Do It Or Don't, 100%?

[Study]

Yesterday, after watching Leo's video about commitment, I reflected on myself about my progress on self-improvement, to find out that I haven't been really putting 100% commitment in making myself better everyday. In fact, I haven't even taken the "real first step" in this process. All I've been doing is reading self-development articles, reading some Eckhart Tolle (when I desperately need some inner space) ,only meditating when the anxiety is welling up, listening some Dharma talks, on non-duality, watching educational videos occasionally. The habits broke easily. (daily yoga, meditation) I procrastinate on studying like before. My inner emotional state hasn't gotten better. 

Due to my lack of awareness and inconsistency in making habits, I keep falling back to low-consciousness thinking and routines.  

And I realised that I'm Stuck in a place between "the normal life" and "the self-acualised, fulfilling life" I don't have a life (exciting things happening, social circles, trends, norms, social medias, etc) I'd rather not live in the norms as well. So I am seen as weird or crazy. That's okay. But what is not okay is that, I am not even on the journey of self-improvement yet! Sure I know a little more than last year, I could spout out some wise strings of words to others but there is not much change or improvement, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. If I don’t move forward, it will only get worst till I break down from low conscious thoughts, anxiety, negativity, etc. 

I either do it or don’t. 

I want to change. I don’t want to hibernate again. I want to make 100% commitment to self-actualisation. 

But there is that thought of uncertainty and doubt in the back of my mind. Everything comes down to Awareness I guess. And taking the first step. (many times if you fall back)

I think I should make baby steps first. There are tons of things I want to work on but I need to make it doable and achievable. 

First step: Raise Awareness 

• - Daily meditation (30 mins minimum) 
• - Daily reminder affirmation “ I will commit myself 100% to making myself better!! ” for steel-like commitment to change
• - Improve self-discipline: Study daily for 6-8 hours 
• - Exercise a bit
• - Read instead of mindless entertainments
• - Mindfulness training

That’s about it for a week or 2. I am so happy that Leo created this forum for self-actualisation. I’ve been needing this kind of high-consciousness community for tips, support, real life stories, inspirations. I’m really looking forward to speaking with you guys here.  - Thiri, 19

Edited February 10, 2016 by Thiri

[Study]

It feels as if there are 2 selves in me.

The more awake, smarter, stronger self and the victim, sad , weak-hearted self. 

Of course they are just past repeating thought forms manifesting because of the neurone pathways structured in the brain due to past unconscious, negative programming. There aren't really 2 selves right? We don't even exist in the first place! I just wanted to make identities out of the thought forms again. 

The thing is that I am currently struggling, going back and forth between being unaware and being aware.

Reason: Anxiety 

When a surge of sudden fear aries, I started to panic and lose my awareness. I let myself be consumed by the anxiety attacks, symptoms as long as it takes until it goes away. For about 1-3 hour, or half a day, my chest would ache, breaths would be shallow. (This has become a habit, a programmed reaction since I didn't work on relieving the anxiety in the past.) I've watched Leo's video on how to deal with negative emotions, I know the methods to process emotions and anxiety, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I've succeeded a few times.

I just didn't do it maybe because I actually wanted it. I wanted to suffer. The ego could be afraid to die out if it doesn't suffer from anxiety anymore since anxiety has become a part of its identity and story. 

Answer: Just work on being more aware and conscious, meditate, mindfulness so that the next time you can do it right. OK?

Next, I think that part of anxiety could be some kind of resistance to coming up of my emotions. "Inner crying", frustrations, resentment... which I am not aware of and have been suppressing. (I have psychosomatics.) Last time, I sobbed so hard in the bathroom, I didn't know the real reason but I resented my parents for not being there for me when I needed them emotionally. (weak, victim self/thoughts) Especially my mom, when I was in the victim mode and crying, I told her that I needed some help, therapy, but she doesn't support me going to a therapist because it's "weak" and shameful if others know. In the past, she made fun of my crying and weak-thoughts so I don't go to her to confide in her anymore now. But I bet she has some sufferings deep down inside that she's been repressing and putting up a tough front so when she sees me being weak, she doesn't accept it. Perhaps, her mother wasn't there for her emotionally so she does the same unconsciously or consciously. 

