Strong woman eyes energy

[28 cm unbuffed]

So, i have a relation with this girl, that I really like (even more than that, I got feeling towards her) and she was sleeping at my place one day. I thought that something can happen, but I wasn't determined for anything. 

We were talking and she asked some question about monogamy and I've answered "yes", which happened to be a test from her part. After I "passed that test", I felt strong, passionate, predatory, sexual energy from her and she gave me that kind of look: 

It was too strong for me to handle, I panicked and went to a bathroom. I looked myself in a mirror and decided I will not do anything about it, my trauma was too strong and i chickened out. 

We met again after that and when we were talking, I felt the same kind of look from her couple of times. It's so fucking strong energy I don't know how to handle it.

I know it's some kind of "shadow" issue, and I think I have to "fight my own Scar" to go pass throught it, but I have no idea what it really is and how to do it.

It may be some sex-related trauma (when i was 5 i woke up and my parents were having sex next to me and i thought my father is hurting my mother), but I had sex a lot of times already and I'm not sure why this time this is something "too much for me", maybe because I'm really into this girl and it's not some average girl, but a girl I can really build future with. 

Did any of you experienced something similar? How did you go pass through it?

Edited October 17, 2019 by 28 cm unbuffed

[mandyjw]

Could it be that you're afraid of living up to what it is that she sees in you? 

[28 cm unbuffed]

10 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

Could it be that you're afraid of living up to what it is that she sees in you? 

It's really interesting what you just said.

When I met her yesterday she was telling me, that right now she is reading a book about manliness archetypes and it got me curious.

I don't know much about them yet and I'm not sure which one I am, maybe that's what you are talking about.

Also - I think she has wild sexual fantasies (I do too) and I'm afraid I can't satisfy her? 

[mandyjw]

I think you're looking too much on the surface to understand the issue, when the real issue is less personal and less about you, your past or her herself, instead it's more of a tale that's as old as time.  I would try to step outside the thoughts of you and her for a moment to try to understand what's going on in a much more general way.

Attraction/falling in love is the most powerful illustration of how the law of attraction works outside of a mystical experience, because we only see the best in each other and are blind to everything else. Most people say that this is losing your mind or dumb in love, but yet that's the reality we all long for.   The thing is that we live our lives seeing both the good and the bad, going back and forth and living in a kind of flat state of emotion and desire, so when we get a glimpse of this power, it can be really scary.

She sees you and only sees the positive It's the stage of the relationship where no one is going to notice if your feet smell or if your laugh is a little bit annoying. She sees you in those moments clearly... but you aren't ready to believe and open to what it is that she sees, you are afraid of yourself without all the limitations we falsely believe in to obscure that light. You translate this to you being afraid of her desire. 

Her power, that energy you sense in her eyes is your own power reflected to you, or rather it is shared power and owned by no one. Some people reflect that power back to us very clearly, we resonate with them in a deep way. I'm guessing she is the first person you've met who does this to that extent and it's new to you, so it's unsettling. When love/desire and fear get all mixed up like that, you know that something really important is going on. Remember that we can only ever be afraid of ourselves. Try not to overthink it, but go into the experience for what it is in the moment. 

 

[28 cm unbuffed]

1 hour ago, mandyjw said:

I think you're looking too much on the surface to understand the issue, when the real issue is less personal and less about you, your past or her herself, instead it's more of a tale that's as old as time.  I would try to step outside the thoughts of you and her for a moment to try to understand what's going on in a much more general way.

Attraction/falling in love is the most powerful illustration of how the law of attraction works outside of a mystical experience, because we only see the best in each other and are blind to everything else. Most people say that this is losing your mind or dumb in love, but yet that's the reality we all long for.   The thing is that we live our lives seeing both the good and the bad, going back and forth and living in a kind of flat state of emotion and desire, so when we get a glimpse of this power, it can be really scary.

She sees you and only sees the positive It's the stage of the relationship where no one is going to notice if your feet smell or if your laugh is a little bit annoying. She sees you in those moments clearly... but you aren't ready to believe and open to what it is that she sees, you are afraid of yourself without all the limitations we falsely believe in to obscure that light. You translate this to you being afraid of her desire. 

