NPD, sexoholism, purpose

[tsuki]

The difference between Red and Blue is not reliance on belief, but rather the basis for human interaction.
The bottom line for Red is violence (physical or emotional) that resolves conflicts when civil communication fails.
The bottom line for Blue is the Law - the always-present ability and willingness to discern right from wrong - which is the doorway to the unity with God.

The idea that Blue follows God out of fear for eternal damnation is somewhat true, but it is also something Blue does willingly.
To deliberately betray the Law is to discard a piece of yourself, to stray away from God, and suffer.
Supposedly, the individual soul after death of the body is perfect (incapable of making an erroneous decision divergent from its true will). Becoming a person that commits evil willingly creates a soul that believes its self-sufficiency. This belief is hatred for God and evil souls choose to hate without possibility for re-evaluation. Hell is nothing else than the eternal presence of God you hate and is experienced as the metaphorical "flames". The opposite is true for those in heaven where the "fire" is experienced as love. Suffering and happiness come from within as your soul's experience of Truth/God and this holds true before and after the death of the body.

At least, that's my current state of understanding.

Edited January 3, 2020 by tsuki

[tsuki]

Today I realized just how much time alone I spent as a kid, waiting for my parents to get home from work.
At some point, I found a TV channel with erotic advertisements and learned to masturbate.
I also remember finding an advertisement in TV guide for a phone line with dirty talk.
Of course, I did that when I was alone at home and that is how I learned to "treat" loneliness/abandonment with porn.
Fantasizing about being desired by women seems like a fitting replacement for motherly affection that I lacked.

I have no idea how to feed the attention-starved kid in me, now that I know that it's hungry.
I'll have to ask my therapist. I don't want any more tantrums.

Edited January 5, 2020 by tsuki

[tsuki]

Quote

1 Be careful to follow every command I am giving you today, so that you may live and increase and may enter and possess the land the LORD promised on oath to your ancestors. 

2 Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the wilderness these forty years, to humble and test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. 

3 He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your ancestors had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD. 

4 Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years. 

5 Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the LORD your God disciplines you. 

6 Observe the commands of the LORD your God, walking in obedience to him and revering him. 

7 For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land—a land with brooks, streams, and deep springs gushing out into the valleys and hills; 

8 a land with wheat and barley, vines and fig trees, pomegranates, olive oil and honey; 

9 a land where bread will not be scarce and you will lack nothing; a land where the rocks are iron and you can dig copper out of the hills. 

10 When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the LORD your God for the good land he has given you. 

11 Be careful that you do not forget the LORD your God, failing to observe his commands, his laws and his decrees that I am giving you this day. 

12 Otherwise, when you eat and are satisfied, when you build fine houses and settle down, 

13 and when your herds and flocks grow large and your silver and gold increase and all you have is multiplied, 

14 then your heart will become proud and you will forget the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. 

15 He led you through the vast and dreadful wilderness, that thirsty and waterless land, with its venomous snakes and scorpions. He brought you water out of hard rock. 

16 He gave you manna to eat in the wilderness, something your ancestors had never known, to humble and test you so that in the end it might go well with you. 

17 You may say to yourself, “My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me.” 

18 But remember the LORD your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your ancestors, as it is today. 

19 If you ever forget the LORD your God and follow other gods and worship and bow down to them, I testify against you today that you will surely be destroyed. 

20 Like the nations the LORD destroyed before you, so you will be destroyed for not obeying the LORD your God.

The Book of Deuteronomy, 8.

Edited January 7, 2020 by tsuki

[tsuki]

Quote

1 Hear, Israel: You are now about to cross the Jordan to go in and dispossess nations greater and stronger than you, with large cities that have walls up to the sky. 

2 The people are strong and tall—Anakites! You know about them and have heard it said: “Who can stand up against the Anakites?” 

3 But be assured today that the LORD your God is the one who goes across ahead of you like a devouring fire. He will destroy them; he will subdue them before you. And you will drive them out and annihilate them quickly, as the LORD has promised you. 

4 After the LORD your God has driven them out before you, do not say to yourself, “The LORD has brought me here to take possession of this land because of my righteousness.” No, it is on account of the wickedness of these nations that the LORD is going to drive them out before you. 

5 It is not because of your righteousness or your integrity that you are going in to take possession of their land; but on account of the wickedness of these nations, the LORD your God will drive them out before you, to accomplish what he swore to your fathers, to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. 

6 Understand, then, that it is not because of your righteousness that the LORD your God is giving you this good land to possess, for you are a stiff-necked people.