The thing is that I don't want rely on anyone or be vulnerable in front of anyone since I don't really trust my friends or other people in my life.  I want to be emotionally independent and work on this myself. (says the more awake, stronger self) It is indeed very lonely and I feel hopeless, helpless when I didn't have anyone (in my victim mode) I just wanted to let everything out and cry in front of someone without being judged and be accepted.

But I've come up with an idea! Next time, I could imagine a very compassionate, accepting person or an angel hugging and soothing me while I cry alone in my room.. haha

I think it is necessary to work out the inner emotions (to heal my physical condition) but I don't want to make a big deal and identity out of them. (Like healing the inner child, facing the shadow self and all.) I find Eckhart's way of addressing them as "the pain body" way much simpler. 

I want to approach this with meditation. Vipassana, being present with the emotions, sufferings without judgement, and transmuting them, changing the brain structure, creating new pathways and all. I hope meditation will transform me to a better, wiser, calmer, more peaceful person. No more victim, suffering self..

If you are reading this, thank you for reading till the end!  If you have any thoughts or advice please do tell! (This is why I joined this community)  

 

Edited February 10, 2016 by Thiri

[Study]

Today, I observed that it gives me, the ego, a delicious feeling of satisfaction when I wrote "I", "me", "my" in my journal. It's a story about me! All about me. Of course it's fun to be in such an interesting story of my self-actualisation journey. Haha! 

So I'm going to try to write about myself from third person's POV for the first time. (Inspired by @Change's journal) See myself as a chimp in a laboratory. (I am a chimp anyway.) Keep track of my behaviour, thoughts, emotional states, report my progress and reflect upon what I did for the day.

11/2/16

Today's report:

- Thiri got herself out of the bed early despite her going to bed late last night. 5.5 hours of sleep. + willpower

- She watched Leo's video on Neurosis and took a few notes for an hour. + knowledge

- Meditated a bit + emotional stability (15 mins, created more consciousness and clarity for the day)

- Procrastinated from studying  -- self-discpline (allowed her mind to feed on petty youtube entertainment for an hour which gave her short-term gratification) 

Thought process: But studying Business is so boring! I want to self-actualise! But isn't studying diligently necessary to build self-discipline so that you can self-actualise?  Yes.. 

- Had an anxiety attack. This time she was able to be present and allow the sensations take over her to the point the body and ego feels like they're on fire! + mindfulness 

- Had another victim thoughts about her mother. Blaming the mother inside for not being there for her. Sth minor happened today. Need forgiving work to do for both of us. Maybe it was supposed to Be this way. They are as they are..

- Meditated on a Rupert Spira's yoga meditation video. Couldn't go too deep. + awareness

Overall: Meditation is helping me increase awareness little by little. Meditation is Life. Period! 

 

 

[Study]

I have to be honest here. Thanks to the people who gave me "reputation" in my journal entries, I was motivated to write this today. Or else I would let myself backslide again and allow myself to go do low conscious activities. (Damn! These like buttons are still getting to me.) 

Report:

- laying down entertainment time (Only 1-2 hours)  Substituted youtube with browsing through this site's forum, stalking Leo, reading about enlightenment and productivity. Good but better spend the time reading a book instead. 

- less intensity/identification with anxiety attacks, thoughts it doesn't mean you mastered this. Keep practicing! 

