How realistic this approach is? (to self-actualize)

[Javfly33]

So about 2 months ago a had a tough (but also enlightening) psychedelic trip where I discovered one of my biggest problem in my life. Low self esteem, and I wasn't never conscious of that. I realized all my life I created a whole story (and stories) in my head in order to feel "superior" to others (I guess to protect my ego).

Notice that this is not a metaphor, I REALLY thought those stories were 100% real, for my whole adolescence I didn't have a clue that I had "low self esteem" or "social anxiety" (this is what they call it, right?).

Anyway, so I discovered the trick to actually transcend all of this. My lack of confidence, anxiety, etc... Just completely let go of my ego. But how realistic this is? Please help me do this.

I had a following trip in where I learned that if I became totally vulnerable (instead of defending an image of myself) I HAD 0 ANXIETY around people! 

This sensation remained at least 1 week. But then I start to feel again more in my old self. My ego Vs the Wolrd. I can't let go and be vulnerable because it feels it's going to hurt me. It feels like it's going to destroy me and life 'its going to win'. It feels like it definetely is going to prove 99% of what I believed was wrong.

The Pilar's in which I built my identity (from not liking my city of residence, not liking to go out, and particularly critizising this and that) was all to serve my stories. And now I have to recognise ALL OF THAT WAS WRONG. Years of beliefs. I would say almost a decade.

I have the tool to self actualize. To just let go. After my last trip is very easy for me to know what to do in a social interaction to not feel anxiety: to just let of and feel totally vulnerable, do not defend anything. But holy shit it feels totally frightening after you start doing this and you realize is actually working, that if you keep doing this everything you have believed in regards to this "problems" that you had was so so so wrong and suddenly nearly all people and social interactions you criticized all of your life, all critizising was to protect yourself and to try to feel superior. 10 years of a fake story you now have to let go of.

So after some weeks after the last trip my ego feels again it has something to lose if he actually lets go and surrender it self: im starting again to "defend myself", it just feels so annihilating this and particularly that I am not getting anything in return (because who wants to feel with 0 anxiety and free around people when in return you have to let go of your belief system of your whole life! That's poison for ego)

There has been easily since 12-13 years old to my twenties being a FUCKING DEVIL. I don't say this is a bad way, it's just I've done. I've being all my life making differences in my head around people, inventing stories to feel superior, and then believing 100% that I was a victim (because of course if you think you are a confident guy but you accomplish so little in life then the incongruence starts to get so big it start to get noticed at some point!). 

My plan is to make another psychedelic trip with set and setting of purely instrospection, very low dose so I don't get distracted with much mindfuck, and then going out socialize. But if I don't want to feel any anxiety when I am socializing then I have to accept and feel totally ok feeling vulnerable and letting go of my image. Is this wise to do this? Really, I ask because sometimes i think "what the fuck is going to happen if I keep doing this, will I get annihilated". But at the other hand it's true that I am more relaxed and 0 anxiety with people (but as I said, it doesn't last a lot). 

Advice please, will it traumatize me if I go to hard and realise that I was 100%bullshit? More I do this work more it seems I don't have nowhere to grasp myself. I look everywhere and all its ingrained in the identity of low-self esteem/try to feel superior that I invented. Try to destruct that and you are basically destroying "your" life.

 

 

Edited October 20, 2019 by Javfly33

[d i e g o]

To me it sounds quite usefull what you variefied there for yourself. Maybe what is lacking is the ability to fully integrate this insight - besides tripping and emotional afterglowing. do you use methods like journalling, meditation or any other mental practice on a regular basis?

[Javfly33]

42 minutes ago, d i e g o said:

To me it sounds quite usefull what you variefied there for yourself. Maybe what is lacking is the ability to fully integrate this insight - besides tripping and emotional afterglowing. do you use methods like journalling, meditation or any other mental practice on a regular basis?

I used to do Yoga and some meditation but quit like 2-3 months ago since I discovered I had to "clean my basic self" before trying to reach higher states. 

I think journalling might be a good idea, going to try that. 

[Eph75]

Do you see a danger in attributing these changes that you have gone through, even if temporarily, too much to the psychedelics? You've been a backseat rider and your ego has been in the drivers seat, now the psychedelics have shown you the way and at some point you have to force yourself into the driver's seat. It sounds like you are still too comfortably seated in the backseat while being able to enjoy the experience of being the driver. A feeling that fades away with the afterglow of the psychedelics wearing away.

I've done a very similar journey as you have ahead of you. In hindsight the by no doubt most difficult part in this was to realize that my major issue was my self-esteem and as a side-effect a very low self-worth. At the point where this was brought to my attention I had already been working on self-actualization for quite time time, but this fact had been well hidden from me yet affected everything. 

