Issue with a date from Tinder/Bumble

[Raptorsin7]

I have been talking to a girl on bumble, I am 24 she is 29, and we are making plans to meet. However, i looked up her facebook, at least what I think is her facebook, and she has mutual friends with 2 yoga instructors at my yoga studio. This makes me very uncomfortable, because I really only use dating apps out of boredom and maybe to find a casual fling, and it makes me really uncomfortable that whatever happens with this girl could get back to my yoga studio. I don't know the extend of the relationship between this girl and my studio but nevertheless I still feel very uncomfortable about this whole situation. 

I don't know what to do now, I don't want to ghost her because it could affect my reputation at my yoga school, but i'm also deeply troubled by the closeness of this girl to my yoga studio. I'm new to the studio, around 1 month, but i go frequently, around 6 times a week, so i care about how i'm perceived there. I'm honestly not opposed to dating someone in yoga circles, but I have no intention of having a serious relationship with this bumble girl and I'm worried about the ramifications in the studio. How i'm perceived by teachers, what if i meet someone in yoga i actually really like and wanted to date etcc

Any tips or thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

[Dlavjr]

Fuck what others think man do what you wanna do. Don't worry about how others perceive you, you're paying your instructors to provide a service to you, you don't need a relationship with them. Besides you'd be surprised how little other people care about your personal life. It's none of their business. 

[Raptorsin7]

@Dlavjr I do care about what people around me think, I value my reputation. But i agree about how much others care, I may be overblowing this but idk

[Forestluv]

1 hour ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I really only use dating apps out of boredom and maybe to find a casual fling, and it makes me really uncomfortable that whatever happens with this girl could get back to my yoga studio.

I don't know what to do now, I don't want to ghost her because it could affect my reputation at my yoga school, but i'm also deeply troubled by the closeness of this girl to my yoga studio.

I'm honestly not opposed to dating someone in yoga circles, but I have no intention of having a serious relationship with this bumble girl and I'm worried about the ramifications in the studio. How i'm perceived by teachers, what if i meet someone in yoga i actually really like and wanted to date etc

It sounds like you want to compartmentalize your flings into one compartment and yoga into another compartment. Nothing wrong with that. I would just be honest with her and tell her that you prefer not to date someone within your yoga community. I don't date anyone at my work, especially not for a casual fling. It's common for people not to want to date within inner circles. If things got messy in dating, it could spread to the social group. 

I would also look at the underlying cause of the discomfort. You mention things like "your reputation" at the yoga group. It sounds like you want anonymity within a fling, in case things get messy - which could happen. It seems like you are trying to play two characters. A wholesome health-conscious person in the yoga circle, and a flingster of hookups outside of yoga. Nothing wrong with that. We play multiple characters in life. My co-workers know very little about my personal escapades and I wouldn't have a fling with a co-worker. . . However, this can get out of control. A guy can want anonymity to escape consequences of bad behavior. For example, if a guy manipulates a gal for sex and doesn't want anyone to know about it. That is very different than a consensual fling in which both people know what they are getting into. Personally, I would be very cautious about getting into a consensual fling with someone within my social group. I know I could handle it, yet many women say they are open to a casual fling, yet deep down want a relationship. After a couple times of sex, they can get emotionally involved beyond a casual fling. This can cause messy ripple effects. 

[Raptorsin7]

@Serotoninluv Very good analysis i think you have my situation pegged accurately. I told this girl that I don't want a relationship and i want a casual fling so I feel like i'm being as honest as possible, and I have no intention of manipulating her into having sex with me even if she wants something completely different. I think if i act ethically and honestly with this girl then I will have no reason to be ashamed if details come back to my yoga school. Should i bring up the fact that we have common friends through yoga or is that too forward given we haven't met yet?

[Raptorsin7]

13 minutes ago, Serotoninluv said:

Personally, I would be very cautious about getting into a consensual fling with someone within my social group. I know I could handle it, yet many women say they are open to a casual fling, yet deep down want a relationship. After a couple times of sex, they can get emotionally involved beyond a casual fling. This can cause messy ripple effects. 

 

This is my biggest concern regarding this bumble situation. Even if all things go well, this is always a possibility. 

[universe]

That sounds a bit neurotic to me

[Forestluv]

22 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

@Serotoninluv Very good analysis i think you have my situation pegged accurately. I told this girl that I don't want a relationship and i want a casual fling so I feel like i'm being as honest as possible, and I have no intention of manipulating her into having sex with me even if she wants something completely different. I think if i act ethically and honestly with this girl then I will have no reason to be ashamed if details come back to my yoga school. Should i bring up the fact that we have common friends through yoga or is that too forward given we haven't met yet?

You told her you only want a casual fling and she is still interested and wants to see you? That would be very appealing to me. Especially since she is into Yoga. That can be a great fling. . . I would just casually mention the Yoga studio with something like "I noticed you go to xyz Yoga. I've been going there to. It's a great group of people". Then she how she responds. I think this is useful for her to, she might not want to have a fling with someone at the studio. For all you know, she may hope to find a long-term partner at the studio someday. . . It could be awkward if you hook up and then she is surprised to see you at yoga class. Yet I would just bring it up casually, without any drama or creating an issue. Who knows, she may have just gone a couple times and prefers another studio.

