How Can I Decide If I Should Stay Or Break Up With A Man?

[Woman]

Hello Actualizers,

The question that I have is: HOW CAN I MAKE A WELL INFORMED DECISION ABOUT BREAKING UP OR STAYING IN A RELATIONSHIP. 

Things I did and do: 

-Reading: Alain de Botton essays on love, 24 laws of seduction and a lot of books on sex, looking at vlogs about relationships, improving my communication skills with various systems, winging guys in the PUA community and talking with them, studying blueprint from RSD, copywriting for seduction marketing blogs and products, socializing and networking, taking excellent care of my looks and body, becoming more extraverted by art teaching in front of various classes and groups, public speaking, sales, finding the kind of people I like to talk with, running every day, meditating every day, finding ways to be a great partner. Etc. I found that the happiness I was looking for is not in the hands of a lover but within. I also don't have a scarcity mindset anymore. 

Now I have this luxurious problem. I have a very handsome man with an extremely high intelligence and all the will in the world to be my man. The only thing is that I did all this work on myself and now it feels like my growth is slowed down. The reason is that for me to be a good partner I cannot rush the growth of my man. I can do whatever I want and leave or stay as I please. But his growth is much slower than mine.

-He stopped his study while we where in a relationship because he didn't put in the study work anymore.

-He plays computergames all day (from 12:00 till 3:00 in the night).-> will only stop when he has a job->games too much to find a job.

-He drinks too many glasses of beer or whine several days a week and therefor cannot have good sober talks or more-than-mediocre-sex -> feels pressured to be more energetic -> needs more alcohol to calm down-> etc.

-He only has the energy for mediocre short sex once a week if I'm lucky.

-He puts in very little effort to find a job and his parents and the state are taking care of him financially.-> cannot decide on his own what to do or where to live because parents have him by the balls.

-He has no life purpose besides making me happy while I'm all ready happy and talks a lot about dreams but doesn't put in the work.-> feels like we should have more fun but doesn't have the money to do what he wants together and ends up not doing much.

-He says very often that we will go and do something specific like a date or sex and then he ends up playing games or feeling "sick" or tired.-> knows that he doesn't provide a lot of attention or emotional stimulation.

-He never works out.-> low energy-> doesn't want to work out because of low energy-> etc.

-He smokes.-> feels stressed when he doesn't -> smokes more-> gets stressed by the cost of smoking -> smokes more etc.

It's as if I don't have a desire to be in a relationship anymore and I don't care so much anymore about validation or what he does. It's a bit confusing. It's as if there's a plateau and I would only thrive in a relationship with someone who's at my level of presence.

The intra personal dillema I have is: 

-He's ok with me moving on if that's what I want, what's holding me back.

-With all these options I have with alpha men who are living up to their potential, am I restricting myself by staying with this man? 

-If he and I love each other anyway, isn't it stupid to stay in this relationship when it feels like I cannot grow at my own pace? 

-If I hook up with another man just because the other man has less pittfalls and is smarter at living life, will that come and bite me in the ass? 

-Will I destroy a part of my man if I leave him because he doesn't take enough responsibility or action for his own life? 

-Is there more I can do or say to make him grow faster? 

-If I don't want to control him, is that a good reason to leave or would it be nice to practice some trust and patience? 

-Will it be false growth if I just go to another guy and achieve more relationship wise while not knowing how to handle it when a man has some problems? 

-If I don't care about having a man at this point and are more focussed at career, then why does it feel like I would like more out of a relationship. 

The main question is -> If being present in the moment is what I want, is it bad to be with someone who's not often present in the moment or might it be ok because I could learn something out of that? 

I'm not scared of anything - I just want to have a positive growth reason for making a move or not making a move.

I'm don't know if I should make a move or just stay where I am and focus on other area's of my life. 

Any idea's? You don't have to be cautious I can handle any comment. 

 

A. 

 

 

 

 

[Woman]

Ps; Also a nuance: He has a lot of skills and things he does do. It's not a black / white situation. But all the good stuff exists of things that I could also get outside of a relationship. So you could say that I don't have any need for this relationship or another one but I wonder what to do for maximum personal growth. Stay, be single, another relationship? Pro's, con's, other perspectives on this subject? 

I don't want to be a "spoiled bitch" as well.. don't know if that's a pitt fall. I don't feel "entitled" or anything but I have the tendency to put in too much work because I have high standards for myself. 

 

[Henri]

@Woman Well okay, no need to be cautious right?

The best solution for you both is to quite the relation. There will be a bigger chance for you both to become `happy` in a certain way. 

And I`m sorry, but you really sound like a spoiled bitch...

[Woman]

Why is that the best solution and why is the chance bigger? Happy in what way? Why spoiled? Thanks.

[Henri]

A relation is not a business agreement, the base should be love and that`s not the case.

You talk about your man, but describes him as a boy. The sex is bad. You have too many options without him meaning your mind is wandering like a monkey meaning what`s the talk about growth?

