NPD, sexoholism, purpose

[tsuki]

 

Lots of doubts about starting this journal.
I've been spending way too much time in here instead of taking action and changing my life.

Now I understand the importance of purpose and how it ties into my neurosis. I want to take action. I want to know myself, to know my authentic needs and desires. I want my own boundaries and I want to respect the boundaries of others. I want to find my purpose and I want to live despite the fear.
I want to drop the mind-armor and I want to be vulnerable. I want to be more empathetic. This all ties together and I'm afraid of losing the grip of action in favor of wanting to construct a mental system out of it.

I am a sex-addicted narcissist. I am a sadistic, scared, boy. I distract myself by hurting the ones that love me.
I am an energetic vampire. I belittle the dreams and hopes of others because I lack the courage to find my own.
For the 30 years of my life, I have never lived. I am what the world made of me. I want to live.

Scheduling: 1
No fap:     1
No coffee:  1
No alcohol: 1

Edited October 21, 2019 by tsuki

[tsuki]

Today, I will speak to my manager and apologize to him for being selfish and manipulative.
When I first joined the company, I thought of myself as being a genius and wished for a path straight to the top.
So, instead of working with what I got, I became entangled in office politics and started to work with the top of the company.

I was competitive and frequently got into arguments with the manager in front of the boss because I thought that I was contributing while knowing absolutely nothing. I lack experience and insight and my education does not make up for that. I was being disrespectful and dismissive.

I was probably used by the company head to gain information. I thought that I was insightful and I wanted to help run the company and prove my worth. This is disgusting and I am ashamed of myself.

[tsuki]

I apologized to my manager.
He seemed to be embarrassed and talked a lot about the way he is.

Edited October 21, 2019 by tsuki

[remember]

@tsuki i like the new avatar it`s cute in a very child like playfull manner. it`s just a comment from the off, don`t get entangled in a conversation with me, i just wanted to comment it. don`t seek too many positive reinforcement you are doing great by getting it outside the forum.

Edited October 21, 2019 by remember

[Bill W]

I can relate. 

[tsuki]

Scheduling: 2
No fap:     2
No coffee:  2
No alcohol: 2

Yesterday was difficult because I opened the emotional floodgates after coming home from work and it started raining negativity until evening. It was further fed by the fact that that my wife told her friend what kind of hell I've been giving her. She has every right to tell everybody whatever she wants. I was wrong and I need to accept that. My ego needs proper spanking.

Without the usual facade of superiority, I felt like an overwhelmed, needy kid that relies on my wife for emotional support. The whole day was filled with a mixture of fear, anxiety, doubt and overall tension. I managed to go to the ophthalmologist and browse spectacle frames. We also ran some errands, but the emotional fatigue got the better of me and I got irritable by the evening. We managed to have a conversation about our negative emotions and be supportive of each other. It was very refreshing and eased the tension.

My wife was stressed out because she promised to another friend that she will adjust her dress and she wanted to make a good impression. She felt that she procrastinated the whole day instead of doing the work up-front. Instead of doing the work, she went to the gym, met with her friend, and ran errands with me. I have no idea how she was able to support me, but she seemed happy and energetic. I was afraid for the whole day that I'm feeding off her positivity by expressing my anxiety. She stayed up late and worked on it.

Today, I decided to start meditating and doing cold showers in the morning.
During work, I need to study this and print the Wim Hof challenge printout.
I woke up with sexual fantasies and resisted them until I decided to get up. Disgusting.

Edited October 22, 2019 by tsuki

[tsuki]

 

Edited October 22, 2019 by tsuki

[DrewNows]

Great videos, I appreciate what you’re doing here 

[ValiantSalvatore]

@tsuki Do you really think you have NPD ? I thought I had two narccists in my life and thought I am one too and read from Sam Valkinin and watched his Videos in the end it was more fantasy and learning about narccistic tendencies I have and others have and the different forms of narccisim... like the grandiose, malignant, introverted and cerebral etc. 

From what I read when you consider yourself a narccist you are not one, since they will deny all of it vehemently and apparently this is a rule of thumb. So, not sure what to think about Sam Valkinin etc. I found it at one point to be very insightful, yet also basic shadow work helped me dealing with negative personality traits like arrogance and an inflated sense of self based on insecurities. So, I am not talking about behaviour but personality anyway. It was pretty random to see this so... I thought I leave a more or less thoughful comment depending on how serious this all is. 

[tsuki]

11 hours ago, ValiantSalvatore said:

@tsuki Do you really think you have NPD ? I thought I had two narccists in my life and thought I am one too and read from Sam Valkinin and watched his Videos in the end it was more fantasy and learning about narccistic tendencies I have and others have and the different forms of narccisim... like the grandiose, malignant, introverted and cerebral etc.  

I do think that I have NPD. It fits on the phenomenological level, it is consistent with the childhood story that I start to reclaim, with my wife's observations and also both therapists seem to agree with me. It is not an 'official' diagnosis though, so I know that I may be wrong.

11 hours ago, ValiantSalvatore said:

From what I read when you consider yourself a narccist you are not one, since they will deny all of it vehemently and apparently this is a rule of thumb.