Nurture the insight you have had by staying with this and seeing it though by making sure that you maintain this newfound selfrespect. It will be hard work, self-actualization is not easy or comes for free without effort or degrees of distress. It will take a lot of time to integrate the insight into your daily life. But it can happen fast if you allow it to. I managed to completely overcome my condition over course of 6 months and left were just some ripple effects that reduced in amplitude over the following 6 months. Question is, if you let the psychedelics do the job and you feel like you're OK, what happens when in the future when you find yourself in a distressful situation? It is easy to regress without proper integration. Chances are there are other things you need to address on the way, such as poor relationships to shame and anger, which serve purpose to uphold inward and outward boundaries which protect your self-worth.

Edited October 20, 2019 by Eph75

[Javfly33]

6 hours ago, Eph75 said:

Do you see a danger in attributing these changes that you have gone through, even if temporarily, too much to the psychedelics? You've been a backseat rider and your ego has been in the drivers seat, now the psychedelics have shown you the way and at some point you have to force yourself into the driver's seat. It sounds like you are still too comfortably seated in the backseat while being able to enjoy the experience of being the driver. A feeling that fades away with the afterglow of the psychedelics wearing away.

I've done a very similar journey as you have ahead of you. In hindsight the by no doubt most difficult part in this was to realize that my major issue was my self-esteem and as a side-effect a very low self-worth. At the point where this was brought to my attention I had already been working on self-actualization for quite time time, but this fact had been well hidden from me yet affected everything. 

Nurture the insight you have had by staying with this and seeing it though by making sure that you maintain this newfound selfrespect. It will be hard work, self-actualization is not easy or comes for free without effort or degrees of distress. It will take a lot of time to integrate the insight into your daily life. But it can happen fast if you allow it to. I managed to completely overcome my condition over course of 6 months and left were just some ripple effects that reduced in amplitude over the following 6 months. Question is, if you let the psychedelics do the job and you feel like you're OK, what happens when in the future when you find yourself in a distressful situation? It is easy to regress without proper integration. Chances are there are other things you need to address on the way, such as poor relationships to shame and anger, which serve purpose to uphold inward and outward boundaries which protect your self-worth.

6 hours ago, Eph75 said:

Do you see a danger in attributing these changes that you have gone through, even if temporarily, too much to the psychedelics? You've been a backseat rider and your ego has been in the drivers seat, now the psychedelics have shown you the way and at some point you have to force yourself into the driver's seat. It sounds like you are still too comfortably seated in the backseat while being able to enjoy the experience of being the driver. A feeling that fades away with the afterglow of the psychedelics wearing away.

I've done a very similar journey as you have ahead of you. In hindsight the by no doubt most difficult part in this was to realize that my major issue was my self-esteem and as a side-effect a very low self-worth. At the point where this was brought to my attention I had already been working on self-actualization for quite time time, but this fact had been well hidden from me yet affected everything. 

Nurture the insight you have had by staying with this and seeing it though by making sure that you maintain this newfound selfrespect. It will be hard work, self-actualization is not easy or comes for free without effort or degrees of distress. It will take a lot of time to integrate the insight into your daily life. But it can happen fast if you allow it to. I managed to completely overcome my condition over course of 6 months and left were just some ripple effects that reduced in amplitude over the following 6 months. Question is, if you let the psychedelics do the job and you feel like you're OK, what happens when in the future when you find yourself in a distressful situation? It is easy to regress without proper integration. Chances are there are other things you need to address on the way, such as poor relationships to shame and anger, which serve purpose to uphold inward and outward boundaries which protect your self-worth.

Thanks for your message. What would you recommend for me as a next step? Nowadays everything seems to have changed a lot, even though I am not yet even 10% confident and love myself as I like to be.

My biggest barrier is that I feel I will lose something if I go all the way. Can I please ask you how do you feel now after you have changed? Do you feel a very different person? 

 

It's funny because we all want to change until the change is very real so real that is scary.

Edited October 20, 2019 by Javfly33

[Eph75]

I can only speak from my perspective and for me I have lost nothing except the negative stuff, the constantly negative spiral chattering chimp, the self-resentment, the feeling of being less than others by putting myself down at the same time as idolizing everyone else to exacerbate how worthless I felt. I don't miss that  I don't even know that guy anymore, it feels so distant and strange, as if that wasn't me.

Underneath all that, you are still you in terms of your values etc. Getting rid of all that distraction you will allow yourself to shine by being the man that you were supposed to be, that you are pushing down and away. It's all positive and from there you can grow further without restriction.

In my case I worked on gaining understanding where it all began, which was back in my childhood, in fact as far as I can remember. I've not had any trauma what-so-ever in my childhood, it just happened but I understand why I turned out the way I did and I've seen what contributed to this in my mother and in my grandmother, they both were very driven in what they did, it kind of just spills over. We've talked about this and that has helped a lot. It's important to never find causes that you can blame but instead if/when you'd go down this route it's only for the purpose of gaining understanding without blame. Blame is a dark pit in itself.

