Strong woman eyes energy

[28 cm unbuffed]

@Nahm When she was sleeping at my place, when I chickened out, I told myself a lie, just not to approach her then. Like @mandyjw said, it might be an avoidance issue. 

Day after that happened I realised what I've done and my mind came with all of these "fuck, I tricked myself into not approaching again, how I could be so stupid", but this time I decided that I will not let this go just like that and fight.

All of these envious thought came up and I started vomiting like crazy. 

My "self - worth" increased and girl from the past, that I avoided and created this "karmic circle" wrote me, just to say sorry and that it wasn't ok, that she didn't just talk to me and prefered to make me jealous, talking to other guys, just to make me do something. 

Right now I have the same kind of thoughts, but I have no idea - should i remain calm and not get "triggered" by envy or to become more curious and question everything? 

I mean - I have no idea if I trust people too much or too little?

I think this time I have to stand up and fight, no matter what. 

Edited October 20, 2019 by 28 cm unbuffed

[egoeimai]

On 10/17/2019 at 2:03 PM, 28 cm unbuffed said:

So, i have a relation with this girl, that I really like (even more than that, I got feeling towards her) and she was sleeping at my place one day. I thought that something can happen, but I wasn't determined for anything. 

First of all, I love you, because your nickname is everything to make my life happier ???????????

Okay. So. Yeah don't expect anything. Just live it experience it. Don't think about it. 

On 10/17/2019 at 2:03 PM, 28 cm unbuffed said:

We were talking and she asked some question about monogamy and I've answered "yes", which happened to be a test from her part. After I "passed that test", I felt strong, passionate, predatory, sexual energy from her and she gave me that kind of look: 

 

Knowing that is was a test you answered on purpose or it was coming right of you? 

Hahaha that look. 

 

On 10/17/2019 at 2:03 PM, 28 cm unbuffed said:

It was too strong for me to handle, I panicked and went to a bathroom. I looked myself in a mirror and decided I will not do anything about it, my trauma was too strong and i chickened out. 

Okay. It's okay don't judge yourself about it. You'll eventually come out of your shell. Don't stress about it. The less you think about it the more chances you have to do something. 

On 10/17/2019 at 2:03 PM, 28 cm unbuffed said:

We met again after that and when we were talking, I felt the same kind of look from her couple of times. It's so fucking strong energy I don't know how to handle it.

I know it's some kind of "shadow" issue, and I think I have to "fight my own Scar" to go pass throught it, but I have no idea what it really is and how to do it.

It may be some sex-related trauma (when i was 5 i woke up and my parents were having sex next to me and i thought my father is hurting my mother), but I had sex a lot of times already and I'm not sure why this time this is something "too much for me", maybe because I'm really into this girl and it's not some average girl, but a girl I can really build future with.

That could be the case but that doesn't mean it's that only. Could be other cases as well. For example her presence is stressing you out. It has to do with your own self it doesn't mean it's trauma related. Maybe low self esteem (so common) or anxiety disorder, can be anything related to your sexual performance. But don't think about it. Go for it and see what happens. Remember that her look is not gonna kill you in any way. She is playing her sexy flirting game and that's her part to show you what she wants. It is was it is. Accept this eye look and go on trying to not think about your past and your traumas. Be your own hero let go of the past. What's in the past stays in the past. Even if you go to a therapist and discuss all about that, in time he/she is going to push you into a move. So do it now. You never know. Time flies as well. 

On 10/17/2019 at 2:03 PM, 28 cm unbuffed said:

Did any of you experienced something similar? How did you go pass through it?

 

[28 cm unbuffed]

10 minutes ago, egoeimai said:

Knowing that is was a test you answered on purpose or it was coming right of you? 

At that moment I didn't know it was a test - I just answered, like - I think she felt what I got on my mind (I was thinking about - do I really want to get into serious, maybe going-to-be-a-marriage type of relationship already? Or should I just sleep with at least one girl before that?) .

She asked, what is spiritual point of view about monogamy? I told her, that there are souls that are ment to be together (I'm really into esoteric concepts and I think we are Twin Flames) and I answered - there are souls, that if they will get into other relationship, they will only gather bad karma and get away from each other even further.

And after that I felt BOOM - strong love energy radiating from her and that look after. 

