Would love to hear your guys perspective on this situation? +

[Shir]

So, long story short - would love to hear your thoughts on this situation.

I Just really need to get this off my chest - There's this man I've been talking to the past hmm...I think about 5 or so months? We seem to have had an instant connection the moment we found one another and although it was based on "sexual" talk at first, I grew very fond of him and care for him. 

I'm someone that gets easily jealous, especially when it comes to a man I feel attracted to and genuinely care for so needless to say, I really do have a tough time with him talking about other women. We're not exclusive so of course he has every right to and I know I have no say in this for lack of better words - but in my heart it honestly does get to me. He's someone that's basically single and divorced and according to him, after being with the same Lady for 20 years, this is his time to be free and have fun with women...which I understand. Also, I never asked him to be single for me either. I have expressed my genuine feelings of me being fond of him and we have both shared our love for one another. He knows I get jealous and I have asked multiple times of him to NOT speak or mention other women because it tears me up inside.  But, something happened...

In July, I was having a bad day emotionally and was trying to seek comfort in him. Right when I was about to message him, I saw that he had already texted me. A pic. I opened the pic and it was a semi revealing pic of him but what really got me was that I immediately noticed that a 1/3 of the pic, contained someone beside him, laying in bed, Basically, another Lady laying beside him and her not knowing she was part of the pic at all. I got VERY angry and pissed because I was clear about how I felt for him and although he knows this, he disrespected my wishes by sending this AND acting all innocent about it like "what's the problem?" and in my mind, thinking I would be too dumb to notice. Needless to say, being how upset I already was from the day - I couldn't keep my cool at all and felt so disrespected that I had to let him know about it. He was very taken aback and we fought. He seemed very cold and I wasn't feeling heard nor understood so when the conversation essentially ended, I felt in my heart that I didn't want to speak to him every again.

And so, I didn't text him at all and we went without talking for a whole entire month. I would be lying if I said that I didn't feel better - because I did, and suddenly I felt more at peace despite the situation and how it ended. I felt like I could breath. 

Fast forward, he messaged me a while later and apologized. For some reason, it felt heartfelt to me and I agreed to talk to him despite me (before) wanting to never speak to him again. I felt like we melted into each other and couldn't let go. I however said I had very specific terms that I wanted to share and they were A) no sexual talk whatsoever because I feel very used, disrespected by him because of it and B) No talk of other women whatsoever. None. Zero. I want to hear none of it. He at first said he'll try and see how it goes but apparently it got to him because even before NOT trying it, he had already gotten back to me about 2 weeks later and said nope, not for him and he wishes me well...basically "breaking up with me". I was mad as hell because this is a person that always said how much he wanted me in his life forever and always begged me not to leave him and yet I AM THE ONE getting broken up with when he never tried for ME? Needless to say I was beyond furious. 

After we fought, I felt at peace for a split second because I thought wow so is that how that is? Fine, I'm better off alone. But then, somehow...in the heat of the moment we managed to mend the connection and now we're talking. In a way, we started talking sexually (gradually!) and it seemed like I was semi okay with it not being on my terms in that regard.

I had a really, really rough day a week plus ago and was so upset that I thought even he couldn't really  help me and I even warned him that I might disappear for a few days because I was honestly having a very hard time, emotionally. He very much surprised me and was there for me and honestly somehow made me feel better and made me laugh and I was so surprised I even managed to have him and feel better, kinda. He kept being lovely to me for a few days after that and I felt like we were closer than ever, on a much more well rounded scale.

Then suddenly, after one really lovely chat, the next day he suddenly sent me really degrading sexual messages that were honestly not only uncalled for but felt really hurtful, especially him not even asking if I was in the mood or not before even sending everything. I was too shocked to full on get angry with him and so questioned him about it and he seemed more carefree and unbothered by saying he's just in the mood and that "I should just let him be". Despite us continuing to talk, this whole thing made me feel some type of way because just when I thought wow here's this amazing man that has my back, he goes around and does this. Needless to say that really made me feel some type of way to a point where I decided that I'd rather he not hear or have me at all till I felt like it. I disappeared for 2 days and it was bliss.

I then felt the need to at least say hello and we did talk after those couple of days but since my sleeping hasn't been too good and so I felt asleep and still felt some type of way about things and so we didn't talk for another 2 days. Now, I messaged him yesterday and he has seen my texts which were tbh very friendly and loving but he has not respond at ALL which is very much not like him. This never happened. 