I've never felt that change was scary, I've wanted to change. That's mostly because I found myself in a place that didn't work for me so I wanted to move away. At the time when this all happened I had already gotten fairly far in my personal development, it was the remaining surpressed thing that my ego was hiding from me, along with some pride that stopped me from talking neccessary steps. It was holding me back like a bungee cord at full tension so when it released I propelled forward.

I'm not sure I want to give any recommendation as it is your life and your choices to make  For me it was reasoning, understanding emotions, challenging my anxieties and not giving up was a big part of it. Also a very big part of it was that I exposed myself to everyone I knew, letting them know how I felt about myself, disarming it all in a way. By being vulnerable you take away the negative energy from yourself and fuel up with love, not only from yourself but also through understanding of others. Also I didn't feel that I had to uphold my facade anymore.

But that's just me. I hope you get some clarity. Stay strong.

Oh, one final thing. At the time I felt like I had failed somehow, failed as a human being, because I went to a psychiatrist to talk. It took someone else to tell me that it really was a strength to get to the point I was and to do something about it. A big strength. It can be a small thing like that, that changes how we view ourselves, from one moment "weak" to the next moment feeling "strong".

Edited October 20, 2019 by Eph75

[Javfly33]

On 20/10/2019 at 7:23 PM, Eph75 said:

I can only speak from my perspective and for me I have lost nothing except the negative stuff, the constantly negative spiral chattering chimp, the self-resentment, the feeling of being less than others by putting myself down at the same time as idolizing everyone else to exacerbate how worthless I felt. I don't miss that  I don't even know that guy anymore, it feels so distant and strange, as if that wasn't me.

Underneath all that, you are still you in terms of your values etc. Getting rid of all that distraction you will allow yourself to shine by being the man that you were supposed to be, that you are pushing down and away. It's all positive and from there you can grow further without restriction.

In my case I worked on gaining understanding where it all began, which was back in my childhood, in fact as far as I can remember. I've not had any trauma what-so-ever in my childhood, it just happened but I understand why I turned out the way I did and I've seen what contributed to this in my mother and in my grandmother, they both were very driven in what they did, it kind of just spills over. We've talked about this and that has helped a lot. It's important to never find causes that you can blame but instead if/when you'd go down this route it's only for the purpose of gaining understanding without blame. Blame is a dark pit in itself.

I've never felt that change was scary, I've wanted to change. That's mostly because I found myself in a place that didn't work for me so I wanted to move away. At the time when this all happened I had already gotten fairly far in my personal development, it was the remaining surpressed thing that my ego was hiding from me, along with some pride that stopped me from talking neccessary steps. It was holding me back like a bungee cord at full tension so when it released I propelled forward.

I'm not sure I want to give any recommendation as it is your life and your choices to make  For me it was reasoning, understanding emotions, challenging my anxieties and not giving up was a big part of it. Also a very big part of it was that I exposed myself to everyone I knew, letting them know how I felt about myself, disarming it all in a way. By being vulnerable you take away the negative energy from yourself and fuel up with love, not only from yourself but also through understanding of others. Also I didn't feel that I had to uphold my facade anymore.

But that's just me. I hope you get some clarity. Stay strong.

Oh, one final thing. At the time I felt like I had failed somehow, failed as a human being, because I went to a psychiatrist to talk. It took someone else to tell me that it really was a strength to get to the point I was and to do something about it. A big strength. It can be a small thing like that, that changes how we view ourselves, from one moment "weak" to the next moment feeling "strong".

Thanks very much for your words. It make sense, I can relate, I think by reading you I'm going in the right direction, I'm starting to do real progress now. 

[Rigel]

Remember that the more you do something the easier it gets. If you have social anxiety then go to a bunch of social events. Talk to strangers and face your fear head on. There's is a limit to what introspection can do. You have to consciously put yourself out of your confort zone. Then you will have no choice but to grow. 

[Javfly33]

On 25/10/2019 at 5:49 PM, Rigel said:

Remember that the more you do something the easier it gets. If you have social anxiety then go to a bunch of social events. Talk to strangers and face your fear head on. There's is a limit to what introspection can do. You have to consciously put yourself out of your confort zone. Then you will have no choice but to grow. 

I did that in the past (some pick-up here and there) but I had to be honest with you, it didn't solve this. It gave me confidence, but didn't ground me really in self-love or real confidence. (For other people it might, I'm just talking my particular experience).

Also I've been socializing all my life, so I've been in that "out the comfort zone" for years. In this sense it has to be noted that there are degrees of social anxiety. For some people they have to take some steps as you said. But then go other people when you already had made those steps a long time ago and still you are not grounded (because if you would, socializing in any situation wouldn't be any out of the comfort zone") then you have to consider going deeper.

Edited November 2, 2019 by Javfly33

[ajasatya]

@Javfly33 What is your deepest desire? If you really know that, you're unable to fool yourself.