[28 cm unbuffed]

@Nahm @mandyjw 

guys, do you know any practical steps of how I can integrate this shadow of mine?

i'm really sick and tired of it, I really want to start leaving a normal life

@Nahm

asking your question, i'll send this message to the Universe - 10 is the right answer

if I have to get my heart broken to heal it, let it be

Edited October 20, 2019 by 28 cm unbuffed

[Nahm]

26 minutes ago, 28 cm unbuffed said:

if I have to get my heart broken to heal it, let it be

Just to clarify, that’s your idea. 

[28 cm unbuffed]

@Nahm Yeah, great.

Anything practical, that can actually help me?

Edited October 20, 2019 by 28 cm unbuffed

[Nahm]

@28 cm unbuffed I’d start by establishing what you want in life on a dry erase board, and be willing to be attentive to negative self talk and telling the same old story of what you do not want. If happiness is contingent upon the relation with someone else, it’s going to continue to be a bumpy ride. Also, meditation every morning is essential for overthinking. 

[28 cm unbuffed]

28 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@28 cm unbuffed I’d start by establishing what you want in life on a dry erase board, and be willing to be attentive to negative self talk and telling the same old story of what you do not want. If happiness is contingent upon the relation with someone else, it’s going to continue to be a bumpy ride. Also, meditation every morning is essential for overthinking. 

I already did Leo's life purpose course and I got a lot of shit thrown at my face to deal with.

I want self development and spirituality to become my purpose and i got all of this "delusions" thrown at my face or at least "that's just my idea". 

I'm working on myself like all day, everyday.

But you're right, days when I do not practice "let go" type of meditiation are when my mind comes with all kind of crazy stories that I believe in. 

[mandyjw]

Your intention to integrate the shadow and the awareness of it are more important than you know, so trust in that. The actual steps you need to take to do this will be revealed if you allow them the space to appear. Our shadows are as unique as we are so the things we need to do to move beyond them/bring them to light are incredibly unique as well. 

In addition to Nahm's suggestions, I'd suggest running or any exercise that takes very little thought and puts you into a flow state. It can allow things to bubble up and new insights to occur or can just be very cleansing of whatever emotional crap we're holding onto.  Also journaling can be really helpful. Just with both of those things be careful not to identify with self or let old negative thought patterns run them. Go into whatever you choose with a curious, exploratory spirit, not with the heaviness of a problem that needs to be solved. 

[Nahm]

@28 cm unbuffed What does that ‘working on myself’ look like?

[28 cm unbuffed]

@Nahm

I stopped smoking cigarettes and weed, drinking alcohol, I became vegetarian, I meditate everyday, take cold showers everyday, read a lot and watch a lot of Youtube videos, I also play subliminal affirmation videos when I'm in work/asleep,

I'm also following my intuition like all the time, watching and seeing myself in other people. I work a lot with symbols and signs that Universe brings me. RIght now I'm also doing body opening and emotional cartharsis exercises. 

I practice yoga and muay thai, I also started to visit sauna more often and I want to get a massage once a month too. 

Edited October 20, 2019 by 28 cm unbuffed

[Nahm]

@28 cm unbuffed Great, great work. ??

In your words, what is the shadow? Not In general, but the one you want to let go of. 

[28 cm unbuffed]

18 hours ago, Nahm said:

@28 cm unbuffed Great, great work. ??

In your words, what is the shadow? Not In general, but the one you want to let go of. 

Not sure what is the root cause of mine shadow, I guess it's all oriented around being "adult child of an alcoholic".

Fear of intimacy, strong need for love (neediness), jealousy (trust issue towards women), always looking for some "drama" - tendency to choose the "hard way of life", because that's something I experienced as a child to be "normal". 

I just don't know what root cause of all of this is. I'm having dreams and intuitions about how my emotional body is hurt (unheatlhy lover archetype) and that always brings thoughts like "am I gay or something?"

Since I remember, always just before getting together with a girl I liked, I autosabotaged myself.

Ps. I considered being gay, like a lot. The fact is - men do not arouse me, the best case is that I might be bisexual but I also doubt that. It's something connected to showing my feelings and being soft, gentle, caring, loving. 

 

Edited October 21, 2019 by 28 cm unbuffed

[Nahm]

1 hour ago, 28 cm unbuffed said:

Not sure what is the root cause of mine shadow, I guess it's all oriented around being "adult child of an alcoholic".

That so weird because to me you seem like you. And you seem to be so much more than that. However, if you identify as an “adult child of an alcoholic” I guess I will call you that too, I’ll identify you that way also. I don’t want to disrespect your beliefs. I learned that lesson already with my parents and Catholicism. They have deep identity beliefs too. People get’s all angry when you disrespect their beliefs about who they are. 