I have been feeling uneasy about this and it dawned on me that despite all of this (good and bad) - ever since July, every time I think of HIM...what immediately flashes in my mind is that ONE dumb pic he said of him laying next to another Lady in bed and him acting all dumb about it like he never thought I'd notice ect. I honestly cannot even think of him without thinking of that pic and it hurts me inside despite knowing that he and I aren't exclusive. 

I don't know what to feel anymore because if he were to act as a genuine FRIEND than honestly there should not be ANY sexual talk whatsoever. And me TRYING to establish that hasn't worked because he's too weak of a man and a person to fully respect my terms, especially about not talking sexually. On the other hand I feel my heart strings being pulled because he always says how much he wants me in his life and begs not to ever leave him and that he loves me. And, no matter what I honestly can NOT hear about other women - even though we're both "single" and he has every right to do whatever he likes, I'm too jealous to hold that space for him to hear about stuff like that because then I feel like I not only never enjoy the conversation, I walk away feeling hurt and cannot handle it no matter how hard I try. It honestly makes me feel some type of way. 

This has honestly taken a toll on my heart because on the one hand when I did feel bliss and peace over us "breaking up", but at the same token I do feel sad because he's the only male friend - more than a friend - man I have in my life. Without him, I would have no one to talk to when I was feeling very emotional and upset like I mentioned and he has surprised me the last time by being there for me and wanting to help me in my life. But, now no matter what - when I think about him, the pic flashes in my mind and I get internally upset and sad inside. 

I will mention because I think it may be asked - we have never technically slept together. 

What should I do?

P.S - it would be so lovely to hear a man's perspective on this !!!!!! What's the game here really? What he hell is going on?

[flume]

@Shir Sounds like you’re not up for a loose relationship but that’s what he wants at the moment. Blaming him for not agreeing to your terms isn’t really fair, you’re simply not compatible. No right or wrong in it. I know us woman can get very emotional over these things but you have to take your emotions out for a minute to see this. You’re making up a very painful situation that has no possibility of turning out well. (At least not at the moment) 

You can’t expect him to put up with your emotional mess and be there for you if you’re not really together. That’s an exhausting thing to do for a man and he’s only gonna do it if he A) commits to you fully and B) even understands what woman need in these situations. If that’s not the case, you’re never gonna be satisfied with his effort.

You want to feel good, and to do so you need exclusivity. He needs to explore being unbound for a while. It’s just not a match. Put it on the table and move on. There’s plenty of good men out there;-) Also, use the time alone to work on your jealousy, that seems pretty painful. What are you really afraid of? 

Edited October 12, 2019 by flume

[Shir]

25 minutes ago, flume said:

@Shir Sounds like you’re not up for a loose relationship but that’s what he wants at the moment. Blaming him for not agreeing to your terms isn’t really fair, you’re simply not compatible. No right or wrong in it. I know us woman can get very emotional over these things but you have to take your emotions out for a minute to see this. You’re making up a very painful situation that has no possibility of turning out well. (At least not at the moment) 

You can’t expect him to put up with your emotional mess and be there for you if you’re not really together. That’s an exhausting thing to do for a man and he’s only gonna do it if he A) commits to you fully and B) even understands what woman need in these situations. If that’s not the case, you’re never gonna be satisfied with his effort.

You want to feel good, and to do so you need exclusivity. He needs to explore being unbound for a while. It’s just not a match. Put it on the table and move on. There’s plenty of good men out there;-) Also, use the time alone to work on your jealousy, that seems pretty painful. What are you really afraid of? 

@flume Hey there! Thank you for taking the time to read my post and commenting - I appreciate your thoughts.

It's true, I really am not up for a loose relationship at all (in general and not just in this situation alone). It's just very very odd because they're feelings involved in both sides (at least that's what it seems) and at the same time he doesn't care to treat me as a friend (which I asked in order to be better about things) and so I was lost and then processed to ask you guys yeah...

I think I was actually respectful when I asked for my terms because I think men are capable of not talking about sex for 2 seconds, sorry but I hold onto that. I let that go because he couldn't respect that boundary sadly. As for my second term, I agree it may be too tailored but I think so far he's been respecting it but on the inside I am constantly "scared" he'd bring something up like that which I know he CAN but I don't feel good about that. 

