The Only Thing I Honestly Want - Thoughts?

[kieranperez]

First off, I want to be clear on a few things:

• I have not made any committed decisions yet
• Even if I do commit to this, this will still be a few years down the road before I really pull the trigger on this
• I’m not interested in the spiritual dogma of why this yearning is a distraction. If this is what I want, and I’m still clarifying that, I will commit to this.

@Leo Gura I’ve taken the life purpose course so many times I can’t even count at this point. I’ve gotten in touch with what I really want out of life and it’s really simple: I want to know what everything is and live that. I don’t want to frame this as “I want to become God” because for me personally (I’m not talking about anyone else here. If that resonates with any of you, that’s fine as long as you’re responsible) I just feel like that’s narcissism. Consciousness has been its own reward for me. I’m just honest and frank here in that, there is no sort of contributive motive from this. I don’t want to sit here and say something like “I want to awaken mankind” or some such thing as that wouldn’t be authentic for me to say that. I don’t want to be anybody. If as a result of doing this work I’m able to really contribute to the world, that would be icing on the cake. The only thing I want is to know what everything is. Not just Absolute but relative. You and Ralston really helped open that door for me that consciousness work doesn’t just have to apply to Absolute Truth realization. I want to know what is an object, what is science, what is the mind, how did it come to be, what are my emotions, what is self, how is self different from ego, etc. I have at least a thousand questions on just relative matters. Though I don’t prefer to word it like this, I’ve had a lot of recent enlightenment experiences and glimpses recently. The other day I was driving doing inquiry and realization dawned that what I am is nothing. The rest of the day for several days there was no one there to communicate that. There was no  even experience of a person named Kieran or a mind (same thing) that even came up. There was a moment where I almost died while driving (no accident) and there wasn’t even an emotional in the moment leading up or after because fear only occurs when there’s the belief that there is even a person here. The more realization dawns, the more clear it is that this is all I’ve ever wanted. There is no agenda beyond this.

I’m starting to make plans on going to travel to India and give a look around to kinda see if the whole cave thing is something I feel would be right. We could call this me making small bets. I really have no desire to follow anyone. I have no desire to follow any guru or teacher (which is not to say I don’t want to get their POV so I can expand my horizon). I have no interest in even subscribing to any tradition or system. I, like you, go from psychedelics, contemplation, meditation, to yoga.

I really don’t have a desire or feel any real honest truth on my end to still live in this world. I’ve done a lot of the fun crazy shit that’s come with being a human. Sex, parties, raves, some degree of athletic success, met the famous people of all walks of life, etc. and the more I do, the more indifferent and irrelevant it all is to me. Which is to say I feel indifferent to people. I want to love, accept, and be good to all people but I still have a lot of shit I need to work on. And that motive to be more loving, accepting,, etc. is simply the case because I feel happier when I am in line with that and I actually feel like that’s what I’m the most truthful and honest. Not because I want followers. I don’t want followers. All I want is to know the truth and understand and know what everything is. I’m not trying to be Superman or some Jesus fantasy and save the world. If there is any contribution that’s going to come from my life, it will be after. The Buddha’s goal was Truth, the contribution came as a by-product. As was Sadhguru, Mahavira, Christ, Ramana, and virtually every other sage that came after.

Like I said above, I’m still holding off pulling the trigger. I have A LOT of emotional work I need to do, shadow work, etc. that I’m actually in the process of doing that will take time. I plan on still testing this by going to some retreats and meeting more sages (going to meet Wilber and Ralston soon) and what not. I understand I don’t need to “reach” enlightenment by living in some cave (or whatever it is I do. I’m not stuck on a cave  - open to other ideas and aternatives). This is simply what I want and I’m tired of the distractions. I want to work my ass of in this and put in the work. This where I want my hard work and deepest efforts to be put into. 

With that said, I’d appreciate feedback.

[Angelite]

2 hours ago, kieranperez said:

I want to know what everything is and live that. I don’t want to frame this as “I want to become God” because for me personally (I’m not talking about anyone else here. If that resonates with any of you, that’s fine as long as you’re responsible) I just feel like that’s narcissism. Consciousness has been its own reward for me. I’m just honest and frank here in that, there is no sort of contributive motive from this. I don’t want to sit here and say something like “I want to awaken mankind” or some such thing as that wouldn’t be authentic for me to say that. I don’t want to be anybody. If as a result of doing this work I’m able to really contribute to the world, that would be icing on the cake. 

I've had this similar thoughts earlier today. 

 

...

