Becomming the greatest failure of all time

[Proactive]

Everyday, I will try to fail atleast one thing.

 

Idk, what is to come.

one day there'll be statues labeled "greatest failure of all time."

 

I would've failed on such massive scales that people would applaud me.

Edited October 20, 2019 by Proactive

[JustThinkingAloud]

1 hour ago, Proactive said:

Everyday, I will try to fail atleast one thing.

 

Idk, what is to come.

one day there'll be statues labeled "greatest failure of all time."

 

I would've failed on such massive scales that people would applaud me.

Be careful you might succeed 

Either way good luck!

[Proactive]

Oh man, I'm doing great!

I'm headed towards this path. When I think about my future, I feel like i'm going to be in school for 2-3 more years than I need to be. YES

 

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. FUCK YES. I'M DOING IT!

Oh man, i'm just so happy that i'm becoming what I have set out to do.

 

Ok, I want to fail even more today.

So in order to set myself up for failure, I must do an impossibly difficult goal.

 

I'm going to study in the library for the rest of the day, to gain knowledge of an entire chapter of calculus.

By the end of the day, I want to be able to look at my homework, and be able to do all of it. Theoretically.

[Proactive]

Be one with failure, become failure. 

 

Let it flow through your body with no resistance. 

Let uncertainty,let fear come in, welcome it. 

[Proactive]

HOW TO CONFRONT TRUTH

I recently realized how much we deny reality, just because it's painful to realize some hard truths.

Anyone have any ideas about how to deal with them? 

I guess in the end we just, have to accept it. Then integrate it into our world view. A certain part of our self has to die to incorporate this worldview.

This is where, oneself can go crazy if too much of themselves is detatched. They lose direction. They lose too much of themselves that they become non-functional?????????????

Edited October 26, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

flow, and just forget everything.

flow, and become everything

flow, and just float.

just flow.

flow.

flo.

w

stop

resisting.

stop having an identity. That is resistance.

when resistance comes in

let it come

let it

destroy

everything that is within you.

 

hehe, I was just trying to type in a wave. In case you didn't see.

 

[Proactive]

Socialization.

So, I want to get better at socialization because I want to feel belonging believe it or not.

Now, most conversations are boring. Cuz of the limitations put on by social standards. Don't say mean things to others.

 

That limits our conversations so much. 

"hey"

"HI"

"how are you doing?"

"i'm doing sad! how about you"

"i'm alright, why are you feeling sad?"

"because I just lost my dog"

"oh man dogs are cute and funny"

 

versus

 

"hey"

"peanut butter"

"uhhhhh, ok"

"do you like them?"

"sure?"

 

Yeah, basically I just wanna be more funny. Be more random, be in my own frame. Remove limiting beliefs regarding socialization.

You need to ride the edge, because obviously you can go overboard and say some shit that is completely not acceptable.

[Proactive]

Temperance

 

Don't let your emotions control you

Remain calm in a storm that's about to kill you

Remain calm when your getting high

 

Everything will be okay....... or it won't

but that's ok.

 

You can't deny emotions, but you also shouldn't push your emotions.

That is a really hard balance to strike.

 

Feel what is happening now, but detach from the past?

Edited October 28, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

I realize I have created a pretty insane moral compass.

 

We all have this moral compass.

Enslaving kids is wrong and if we see it happening we would probably be saddened or something.

Eating chickens  is ok.

 

We believe these things because our society taught it to us.

Those who are more altruistic simply have created a different moral compass than a regular fellow.

 

All these rules were created not because they are the truth. But because it's for our survival. Yet I treat them as like truth. 

 

Vision

ABSOLUTELY FAILING. 

I give it my all. Everything, Absolutely everything. Yet I fall. I fall down the stairs and hit my head.

AGAIN, AGAIN

I'M FEELING THE SENSE OF GROWTH.

KEEP GOING.

KEEP FAILING.

 

I derive no sense of joy from the activity. I feel boredom.

That means i'm not failing hard enough.

Not moving fast enough.

keep failing

keep fialing.

Do nothing but fail.

 

[Proactive]

What is confidence?

It has to do with how much you accept yourself.

Do you forgive yourself? 