I totally get you though...that he doesn't essentially owe me any emotional support, which is tough to hear. But I get it yes. I'm just a very supportive person emotionally to many people no matter what and so I forget that not everyone is like that. Like they say, not everyone has a heart like you do. 

You'd be surprised how hard it is to find a good man in my area lol but thank you for the positivity! 

And tbh? I have NO idea how to even begin to work on my jealousy...it isn't a big thing day to day but more so has to do with men if that makes sense? It's the type that just eats you up inside. I know it stems from insecurities (maybe??) but idk tbh. Good question though - I think I do have insecurity and abandonment issues...that's probably what I'm afraid of!

[Dlavjr]

Honestly, don't even bother. It's a waste of time for you to be putting your energy into somebody that doesn't want what you want. Personalities click, but that doesn't mean you have the same vision for yourselves. It sucks, but, there is no "one person" for everyone. You'll find somebody else in time, it's clear you're in a better headspace without him. I agree that you should work on jealousy, try to dig deep and find the root of it, try to get in the mindset of "if they leave they leave". Be independent! You don't need anybody, the root of jealousy is attachment and attachment comes from insecurity due to not having confidence in one's ability to make it alone. There's nothing wrong with either of you really, he has every right to play the field and do his thing, and you have every right to want a relationship. That being said, neither of you should be expecting the other to agree to any terms. It's clearly not meant to be. Also, most men do think about sex a good portion of the time, but a lot of the men who have their shit together typically don't. If he's coming right out of a divorce, he's probably got a lot of pent up urges and emotions that he's letting out through sex, and he's not gonna be emotionally ready to commit for a little while. I've been single for about 6 months now and I'm still kinda iffy on jumping back into commitment, and that's after a 2 year relationship. Don't take it personally, but also don't waste your time waiting around and having your heart broken for a chance at something. Focus on yourself and try to see a relationship as an additive to life to make it more exciting rather than your main focus. 

[Shir]

5 hours ago, Dlavjr said:

Honestly, don't even bother. It's a waste of time for you to be putting your energy into somebody that doesn't want what you want. Personalities click, but that doesn't mean you have the same vision for yourselves. It sucks, but, there is no "one person" for everyone. You'll find somebody else in time, it's clear you're in a better headspace without him. I agree that you should work on jealousy, try to dig deep and find the root of it, try to get in the mindset of "if they leave they leave". Be independent! You don't need anybody, the root of jealousy is attachment and attachment comes from insecurity due to not having confidence in one's ability to make it alone. There's nothing wrong with either of you really, he has every right to play the field and do his thing, and you have every right to want a relationship. That being said, neither of you should be expecting the other to agree to any terms. It's clearly not meant to be. Also, most men do think about sex a good portion of the time, but a lot of the men who have their shit together typically don't. If he's coming right out of a divorce, he's probably got a lot of pent up urges and emotions that he's letting out through sex, and he's not gonna be emotionally ready to commit for a little while. I've been single for about 6 months now and I'm still kinda iffy on jumping back into commitment, and that's after a 2 year relationship. Don't take it personally, but also don't waste your time waiting around and having your heart broken for a chance at something. Focus on yourself and try to see a relationship as an additive to life to make it more exciting rather than your main focus. 

@Dlavjr Hey there! Thank you for taking the time to read my post and commenting - I appreciate your thoughts.

To be honest, I feel a little relieved after reading your comment right now and seeing someone else saying I shouldn't bother with the situation.  I think it's helped calm be down some and for that I wanted to say - Thank You. It's been really weighing on my heart the past few days and I finally realized I should just let it go because it's a waste of my time really. I did take the take to ask him if he's okay since he's been gone which is very much also unlike him not to answer or respond back at all - so there's only so much someone can do and I've expressed my concern and I'll just leave it at that. So if he doesn't care to respond back to genuine concern then so be it. 

I agree that it seems we both want different things, I think it's just hard when feelings are involved, you know? If it were just the case of us wanting different things and there were no feelings whatsoever, I know I would have walked away a long time ago. I do agree that I seem to be in a better head space "without him" and I think what confused me was him helping me out and being an emotional support to me which I think was lovely and really needed but I understand it's not something guaranteed or even mandatory so to speak (despite the fact that I'd drop things and do the same for him and others if need be but that's a different story I guess). 

