Becomming the greatest failure of all time

[Proactive]

@modmyth

Thank you, hehe.

 

There's a fine line between pushing and pulling in socializing . You can either end up being too needy, or too withdrawn. I need to focus on improving my social abilities with the limited social activity i'm given. 

 

To fail big is to have lazer like focus. Don't let other people intrude upon the frame you've built for yourself. I have a goal. But other people also have their own goals/values/beliefs. If they are confident in it, it makes me believe their goal is important aswell. 

I can rationalize that their goal is not important. I can succumb to valuing their goals as well. I can also ignore them.

Honestly I don't know anything, or what to do. All I know is that my intuition told me a while ago that my only goal is to learn. So learning is all i'm going to be doing. Learning different perspectives. Learning, failing. Changing.

 

Why am I learning?

In the moment, i'm doing it to enjoy it.

In the long-term i'm doing it to help others.

-------------

What is this doubt that has penetrated me. This hesitation, saying what i'm doing is not important. 

The truth is, what i'm doing isn't that important. This isn't the only path I can take.

This hesitation is looking into the future.

Why i'm doing this is to enjoy the sun, as I engage in my work.

As I explore the content, as well as my consciousness moving around.

 

Isn't that what life is aboot? This moment? Afterall, it's the only thing we can control.

 

What do I want long-term?

I want to survive, i'm possibly at risk of dieing. I had identified the 2 locations I believe that'll determine the outcome of where I end up. That is my success in being a physicist/life-purpose shit.  Aswell as my ability to socialize, to stop limiting myself due to fear of rejection and iscolation from others.

Afterwords, I just want to drift into my masters path. Enjoy that slow life, no worries. Just failing, and failing, and failing. Exploring without pressure from society. But I'd also prefer to not be completely alone. But yeah, lots of work to be done.

 

What I had determined was that I was going to prioritize my life-purpose. I don't believe I should be dividing my attention into 2 locations. I should not be too proactive socially, but do be conscious improving the little social contact I will have with others. Do spend an hour or so a week just thinking about how I can improve socially. Situations, and shit. Maybe leos content isn't what I need.

I'll tune into leos videos every once in a while whenever I feel like it, but it isn't important to me.

 

---------

Here's what i'm going to be doing today

I'm going to go with the flow. See the magic in everyday life. I'm just in a classroom rightnow and it is full of sunlight pouring in. The orange/yellow leaves squiggling outside. It is quite beautiful, and quiet. I am grateful for this moment.

I'm just going to enjoy learning what goals i've set to learn today. I'm going to forget the entire world. I should also be moving a lot today, go for many, many walks. Enjoy this beautiful quiet day.

 

[Proactive]

hello, I am back. This is proactive high on coffee.

 

I don't know why, but I feel like chasing death is actually a good thing. I feel a sense of love when I imagine myself drifting back into nature.

No need to be so serious. I am too serious when i'm not on coffee. 

 

hello there. Welcome to mcdonalds

HELLO(me)

how are you doing? What can I get for you?

I'm doing horrible, the ground is covered in ashes, and the grey clouds loom accross the wide open sky. There is nothing but darkness(me)

............

the suffering is unbearable, there is no hope in this universe. EVERYTHING WILL DIE. Also can I get a medium coffee.(me)

ok that'll 2.65$

 

Part of becomming a master has to do with not taking life so seriously is what I think.

You must play life like a game. Care enough, but not care too much.

Edited November 11, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

Nobody will accept me until I fully accept myself. I haven't spent time just loving myself in years.

1. My biggest pain point was failing that physics class in my first year. Makes me feel inferior. This is the worst type of failure. The type you can't move past because you didn't actually deserve to fail. I can't say it's the past because I see the effect it has on me everyday I see the people who were in the other class.

Normally I would just tell myself to just focus on what I can control. But not right now, right now i'm trying to love myself. Love myself even though i'm not who I planned to be.

This is how my life is going to pan out. I'm going to enjoy my next couple of years. Stop letting this bring you down. Others may judge you, they may judge you incorrectly. You must stop letting this control your life, yes it has caused great harm. But it is going to continue harming you until you decide that it must stop. This is my fault. I could not accept this failure and I let it derail my momentum. I let bad, go to worse, go to worse, then go to worse.