Will you still love yourself after you accidently killed 20 people (oops hehe ?)

 

It has to do with resistance aswell. Can you just allow the force to take over you.

To completely surrender?

To be okay as a failure, to be okay as a murderer.

To be okay as the leader of the yakuza gang. Ordering thousands upon thousands of people to DIE DIE DIE DURING MY CAREER.

that is true confidence my hunnies. True confidence.

 

I've had years upon years of experiences that have created an identity of a loner. An outcast. 

It makes me feel like i'm inferior to people in my daily life during certain social situations

 

The main problem i'm trying to address is the amount of unconscious thoughts I have while in certain social situations. By default I am in a fearful state. It's when I become conscious of these thoughts that I can become better(varies by environments).

 

So, the question is how do I tackle these years of programming of my identity? Teal swan likes to call it repressing oneself. I find it is more like building an identity overtop.

One way is to go really really deep into meditation, and start accessing these unconscious beliefs and just reprogramming it straight up.( this is something I have no evidence of being possible, but I have felt like I was able to get there at one point)

So what i'm tackling here is not one moment. But hundreds upon hundreds of experiences that reinforced this identity.

 

To permanently remove that survival technique i've built up over the years. A really good analogy I have in my mind was when I was a kid I broke my foot and when I took off the wrappings. I had a really hard time touching my foot on the ground. I Put it down and just felt pain, over and over. It got better and better. Realize that your foot is no longer broken.

 

Ok so what ways can I start putting my foot down?

I'm having a hard time identifying exactly what those situations are because i've worked on certain scenarios.

I have developed certain "walking patterns", but it is avoiding the painpoint.

When I'm required to run, it shows my flaws.

 

So every single interaction I have, even the ones im comfortable with should be changed.

NO MORE LIMPING. TIME FOR WALKING. TIME TO PUT THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT ON THE GROUND.

What i'm ultimately afraid of is social isolation.

Which is weird because that's what i've been living as mostly. But obviously I haven't really been rejected which is a even more painful social iscolation experience.

How to stop being afraid of social iscolation.

MHHHH, look at the reality of the situation. 

 

What do you really lose? LOTS, IF PEOPLE HATE YOU THEY WILL HURT YOU.

but will I be okay? Will I be capable of surviving?

Worst case scenario( which is not the worst case) - the entire group heads off, and just talks with each other while the sad boi is just standing on the side crying.

ahhh, brings back good ol memories.

TO BE CONTINUED

[Proactive]

What is fear? Or a phobia?

It's a irrational belief about a certain scenario that is going to occur. The chances of this fear occurring is heightened.

 

How do you conquer fears?

gradual exposure, complete surrendering. The willingness to "die" in a certain way.

 

I will focus on the willingness to "die."

Basically just focus on the present, focus on what your feeling. Then basically, you'll have no fear because you have not attached meaning to anything.

I completely forgot what leo said in his fear video

 

Be okay with social suicide.

This is the exact same thing as failure. Just completely surrender. idk. idk man.

I've just spent like 45mins typing to come up with this lol.

The rest of the contemplation will be more intuitive and less wordy as I feel like i'm starting to mentally masturbate. a bit too much

 

One thing I also want to say is that even though i'm defeating my social anxiety. This probably won't stop me from being experiencing loneliness as this is the path i've chosen. To become extremely good at something, requires sacrifice.

Edited October 31, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

VSAUCE IS FREE UNTIL THE END OF THIS YEAR BTW

[Proactive]

hi, it is me

for Halloween I decided To become a wage slave. 

Nobody is scared of me. When I walk by them.

HEHEHEHEHE, HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

THEY ARE NOT READY  FOR ME TO TAKE OVER THEIR LIFES HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

 

Go into your cave

Go into my cave. Don't come out.

 

[Proactive]

The reason why I blog here is because for some reason I actually remember what I type on here.

I finally broke through a social wall.

 

Over the past yearish, i've been mainly just focusing on feeling good. Feeling calm while in social situations but I was always quiet. But ever since my post 2 days ago. I've finally broke through in being able to socialize well. I talk more, am more assertive and shit. Like a normal human being. I make jokes. I have shown my true self.