7 Remember this and never forget how you aroused the anger of the LORD your God in the wilderness. From the day you left Egypt until you arrived here, you have been rebellious against the LORD. 

8 At Horeb you aroused the LORD’s wrath so that he was angry enough to destroy you. 

9 When I went up on the mountain to receive the tablets of stone, the tablets of the covenant that the LORD had made with you, I stayed on the mountain forty days and forty nights; I ate no bread and drank no water. 

10 The LORD gave me two stone tablets inscribed by the finger of God. On them were all the commandments the LORD proclaimed to you on the mountain out of the fire, on the day of the assembly. 

11 At the end of the forty days and forty nights, the LORD gave me the two stone tablets, the tablets of the covenant. 

12 Then the LORD told me, “Go down from here at once, because your people whom you brought out of Egypt have become corrupt. They have turned away quickly from what I commanded them and have made an idol for themselves.” 

13 And the LORD said to me, “I have seen this people, and they are a stiff-necked people indeed! 

14 Let me alone, so that I may destroy them and blot out their name from under heaven. And I will make you into a nation stronger and more numerous than they.” 

15 So I turned and went down from the mountain while it was ablaze with fire. And the two tablets of the covenant were in my hands. 

16 When I looked, I saw that you had sinned against the LORD your God; you had made for yourselves an idol cast in the shape of a calf. You had turned aside quickly from the way that the LORD had commanded you. 

17 So I took the two tablets and threw them out of my hands, breaking them to pieces before your eyes. 

18 Then once again I fell prostrate before the LORD for forty days and forty nights; I ate no bread and drank no water, because of all the sin you had committed, doing what was evil in the LORD’s sight and so arousing his anger. 

19 I feared the anger and wrath of the LORD, for he was angry enough with you to destroy you. But again the LORD listened to me. 

20 And the LORD was angry enough with Aaron to destroy him, but at that time I prayed for Aaron too. 

21 Also I took that sinful thing of yours, the calf you had made, and burned it in the fire. Then I crushed it and ground it to powder as fine as dust and threw the dust into a stream that flowed down the mountain. 

22 You also made the LORD angry at Taberah, at Massah and at Kibroth Hattaavah. 

23 And when the LORD sent you out from Kadesh Barnea, he said, “Go up and take possession of the land I have given you.” But you rebelled against the command of the LORD your God. You did not trust him or obey him. 

24 You have been rebellious against the LORD ever since I have known you. 

25 I lay prostrate before the LORD those forty days and forty nights because the LORD had said he would destroy you. 

26 I prayed to the LORD and said, “Sovereign LORD, do not destroy your people, your own inheritance that you redeemed by your great power and brought out of Egypt with a mighty hand. 

27 Remember your servants Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Overlook the stubbornness of this people, their wickedness and their sin. 

28 Otherwise, the country from which you brought us will say, ‘Because the LORD was not able to take them into the land he had promised them, and because he hated them, he brought them out to put them to death in the wilderness.’ 

29 But they are your people, your inheritance that you brought out by your great power and your outstretched arm.”

The Book of Deuteronomy, 9.

Edited January 7, 2020 by tsuki

[Bill W]

Hello my friend. 

Thanks for those posts from the Bible. I am slowly making my way through the Bible. In the last few months I feel I have found God. 

Hang in there. 

[tsuki]

@Bill W You're welcome.

I'm currently learning to communicate with my inner child per John Bradshaw's method described in his book titled "Homecoming". It's a dialog between the conscious you and the inner child using a diary. The inner child is asked to write with your non-dominant hand.

It turns out that my inner child is very bored with the Bible, especially with the Book of Leviticus and The Book of Numbers. I'm very happy that I bought the Bible and I can't wait to read it, but I can't keep my focus for more than a page or two. After that, I'm just trying to make progress without actually understanding what is being said. Reading out loud seems to help, but my wife is getting annoyed with all the cruelty.

The child told me that it likes to draw, so we made a promise and sat down today before going to work.
Here's what we drew (with our left hand!):

[mandyjw]

I've read the gospels, Proverbs, Ecclesiastes several times, but never made it through the entire Old Testament. The Bible is a collection of books, not a book that needs to be read start to cover. I'm not sure what your intention is but there's nothing wrong with reading the more applicable ones first or just gravitating to the ones that resonate with you at the time. 

[tsuki]

39 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

The Bible is a collection of books, not a book that needs to be read start to cover. I'm not sure what your intention is but there's nothing wrong with reading the more applicable ones first or just gravitating to the ones that resonate with you at the time. 