Her power, that energy you sense in her eyes is your own power reflected to you, or rather it is shared power and owned by no one. Some people reflect that power back to us very clearly, we resonate with them in a deep way. I'm guessing she is the first person you've met who does this to that extent and it's new to you, so it's unsettling. When love/desire and fear get all mixed up like that, you know that something really important is going on. Remember that we can only ever be afraid of ourselves. Try not to overthink it, but go into the experience for what it is in the moment. 

 

Dude, that's some high quality post you just wrote, I'm really impressed.

Is there anything more then "letting things flow naturally"/"going with the flow"/"let go" I can do? 

Every time I meet her I just shake inside like crazy, pretending I'm calm and gucci. When I met her last time it was like 20 minutes straight when I had to let go of myself fully and go into Self to survive these feelings, just watching whole situation from a "third person perspective". 

Also, my mind comes with all kinds of stories why it will all go to hell and not happen after. 

Ps. sorry for calling you "a dude", I just saw your channel girl

Edited October 17, 2019 by 28 cm unbuffed

[mandyjw]

Ah see, she's demanding that you be present, it's like trial under fire. Now you have a taste of what all this boring " sitting with yourself" work is preparing you for. It may help to see that on one level outside the story, and that's the level that the fear is coming from... you don't actually want her, you want something much deeper than that, something that you already are. The idea of pleasing her or losing her is a fiction based on you forgetting your already fulfilled nature. She and you are just wearing masks. What is it beyond the mask? That's the desire that each of you so desperately wishes to see. You will, its inevitable, in fact it's already done. No matter what happens with her, even if it turns out to be a devastating or embarrassing experience it cannot ever keep you from what you desire. Once you realize this on a deep level, you can let go of the things that block you from experiencing the manifestation on the level of form. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. On a practical level, make time to do everything that helps you be the best form of you, listen to music that puts you in the zone, exercise, go to a certain place, whatever that is for you. That will help you get out of the story and more alignment with what she (you) are asking for. 

[Nahm]

 Hakuna Matata. - Elton John.

 

[mandyjw]

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

 Hakuna Matata. - Elton John.

 

Brilliant.

[28 cm unbuffed]

@mandyjw Thank you a lot. I'll try my best to do that. Peace

[28 cm unbuffed]

Ps. About the feeling i got - why did it feel so "evil", never felt so much dark, predatory energy my entire life. 

[mandyjw]

@28 cm unbuffed  

Evil, dark and predatory is just how we translate fear. 

Of course there are people who may have ill intentions for us or who may be wrong for us, so it's important to be able to sort out a gut feeling of something is off or wrong with a relationship... guidance... or a wall that we ourselves put up, avoidance. From your post it you seem to believe that it's an avoidance issue, but only you can know for yourself. Good luck! 

 

 

[28 cm unbuffed]

So, as I mentioned, right now I'm doing "emotional cartharsis" exercises and here's what happened yesterday.

As I also mentioned, she told me about manliness archetypes, King, Warrior, Magician and Lover. She sent me a video about a movie, where a guy wasn't loved by his mother and he became ruthless gangster, where deep down in his hearth he was emotional (and even gay). 

After watching that, I had a dream, where a friend of mine wanted to hug me and I was like: "no, no, no, get off me, leave me alone".

For a second I was thinking "am I gay too?", but after that I realized - that's exactly what happened between me and my mother - I remember clearly a situation, where I asked my mother, if I can hug her and she refused, where I saw friend of mine being huged by his mother and it made me sad.

So - when I was doing the exercise, creature inside of me took over control, or more like - I did let it to take control too see what it is.

For a moment I was feeling like: 

And it was super angry. I felt like killing someone just to get what I want is nothing hard, it's pleasure. I started gasping like a "predatory, evil animal" that I mentioned earlier. It was all inside of me. I still feel this evil spirit/energy in me, it comes and gives me these thoughts where I'm getting cheated on by this girl.

My soul gave me 3 things/sings, that I have to experience in order to go further in my journey:

- A door, where something is happening and I really want to check what's going on behind that door. I think it's a "trust issue" test.

My mother's karma is that she got cheated on and every relationship she got into was "fear based", that she will lose that someone anyways and she got cheated on after 25 years of relationship. I have the same kind of experiences, a lot of them.

My intuition tells me that I will hear "sex noises" behind that door and I will have to trust, that's just my imagination and test, that nothing is happening and that I have to trust that girl.

