How to get rid of the need to impress someone?

[Preety_India]

This is just about general friendship, not dating specifically. I always have to deal with this problem that I feel like I want to appeal or impress someone to seek their approval. Although I try hard not to and I do say no when I have to, but there is always this nagging feeling where I feel guilty if I don't get along with someone who I am friendly with. 

I have this intense need to make myself look like the good person and I usually go to extreme lengths to be in their good books. 

I want to feel strong enough that I can let go and not feel dependent on that person's perception of me and not have this need to constantly please them. 

[Michael569]

This goes hand in hand with "how do I stop caring about what do people think about me" and the the uphill battle coming with it. 

First of all, it is important to acknowledge and accept that this is what you do without demonising yourself.  Most of us, no matter how developed or conscious, still care about what do people think about us so we go around needing to impress others...it is extremely difficult trait to get rid of. 

It helps to realize that in the grand scheme of things people don't really care. Everybody is constantly worried about what do you and others think about them, whether they look good, whether their face is clean, hair neat, clothes clean and they may seem to judge you but at the back of their mind they are worried about themselves. Also realise that no matter how hard you try to please others, there will ALWAYS be something they don't like. 

Some practical steps you can try: 

• consider reading or listening "the art of saying NO"
• Start by becoming aware of your tendencies of needing to impress people. Just observes yourself and every time you catch yourself, just say to your self "ah, there goes another one!" If you want, you can mark them down at the end of each day and collect all your neurotic tendencies in excel. Then you can ask yourself on each "Why am I doing this? " and "How am I benefiting from doing this? "
• also observe yourself how you judge other people who probably just as you are trying their best to get your approval. 
• start rejecting people's proposals and offers, reject parties, birthday offers, wedding invitations. Reject offer from colleague to go for lunch, reject to donate , say no to the person stopping you on street
• try to expose yourself to mental pressure such as: taking forever to choose at the coffee shop, pretend you cannot find your debit card in supermarket and delay the entire line, stand on the wrong side of escalators, stare at people until they have to look away, talk to stranges

 

Edited October 16, 2019 by Michael569

[nistake]

Check out this book:

https://www.amazon.com/Not-Nice-Pleasing-Speaking-Unapologetically-ebook/dp/B076VVH14M

It may look like a generic self-help book but actually it has several great insights about people-pleasing behaviour to a great extent. I'm only halfway through but I strongly recommend it.

[NoSelfSelf]

Dont try to get anything from anyone and you wont need to get the approval if you are asking in that way...

[Ampresus]

@Michael569 most what Michael says I agree with.

Personally I started rationalizing about this a lot. “Alright BUT WHY do I feel like dressing differently today?” and stuff like that. I tried to look at everything from the perspective of the people I wanted to impress and I realized that they weren’t even a bit worried about me. All they care about is themselves too! Everyone is constantly lost in their thoughts which are somehow related to them. That girl with the new highlighter? She bought that cause it’s trending. The boy with the nice sneakers? He knew Kanye West wore that on Instagram and bought it. 
 

I stopped doing my hair, wear most of the same clothes everyday and try to always be true to myself even with others. Sure sometimes I have tendencies, but the trick is then to observe it.

[universe]

Let go of the need to be liked and accept when they dont like you.

[Display_Name]

On 10/16/2019 at 11:15 AM, Michael569 said:

 

• consider reading or listening "the art of saying NO"
• Start by becoming aware of your tendencies of needing to impress people. Just observes yourself and every time you catch yourself, just say to your self "ah, there goes another one!" If you want, you can mark them down at the end of each day and collect all your neurotic tendencies in excel. Then you can ask yourself on each "Why am I doing this? " and "How am I benefiting from doing this? "
• also observe yourself how you judge other people who probably just as you are trying their best to get your approval. 
• start rejecting people's proposals and offers, reject parties, birthday offers, wedding invitations. Reject offer from colleague to go for lunch, reject to donate , say no to the person stopping you on street
• try to expose yourself to mental pressure such as: taking forever to choose at the coffee shop, pretend you cannot find your debit card in supermarket and delay the entire line, stand on the wrong side of escalators, stare at people until they have to look away, talk to stranges

 

Gold