Fear of intimacy,

What specifically? Hugging? Talking intimately? Sex?   What exactly there are you afraid of, in actuality? 

strong need for love (neediness),

That’s a belief... “need”. Holding it is suffering, because it maintains the facade of the separate self...the one who “needs” love could never, ever, itself, realize what love it, and what you are. Sneaky. 

jealousy (trust issue towards women),

Another sneaky belief...that you ‘need to’ trust women. Trust isn’t needed, scrutinizing your beliefs, which lead you to believe trust is needed, is what is needed. Without the limiting beliefs about yourself - there’s no remaining “need”. 

always looking for some "drama" - tendency to choose the "hard way of life", because that's something I experienced as a child to be "normal".

You can keep choosing the same perspective, or you can choose any other perspective. Up to you. Writing a perspective down, and then writing the opposite down, can be very eye opening. It helps to see, it’s just a perspective, a belief. But then...you might find you’re wrong, in the sense, it’s just an identity belief, a thought, you’re identifying with / as. You don’t have to.  

I just don't know what root cause of all of this is.

It’s beliefs, which you are believing, so you think they’re true. They’re not. None of these beliefs are who you are. You are the awareness of thought & beliefs, so a thought or belief could never define you, could never define what is aware of the thoughts & beliefs. Always up to you to do the inspection of this, and let go. 

I'm having dreams and intuitions about how my emotional body is hurt (unheatlhy lover archetype) and that always brings thoughts like "am I gay or something?"

It’s the belief you are “an archetype”. You are not your thought “archetype”. You are you, aware of, thoughts & beliefs. You are not the thoughts & beliefs. There seems to be confusion present about this. 

If you keep identifying your self as such, you keep experiencing as such, and suffering. It’s not what anyone else did, or anything which you experienced. It’s the choice to recreate and believe these things, over and over. That is attachment to thoughts & beliefs - suffering. Buddhism 101. 

Since I remember, always just before getting together with a girl I liked, I autosabotaged myself.

I(1) autosabotaged my self(2). You’re sneakiness game is incredible, I’ll give you that. But you are not two, you are One. Consider making a dream board with a dry erase board...and also using it to write just such a phrase, so you can have a look with your eyes, and inspect the subtle nuanced of language in which the “separate self” hides to well. 

Ps. I considered being gay, like a lot. The fact is - men do not arouse me, the best case is that I might be bisexual but I also doubt that. It's something connected to showing my feelings and being soft, gentle, caring, loving. 

Do you maybe have some beliefs, that being soft, gentle, caring, and loving...is... “gay” ?

Maybe there was a male in your childhood, in an influential position / role, who was very much not soft, gentle, caring, and loving. Maybe that person understood less than you. Maybe they acted from lower consciousness, and as you are raising yours, you can understand them, their lower conscious motives, impulses, beliefs, and defenses. Becoming higher conscious than your parents means letting some stuff go.

 

 

[28 cm unbuffed]

@Nahm

There were moments when I was with this girl and I felt urge to hug her, to tickle her etc.

Hugging seemed really "needy" move for me - don't get me wrong, our "hello" is hugging each other, just, when I was feeling like it's not going anywhere I felt this desparate urge inside of me to just grab her and not let her go. 

I really need to look at myself when I have these urges and let things flow naturally I guess.

But that's why I did when I first time say "the look", that's why I'm confused. Fear/trauma feeling was too strong to break.

 

Edited October 21, 2019 by 28 cm unbuffed

[Nahm]

@28 cm unbuffed Hug just to hug, and that is it. Nothing is needed. It doesn’t need to “go somewhere”. A hug, here, now, is enough, for a hug. “The look” is just the look. These things come and go. You don’t not come and go. Relax in that, and appreciate the events unfolding, just for what they are. Beauty is revealed like magic. Express these feelings. To her, in a journal, here, to a friend, anyone you’re comfy with. You’re doing great. Today is a beautiful day, just as it is. Nothing is needed.

[28 cm unbuffed]

@Nahm Thanks man, love you for saying that. 

[Nahm]

@28 cm unbuffed ?? Love you.

[28 cm unbuffed]

@Nahm

I'm getting what you were trying to tell me. Like someone said "It's not mountain that you are trying to conquer, it's yourself".

I'm finally getting into a stage of my journey, where I'm getting freedom. And freedom is a state of mind.

Right now there's a lot of emotions, crying and purging happening.

Thank you.

[Nahm]

@28 cm unbuffed awww ya got me good right there.  ??♥️