What is more interesting - this girl's mother got in a relationship with other guy, just to make her husband jealous.

That's why I'm even more afraid of that happening.  It's some kind of twin flame - karmic connection between us. 

- A girl touching my dick - and my hand getting her hand and not letting her to do it - no idea what that means, but I know I have a strong urge to get together with some other girl (autosabotage, just before the finish line)

- Getting into a fight with some guy - I'm not sure what that means either - I think it's the same issue as with her father - mother relationship - he should be more of "a man" and fight for his wife and not let her to do these kind of things with other man. 

Universe gave me very interesting story and i think it's some kind of ending of the karmic circle. At least I hope so.

Edited October 19, 2019 by 28 cm unbuffed

[Nahm]

@28 cm unbuffed

How vulnerable are you on a 1 - 10 scale? (By vulnerable, I mean willing to just experience anything and everything, feel amazing love, as well as lose amazing love and experience the heartbreak)

Then, what is the number on the 1 - 10 ‘scale of vulnerability’, which you think is ideal, in general?

[28 cm unbuffed]

@Nahm

I know exactly what you mean man.

If I'll tell you 10/10 - then I will experience biggest heartbreak of my life and it will be so traumatic, that at the same time it will heal me.

And it will lead me to meet 10/10 love after.

Am I right?

Edited October 19, 2019 by 28 cm unbuffed

[Nahm]

@28 cm unbuffed To me, your answer here, is zero. Am I right? As in, you are not at all willing to be vulnerable, because you could get hurt.

[28 cm unbuffed]

@Nahm

I experienced so much shit the last 3 years of my life, that I would love just to end all of this drama and start leaving peaceful, "ikigai" type of life from now. I'm really fucking tired. But at the same time I don't know if it's not something I will regret to the end of my life. 

More and more I feel like all of this "movie-like" events, heartbreaks is all just stupid, childish, drama-quenn stuff. I feel it's based on ego. But I'm not sure about that and maybe me not wanting to be vulnerable is ego?

Ps. Of course it is. But at the same time "path to enlightenment should be joyful and peaceful", right?

I'm confused.

Edited October 19, 2019 by 28 cm unbuffed

[Nahm]

@28 cm unbuffed

This is now. There is not the past three years actually, there is only the baggage and veils we recreate & carry, now, by identifying via experiences, and labeling sensation as...wrong. (That way, in thought, one get’s to be right. Being “right” is the opposite of being vulnerable)

As soon as you get even a glimpse of how you are recreating this, you begin the relief, release, healing, and thus begins the trajectory of well being you are desiring. 

 

Does this readily make sense (feels true) to you, when I reframe in this manor....

 - The good name of your ever-loving inner being is being beaten up on routinely, in this manor, you are creating your suffering:

On 10/17/2019 at 7:03 AM, 28 cm unbuffed said:

My trauma

 

On 10/17/2019 at 7:03 AM, 28 cm unbuffed said:

fucking strong energy

 

On 10/17/2019 at 7:03 AM, 28 cm unbuffed said:

it's some kind of "shadow" issue

 

On 10/17/2019 at 7:03 AM, 28 cm unbuffed said:

My own Scar

 

On 10/17/2019 at 7:03 AM, 28 cm unbuffed said:

some sex-related trauma

 

On 10/17/2019 at 7:03 AM, 28 cm unbuffed said:

something "too much for me"

 

On 10/17/2019 at 7:44 AM, 28 cm unbuffed said:

manliness archetypes....not sure which one I am

 

On 10/17/2019 at 7:44 AM, 28 cm unbuffed said:

I’m afraid

 

On 10/17/2019 at 8:55 AM, 28 cm unbuffed said:

I had to let go of my self fully and go into Self to survive these feelings, just watching whole situation from a "third person perspective". ...?

 

On 10/17/2019 at 8:55 AM, 28 cm unbuffed said:

My mind

 

On 10/17/2019 at 5:29 PM, 28 cm unbuffed said:

evil

 

On 10/17/2019 at 5:29 PM, 28 cm unbuffed said:

dark, predatory energy...?

 

2 hours ago, 28 cm unbuffed said:

creature inside of me.....?

 

2 hours ago, 28 cm unbuffed said:

It was super angry

 

2 hours ago, 28 cm unbuffed said:

predatory, evil animal....it was all inside me....?

