Just spinning my wheels?

[Khron]

I've been depressed since my tweens. I watch the videos & I do the work. It's painful as hell is I probably don't need to tell you.

 

Thing is, I want this to work for me so bad. I want to stop feeling like a defective human being. But isn't this need the very reason it won't work for me? If true, how do I get around that?

[TrynaBeTurquoise]

What kind of spiritual techniques do you do? Meditation? Self-Inquiry? Maybe you need to give it a break for a while or try different things.

You aren't a defective human being if you don't believe yourself to be so you are right, you need a shift in your attitude. This is easier said than done, I would look into more basic teachings about self esteem and explore new means of creative expression and enjoyment in life. 

Realize that you are worthy of love just as much as anyone else, and you deserve to be happy just as much as anyone else. 

Edited October 21, 2019 by TrynaBeTurquoise

[Zigzag Idiot]

I would recommend to anyone while doing their spiritual practices to also always have a good biography of someone going.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Lives_of_John_Lennon

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_River_of_Doubt

It helps round out our being.

 

 

 

[nistake]

Start asking questions. Literally. Get a notepad and a pen and write the question on the top of the page: "Why do I feel like a defective human being?"

Then, allow yourself to write anything without filtering. Whatever comes to your mind. Remind yourself that nobody will read that paper so feel free to express yourself. The deeper you dig the better. Mind you, this is not an easy process and probably it's gonna be painful. Give it some time and be patient. You'll have to return to this question a few times, I guess. And when you do find the answer, that'll be a huge success already. Ideally, you'll know what the problem is and you'll be able to start working on it.

[Leo Gura]

@Khron What thoughts are arising which are making you feel depressed?

You gotta contemplate and investigate more honestly the source of your depression. Depression is not just a passive state, it's something the mind is actively doing. So observe yourself doing it and study what your mind is doing and why it's doing it.

Spend week observing and writing down your internal self-talk. What are you saying to yourself about life such that it's making you feel depressed?

Don't tell us, find out first for yourself.

[cirkussmile]

I would say deep desire for Truth and Liberation. This desire must be strong. Surrender everything else. 
Truth.

Truth is not always pleasant but it will set you free.

[Khron]

Thank you all for your words, they gave me much to think about.

As I I am writing this reply I am reflecting on the state I was in when I started this thread versus now. I believe I was in ego backlash. I had been working on uncovering childhood vows and realizing how as a kid I was systematically dismantling myself resulting in a decades-long deep depression infuriated me. I was in think I still am a bit so mad at myself for basically shutting myself out of my own youth. I have to remind myself that I did the best I knew how so as to protect myself. I cry like a baby LOL, but in the end I love that kid for being so determined to survive even if it was in a million little pieces.

But in this ego backlash I was so remorseful for the past and overwhelmed by the work I need to do for the future, I didn't know which way to go. After months of work, I didn't even know if I was moving at all. Your replies help me to see indirectly and directly, that I have made progress. I Cry still because the work is painful but my depressive emotions don't stick like they did before I started this work.

I noticed my mind is more focused on what I need to do to improve rather than dwelling on what I believe I missed. I'm still very fragmented though. I think I love the kid and love myself because love is work but I don't like myself nor do I believe I can be loved by others. I find it so weird and contradicting.

It also makes me fearful. There's a part of me that doesn't want to love life . There's the old saying, Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. For me, the jury is still out on that one.

Thanks all.

 

[ajasatya]

@Khron Become aware of the processes that trigger feelings of unworthiness.

[Dinsdale]

This site is a cult, please avoid it. 

[RendHeaven]

2 hours ago, Dinsdale said:

This site is a cult, please avoid it. 

Lead by example!

[Khron]

@Leo Gura  I think I hate him. The kid me. I said I loved him because he was determined to survive earlier but I'm pretty sure I hate him. I hate him for his weakness. His weakness took decades of my life away from me. I am still in pain for what he did to me. I live in a state of constant self judgement because that little shit was too scared of fucking everything to speak up for himself.

That Revelation hurt more than anything yet so I guess I'm on the right track.

 

[Ananta]

3 hours ago, Khron said:

I said I loved him because he was determined to survive earlier but I'm pretty sure I hate him. I hate him for his weakness. His weakness took decades of my life away from me.

Love him/hate him doesn't really matter since its in the past. You need to let it go, to really be able to move forward with your life. However you were, there was a reason for it, maybe the reason no longer exists for you? If that's the case, then perhaps you can  drop it.

3 hours ago, Khron said:

I live in a state of constant self judgement because that little shit was too scared of fucking everything to speak up for himself.

That won't serve you, it won't help you to judge how you were, so that you can beat yourself up some more.

You might need some therapy, to move on, dunno?

Edited October 29, 2019 by Anna1

[Khron]

@Anna1  I figured Letting Go would be the answer. But isn't that the same as forget about it? I didn't even know it existed a day ago. I'm not sure what the difference is.

I probably do need therapy , which pisses me off even more. Suck it up , right.

 

[Ananta]

14 hours ago, Khron said:

@Anna1  I figured Letting Go would be the answer. But isn't that the same as forget about it? I didn't even know it existed a day ago. I'm not sure what the difference is.

Oh, sorry... well, perhaps work through it would be better to suggest, then letting it go, because yes, letting it go is about the same as forget about it and doubt you're ready for that. 

14 hours ago, Khron said:

I probably do need therapy , which pisses me off even more. Suck it up , right.

 

Aww, well, it can really be a good thing if you find a good therapist.