Your question is one big ego-document.

 

[Woman]

Thank you very much for the clarification. It's an interesting perspective on the case. 

[Woman]

-What is love for you as the base of a relationship? 

-I know my mind is wandering, I don't have any direction or certainty at this moment.

-The talk about growth is a try to communicate that growing is the only real need.

-Yes, I still operate from a big ego, I know. 

[Friend]

@Woman "I found that the happiness I was looking for is not in the hands of a lover but within." There is nothing wrong with being single. 

[Henri]

31 minutes ago, Woman said:

-What is love for you as the base of a relationship? 

-I know my mind is wandering, I don't have any direction or certainty at this moment.

-The talk about growth is a try to communicate that growing is the only real need.

-Yes, I still operate from a big ego, I know. 

- Love is not an emotion, it`s your very own essence, your own existence.

- Chose a direction, maybe hard in the short term, but good in the long run. Certainty has to be found within yourself. Look for ways to achieve that, find a proper spiritual practice and make it a priority, it`s not like shopping...

- How do you know? So act, get moving, become the action stat the re-action.

- That`s good to know, then it`s more easy to transcend.

- 

[Woman]

Henri, I recognize that I've been very passive with decision making and I need to take some action in my life. Thanks for the mirror. Kind regards, Amanda.

[Henri]

@Woman Kind regards too Amanda! 

[Donald]

I'm gonna quote Scott Peck :

 "Love is the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth."

This is my favourite :

"The  problem is that the experience of falling in love is invariably temporary. No matter whom we fall in love with, we sooner or later fall out of love if the relationship continues long enough. This is not to say that we invariably cease loving the person with whom we fell in love. But it is to say that the feeling of ecstatic lovingness that characterizes the experience of falling in love always passes. The honeymoon always ends. The bloom of romance always fades."

[charlie2dogs]

22 hours ago, Woman said:

Hello Actualizers,

The question that I have is: HOW CAN I MAKE A WELL INFORMED DECISION ABOUT BREAKING UP OR STAYING IN A RELATIONSHIP. 

Things I did and do: 

-Reading: Alain de Botton essays on love, 24 laws of seduction and a lot of books on sex, looking at vlogs about relationships, improving my communication skills with various systems, winging guys in the PUA community and talking with them, studying blueprint from RSD, copywriting for seduction marketing blogs and products, socializing and networking, taking excellent care of my looks and body, becoming more extraverted by art teaching in front of various classes and groups, public speaking, sales, finding the kind of people I like to talk with, running every day, meditating every day, finding ways to be a great partner. Etc. I found that the happiness I was looking for is not in the hands of a lover but within. I also don't have a scarcity mindset anymore. 

Now I have this luxurious problem. I have a very handsome man with an extremely high intelligence and all the will in the world to be my man. The only thing is that I did all this work on myself and now it feels like my growth is slowed down. The reason is that for me to be a good partner I cannot rush the growth of my man. I can do whatever I want and leave or stay as I please. But his growth is much slower than mine.

-He stopped his study while we where in a relationship because he didn't put in the study work anymore.

-He plays computergames all day (from 12:00 till 3:00 in the night).-> will only stop when he has a job->games too much to find a job.

-He drinks too many glasses of beer or whine several days a week and therefor cannot have good sober talks or more-than-mediocre-sex -> feels pressured to be more energetic -> needs more alcohol to calm down-> etc.

-He only has the energy for mediocre short sex once a week if I'm lucky.

-He puts in very little effort to find a job and his parents and the state are taking care of him financially.-> cannot decide on his own what to do or where to live because parents have him by the balls.

-He has no life purpose besides making me happy while I'm all ready happy and talks a lot about dreams but doesn't put in the work.-> feels like we should have more fun but doesn't have the money to do what he wants together and ends up not doing much.

-He says very often that we will go and do something specific like a date or sex and then he ends up playing games or feeling "sick" or tired.-> knows that he doesn't provide a lot of attention or emotional stimulation.

-He never works out.-> low energy-> doesn't want to work out because of low energy-> etc.

-He smokes.-> feels stressed when he doesn't -> smokes more-> gets stressed by the cost of smoking -> smokes more etc.

It's as if I don't have a desire to be in a relationship anymore and I don't care so much anymore about validation or what he does. It's a bit confusing. It's as if there's a plateau and I would only thrive in a relationship with someone who's at my level of presence.

The intra personal dillema I have is: 

-He's ok with me moving on if that's what I want, what's holding me back.

-With all these options I have with alpha men who are living up to their potential, am I restricting myself by staying with this man? 

-If he and I love each other anyway, isn't it stupid to stay in this relationship when it feels like I cannot grow at my own pace? 

-If I hook up with another man just because the other man has less pittfalls and is smarter at living life, will that come and bite me in the ass? 