I agree with working on the jealousy thing, yes. I will admit I have gotten to a point in my life where I am honestly grateful and thankful to be single. Which might seem odd to say considering I was never in a relationship but I think it just finally dawned on me that I should appreciate being single rather than complain or feel down for being single/not having a romantic partner...so I totally get where you're coming from when you mentioned that I should be independent and not need someone - which is sooo true. I think it's so much more peaceful to stop chasing after men and just...do me. Stop with all this nonsense. 

And thanks for saying that men who have their shit together, don't need to think about sex all the time...it's so tiring tbh like I am honestly tired talking about sex. Nothing wrong with it in general so to speak but I want more substance. 

I think you're right, he's probably releasing all that pent up urges and frustration through sex which yeah now that I think about it, makes sense. 

5 hours ago, Dlavjr said:

on't waste your time waiting around and having your heart broken for a chance at something

I really needed to hear this! Thank You. 

5 hours ago, Dlavjr said:

try to see a relationship as an additive to life to make it more exciting rather than your main focus. 

This is honestly perfect. YES. 

[Dlavjr]

4 hours ago, Shir said:

@Dlavjr

To be honest, I feel a little relieved after reading your comment right now and seeing someone else saying I shouldn't bother with the situation.  I think it's helped calm be down some and for that I wanted to say - Thank You. It's been really weighing on my heart the past few days and I finally realized I should just let it go because it's a waste of my time really. I did take the take to ask him if he's okay since he's been gone which is very much also unlike him not to answer or respond back at all - so there's only so much someone can do and I've expressed my concern and I'll just leave it at that. So if he doesn't care to respond back to genuine concern then so be it. 

I agree that it seems we both want different things, I think it's just hard when feelings are involved, you know? If it were just the case of us wanting different things and there were no feelings whatsoever, I know I would have walked away a long time ago. I do agree that I seem to be in a better head space "without him" and I think what confused me was him helping me out and being an emotional support to me which I think was lovely and really needed but I understand it's not something guaranteed or even mandatory so to speak (despite the fact that I'd drop things and do the same for him and others if need be but that's a different story I guess). 

I agree with working on the jealousy thing, yes. I will admit I have gotten to a point in my life where I am honestly grateful and thankful to be single. Which might seem odd to say considering I was never in a relationship but I think it just finally dawned on me that I should appreciate being single rather than complain or feel down for being single/not having a romantic partner...so I totally get where you're coming from when you mentioned that I should be independent and not need someone - which is sooo true. I think it's so much more peaceful to stop chasing after men and just...do me. Stop with all this nonsense. 

And thanks for saying that men who have their shit together, don't need to think about sex all the time...it's so tiring tbh like I am honestly tired talking about sex. Nothing wrong with it in general so to speak but I want more substance. 

I think you're right, he's probably releasing all that pent up urges and frustration through sex which yeah now that I think about it, makes sense. 

You seem to have a really good heart but try not to let it be misguided. Nobody ever said that emotions being involved means that it's meant to be. You're capable of falling in love with anyone. It's very easy. Especially for women, and if a man knows what he's doing he can really manipulate a girl's heart to bend her as he pleases. It seems like you need to work on your independence a little. Letting somebody in and having them help you with an emotional issue is perfectly ok, but it shouldn't make you attached to them. Attracted, sure, but not attached. Emotions can be a bitch, especially romantic ones. 

There's nothing wrong with being single. Enjoy it, live it up. You have all the time in the world to work on yourself, be the best version of yourself that you can be. When you focus on yourself and personal development, you'd be surprised how many things fall into place. 

And you can pretty easily tell a man's intentions more often than not if he's pointing towards sex that much. Like flirting and getting sexual is one thing but sending pics all the time and all that, seems like that's his focus. Admittedly men are obsessed with sex but, the good ones will at least lay a foundation first. 

You'll make the right decisions, just be mindful of your feelings and try to stand by what you want. If your minds aren't lining up, don't ever try to push change on somebody. Nobody is obligated to do anything for you, no more than you are for them. Don't expect him to be emotional and want you and do all these things for you, and then get mad when he expects you to put out. Both of you are setting expectations of change in the other, and that's setting yourself up for failure. 

Good luck, glad I can help

[Gili Trawangan]

Straight to the point: once you let things go sexual, it will be very hard for a man to accept taking that off the table. This includes sexual talk.

There's a Chris Rock bit that talks about it, funny and true at the same time

 

[Ananta]

@Gili Trawangan OMG, that video was hilarious! ?

[AlterEgo]

@Gili Trawangan Lmao.  Thanks for sharing, that matches my experiences perfectly.