Im Just Tired Of Life.

[zasa joey]

I cant take this anymore, lately i,ve been having thoughts on suicide, i even cut myself, im so pathetic but pain is just too much for me to cope, i just want to live freely, efortlessly, all these chains, constraints, mental prison. I even dont know if it is fault of my genetics, or my past experiences, i dont know if im clinically depressed or not. I just cant accept myself, i want to but i just cant. i have too much limiting beliefs, insecurities, and my friends and everyday situations affirm it more and more. i feel like no one loves me, no one understands and accepts me, i feel like they are looking at me like pathetic human being, coward, worthless, and i feel like they always judge me. I can't just tell myself to change my attitude, to change my  thoughts, i cant do that! jeez i wish someone could help me, all these people who dislike me, hold me in disregard, disrespect me, are looking down at me, i wish they could see the world from my eyes for a day maybe. Im already so fucked up with my self-esteem and all that shit and plus everyday they are adding up and up. I just really want to know how the fuck am i being perceived, how do i seem from distance, that i cause so much hatred and laughter. I just wanted to write here and release all this crap that i have bottled up inside, i cant even speak to anyone openly about this. now i sometimes consider what leo says in his videos, staying the fuck at my home, alone, doing nothing, not socializing, cutting ties, but then what? when im left alone, firstly my friends just wont get it. secondly, i will always feel like i ran away, that i couldnt achieve shit, that i coulndt make real friends and bonds, i couldnt gain respect and love from my friends and peers, i never had a girlfriend or fucked a girl beside a prostitute, i have never fought and got my ass kicked or i have never kicked someones ass, always running away and afraid of conflicts and confrontations, not standing up for myself. so thats why i just ran away, but how can i live on after that, how can i forget my past, how can i forget such a failure and worthless piece of shit i am. real coward! I should be living according to my own balls! but i guess i dont have them. thanks for your attention. 

[Ayla]

@zasa joey

I strongly suspect that you have suffered from abuse from a NPD parent (narcissistic personality disorder). Here's some help with that - see if it resonates: https://www.youtube.com/user/SPARTANLIFECOACH

Another type of help: https://www.youtube.com/user/NoahElkrief/playlists

Good luck

[Mal]

@zasa joey

Hi there...

Have you considered seeing a therapist of some description?  It is certainly not a weakness to seek help with strong emotions, rather it is actually a gesture of self-love, and from what I can see is that in your case at this point I sincerely believe seeking one-on-one counselling would be more beneficial than trying to do self-actualization work. I suspect that you are probably not in a position to directly deal with this one completely by yourself, and that it would not really be in your best interest or the interests of others in this text based forum to try to address this particular flavour of ideation.

I invite you to give my recommendation at least some consideration and I invite any questions regarding my recommendation to you. I think many people here would also be glad to offer some practical pointers in seeking out a good therapist in your area.

Warm regards

Mal

[Corte]

Hey Joey 

Leo's episode today fits nicely here. It's really the foundation you might be looking for to get back up on your feet. Listen to it multiple times and take it to heart. 

The things you claim to lack don't bring happiness. Sex, fighting, bonds, respect dont make you more of a man, and they definitely don't make you successful. It took balls to make this post. You're more of a man for getting these feelings out than any guy who fucks bitches and beats other guys up.

If you need someone to talk to, I'm all ears!

Edited May 22, 2016 by Corte

[zasa joey]

@Corte thank you for your words, they mean much.

[vizual]

It's not about your genetics, your past experiences, present experiences, your 'depression', your 'balls', limiting beliefs, your self worth, your self acceptance, your attitude, your thoughts nor your insecurities. Do you see how many value judgments and concepts you are using in that short chapter of text you wrote? These judgments are stories that probably go though your mind every day, but they are only stories, concepts and fictions. 

Yes, when you are identified with them they sound real, they sound if these thoughts make up who you are. These thoughts even get validated by your external world, this results in a downward spiral. Have you noticed this? When your thoughts became more negative, your outer world became more negative as well. When you attach to the thoughts of low value, people will give you the feedback that you are low value. And the dangerous thing is, these thoughts can seem VERY real when they gain momentum in life.

Your best chance to get out of this is to gain awareness. These thoughts are not yours, your thoughts do not make up who you are, you are not your thoughts. Meditate, and watch the thoughts. Not a single one of your thoughts are true, they are just one part of the background. When you can align yourself with the present awareness in stead of these thoughts, your life can change into a positive life in an instant. But don't go looking to keep running away from these thoughts, you gotta look through them.

