sound contrary to the idea of 'I am perfect in this moment' which suggests accepting your emotions but I see it as an evolution. I was perfect before when I listened to my emotions and now after having received new information I am perfect in allowing myself to exist in a joyful vibration while acknowledging and nurturing my emotions. This is a bit of spiritual gymnastics, again, I am just excited to play with this teaching. The more profound relief from this lesson is the acceptance that university is the reality for me right now, even though it is not my passion.

Lesson #3

Discipline and commitments is necessary. Although I learned more about myself in the past few days than ever before, I realized that just following what you feel like doing is not a sustainable way of living. I am not completely sure why. One idea is based around being in a state of love/fear. In a state of love we evolve, in a state of fear we devolve. Constantly forcing yourself to do things you don't want to do puts you in a state of fear but so does just following your momentarily likings, as you are literally at the mercy of your emotions. Discipline and commitment can be great tools to achieve peace of mind. I am still not at the point where I have integrated doing what I feel like doing and commitments. For now I have established my usual morning routine again, but I will keep it flexible if other things come up. I will also use discipline to focus on my tasks.

 

I am very pleased with myself for having gained these insights, but the main part of the work is going to be actually applying these lessons to my life.

 

 

[tastefullyoverdone]

Love your insights!

The more you learn to trust your guidance from the universe, the easier it will be to bail on things that don't align with your higher self (university) and go do whatever your heart desires. Follow your passion and excitement, they are the breadcrumbs leading to THE WAY. It takes the death of the ego to break the chains of familial obligations (like going to university because that's what they want/society expects) but the more you chase consciousness, the more you'll see that true happiness is only found in doing what feels great. It doesn't owe a single moment to another person's expectations.

Just wanted to say that so you can see how you're actually defying yourself in order to please something outside yourself. Hopefully once you're done university you will stop appeasing others who are dictating the plan for your life.

[Charl]

@tastefullyoverdone  Yes, that relates a lot to my experiences! The more I awaken the less I get tangled up in pleasing others because I can see my path much clearer.

An interesting thing happened a few days ago. My housemates were throwing a party and even though I knew that it didn't want to attend, I was still hoping that approval and attention will make me feel better. At the party I felt kind of numb and ended up breaking my sobriety. I clearly saw that happiness will never come from the outside and that truth is the only thing worth pursuing. I like the quote from the perception trainers 'For a while death is going to feel like life, and life is going to feel like death'. The more I get tangled up in approval seeking (what feels like life in that moment) the more I get thrown off center and need coping mechanisms (death).

I am grateful for my realisation and I can clearly see the changes in my life. I have more vigor and life just feels a lot fresher and juicier and I gravitate towards fresher, more alkanine food as well. But I am still sad because I don't see the truth about approval seeking that clearly anymore.

 

 

Edited November 6, 2019 by Charl

[Charl]

Over the past weeks I have been soaking up a lot of spiritual information (mainly 'the perception trainers' on YouTube). I definitely overdid it though and tried to apply everything all at once which led to a few crazy breakdowns I am ready to do things properly and to change my beliefs slowly and steadily, being gentle with myself.

I started reading 'the transformation series' from the perception trainers again, which I funnily read over 1.5 years ago already. I dismissed it at the time because seeking external change still felt too real to me. I am excited to get back into it but I am also doubting myself. What if thsi is just another thing you are adding to your tools? What if you are not ready, what if you are moving too fast? The transformation series is basically all the information from the perception trainers put together in order so it's not even like I am jumoing into new tools but I am still questioning myself.

I highly recommend looking up The Perception Trainers on YouTube! As radical and effective as spirituality and personal growth can get imo.

 

[Charl]

@modmyth  Ahh, I just read through your journal it's honestly so cool! Yes, definitely when it comes to self-love I literally feel like a toddler trying to walk for the first time. Thank you so much for your encouragement!

[Charl]

Transformation Series (by The Perception Trainers)

Part 1: Awareness

Practicing awareness comes easy to me. I often worry though that I don't do it correctly or that I am not going deep enough. Over the last few days I have been mainly focusing on awareness which makes me feel stable and calm. I also don't feel like I am going anywhere though. I feel like the mud has settled but like I am still there where I always was.