- a bit more reminded to be self-aware 

- ran for only 5 minutes this morning. Had migraine for the day and a few body aches. ( Beginner. Unfit. Didn't have any breakfast. Too high intensity. Didn't warm up.) Lesson learned 

- no progression in getting herself to study (would rather sit down and question about the purpose of life and existence of everything and not come to any conclusion. )

Story time:

What Do I Want?? I'm still in conflict of what I want in Life. What my main purpose should be. What I should be focusing on right now. Wavering between seeking Enlightenment and External Achievements. After realising the truth and getting a little taste of deep peace, I wanted to reach to that state where nothing can disturb me anymore, equanimity, enlightenment. The rest of the stuff seems meaningless to me.

Let's cut to the chase. Thiri wants peace and enlightenment. But she has school. She needs to focus on her studies. But she couldn't fully choose one.  (she could give up everything and be a nun.) So she failed her first year of college. (very disappointing)

Current situation: given another chance to do the right thing. But is still not giving a damn thing about studying! Using wanting to be enlightened as an excuse to run away from studying! *face-palms*  

So today, I finally came across Leo's Video on what to do after knowing stuff about enlightenment. . .     :\  

And..

I am going to be just be fully committed and focused on Studying and getting the Degree right now. Enlightenment can wait after I have done what I want to do externally, help people, be financially stable. 

But of course, I won't let myself fall back asleep. I will meditate daily, exercise, practice mindfulness, watch the ego, practice to reduce the unnecessary unhappiness, live in the moment and focus on self-development work. 

I will be sticking around here for some time.   If you see that I've been slacking off, not updating my journal please give me a "virtual slap in the face" and wake me up! 

 

 

[Study]

Report:

- meditation is going well, more aware of breathing and bodily sensations throughout the day, the anxiety is not overwhelming me much. 

- starting small with the exercise, 15 mins of walking and yoga stretches in the morning 

- reduced distractions, Still get caught up in them for 1-2 hours (the mind wants to feed on mindless crap for the day) 

- watched about 3-4 leo's videos

- studying... it's not progressing much but, I did get into the flow state one time while listening to this. 

 

There was no single resistance, I was on fire! I will have to consider listening to some music to get me pumped up and start using BGM music for more enjoyment and focus, less boredom when studying. 

Top 2 Most Important Things I will be working on now:

• Work Ethic - Self-discipline, self-control, self-awareness
• Emotional Stability - emotional awareness, mastery, stability, pro-activeness, being more calm & relaxed

[Study]

Today I got my exam results for the first half semester. It seems like a complete waste of time and emotional energy being worried and anxious about them. I passed all the three subjects safely. (and aced one subject!) Now I have to ace the rest of the 5 subjects...

There were different kinds of emotions I experienced today and I want to make a record of them to be reminded and aware that the emotions are never constant. They will come and go. Trying to control which to take, which to get rid of doesn't really work. And not to worry too much about having short-term anxiety, depression, sadness, anger. 

Anxiety: there were small waves of anxiety coming up and going due to the (un-noticed) anxious thoughts about the results throughout the day.

Excitement: when I listened to a mood-boosting music, an urge to start dancing came up and so I danced around in my room for a bit to de-stress. 

Anger: parents were telling me about how much of an unaccomplished person and a failure who doesn't meet their expectations which caused a stir of anger inside since I've been going through some stuff which they are not even aware of and wouldn't care much about it. 

Depression: had some depressing thoughts about what would happened if I failed the tests, my parents would be more angry with me. They may not support me anymore...

Sadness: Cried a little bit. 

Liberation: After finding out my results I felt like a weight had be lifted off me. Felt very relief and thankful. 

Madness: Screamed out loud for about 4 seconds due to the pent up emotions inside. I fully let go, cried tears of relief and started laughing really loud like a villain or a mad person for 15 seconds. 

It was quite a ride. I still get caught up in these emotions. I would love to just fully surrender to them, not get invested, allow them to come and go without identifying with any of them. What does a surrendered living look like? Eckhart said when you completely surrender to life, you don't lose the  power, in fact there is nothing that can harm you anymore since you completely allow everything to come to you.

"Non resistance is the greatest power in the universe."

How great would it be to be like water or better be like air! Even better! Be like Space! Be Nothing!!  