Listen to me, don't indulge yourself in all these stories you have made up about yourself. They are all illusions. Your mind will probably say something like" Yes, but you just don't understand my situation.... my situation IS real...". But is it? That's what the ego does, it always tries to keep itself in al ittle, defined box. But the box will always bring problems in the long run, the box is not real though.

[HypSandar]

Great tip, deleted.

Edited May 23, 2016 by HypSandar

[HypSandar]

Goats are rising, deleted.

Edited May 23, 2016 by HypSandar

[FindingPeace]

On 22/05/2016 at 8:28 PM, zasa joey said:

I just wanted to write here and release all this crap that i have bottled up inside, i cant even speak to anyone openly about this.

Positive steps here. It takes a lot to be honest about one's situation and admit it to themselves and it takes even more to come on a public forum to express it. There are plenty of people here you can talk to about this.

On 22/05/2016 at 9:19 PM, Corte said:

You're more of a man for getting these feelings out than any guy who fucks bitches and beats other guys up.

This.

On 22/05/2016 at 9:19 PM, Corte said:

If you need someone to talk to, I'm all ears!

There are plenty of listening ears here.

In any case, you have taken the first step to moving on from this situation by being open and honest about it.

On 22/05/2016 at 8:28 PM, zasa joey said:

I should be living according to my own balls! but i guess i dont have them.

You've already proved you do! You can get through this.

Edited May 25, 2016 by FindingPeace

[zasa joey]

@FindingPeace thank you for encouragement! ill give my best

[DizIzMikey]

@zasa joey Simply...everything you're going through isn't you, and you are the most divine beautiful being to have ever existed. 

It may seem like you are crap and your life is, but it's all a lie... you are the most beautiful being, 

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY.

If you need to talk message me and I will talk

<3 

[Extreme Z7]

@zasa joey The moment will come when you realize that the opposite of your current social situation, which is a place where people keep assuming you're a really great person who has achieved a lot of things, is almost as meaningless and depressing as where you are right now in depression, as hard as it is to believe.

If you really want, true relief and freedom, real psychological freedom, I really recommend you start cultivating a connection with reality. I'm talking about actual literal reality, not the mental prison you know you're trying hard to escape from. I'm only assuming you've never tried meditation or heard of mindfulness work before so if you've been trying to find a real escape from your current miserable way of living, you're going to really want to take this all in.

First I want to list of a few things that you may or may not want to read but it's important to open your mind to them in order for you to really get out of your depression.

1.     Simply getting out of depression is not enough (Above depression is still the mediocre average lifestyle which is still pretty miserable)
2.     You currently don't have an accurate perception of reality (If you did, you wouldn't be depressed. If you even had a small minute glance at reality as it actually is, you would realize that there really is nothing to be depressed about)
3.     Ironically, the path from getting out of depression to happiness is extremely difficult and painful. (It's not about getting rid of the pain, it's about increasing your tolerance for pain to degrees you can't even imagine right now.)

So, where do you start on the road to reality? I suggest you start with a meditation habit and do everyday without skipping any. There are plenty of good material online on how to meditate but I think Leo's is the best.

But before you meditate, you're going to need an introduction to spiritual enlightenment. Leo has a great video on that as well.

Keep in mind that I'm not selling you a quick fix-all-your-problems pill. Meditation and Spiritual Enlightenment are not solutions in themselves, they're more like keys to a whole new reality and trajectory for your life that will bring you to the realizations that will bring you beyond just fixing your depression to exciting knew perspectives of reality that make life feel effortless and gratifying.

Edited May 26, 2016 by Extreme Z7

[zasa joey]

@Extreme Z7 thank you but i already know abot enlightenment and meditation. i have started meditating then give up after two weeks, trying to grasp the nothingness and no realization happens. it just seems pointless...

[charlie2dogs]

1 hour ago, zasa joey said:

@Extreme Z7 thank you but i already know abot enlightenment and meditation. i have started meditating then give up after two weeks, trying to grasp the nothingness and no realization happens. it just seems pointless...

i hate to be the one to tell you but you dont know about enlightenment or meditation, you just have a belief about it.  forget this nothingness business, did you really expect to become self realized in two weeks.  It is pointless because you dont understand it and if its pointless to you then it is because you have no desire for it.  Based on what i have read from your text, your life is a mess, and honestly i don't think you are ready to except help for it from anyone because of your own belief system and a lack of desire to change.