Now I see another problem. It has to do with my hatred towards humans. 

What's wrong with me?

I feel like i'm always being attacked. Because guess what? I am

 

This is why I decided to withdraw and become shy, it's a sort of defense mechanism where you make it look like your attacking yourself so others won't.

 

I had consciously chosen this in the past. I chose to be distant from everybody that way nobody could hurt me. Everyone was "nice" to me.

And why would I be close to anyone, "all humans are so judgmental"

---------

So right now I feel like shit. Thought i'd do a little rant.

Today I was working pretty hard, I was focused on delivering great customer service.

Then when I finished all my work, my manager would start attacking me, telling me to stop standing there. I literally stood there for a second

looking at the screen because i'm new to the job. I'm not here to make the manager happy.I'm here to make the customers happy, I'm here to share some unconditional love lol. I'm not going to let her attacks bring me down. I'm going to focus on helping as many people as possible.

If it ends in me being fired because i'm not pandering to the manager than so be it.

Fuck the manager,

Try your hardest and spread the love, because people need it.

 

I'm not going to attack the manager either. As she is human, she makes mistakes.

We all make mistakes, we all are devils. That's why I love humans. LOL. Also why I hate humans.

 

This one manager appears to be a nice person, i'm not too sure what she cares about. But I know that it is not the customers.

She is focused on money is what i'm going to assume. I've been there. I can understand it.

 

People can attack me all they want. But I am going to stick to my values. I am going to continue helping those in need.

In order to do that on a more massive scale, I need to continue educating myself. To keep learning, to just keep learning, just keep learning. Just keep taking, and taking, and taking. Good bye.

 

 

[Proactive]

@modmyth 

Thank you, I will? . I hope you fail a lot aswell l ?

I really liked this episode because it gives me hope that I can become who I hope to become. I've always felt like I am a savant. I remember as a 3 year old how "unknown word" my mind was.

Makes me feel like you can achieve a lot more than you think you can.

Like I believed I could achieve more than I think I can. But with this video, I feel like like I can't even imagine how different I could be. That is how much you can actually achieve.

I believe I've tapped into a small amount of this sort of thinking or whatever. This was through stopping the self-talk in my mind, and just using imagery, and feelings to store information. I've got a lot to do, but thought i'd share that. Similar to how sometimes when you are meditating you let things drift by, well you do that with information, or others speech.

The difference I think would be not only do you need to be in the present allowing your mind to generate imagery/feelings. But you also got to remember these imagery/feelings.

 

Today I was really unengaged because the work was uninteresting to me. This is because this computer science course i'm taking has nothing to do with truth, nor does make me feel like there's any relevance to what I will be doing. I enjoy the coding, and problem solving aspect of comp-sci. Just not the learning of algorithms. 

That is what my day should've been based upon. That is how I should study with this particular course.

[Proactive]

I've RELAPSED

 

I FOUND A MOUSE JUST LIEING THERE WHILE IN THE LIBRARY. I COULDN'T HELP IT. These past couple of days i've been playing video games again and a lot of it. I wish I could burn my new mouse but it's made of plastic. I am having a  difficult time breaking this mouse because it appears to be way higher quality than my previous one. This is a test from the universe, CAN I DO IT. CAN I QUIT. FUCK ITTTT I'M GOING TO DO IT.

I WILL NOT GO BACK TO VIDEO GAMES. I WILL NOT. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH. ok it is done. I have murdered my mouse. The second one. If I ever see another mouse just lieing there. I'm going to fucking kill it. IDC how expensive it is. Just fucking destroy it. NOW I'M GOING TO TAKE A SHOWER WITH THE MOUSE AROUND MY NECK.

I've also lost a sense of identity when it comes to school. Not too sure why, but it is important to have this identity. I was just doing homework for no reason. It a waste of time.

Today will be the day.

I will stop at nothing to get my assignment done. I will not only finish my comp-sci homework. But also review my physics concepts. I will do whim hoff techinuqe, then I will get to failing. Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. With great intensity. Running into the wall with 100% belief I'm going to break through, just to hurt my head. Then getting back up, and believing, then charging.

 

[Proactive]

What is failure?

Failure is the perception of the absence of growth. When one has an intention of growing.