I want to read the entire Bible because I know that it's very interconnected internally and I want to understand its symbolism.
The Bible is the basis for our culture and it introduced A LOT of stuff that is completely taken for granted nowadays.
It's fascinating to read about the ways of these people and infer how their lives looked like before the Lord gave the commandments.
My father used to criticize God the Father for being cruel for killing animals as offerings, completely missing the fact that the gold standard of worship back then was burning your children alive.

I think that I'm reacting against my Atheistic upbringing and trying to learn religion the way I think it should be done.
I want to learn its language and it takes volume and repetition to flesh the symbols out.

[mandyjw]

To me symbols are shown through intuition and resonance, and are meant for us and don't really have much importance beyond that. Reading the Bible was more of a personal journey than an intellectual one, and when things came together I saw the things I resonated with from it as prophesies and connections, and aspects of myself.

But there's nothing wrong with your intention, I just think you may be reading it with an atheistic mindset.  I also think there's definitely a lot of value to doing it that way, just we aware that the actual magic (and danger) of the Bible is that it is not understood objectively or historically. 

 

 

[Bill W]

I've only completed 4 of the 66 books in the Bible. But have only begun my new love affair with God, Jesus and Bible within the last few months. I most use the NLT version but some of the versus read a bit more powerful in the NIV or KJV. Horses for courses. 

Gospel of John - Loved it. Really good on summarising the story of Jesus. Very easy to read. Actually was a page turner for me. 

Book of James - Short and to the point. A great guide in relating to yourself and others. Very practical. I think you will love this book. A good road map for a recovering addict like myself. 

Book of Daniel - This is where the term into the Lions Den comes from I think. Great story about keeping Faith in difficult times and staying true to yourself.

Book of Job - Different style of book. Less narrative but super powerful. Again about how to keep Faith in very tough times. Word for word not as powerful for me as the other three but the overall message very powerful. Like a story of your worst nightmares coming true but it's not the end of the world and that you can survive anything if you choose to.

I tend to read the Bible in 20 minute chunks each night. There is not too much rhyme or reason is what order I am reading the 66 books. I'm going with the ones that are supposed to be related more to suffering and keeping faith but perhaps all 66 fit that criteria, I am not sure. I'm also sticking to the medium length or shorter books for now.

Book of Job took me longest to read thus far.

I try to meditate whilst reading. Focusing on the message. Using a pencil to highlight versus that directly speak to me.

[tsuki]

2 hours ago, mandyjw said:

But there's nothing wrong with your intention, I just think you may be reading it with an atheistic mindset.  I also think there's definitely a lot of value to doing it that way, just we aware that the actual magic (and danger) of the Bible is that it is not understood objectively or historically. 

Yes, I'm very aware of that. It's a journey of love and I don't believe that intellect is in its way.
I do believe that love and reason come hand in hand and I don't want to discard either. So far, it's coming along pretty well, actually!
I find tremendous joy in exploring the text, and praying! How can you pray if you don't understand what you are asking for, and why?

Why is there a reason to pray to God if He's benevolent, merciful and forgiving? Why not just sin? If Father is totally selfless, why won't He let us enter Heaven as sinners? Why God is a Trinity? What are the differences between manifestations of God? Why those manifestations of God are the manifestations that are present? What are angels? What is the relationship between an angel and your soul? Why do people speak to angels as if God was hearing through them? Are angels "parts" of God? Why are Christians so obsessed with blood? THERE ARE SO MANY QUESTIONS~!!! Ahem...

1 hour ago, Bill W said:

Book of Job - Different style of book. Less narrative but super powerful. Again about how to keep Faith in very tough times. Word for word not as powerful for me as the other three but the overall message very powerful. Like a story of your worst nightmares coming true but it's not the end of the world and that you can survive anything if you choose to.

The Book of Job was the first one I have ever read. I opened the Bible at random, and poof! Here it was. Very interesting.
It always made me wonder just why does God chat with Satan as if Satan was his adviser? Doesn't God despise Satan for rebelling?
It also makes me wonder whether God hates sinful men that rebel against him and worship false gods (as in the quotes I mentioned). So far, he has killed many thousands of his followers with plague, fire and earthquakes for disobedience. Is it really more merciful than just letting them worship false gods under a rock somewhere? It really paints an interesting picture of the relationship between love, mercy, anger, jealousy and force. 

Quote

"You shall not worship them or serve them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children, on the third and the fourth generations of those who hate Me,

Exodus 20:5

He makes a big point about his jealousy and adultery with other gods. Reading God as Truth gives an interesting interpretation of the two passages from the Book of Deuteronomy that I quoted. A perfect quote for a recovering narcissist .