We are actually nothing. But how can I see that I don't exist? I am still hanging on to this body and experience. Who is it that is hanging on? How do I go deeper? 

[Study]

Relationships. They are so troubling. I have to pretend to be like them so that we could relate and get along. Is it sucking my energy? How can I be my authentic self and not piss them off by saying I am not bit interested in what they have to say, you guys are Freaking asleep or let them think I'm weird and crazy inside. May I'm just narcissistic. There is still a Big Ego yes. I'd rather be alone but if I am alone too much and away from normal stuff for too long, I might not be able to know how to get along with people. I am so sorry for thinking about you guys that way. You guys are humans too. You just haven't revealed your inner selves yet. The insecurities, the depression, doubt, emptiness, loneliness, etc. 

I don't want to lie and pretend. I want to be more Authentic with people. I just didn't want to make them hate me. Gotta practice being true with people. 

 

Time to Meditate! 

[Study]

Hahahahaha! Reading my past posts I feel so stupid! What seems to be so important and overwhelming at that moment looks so petty and whiney to me. It's good to look back at what you have been thinking and feeling because you step out of the picture and see your past self from another perspective. (Which I didn't have enough consciousness to do that. How about now? )  

I like to create internal mental, emotional drama and stories. 

About studying: I haven't been making any progress at all. It has been 22 days since I joined this forum! What the heck have I been doing?? The usuals. I got caught up in the seeking for enlightenment trap again. 

This journal is not looking so good. It's definitely not inspirational nor "enlightening" and deep. I am tired of being deep sometimes. And I am too serious and uptight. My leg muscles are aching. I need to take a breather. 

The thing is, I am a perfectionist and I expect myself to be the Best Version I can be. Infj. I have a list of all the values but I can't live up to my expectations. And since I am not being the person I want to be, I am really hard on myself. (in turn unproductively cause self-sabotaging habits and procrastination)  I can't love and accept myself. There are lots of areas I need to improve... I will have to do this process slowly. Celebrate the little accomplishments I make. Baby steps. Got it. 

All I have to focus on right now is: Emotional/Mental Mastery and STUDYING. 

1. Meditate
2. Study
3. Nap
4. Read
5. Exercise
6. Sleep

Internet

Mental Masturbation

Being trapped in thinking & emotions

I need to get a grip! 

Cure Mental Fatigue! 

Update: Just took a nap.  I feel energised. 

Edited February 28, 2016 by Study

[Study]

Update: 

- More composed this morning. Reminded to not let the mind run around. 

- Listened to Dharma talks last night while meditating for an hour.

- Watched a video on Buddhist monks, the teachings and practices. Very inspired by their dedication to practices and following the principles. 

I'm considering doing strong determination sitting. LoL Why don't you do strong determination studying first? It's pretty similar. 

- did a strong determination studying for an hour. Quite hard. 

- got exhausted (anxiety welled up) so I took a nap 

- in a bad mood in class, didn't concentrate, mental torture & anxiety

- did some exercise for 15 mins

I  watched Leo's video on understanding emotions part 1 and I'm going to try to do as he said. Journal my emotions and thoughts. (I always journal when I have something on my mind, when I feel something I can't express and talk about it with people. But I never get to the stage of releasing the emotions. I was just recording what happened to me.)  I tend to think I'm aware of what I'm thinking and feeling but I was just avoiding (skipping) the emotions and not feeling them fully. Maybe my anxiety is there because 've  been suppressing and ignoring my emotions unconsciously. They just want to be felt and expressed. Released...

Edited February 29, 2016 by Study

[Diane]

Hello @Study!! I was really fascinated by your journal, it feels like listening to myself until some months ago. I don't have any special tips to give you, just wanted to send you a big hug from Italy! I remember that one of the things I craved during my journey towards accepting anxiety was someone to hug me and tell me that in the end everything was going to be all right. So I'm giving it to you now!!  And remember: anxiety may be your king but you are the Queen!!  