 

So there are 3 types of failures that I see currently

1. Failure that destroys you
2. Failure that doesn't change you
3. Failure that fills you with pride. 

I don't have an opinion currently about which is the best. Currently, all failures are good.

Another aspect is

1. Were you engaged while failing?, or was it due to a lack of staying on the plateau. 

True growth only comes from failure. Learning you were wrong. Only then do you know what is correct.

 

Why is failure so painful sometimes?

Because we weren't expecting it. Our reality was proven wrong.

This is how you amplify failure, the more pain you feel. The more you want to go away from this pain.

Enjoy the pain. Enjoy it. 

It is coming eitherway, whether you fail a lot of times. Or you just don't fail at all.

 

My favourite type of failing

so, I the way I enjoy failing is completely surrendering as I've posted in the past. To let that resistance you feel go through your body. Let it do whatever it wants to you.

Losing hope

there is a good side to losing hope, and it's that you can feel like nothing matters. I can do whatever I want, then you'll end up with hope again.

There is also even crazier losing hope, where you just lie there and don't eat, don't do anything. Like in "mans search for meaning" book there was a guy in the nazi camps who just died like that.

This is a topic I should delve deeper into for another time.

 

 

[Proactive]

It's not only about pushing yourself to go further. 

But it's also about stopping yourself from going too far.

 

Path of the master

The path of a master is simply where oneself is very very very consistent at going to their practice. Their endless practice.

It's a path where both the lower and higher-self can live.

 

Resistance is a topic I need to be more conscious about. Resistance dominates my whole lifestyle. 

 

What is resistance? Resistance is simply the amount of force you've put, except in the opposite direction. Few people know that when you set a huge goal, there will be a huge force pushing you backwards. Even though you probably feel excited.

The path of the master takes into account resistance, unlike what i've been doing for my entire life.

 

I think today I just realized how beautiful the path of the master is. Staying disciplined, but not being overly ambitious. To enter the same consistent place every single day. 2 hours is what I'm feeling is correct. 

I believe I can work 2 hours a day for the rest of my life on my life purpose. Ok, my resistance is gone.

Lets get those 2 hours in. No excuses.

 

i'm getting greedy like always hehe. 3 hours. I am going to try for 3 hours everyday.

Edited November 6, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

@modmyth - I just wanted to get rid of it as fast as possible, the longer this monster is around me, the more likely It is going to beat me.

 

Resistanceeeeeee 

IS SO INTERESTINGGGGGGGGGG. SNEAKIEST MOTHER FUCKER IN THE WORLD. When you set your intention to do something. You'll experience a force opposite.

If I could live in a world without resistance

I'd wake up get to work, then ultimately not enjoy my life. Resistance is the reminder that your lower-self is not being entertained. 

 

Increasing enjoyment for lower-self

There are deadlines, so my higher-self is telling me to go fucking finish it. The lower-self doesn't really care about the future me. He cares about me right now. So this deadline could be framed more like a challenge, he doesn't really care whether I fail or not in the future.

 

Should i power through resistance?

Yes, you should. But it should not be overwhelming.  Improve that 1% each day. Push through 1%.

I should stop trying to fix the big things. Fix the small things. One day at a time.

Edited November 6, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

Masters journey - How to become a master at whatever it is you are doing.

It does not matter where you end up, it does not matter what results you get. It just matters that you are on the journey. That you are consistently practicing. That's what it means to be a master.

 

Pep talk - so i'm about to embark on my masters journey. I have prepared food, textbooks, I've found a huge table in a secluded area.

My goal is 4  + optional(1-2) hours today. I must stop at 9:30 pm. 

2 hours in I will take a huge break, probably watch some youtube video. 

 

I'm going to be doing some calculus. Attempting to finish homework by today. 

 

Here I am, in this room. 

I open my books, and head off into unknown territory. What will I find?

Monsters? Or just endless piles of sand. Will I find nothing? Or a beautiful light show.

I don't know. We will never know until we've traveled to the end.

 

I am a master. I will stay on this path, regardless of where it leads. I will stay on this path through thick and thin. Never stop moving. Time to get started. honestly that was a shitty pep talk.