Would love come clarification on how to move forward.

[Shir]

Thank you everyone for helping me in my previous situation. It has helped to give me come clarify. Sadly things took a turn and an outburst of emotions happened. 

I want to be clear that I am not proud of the way I've dealt with it 100%, hence why I feel the need to ask how to move forward from this situation.

Long story short - to those that maybe have read my previous situation with said man - and to those that have not...

We fell into a fight and harsh words have been said, in my opinion from both sides. It feels too painful to get into the words that have been said towards me, as I thought we had an amazing connection but I was left shocked and very badly hurt by a person whom I thought cared and loved me and that has claimed to adore me. He has also admitted to emotional cheating and proudly flaunting how the woman is far better than I am, shamelessly feeling the need to say that.

What I wanted to bring up is MY response to the way he treated me. I lost my cool and said harsh things, which again I am very much not proud of and I've never said such things in life, at least not to this extent. In the heat of the moment, they felt very justified and I did not regret it. Looking back right now, a day plus after...I am left baffled with myself as to how to move forward and what to say. I feel uneasy. Like a bad person. 

What I told him was that I hate him and that I wish he and I had never met. And other things, but these were the pain 2 things that have stuck with me.

In my heart, I feel bad for saying them right now. I really do. I have a desire to go back and apologize for them, because life is short and I realize that. However, there's another part of me that's SO hurt, to the point where even if I do go ahead and apologize - I would ALSO honestly feel like I am hurting myself, if that makes sense. In a way, betraying that part of me that's so hurt by this man. 

I would like to preference this and say I am THAT person that apologizes too much, to the point where people have always told me to stop and that I'm fine and that I should apologize less...

I am honestly lost on if I should just, literally, leave this alone and what ever happens happens or if I should apologize.

On an emotional-spiritual level I am not proud of my actions however I do feel that I have been very much wronged and emotionally and mentally abused by this man. Before this huge argument, I have put up boundaries in order to let him know that his actions are NOT okay and have asked to be treated better however he has not only ignored my words but has processed to ignore but also  belittle and mock them, claiming he doesn't feel like he's done anything wrong. Needless to say that that got me emotional as I felt very poorly treated and an argument insued and so this situation has come to be.

He was the one to say goodbye and cut ties with me and so my words that were said above, were my response to THOSE words as well as his harsh words...and by me saying "goodbye" to end them.

He has read everything and has said "bye" instead of goodbye again (is that an indication that he secretly doesn't want it to actually be a goodbye?.

 

Please let me know if I should apologize or not at all because this has been weighing on my heart at the same time that I am in pain because of him.

[Gili Trawangan]

My two cents: no need to apologize or ever contact him again. Let it go, it sounds like whatever you once had is now inexorably broken.

You've said your goodbyes, and sometimes goodbyes are bitter and that's ok too. Start getting over him and move on with your life.

Good luck.

[Shir]

@Gili Trawangan

1 hour ago, Gili Trawangan said:

My two cents: no need to apologize or ever contact him again. Let it go, it sounds like whatever you once had is now inexorably broken.

You've said your goodbyes, and sometimes goodbyes are bitter and that's ok too. Start getting over him and move on with your life.

Good luck.

Thank you for your insight, Gili...I really appreciate it! It has helped me some, right now. 

I agree that things are broken. I'm just sadly that type of person that even when they're really hurt and or broken myself, I still feel the need to make things right and feel guilty and uneasy to have wronged someone even though in most cases I was more wronged than not. I understand now that maybe I don't have to do that all the time anymore.

I think as you said that I should just let it go and leave it at that...Thank You for the wonderful advice!

Thank you! Good luck to you too <333

[Dlavjr]

I agree, honestly you might have had a bit of a fuck up emotionally but just learn from it and move on, don't dwell. There's no way you'd even benefit from giving in and apologizing, it's not like it's a relationship worth fixing. The situation came to a head, and it's resolved itself albeit in a bit of an unhealthy matter, but not everybody is gonna like you and not every relationship you have is gonna end respectfully. Things happen, you should feel happy that you got yourself out of that situation, because it would've torn you apart if not. 

[drmiller100]

Do you regret saying "I hate you"?  Do you regret saying those words?   If so, apologize.   If not, don't.

Be honest with you for you. 

When done, and things have settled, look back and ask yourself if you did teh best you could in the situation.  Sometimes anger is totally appropriate as it helps us make change.   But sometimes the way we channel that can use some fine tuning.      Smiles...............