You had 1 situation where you couldn't control create 2 years of mediocre work. This is going to stop. You had the opportunity to stop the snowball from rolling down the hill, instead you complained about there being such a big snowball. While everyone else didn't get one instead of just stopping the snowball.

This has less to do with self-love more to do with complaining about how life is unfair. Life is so unfair........ to the children who never even got a chance. To the people who were born with all sorts of shit. Life isn't fair. We've gotta accept that fact. I've been hearing this shit since I was like 8 from myself. This is something that is taught in school. Everything needs to be fair in school. But that is not real life. THAT IS THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE OF REAL LIFE.

Life isn't fair. Life isn't fair. Life isn't fair.

Some are born with talent. Others aren't. Some will be happy, others won't. Once I get this through in my head i'll stop complaining about this shit and actually take responsibility and actually do something. 

Some are born with good looks, others are born being short and look like a kid( me).

 

What a nice way to transition to my next topic.

Dating - what can I do to interact with females. Create a profile, and start swiping right lol. 

There's going to be all sorts of bullshit. Oh no, I might face an embarassing situation. Oh no, what if they are mean to me.

 

There's 2 choices.

Don't try <- no pain, but in the long term eternal pain

Or try and fail. with a small chance of success <- extreme pain that turns into pride for atleast trying. Be nice to yourself for just trying.

 

Welp, i've decided to go with option 1. I'm staying in a cave for the rest of my life. PEACE.

 

 

srry I wanna go back to my first topic, I just found such a nice transition there. Life is not fair, I seem to have accepted it. Life is not fair.

I'm just gonna go for a walk to drill that shit into my head.

 

 

[Proactive]

@modmyth

yes, your video inspired me to start trying. That dude was in -10 degrees. ?

[Proactive]

How to fail faster.

When you fail, your mind wanders off. When you can't comprehend it, your mind will wander away. This is by design. My mind is looking for ways to solve this problem that is outside of what i'm thinking. This leads to automatic procrastination.

Where I end up looking is incorrect. I'm not going to find answers on youtube, or reddit.

 

Idk, maybe we'll find the answer another time. For now, we just need to realize, then loosen our brain and allow it to roam around to find an answer. Guide it though, don't allow it to go on youtube.

[Raptorsin7]

You SUCK. I hope you fail 1 billion times! 

Then I hope you succeed! 

(:

[Proactive]

@Raptorsin7

How dare you tell me to succeed. 

 

Ultimately what i'm after in life is connection.

 

HOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW, HOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

It definitely is not sitting in some office.

Its by earning my freedom.

 

Anddddddddddddd, the only place where we have freedom is the present moment. TADA.

 

No-fap

holy smokerinos. I don't know how much longer I can make it.

My goal is to make it to tomorrow.

 

Today I was very distracted and thus was unable to channel my energy.

This desire too shalt pass. It is so strong.

 

I want to use this energy to build me towards connection. Ok, so i'm going to just use the energy right now.

 

How will I get connection?

freedom? Being in the moment. Not being controlled by society. Or lessen it. Ultimately all control is in my own hands. Society does push me a bit.

Connection is the understanding of someone/something else.

 

So what i'm after ultimately is understanding.

 

[Proactive]

channeling depression onto work observations

How come sometimes depression stops me from doing homework. Then others it makes me go into flow-state?

 

Definitely intensity of feeling and what type of work I am doing plays a big part. But what I noticed today was that we weren't supressing emotions. We also weren't trying to resolve the situation logically. The feeling of hopelessness ran out of my heart as I focused on the homework.

The situation is something I can't control(talked about a couple of posts ago). The fact that I couldn't do anything but just accept what i'm feeling. To just take in all that pain fueled me.

[Proactive]

focus on what you can control

 

I do well with that when life is pushing me down. When things are going badly I can forget about it all, and just focus on what I can control

 

I am however unprepared for when things are going up, when my ego is making me feel like i'm doing well.

Idk how to explain it, but its like pride. Arrogance. Because I WAS this. 

 

What's happening is i'm getting caught in the past.

What we should do is forget the past, it is something we are not anymore. I am not what I did.