 

2 hours ago, 28 cm unbuffed said:

this evil spirit/energy in me,  it comes and gives  me these thoughts.....?

 

2 hours ago, 28 cm unbuffed said:

My soul

You can do that, you can say what you are and judge & label yourself, you can say there are second and third you’s, demons, entities, etc, and fragment yourself into ideas. But believing these thoughts & repeating them, recreating them effortlessly in habit, suppresses feeling. You are free to create such experiences, but....

24 minutes ago, 28 cm unbuffed said:

I'm really fucking tired

Ya. I bet. That’s exhausting. It’s exhausting to read, I really feel for you living it, except, you are creating it...so...

There is no such thing as a wrong feeling.  One can willingly acknowledge sensation which “does not feel good” - is right / true, and in doing so, one can ponder, “ok then, how am I looking at this, which is not true?”. 

[Nahm]

@28 cm unbuffed To see another approach / angle / perspective....imagine for a second, that I call my wife all of those labels, and talk about her that way. Imagine that she actually believes my words, over her own sensation which is screaming to her that what Nahm says about her is not actually true. How does it look from that perspective?  What advice would you give Mrs. Nahm? What advice would you give Mr. Nahm?

[28 cm unbuffed]

@Nahm What do you mean by "she believes my words, over her own sensation"? I mean - what do you mean by sensation?

Right now I'm seeing signs from Universe to work with my emotions. But I'm not sure, what attitude is the best to go about them.

You're right, my mind (I) tricked myself, that I have traumas, that I have to work through to go ahead in life, I get it.

That's how the way is, isn't it? Going out of victim mentality 101, I had to go through that stage, right? 
(I know I will fool myself like that until enlightenment and it's all just a game, but still).

But right now I don't see them as something that was done "to me", more like something that was "given to me", gifts.  

I'm just not 100% sure, how to go about my emotions, how to perceive them. Should I just be "neutral" to all of them, not get triggered by "negative" ones and follow the positive ones? Is it possible to live like that 100% of the time? There are still things "you don't like, but you have to do", right?

About being vulnerable - I'm getting more conscious about what reality I just prepared for myself - I was projecting the image of this girl cheating on me, because I still had thoughts about other girl in my mind (no idea why her, I saw her one time in my life and she has a boyfriend).

I was lustful towards her, that's why I saw "evil, predatory" energy in her eyes.  

I'm afraid to make a move, and that she will reject me, that she doesn't love me.. because I'm still rejecting myself as I am and I don't fully love myself. 

About being vulnerable part - yeah, I guess choosing 10 is a right choice, I just hope I will have some mercy towards myself. 

And yeah - I know that, whatever happens is for my good, but fuck man, I'm afraid.

I'm adult child of an alcoholic - that's a lot of baggage to handle. But I hope for the best.

[Nahm]

2 hours ago, 28 cm unbuffed said:

What do you mean by "she believes my words, over her own sensation"?

If it felt terrible hearing it, but she believed it anyways, ignoring how she felt. 

I mean - what do you mean by sensation?

What is felt ‘in the body’ directly, free of thought.

That's how the way is, isn't it? Going out of victim mentality 101, I had to go through that stage, right? 

It’s a perspective based on beliefs. 

But right now I don't see them as something that was done "to me", more like something that was "given to me", gifts.  

I'm just not 100% sure, how to go about my emotions, how to perceive them.

Sensation. Feel, and write down the thoughts. Untangle emotion on paper.  

Should I just be "neutral" to all of them, not get triggered by "negative" ones and follow the positive ones?

There are no wrong feelings. Sensation is not dualistic, ‘positive’ & ‘negative’. It’s a bit like how some people only hear what they want to from some people, and just drown out the rest. 

Is it possible to live like that 100% of the time?

You already are, sensation is just mixed with thoughts, and beliefs are identified with. Take ownership of creating your emotions. That makes the thinking involved more apparent. 

There are still things "you don't like, but you have to do", right?

No self, no problem. Inspect what you ‘do not like’. It’s the same situation. Recognize preference based on experience, rather than do and don’t like, have to and don’t have to do. From a higher vantage, we want to do what we are choosing to do, and see precisely the way we are choosing to see, carry what baggage we are choosing to identify with, and carry.