From what I read, narcissism is a spectrum and I can certainly imagine that a really "hard" narcissist would deny it. I did deny it when the therapist confronted me. I tried to question his objectivity, blame everything on my wife, and avoid their "plot", "manipulation", aimed at exploiting me. Amidst the argument, I understood that there is no point in arguing with these people because I saw their "schemes" and they seemed like mine when I was really into an argument. I knew that there was no arguing with me when I was at that point, so I started to listen without deciding who's wrong and who's right. I left the session with a huge cognitive dissonance and a massive emotional charge of anger/confusion/sadness. For the rest of the day, I could only breathe and observe the emotions within me and the two worldviews that were clashing in my mind.

The next two weeks were agonizing because I started to reclaim many stories from my childhood and adolescence that confirmed the fact that I was an abuser in the making. I saw many evils that I committed and they were painful on multiple levels. Firstly, they were painful because I unconsciously hurt the ones that I loved because I loved them. Secondly, because I understood that I was re-traumatizing myself with these unconscious acts and I was spreading the misery that I experienced. And thirdly, because I have a grandiose self-image that does not tolerate faults. I understood that I recontextualized many experiences into visions of grandeur to deal with the simple fact that I couldn't handle those situations. It made me feel like I 'chose' to be this way, that I was special, misunderstood, and 'above it all'. All of this happened because I did not have a reality check and could not open up to anybody.

11 hours ago, ValiantSalvatore said:

I found it at one point to be very insightful, yet also basic shadow work helped me dealing with negative personality traits like arrogance and an inflated sense of self based on insecurities. So, I am not talking about behaviour but personality anyway. It was pretty random to see this so... I thought I leave a more or less thoughful comment depending on how serious this all is. 

It is true that emotions rule our life, but narcissists have developed a "shielding" mechanism that hides their emotions from conscious experience.
I think that I am a calm, composed, rational person, but choice of words, body language and subliminal message are threatening to others. There is a part of me that is severely wounded and it runs the show. When it feels threatened (and it feels that A LOT), it will not hesitate to take control and defend itself behind "my" back. It's really bizarre. I don't know who I am anymore and what reality is.

Edited October 23, 2019 by tsuki

[tsuki]

Scheduling: 3
No fap:     3
No coffee:  3
No alcohol: 3

Yesterday, we went to the second couples therapy session. This time, the conversation was friendly. I thanked the therapist for the previous one and confessed my suspicions about my NPD and that I'm a sexoholic. We talked about the possible causes for both and It is probably because of what I went through in my childhood. It's very confusing because I tried to talk to my parents and gain some information, but they feign innocence. They don't think that it's much of a deal and it's pretty shocking to me that I have always thought this way as well. When I tried to confront my parents about it, my father said that I'm blaming my mother for it and he will have none of this in his house. He also said that I should accept the responsibility because I've been avoiding it my whole life. Thankfully, my wife knows my parents and seem to have confirmed my suspicions about them. She was always very walled off in front of them and I never understood why. I took that for the sign of her abnormality and told myself that she has issues. She was either weary of them, or was walling in the things I've been doing to her. What the fuck is this shit?

The therapist thinks that my sex addiction, misogyny and the nature of my fantasies are related to the abuse that I suffered from my mother in my childhood. I only have three memories of it, but the story of my mother and her family seems to be consistent with it. Supposedly, our emotional life is shaped in the first 3-7 years of our lives. This is roughly the time when my mother used to hit me. The other part of the abuse is that I was probably molded to be an engineer in the image of my father. When I tried to talk about this with my parents in the past, I heard something along of "you were always interested with this, so we helped you with your future". I don't know my authentic desires, even my passion for programming is an extension of my isolation in front of the computer screen.

----- Cognitive dissonance again. I'm not supposed to play the victim. -----

The rest of the day was off the schedule. I managed to clean up some of the house, but skipped reading and meditating in favor of cat videos on youtube. I was emotionally exhausted.

Today I got woken up by a sexual fantasy again. I scribbled the details in my personal diary.

Edited October 24, 2019 by tsuki

[tsuki]

 

[tsuki]

Scheduling: 4
No fap:     4 (tough one)
No coffee:  4 (sleepy af)
No alcohol: 4

Yesterday was difficult. During work, I had a medical examination and waiting in line with mostly women was challenging. I was putting up a friendly front, trying to partake in conversation without contributing much. The things that I care about right now are not something to be casually shared like that:

- Hey, how are you?
- I feel like shit. My life is a self-constructed lie that I devised to protect myself from experiencing my childhood trauma consciously. All the while, I've been unconsciously seeking to re-create that trauma with my wife and abused her in the process while thinking that I'm the healthy one. I have avoided all of my failures by re-contextualizing them into accomplishments to uphold the narrative of grandiosity. This narrative was recently shattered and I realize that I've been broken into the form that I present right now and I've been proud of for my whole life.
- *slowly backs off, without breaking eye contact*

The same thing goes for the personal trainer that I hired at the gym. The guy tries to be friendly, he's like "how are you?" and I'm like "not worse than usual". We chat and even laugh, but I'm constantly aware of my ego comparing itself to other guys and checking the ladies out. I can't focus for shit there. I'm also blaming myself for not going there more often. Once a week is not enough if I want to get flexible reasonably fast.