4AM

I love Him(Allah). You don't. Love

I hate something. You don't. Hate

You are a liar. No. Liar. Stupid liar 

You are my Beloved. No. Beloved

You are God. No. God

I am God. No. God. Just God. Not you. Allah

 الله اكبر  سبحان الله  الحمد لله

(This is what muslim says when they realized God's blessings, greatness or mercy)

 

When you try to be God, you become a transgressor. It can't be otherwise.

When a human try to be God

?Summarizes all devilry.?

 

 

....

The whole point of enlightenment work is to go to the root of everything. It will end up to Allah(God) . The final step is surrender to that. Completely. 

The end of enlightenment will make you say "God is the Greatest". This is true even in Buddism. 

One, is extreme denials of God's attributes.  (I don't do this, I accept God's Creations as God's Creations. God as God. You as you).

The other, extreme likening of God to what is other than He. (This is what people here do)

 

*Actually I wrote this to @khalifa earlier today*

About the 4AM :

You can't apply the Absolute in the relative. Not a single human being can ever be called God. Not other creations too. God is beyond all those. 

This is from The Words by Said Nursi. (It is actually a Quranic commentary)

This is what enlightenment is to me. You may wanna find your truth in India. Travelling is always fun. Wherever. It will guarantee you for some expansions. 

 

Edit: but if you don't have God, who are you surrendering yourself to? 

Creations. It's tricky, because there are many creations which you can and cannot see. You might mistaken a creation for God, when it is just another creation. That's why it is important to submit youself to the God of all creations. The God Who controls all. 

I said this because i've seen many others who think the evil spirits are "gods" when they are just another creations. And the worst is to "worship" "yourself". Which is synonym to denying your Creator. 

Edited October 14, 2019 by Angelite

[MAYA EL]

Oh my gosh if you're going to post that abrahamic Faith jargon find a religious website or at least some people dumb enough to fall for it

[Commodent]

So if I have understood your post correctly, you're wondering if you should go live in some cave in India? Well, as long as you feel you're not running away from anything and sincerely want it I'd say why not.

[ttom]

On 10/14/2019 at 3:23 PM, kieranperez said:

Like I said above, I’m still holding off pulling the trigger. I have A LOT of emotional work I need to do, shadow work, etc. that I’m actually in the process of doing that will take time. I plan on still testing this by going to some retreats and meeting more sages (going to meet Wilber and Ralston soon) and what not. I understand I don’t need to “reach” enlightenment by living in some cave (or whatever it is I do. I’m not stuck on a cave  - open to other ideas and aternatives). This is simply what I want and I’m tired of the distractions. I want to work my ass of in this and put in the work. This where I want my hard work and deepest efforts to be put into.

@kieranperez Would you be open to sharing your process/plan for the emotional work. I'm always interested in finding new ways to tackle this side of development. Are there any specific practices, techniques, processes, therapists, etc that you will work with, or are you simply working through things in the way they present themselves?

I'm also interested in how you plan to meet Wilber. Is he open to meeting with the public or will this be through events he is attending?

I admire your vision and hope you'll post updates on how this evolves for you.

[Aeris]

What will you do then in the cave ?

meditate ? books ? writting ? fapping ?

for me it will sound narcisstic, but I think I ve almost done everything, same as you, even met "famous musicians etc.." humans with "fame" doesn't give me any boner.

law of one has been not a fairy tail to my meta knowledge but a deep realisation, I can truly become a master at everything, cause I nailed the method to mastery. I could watch my hand and get more knowledge from it than watching someone read 10 books of bullshit. ( this is just meta sentence here to claim what I know )

* but yes in reality there is still things that I m not aware of, but I m aware of the fact that I cannot be aware of absolutely everything cause my experience is limited *

I know that I don't know everything, but even the tiny thing I still don't know, they look as second quest, not something I cling to validate my life, I could be dead tomorrow. ( but I wouldn't for the loved ones and the people that still suffer, I prefer work toward improving the consciousness of society through art )

> doing 5 MEO DMT

> doing mushroom/LSD + sex

> god mastery music, 3D, movies ( all about them )

 

but even those things, they look funny, but that's the only dual goal that I still own after enlightment and realisation that "everything is my interpretation since the start". There is probably deeper level, but I m already very deeeep.

and they are not things that I m hungry to try, only things I wish to experience maybe for the lelz.

only thing, I hate "farming experience" without drug, and why should I even farm ?

I could be a master at anything ( and I m on the path of mastery in multiple art domains ), but time is a whore.

can I ask just some things,

how did you cut with "being borred" ? are you fine out of adderall ? still meditating ? would you advice me on a wilber book ? 