-Will I destroy a part of my man if I leave him because he doesn't take enough responsibility or action for his own life? 

-Is there more I can do or say to make him grow faster? 

-If I don't want to control him, is that a good reason to leave or would it be nice to practice some trust and patience? 

-Will it be false growth if I just go to another guy and achieve more relationship wise while not knowing how to handle it when a man has some problems? 

-If I don't care about having a man at this point and are more focussed at career, then why does it feel like I would like more out of a relationship. 

The main question is -> If being present in the moment is what I want, is it bad to be with someone who's not often present in the moment or might it be ok because I could learn something out of that? 

I'm not scared of anything - I just want to have a positive growth reason for making a move or not making a move.

I'm don't know if I should make a move or just stay where I am and focus on other area's of my life. 

Any idea's? You don't have to be cautious I can handle any comment. 

 

A. 

 

 

 

 

you said: 

He stopped his study while we where in a relationship because he didn't put in the study work anymore.

-He plays computergames all day (from 12:00 till 3:00 in the night).-> will only stop when he has a job->games too much to find a job.

-He drinks too many glasses of beer or whine several days a week and therefor cannot have good sober talks or more-than-mediocre-sex -> feels pressured to be more energetic -> needs more alcohol to calm down-> etc.

-He only has the energy for mediocre short sex once a week if I'm lucky.

-He puts in very little effort to find a job and his parents and the state are taking care of him financially.-> cannot decide on his own what to do or where to live because parents have him by the balls.

-He has no life purpose besides making me happy while I'm all ready happy and talks a lot about dreams but doesn't put in the work.-> feels like we should have more fun but doesn't have the money to do what he wants together and ends up not doing much.

-He says very often that we will go and do something specific like a date or sex and then he ends up playing games or feeling "sick" or tired.-> knows that he doesn't provide a lot of attention or emotional stimulation.

-He never works out.-> low energy-> doesn't want to work out because of low energy-> etc.

-He smokes.-> feels stressed when he doesn't -> smokes more-> gets stressed by the cost of smoking -> smokes more etc.

the problem is not with him, the problem is with you, if you accept all of the above, just how much will you accept?  my question is why are you even with this guy after all of the above.  I guess you could lower your standards and stay, but then you are already doing that, how low are you willing to go in lowering your standards for any man.   I think you know the answer already , you should have dumped him before now and moved on with your life, You are in a relationship with a loser, and you will become a loser if you remain with him.  Its not rocket scientist, if you were fullfilled and happy you wouldn't be writing what you did.  This relationship over before it began.

[Woman]

@charlie2dogs That's because it takes a while to get to know someone without all the masks. In the dating stage all of the above was not visible. And I also see everything through a very pessimistic critical lens. Might be because I myself still have some problems with dealing with stress and feeling that I have the power within to do what I want. I didn't mention the very very long list of good habits he has because this post is not about him but about me not knowing what to base decisions on. It's true that I've lowered my standards, but I'm not sure if my standards where authentic to begin with or just a bunch of stuff that I "should want" because society teached me to want it. It doesn't feel like my business what he does or does not do but I used to feel bad about it and now I don't know what to think because it becomes obvious that it's not my place to want him to change. I'm not thirty yet, still a lot to learn I'll contemplate on it. I hope that this doesn't sound to fake. I have to do a lot of becoming clear about stuff before I talk. 

[Woman]

@Donald I do still feel infatuation sometimes after 2 years. And we do have a very loving time when we are together. It's more that I tend to want more out of life or want the sun to shine harder. Don't know why that is. It has always been this way but I stopped putting that on his plate. And now it's just there.. some kind of ... realistic view about how it's not likely that everything is going to be awesome all the time.. might be normal.. might be that I do need to leave. But when I don't think there just is love. And when I look into his eyes we are connected. Might be all b.s in my head. I'm testing that and I want to inform myself about what I want to do. 

 

Second question: 

What would you do when your partner started backsliding and slacking a bit in his or her own life when you would take full responsibility for yourself and the relationship and you don't have the thought that the other is incapable or something like that? 

[Natasha]

@Woman Take some time apart from the relationship/ the guy, give yourself space, and focus on building yourself up. Once you're sufficiently detached emotionally, it will become clear to you whether or not you want to go back to that place again. More likely than not, you wouldn't. Hugs

Edited May 24, 2016 by Natasha

[Donald]

9 hours ago, Woman said:

 

Second question: 

What would you do when your partner started backsliding and slacking a bit in his or her own life when you would take full responsibility for yourself and the relationship and you don't have the thought that the other is incapable or something like that? 

Be detached. You hold a belief on what love is . If it's becoming toxic for you just move on . Do you really need Prince Charming ?

[Woman]

 

Found it, I'm neurotic as f..ck. 

[Natasha]

@Woman This is a good one too. Leo gives a solution:

http://www.actualized.org/articles/overcoming-addiction

[Atom]

@Natasha i think you're awesome