Edited January 7, 2020 by tsuki

[Zigzag Idiot]

16 minutes ago, tsuki said:

Why is there a reason to pray to God if He's benevolent, merciful and forgiving? Why not just sin? If Father is totally selfless, why won't He let us enter Heaven as sinners? Why God is a Trinity? What are the differences between manifestations of God? Why those manifestations of God are the manifestations that are present? What are angels? What is the relationship between an angel and your soul?

"This is the difference between us and the angels. Angels are perfectly made and, therefore, naive and stupid; they can only do what they are made for. Humans have many more possibilities. There is more joy in heaven for one perfected human being than for a thousand angels. -From Ocke de Boer's Higher Being Bodies, page 102.

 

27 minutes ago, tsuki said:

He makes a big point about his jealousy and adultery with other gods. Reading God as Truth gives an interesting interpretation of the two passages from the Book of Deuteronomy that I quoted. A perfect quote for a recovering narcissist .

@tsuki  I have the veiw that technically we're all Narcissists. You're one of the kindest and good hearted of all us narcissist.

[mandyjw]

@tsuki Ok, I'll try to keep my prejudices about the old testament to myself. But dear Jesus, it gets boring and violent the further you go. It's a very strange combination. I have recently started taking Jesus' name in vain, in reaction to my Christian upbringing. Sometimes it's like "was that a prayer or a profanity?" I DON'T EVEN KNOW ANYMORE. Jesus take the wheel. 

[tsuki]

2 hours ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

"This is the difference between us and the angels. Angels are perfectly made and, therefore, naive and stupid; they can only do what they are made for. Humans have many more possibilities. There is more joy in heaven for one perfected human being than for a thousand angels. -From Ocke de Boer's Higher Being Bodies, page 102.

For some reason I feel uncomfortable thinking of angels as stupid or naive.

2 hours ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

@tsuki  I have the veiw that technically we're all Narcissists. You're one of the kindest and good hearted of all us narcissist.

Maybe I'm an angel? 

1 hour ago, mandyjw said:

@tsuki Ok, I'll try to keep my prejudices about the old testament to myself. But dear Jesus, it gets boring and violent the further you go. It's a very strange combination.

That's why historical context is important! It's only cruel in comparison to today's standards. Just think how it must have been like back then!
Maybe it is not violent, but merciful?

1 hour ago, mandyjw said:

I have recently started taking Jesus' name in vain, in reaction to my Christian upbringing. Sometimes it's like "was that a prayer or a profanity?" I DON'T EVEN KNOW ANYMORE. Jesus take the wheel. 

I am no fan of my own upbringing and I was an atheist!

Edited January 7, 2020 by tsuki

[mandyjw]

1 hour ago, tsuki said:

I am no fan of my own upbringing and I was an atheist!

Remember the insight of how we "chose", "imagined", "wrote the story of" our upbringing and past? Or did you not come along with me on that one? Whose history do you really want to know, whose history was actually merciful? 

[tsuki]

11 hours ago, mandyjw said:

Remember the insight of how we "chose", "imagined", "wrote the story of" our upbringing and past? Or did you not come along with me on that one? Whose history do you really want to know, whose history was actually merciful? 

I was not along with you on that one. I never really got what you meant.
I mean, I know that I imagined my past and that I repeat all of my thought-stories. I also know that my adventure into Bible is selfishly motivated.

I do want to know God the Father to understand Dad and fathership in general.

[mandyjw]

@tsuki When I wrote the first journal I made here, I made so many assumptions about the part you took in it. The law of attraction explained why, at first it wasn't an assumption, it was a complete and total knowing of an aspect, or a blindness to everything that didn't matter from the perspective of Source. You helped me to focus, and it grew bigger and bigger until it took over. I saw through the veil, I was seeing the glimpses into how perfectly planned my past was, how perfectly it had been designed (or creatively written) to lead me to that very moment. Remember the book theme? When it ended I was back to my human perspective and even though the feeling of bliss stuck around and my reality was shattered, coming back from that state was an awkward transition because my normal thought patterns were left to make sense of it and they made a lot of assumptions without discerning.

It's just like now, I can see flaws in my upbringing, I can see flaws in people and situations but I've had this experience of complete and total altered perception, and I know that I am creating the flaws through the filter of mind, and I know through focus they will cease to exist in my experience, and that my focus and experience is the creation of my reality itself. When I was writing the journal I assumed that your state of mind the entire time was the same as mine throughout and that's why everything that has happened since has been such a mind fuck. One assumption I made is that you had already had and fully understood the exact experience I was having then.