Edited October 16, 2019 by Aeris

[kieranperez]

31 minutes ago, ttom said:

@kieranperez Would you be open to sharing your process/plan for the emotional work. I'm always interested in finding new ways to tackle this side of development. Are there any specific practices, techniques, processes, therapists, etc that you will work with, or are you simply working through things in the way they present themselves?

I'm also interested in how you plan to meet Wilber. Is he open to meeting with the public or will this be through events he is attending?

I admire your vision and hope you'll post updates on how this evolves for you.

Emotional Work: I’m personally trying to not make this development too overly structured because that really engages the Achilles heal (which is also my greatest strength) - complexity. Consciousness work is unfolding as it has to. I’ve had many glimpses now and all I can say is that enlightenment is not dependent upon talent. The degree to which your state can hold such a realization (and that realization is not dependent upon states) is another matter. 

I do certain techniques in Reichian Therapy, psychedelics, and other stuff, but the heart of it is grounded in honesty. Which bums people out because hey, that ain’t a fancy solution. Honesty is PROFOUND. Most people, even people, have no idea what honesty is. Not in its radicalness or even difficulty (and it’s very difficult) but in the very nature of what honesty is. Simple yet profound, which is how it tends to go.

Having said that I’m also seeking out psychotherapists again, which is hard for me because I’m not earning much. I’m about to switch from working 60-70 hour weeks in pest control earning just $1500-$1700 per paycheck but now to a waiter at a fine dining restaurant here in Boulder, CO where I’ll start by probably earning as much as I am now but with half the hours but I’ll be moving up in pay as I go on and improve. With that said, though you want to have a psychotherapist who works with modalities that are effective and useful, the most important part is finding one that gets you and resonates with you. I don’t mean that in some mystical sense (though that helps). I’m actually switching from a psychotherapist whose VERY awake but I didn’t find effective outside of our appointments. So I’m switching to someone else. I personally was hesitant to go back to therapy because after 10 years of pussy level therapy where nothing got done, I was on medication that made my cognition worse over time, wasted my time, and much more, I actually didn’t want to go back. I’m trying to work on a variety of things now including shadow work. Shadow work because 1... you CANNOT do shadow work by yourself. Let me repeat: You CANNOT do shadow work by yourself. I find shadow work to be absolutely crucial this day in age given polarization and I want to work on it also becaue I want to be a more responsible and effective citizen of this planet. 

Wilber, Consciousness, and My Vision: I moved to Boulder, CO largely because I want to be around the Integral commmunity (however that’s not that the whole picture). I want to meet and talk to Wilber and I’m serious in making that happen. So understand that my move was part of that. I’m also part of Integral Zen here. Part of it, not committed. The Integral community is VERY small for reasons partially regarding Wilber’s health. I also want to meet David Loy who I’ve yet to meet. 

I’m also around Ralston’s Cheng Hsin community quite often and am in contact with some of his main students that I talk to somewhat regularly. I do plan on meeting Ralston at a retreat or something. I want to meet that man before he stops altogether as he is ready to step away from the whole thing very soon.

As far as my path, like I said, it’s unfolding as it has to and a lot of I think my path is going to be that of letting go of my neurotic need and compulsion to control my future and what not. It’s really simple, all I want is to know. Thats it (though that’s no small task). I am currently not a strong enough person in terms of commitment, integrity, discpline, emotional stability, self esteem, etc. to do what I want to do. I will likely need a teacher or teachers. I intuit my real life purpose and contribution won’t come till after and that just feels like that’s what true for my path despite my preferences and desire to have things be otherwise at times. Even then though, I still don’t feel that comfortable having this “mission” of “awakening the world”. I’m not here to be Superman. I understand for some VERY FEW people (and I think Leo is maybe one of them - however I don’t know, I haven’t met Leo so I can’t say and don’t want to pretend like I know him) can say ACTUAL honesty that they do have such a genuine intention and drive. However, most people I imagine say that really are just caught up in a fantasy. A statement such as that isn’t REALLY genuine, much less even remotely lived. I think Leo would be the first people I’ve ever heard of have that vision first and then work both the contribution and the realization sides at the same time and make that real. And even then, to be quite honest, I just don’t want to brainwash people with some vision and have people follow me. That’s never been my way. There have been plenty of mystics and sages like Buddha and Christ and what not but just don’t want the attention and just lived differently. That’s fine. You’re not less awake all because you don’t want that kinda stuff. 

Edited October 16, 2019 by kieranperez

[Kalki Avatar]

@kieranperez Why would you recommend me to study wilber if I ask? 

And why is ralston almost leaving his teachings?