Just take a deep breathe, and just forget about it all. 

 

Just a alternative solution, remind yourself of your failures. Remind yourself of how unworthy you are. Bring your false confidence down.

 

What should I do now.

 

What am I feeling?

I had gained a little bit more awareness onto what consciousness is in the morning today. So I may do some spiritual practices.

 

Or I can continue doing homework, and improve my chances of survival. Gaining freedom.

 

Or I can contemplate about things.

 

I'm going to exercise because I have a lot of energy. Then I'm going to go with the flow, but I feel like it's going to be meditation, then work. 

[Proactive]

Cultivating the inner world.

So in life there are many contradictory things. Where in order to get external things, you must focus on the internal.

Such as attracting other people, you need to not care about attracting other people.

 

So a problem I notice with myself is that in order to achieve these external activities, I am externally motivated to become internally motivated.

 

This is not sustainable. Once other people become attracted to you, you feel a sense of joy or something. You overreact, which makes you ultimately externally motivated.

You need to be internally motivated because you are internally motivated. 

But am I really? This is a big idea, that can be applied in many subtle ways. That I suspect will be very hard to catch.

 

Honestly rather than working on improving my social abilities, I think I should just be working on this. I've worked on it enough. 

 

This is weird, I am externally motivated to become internally motivated still. It's like something that you can't hide.

TO BE CONTINUED.

 

 

 

[Proactive]

How to become truly internally motivated

How to not give a fuck. I read the art of not giving a fuck. I read 30% of it, just like all 20 books I have. Idk i'm weird. Maybe I should actually buy books.

Anyways.

 

To become truly internally motivated, you need a reward that is internal. Your goals should never be external. In the back of my mind it does guide everything I do honestly. But I can hide it pretty well, by creating internal goals. Then just focusing on it really hard. 

Therefore the only thing that stops me from being internally motivated is the amount of consciousness I put into an activity. It's like tackling one branch at a time, rather than looking at where all these branches start from.

Such as socializing, school.

 

Where do these 2 branches connect?

They are obviously connected by the need to survive? To feel good?

socializing is more of a lower-self need, while school is a higher-self need.

In the end we do need a balance of caring, but not caring. Don't not care so much that you don't even look at external goals. Don't not care so much about internal goals, because that is all you can really control. Yeah, once again i'm tackling the branches but not the root. Because there's a certain point I am on the scale for every subject.

I care too much about school, and I care too little about socialization sometimes.

 

There are beliefs I can adopt to permanently remove some of these branches. Such as realizing that there is no self, that I am everybody. Then I won't need other people. Because I am you, and I love myself. But yeah. 

I feel like i'm mentally masturbating too much once again. 

[Proactive]

I caught myself in the mirror today. What I SAW SHOCKED ME FOREVER. find out ON THE NEXT LINE OF THIS POST!

Yeah, so I look so weird. Basically my eyes were in puppy-mode. But it didn't look cute, it looked really weird cuz i'm 19 and not a kid. Regardless of what I looked like, I changed it to one of being self-fulfilled. Not needing anything and I looked way better. 

People often ignore me, reject me like really quickly. This is a sign that I am not being authentic. I am not changing because I want their approval. I am changing because I am not being myself. 

 

Become more masculine, stop thinking so much.

lets do something more masculine.

 

I have 1 day tomorrow. Lets do something.

ok, first thing. TALK TO SOMEONE. Where? I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

Tomorrow, i'm going to walk to school. If I see a person I have to say 

hi whats your name.

then flow from there. 

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

 

if you don't see anyone, study, then go somewhere else. Then do it.

We are talking 1 random stranger tomorrow.

simple as that. Not that difficult.

fuck outcome.

 

So i've been listening to the way of the superior-man btw.

Now I want to have a larger time-span kill-list. 

How do I want to "fuck the world, then spread my seeds of love" lol

What are my seeds is the precise questions.

• depends on what I love to do. Simple as that.

I do have an idea that could possibly make me lots of money. But I'm not really interested in that, i'm doing it to make babies in the world yuh know ???

 

I enjoy coming up with creative solutions to problems. I enjoy elegant design and shit like that. To design something from scratch.

 

What problem am I going to solve?