I know now that neither of the realities I experience can be assumed. I am left without ground, trying to navigate a world where I must make and be ready to throw away assumptions. By the way, I'm sorry about all the assumptions and misunderstandings. 

Anyway, that's why it's very interesting to me that you are reading this particular book and starting with the Old Testament God the Father. Just remember who (you) wrote it and that the book is not the book. Selfish is a good thing, at least it is when it's focused and without its assumptions about others. 

 

 

[tsuki]

@mandyjw I admire your ability to write with such color. 

13 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

When I wrote the first journal I made here, I made so many assumptions about the part you took in it. The law of attraction explained why, at first it wasn't an assumption, it was a complete and total knowing of an aspect, or a blindness to everything that didn't matter from the perspective of Source. You helped me to focus, and it grew bigger and bigger until it took over. I saw through the veil, I was seeing the glimpses into how perfectly planned my past was, how perfectly it had been designed (or creatively written) to lead me to that very moment. Remember the book theme? When it ended I was back to my human perspective and even though the feeling of bliss stuck around and my reality was shattered, coming back from that state was an awkward transition because my normal thought patterns were left to make sense of it and they made a lot of assumptions without discerning.

This experience was very special to me as well. I really wanted to awaken somebody and I was actually left believing that I have that kind of power. I was avoidant because of that (and other things). I did have A LOT of synchronicities back then, but it must have been much more powerful on your end.

17 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

It's just like now, I can see flaws in my upbringing, I can see flaws in people and situations but I've had this experience of complete and total altered perception, and I know that I am creating the flaws through the filter of mind, and I know through focus they will cease to exist in my experience, and that my focus and experience is the creation of my reality itself.

I'm in sermon mode, so please excuse me for my unsolicited advice.

You have seen God, but you came back as an ego. There is a reason why you are an ego, an individual.
There is a reason why you have filters and personal history. That is to be cherished and protected.
You were right from the start. I took the apple.

I think you should let go of that experience, though.

25 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

When I was writing the journal I assumed that your state of mind the entire time was the same as mine throughout and that's why everything that has happened since has been such a mind fuck. One assumption I made is that you had already had and fully understood the exact experience I was having then.

We did share that state of mind and I also thought that I understood your experience.
Even though I really had no idea of the consequences to come, my arrogance was an important ingredient.

30 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

I know now that neither of the realities I experience can be assumed. I am left without ground, trying to navigate a world where I must make and be ready to throw away assumptions. By the way, I'm sorry about all the assumptions and misunderstandings. 

I lacked (and still lack) basic common sense and empathy. I'm sorry for my behavior back then. To you and to Jon.

37 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

Anyway, that's why it's very interesting to me that you are reading this particular book and starting with the Old Testament God the Father. Just remember who (you) wrote it and that the book is not the book. Selfish is a good thing, at least it is when it's focused and without its assumptions about others. 

I want to learn more about boundaries, about being a father and a man.

[mandyjw]

3 minutes ago, tsuki said:

@mandyjw I think you should let go of that experience, though.

It's funny, I think you're right and desire to let go of it but I've been thinking about this quote from you a lot just recently. 

 On 4/1/2019 at 7:58 AM, mandyjw said:

@tsuki Honest to God. I thought you'd tell me to let go of that story and impulse. 

tsuki lol, what would you do if I told you to let go? Are letting go and holding on an action? Hahaha

12 minutes ago, tsuki said:

We did share that state of mind and I also thought that I understood your experience.
Even though I really had no idea of the consequences to come, my arrogance was an important ingredient.

It wasn't arrogance in my eyes, it was confidence and it did have power. The power just wasn't yours to own. 

Your desire to purify the shadow of arrogance is good. Just know the confidence doesn't have to die with it, that's the light. 

19 minutes ago, tsuki said:

 

I lacked (and still lack) basic common sense and empathy. I'm sorry for my behavior back then. To you and to Jon.

My apologies to Marta as well. The path of least resistance of human interpretation, drives and mind filters along with dissolved boundaries created a strange situation. You can't own that either. You can't own the dark just like you can't own the light. We can take responsibility though. 

Thanks tsuki, it feels really good to bring this stuff to light. 

[tsuki]

44 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

It's funny, I think you're right and desire to let go of it but I've been thinking about this quote from you a lot just recently. 

 On 4/1/2019 at 7:58 AM, mandyjw said:

@tsuki Honest to God. I thought you'd tell me to let go of that story and impulse. 

tsuki lol, what would you do if I told you to let go? Are letting go and holding on an action? Hahaha

It's nonsense. Throw this quote away.
I can't help you let go of this story. You are feeding my narcissistic tendencies. I can't have a follower ready to praise me.