For me, I would also be mindful of how good the chemistry is and her maturity level. If the chemistry is meh, it's probably not worth it. Also, many gals say they are open to a casual fling, yet want more. They actually do believe they just want a casual fling and aren't aware of how they might get emotionally attached. I would try and get a sense if she really does have a casual fling personality and could handle it. Things like her mentioning she would like to introduce you to her family early on would be a red flag that she isn't oriented toward a casual fling.  I wouldn't overtly bring this stuff up like it's an interview. I would just get a feel for it. How she acts and behaves and your chemistry. . . There won't be a problem while you are in the fling. It's all fun and games. Even at the yoga studio. You two might agree to have a secret fling and give each other coded sexual suggestions during yoga. Or you might decide to let others know. . . The problem comes with the breakup and how that goes. Then it could get uncomfortable at yoga. Imagine if one of you starts dating someone else and you see each other at yoga. When people get emotionally involved, it can get messy. Both men and women can get emotionally involved, yet women have stronger emotional bonding hormones after sex than guys. 

[Raptorsin7]

@Serotoninluv She asked me what I wanted and i told her i wanted something casual, and specifically i don't want something serious. She said she's cool with it if i'm honest and respectful, which i thought was unusual but whatever. 

I don't think she actually practices in my studio, but two of her friends on fb are yoga instructors at my yoga studio. I don't know the extent of the relationship, but I just don't like the idea of combining the part of me that want's a fun fling from tinder/bumble with the part of me that wants to self-actualize and achieve enlightenment. I know its all part of the same process, but right now i'm 24 and i guess the problem is I know i don't want to have casual flings as I get older and it's not the kind of person i want to be in the future, but the yoga practice is all about who i'm trying to be in the future. 

I think i will feel comfortable if i act as ethical as possible and be as honest and straight forward as possible. I have no concern for me getting emotionally invested, I either will find a way to make her like to me or just accept and move on, but if she got invested and things get out of hand i'd be upset. But i do want to see this through, I like the idea of pushing through something that makes me really uncomfortable. Especially if people on here view this conduct as not completely unacceptable, like if i was trying to trick a girl into losing her virginity to me or something

[Forestluv]

@Raptorsin7 It sounds cool to me. If you are honest and respectful to her and care about her well-being, she probably won't bad-mouth you to her yoga instructor friends. That would be very cynical. This type of thing is pretty easy to pick up on in one or two dates. If she is cynical it's pretty obvious.

The fact that she does yoga is a good sign she could be stage green on the SD scale. They are fairly rare. Green isn't too self-centered and transcactional. Greens generally don't want to bring others down, especially if you treat her well. And Green sex is amazing. You mentioned you want to transition away from regular sex flings. I imagine you could learn a lot from her and grow a lot. If she is into Yoga, it's very likely she is into other Green things - healthy diet, fitness, open communication, creativity, spirituality etc. 

The key for me would be if it was open, honest and mutual. If I started to feel like I was taking advantage of her for my own gain, I would back off. 

[Raptorsin7]

@Serotoninluv  Sounds good thanks a lot for your advice I appreciate it. I'm going to see this through, ill definitely be alert for red flags too.

[Raptorsin7]

@universe Very much so, but idk how that helps me...

[Dlavjr]

1 hour ago, Raptorsin7 said:

@Dlavjr I do care about what people around me think, I value my reputation. But i agree about how much others care, I may be overblowing this but idk

I don't wanna come off as harsh. I get that you wanna avoid unnecessary conflict and you wanna maintain a good relationship with your yoga group, and that's reasonable. Just me personally, I feel like your social reputation is a little pointless. If we were talking a career, then it'd be a different story. You don't wanna jeopardize your career, especially if you've come a long way to build your position. But for extra carricular things, most people take it less seriously. I'm not sure how tight your yoga group is, I've never really been in a group like that so I'm not sure what it's like socially, but I can't imagine anything inherently bad could happen. Honestly, be open about it, say you're talking to a girl casually, ask how they know her. I personally don't think people should differ their personalities too much between social groups if at all. Be yourself in all cases. People value that. After all it's not what you say it's how you say it. You're not being a pig about it, you met a girl and wanna keep it casual. Not too uncommon. If your yoga group REALLY would have that much of an issue with it, then they're far too judgemental and you shouldn't even pay any mind. And if she was to try and break your reputation, if you're already open about the situation, then you'd have nothing to worry about, because they'd have a good understanding of who you are and the situation and you'd be able to back yourself up. All in all, don't stress yourself out so much about the what ifs. Let yourself enjoy life and just be mindful, and be authentic. Be the same person wherever you go, be you. 

[Raptorsin7]

@Dlavjr I appreciate you taking time to comment. I agree i definitively care about the opinion  of others too much, but don't actually view me caring about my social reputation as a bad thing. Granted, in the future if i realize that it is holding me back from genuine happiness then I would view it as a problem. But in the mean time i'm comfortable with this part of me.

[universe]

On 19.10.2019 at 1:51 AM, Raptorsin7 said:

@universe Very much so, but idk how that helps me...

A neurosis will make your life miserable

Did you see this video?

Towards the end there are good tips on how to get rid of it.

[Wisebaxter]

@Raptorsin7 What does your heart say bro? What feels good in your body? Not your Johnson, we know what that will say, but what feels like the loving option? What would love do? If you loved this person as another human and loved yourself fully? If you were preventing the most amount of suffering. Again, use your body as an indicator. The answer you come up with may not be the easiest one, that's the challenge. But it will ultimately make you feel better than anything else