I need a more systematic approach for planning. I'm tempted to make a repeatable, stacking routine out of it, but I suspect that it's a trap.
I'm also weary of the possibility that I'm overworking myself and avoiding my feelings. When I'm alone and with the armor off, I feel like utter shit. I'm tempted to have a mini-retreat in the weekend and just sit in bed and feel the feelings. No thinking, just feeling. I want confirmation on whether it's a good idea or not.

Anyways, in the evening, I was horny as fuck. I couldn't sit comfortably in bed with my wife and just chill after the whole day of working. I almost gave in and decided to masturbate. What helped me is the understanding that by doing it, I'm re-traumatizing myself. I had some new childhood memories and ideas come up and noted them down in my personal diary. It seems like sitting through the discomfort without distracting myself creates more understanding.

Today I woke up irritated and doing my best to keep it to myself, not overburdening my wife. She had a full day of her own, working on her stuff.

Edited October 24, 2019 by tsuki

[tsuki]

Scheduling: 5
No fap:     5 (tensions in this area)
No coffee:  5 (need more sleep)
No alcohol: 5

I finally found the copy of a book that I've been looking for: "Feeding your Demons" by Lama Tsultrim Allione. It arrived yesterday and I started reading it in the evening. From the next week onward, I want to focus more on practices - gym, meditation, and private journaling. I want to understand my childhood and untangle my neuroses and this will be the basis for my day-to-day life. I'm hesitant about this because I thought that I've been doing that so far. This time around, I will keep a schedule and stick to it. I will also work on developing dreams/desires and putting them into action as a form of leisure.

Yesterday's individual therapy session was, hmmm... I don't know. I feel like I've been doing all the talking and there seems to be little feedback. I was talking about my sexuality and fetishes, about the problems in our marriage, about my childhood and the things that I want to change about my life. I was instructed to focus on my feelings from now on and the therapist told me that the mini-retreat is worth taking the shot. She told me that she finally feels like I'm ready for the therapy because before, she felt like she was a companion that was simply taking everything in. I need to make more space for her in our meetings so that I can get more feedback.

[tsuki]

Scheduling: 7
No fap:     0, streak 7 (will elaborate)
No coffee:  7 (almost gave in)
No alcohol: 7

The mini-retreat went pretty well. I distracted myself for some time, but I also had deep moments of reflection and an emotional release. I think that they are worth the shot, the next weekend is 3 days long and I may try some LSD then.

I said that I will elaborate on no-fap, but after writing a paragraph on it, it doesn't feel appropriate.
In short, I couldn't handle the sexual tension when we decided to not have sex after having a mini-party with lots of physical intimacy. The said intimacy happened yesterday and the excitement messed up my sleep so today, I'm also am prone to break my no-coffee streak.

I don't want to go in the "my addiction is worse than yours" direction, but I find mine really difficult.
The fact that I objectify my wife and treat her like a sex dispenser that gets me a 'fix' disgusts me. Losing control is very sneaky because I understand that only post-mortem. I imagine that alcoholics have it easier because they can avoid alcohol. I can't avoid my wife and she's sexy as fuck. My lack of restraint messes up our intimacy, destroys trust and our connection.

Edited October 28, 2019 by tsuki

[tsuki]

 

Edited October 29, 2019 by tsuki

[DrewNows]

Let me know if you would like me to hide this, btw i like the profile pic  

 

[Forestluv]

@tsuki Thank you for shining light into this area. I love what you are doing here. 

[tsuki]

@DrewNows The video was helpful, but it confused me even more where I lie on the spectrum. I'll elaborate on that in the journal entry.
Thank you for sharing it, I appreciate it.

@Serotoninluv Thank you. It really is a struggle for me to share this stuff. I don't want to share the things that are too intimate, but these were the things that were the part of my shadow that I was blind to. 

 

Here are some videos on sexuality of narcissists. I'm kind of leaning towards not having a full-blown NPD, but narcissistic traits in conjunction with undiagnosed Asperger's syndrome. I'm reading the booklist book on Autism and there are several other leads that point to this possibility.

W full playlist:

 

Edited October 30, 2019 by tsuki

[tsuki]

Sam Vaknin's blog entries and other texts on sexuality of narcissists:

• https://groups.google.com/forum/#!topic/NARCISSISTIC-PERSONALITY-DISORDER/zSc-mPntsfs
• http://samvak.tripod.com/faq29.html <~ A very important one
• http://samvak.tripod.com/faq18.html
• http://samvak.tripod.com/faq61.html
• http://samvak.tripod.com/intimacyabuse.html
• http://samvak.tripod.com/journal60.html
• http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse14.html

This one is really good: https://www.balancepsychologies.com/post/2018/04/12/the-peculiar-sexual-behaviours-of-a-narcissist

Edited October 30, 2019 by tsuki