So what the fuck am I going to do? Stop fucking around. I am going to create the next light bulb. I am going to create a new invention that is absolutely ground-breaking.

So, lets start with a strategy.

So I really liked inventions like the light-bulb. It used physics, in a way never thought possible. I'm not looking for shitty inventions that use other inventions on top.

I am going to use what is at the forefront of physics, and turn it into cash. 

We need a combination between loving the process, aswell as loving the result. We need to move fast, but also be sustainable.

30mins of learning, 30mins of design/contemplation of what i've learnt. 

[Proactive]

If I fail yesterdays goal.

I will feel happy, because that is a true failure. 

A true failure is the test of oneself.

I love failure for some reason.

 

If you were were forced off a cliff, as a knife is slowly being pressed into your skin. Would you jump? Would you attempt to fly?

This is what is happening in our life. In everyone's life.

 

Your outcomes here are you die slowly by the knife. You die quickly from gravity. Or you fly.

 

Some may call you crazy because you jumped. But are you really the crazy one?

What we should be afraid of is the knife, not the cliff.

Edited November 17, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

ok back to less seriousness

 

I should find something I enjoy to do. I've like squashed everything I like to do because i'm addicted to them.

I'm feeling more confident at the moment. 

I wonder if i'm bipolar.

 

Idk. In life we are expected to have hobbies, I want my hobbies to be my job. So they ultimately don't become hobbies.

I'm too goal oriented again.

 

Gotta get practices that make me less so. 

 

Like right now, i'm just happy doing nothing I suppose. If someone ever asks me what are your hobbies?

"Oh I like to do nothing. "

But honestly, it's pretty nice. Stop chasing goal after goal after goal after goal.

But chasing goals is what feels nice.

 

so I failed the challenge today, everyone looked so busy while I was walking to school.

but yeh, lets just enjoy this moment.

life is chill. Life is meaningless.

like a river in a pond. sounded nice, so I said it

 

lets just create more, and more, and more text. CREATE A WALL OF TEXT. ONE THAT IS IMPENETRABLE.

NOBODY WILL GET THROUGH ALL THIS TEXT AHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHHAHA.

 

What do I enjoy to do anyways?

I like take the fun out of everything I do with my ambition.

 

I am always moving. Never just watching as the sun goes down. No need to go anywhere. Just stay here.

stay here. Why do anything?

lets just sit here forever.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[Proactive]

Time to disolve into everything around me.

 

woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

 

btw thats the sound of wind tearing through my body.

 

All that's left is nothing. Just like how it started as.

 

man I really want to nut. No, we shalt NOT. We shalt use this energy. 

 

[Proactive]

I'm a great failure.

I'm an amazing failure!

 

Today I got sad, because I remembered my most painful failures.

Failing 2 physics courses. Victim mentality.

 

I had been stabbed in the heart once,

Then while I was down, I was stabbed once more.

 

Oh man, this excites me!

I'm down on the ground right now, hope is low.

Everyone else I was running with initially is starting to reach out of sight.

 

But I am going to get back there, I am going to catch up. Oh boy, i'm excited.

I'm going to make it back there, and be stronger than ever.

 

I'm going to embody the masculine, and just fucking run. Run, just because.

I'm going to outrun everyone. Become at the forefront.

 Not giving a fuck about anyone, or anything. If it gets in my way, it's dieing.

 

This wound I have is what makes me strong, I'm alive, and i'm rebuilding this wound with gold.

[Raptorsin7]

What part of Canada are you from? I'm a fellow Canadian haha

Edited November 20, 2019 by Raptorsin7

[Proactive]

@Raptorsin7 srry, don't wanna say. I've posted way too much personal stuff on this forum. ??????

[Raptorsin7]

Np (:

[Proactive]

My self-confidence appears to have gone down, but really I think it's a matter of just posture, and looking at people for me at the moment.

 

I've been listening to  THE SIX PILLARS OF SELF-ESTEEM.

reading is for old people.

Anyways. There's a concept call self-acceptance. Then there's self-trust

I have been working on self-acceptance, but never realized there's another fascet to self-esteem or whatever called SELF-TRUST.

That is why I am quiet even though I feel pretty decent in the moment.