[Study]

Hello @Diane Thank you for your kindness!  I tend to get bitter and negative. I need more love and compassion for myself so that I can be kind to others.  I used to be so positive and energetic! It will take a while for me to be that way again. I gotta be patient with myself.  It seems like we both have the same goal for now. Studying! I have exams coming up in June. I have to take this seriously. I wish you best of luck for your exams and your dream to become a cardiologist!

01/03/2016

Good morning! My body felt a bit "light". (?) Last night I worked on the emotions I felt for the day. I tried to explore them, recreate/recall the feelings and feel the fully. Man, I remember my body feeling really heavy in the past few days. All these suppressed, unconscious emotions and thoughts!

It time I start learning about emotions from the beginning again. 

 

Edited March 1, 2016 by Study

[Diane]

22 hours ago, Study said:

Hello @Diane Thank you for your kindness!  I tend to get bitter and negative. I need more love and compassion for myself so that I can be kind to others.  I used to be so positive and energetic! It will take a while for me to be that way again. I gotta be patient with myself.  It seems like we both have the same goal for now. Studying! I have exams coming up in June. I have to take this seriously. I wish you best of luck for your exams and your dream to become a cardiologist!

 Thank you my dear, I wish you the best too!!! 

[Study]

Update!

I've been getting productive in the past few days. Thanks to a certain game, I've been inspired to be Determined no matter what. I am getting myself back together now. And I am meditating daily as well. The anxiety is still there. But I am getting better dealing with it. 

 

[Study]

I am back. Yes, I backsilded for more than a year.  But what's good is that I am still on this path. I haven't given myself up yet. I still believe in personal development. 

Some stuff happened in the period I was gone. I don't really feel like talking about them.

I have started to make small changes again since last month and am keeping the habits up. I just bought Leo's life purpose course 2 days ago and I am studying it seriously. 

And I might be starting a new journal if I feel like it's worthwhile. (I don't know if anyone would feel inspired by me.)

(Personally, I prefer daily journalling in a physical book and tracking my long-term, short-term goals and habits in the commonplace book that leo recommended. Thanks to that video I managed to create a nice infrastructure for my personal development journey and get myself back on track again.)

Edited December 24, 2017 by Study

[ahmad ibdah]

Hello @Study I have read you journal and I feel like I was in the same dark hool as you,know too much but do too little. I am just curious what happened to you during the last year,did you stop meditating and doing personal development stuff or just stop journaling? 

[Study]

Hey @ahmad ibdah  Sorry for the late response, I was on a trip. Thank you for taking the time to read my journal. During the time I stopped journalling here, I still tried to meditate for 10-15 minutes every day. But it was never consistent. I read some books from Leo's book list from time to time and PD articles from https://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/ Never really applied them. I journal physically in my book about the "events" that happened, my feelings about it and stuff. In 2017, my focus was all over the place. I tried to teach myself to play the piano and now I could play a couple of songs and learned some Japanese kanji online. It was a way to develop self-discipline. 

In November 2017, I decided that I should reduce my media consumption. Mainly Youtube, anime and manga, maybe snapchat. I don't use facebook anymore, or instagram and other social media sites. I realized that media consumption is the thing that is stopping me from doing personal development work. Leo was right! So I make sure that after I get up every morning(I am an early bird btw), I won't go to youtube but to Steve Pavlina's website to read his blog posts to get inspired to do PD again. For me, what I do early in the morning is very important. (they call it the miracle morning) It sets the tone for the day and helps define what to focus on. With daily exposure to this stuff, I got motivated again and got myself back on track.  

My advice is that you just gotta be patient with yourself. Gently nudge yourself to focus on PD instead of other distractions. When your mind constantly focuses on the "one thing", you just start to take actions towards it.  Baby stepping every day. And I am not really doing any full-blown PD work right now, just baby stepping each day.  And to forgive yourself when you stray away from PD. As long as you always get back on track, it is good enough.