[FindingPeace]

1 hour ago, zasa joey said:

i have started meditating then give up after two weeks, trying to grasp the nothingness and no realization happens.

Two things here. Firstly, pursuing enlightenment is not the answer to your problems right now. You're  not ready for that and it you're not in a position to even do that right now. There are other things that need working on first. Secondly, the aim of meditation is not specifically to gain enlightenement - it can be a tool for that, but that's not it's primary purpose.

Meditation, put simply, is an exercise that will help to calm your mind and your emotions. Which in turn will give you a clearer head to think with, make decision and take actions that are less neurotic and more appropriate to getting better results. It's a good tool to help relieve depression because as you practice it more you can get better at shifting your mental focus from negative self-destructive thoughts (that feed in to depression) towards the present moment and present circumstances.

On 22/05/2016 at 8:28 PM, zasa joey said:

I just cant accept myself, i want to but i just cant. i have too much limiting beliefs, insecurities, and my friends and everyday situations affirm it more and more. i feel like no one loves me, no one understands and accepts me, i feel like they are looking at me like pathetic human being, coward, worthless, and i feel like they always judge me. I can't just tell myself to change my attitude, to change my  thoughts, i cant do that!

Best suggestion right now is to work through Leo's videos. Starting with ones like 'How to stop being a victim', 'Resposibility verses blame', 'how to stop caring what others think', 'how to stop judging yourself', 'self acceptance'. etc there's a huge list. If you like I can post links to the best ones that you should watch right now. Work your way through them and see if you gain some better perspectives and mind-shifts. What you need is to reframe your view on life, because currently it is stuck in 'deficiency mindset', so no matter where you look, all you see is more problems. This is only an illusion, but one that takes some real awareness to see through. But there are plenty of videos on Actualized.org that can help with this. Many people here, myself included, have experienced the benefits of these videos so I strongly recommend giving them a try.

You're being pretty hard on yourself and judging and criticising yourself. You are letting others influence your self image. But understand that your life is yours and you own it. Noone else does. You're not here to cater to other people's expectations or to serve their agendas in any way. You are here for you. No matter what anyone else thinks or says. So cultivate your own sense of self and your own purpose in life. You can do this. Fuck what anyone else thinks. We all fall victim to other people's judgements and the expectations that they impose on us at times. Fuck 'em. We're not here to serve anyone else. And there are plenty of people in the world who will not judge or criticise you or make you feel bad about yourself. You're just  not around those people right now. But they are out here.

So try to learn how to detach from the opinions and judgments of others, and to stop caring what they think. Also try to either get away from these negative people or find more positive people to be around.

Start with this one.

[MaxBlank]

@zasa joey When I see things like you wrote, I get a little wound up. I have a lot of experience dealing with those states myself; but when it comes to assisting others, I just don't feel like I have enough to give...

Anyway, a quote from the Buddha: “No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.”

This is what I have found by way of my own experience, and to put a positive slat on it: you can empower yourself to change your present condition. Simply allow yourself to grow, change, take a new step, and so on. You can (if you will).

Have a "wonder-full" day!

[Extreme Z7]

@zasa joey Guess what, the same thing happened to me when I first started meditating. I read about meditation online while I was suffering from an existential panic. I thought I'd give it a try to relieve the stress but it didn't do much so within a couple of weeks I forgot about it. At the time, I just didn't see the value in keeping a meditation habit for years and years and as a life long habit.

I only came back into it about two months later after my initial attempt when I really started to get into personal development from watching Leo's videos and meditation just so happened to be one of the recommended habits I decided to gain from the videos. And man, just this one habit alone, if you keep a 1-hour daily habit. After several months (About 6 to 7 perhaps) it just freaking opens up a door a new reality that most people are completely ignorant to. A world where nothing can phase you and the illusions of the mind show themselves to be illusions. Now to be fair, I still haven't reached happiness, I still feel mostly stressed out and anxious and I worry about a lot of stuff, but ultimately this new perspective has made me feel like I have the power, the power and capability to keep pushing through life and all of its resistances and distractions instead of staying in a rut and feeling like little or nothing can be done.

This can be your life too, BUT, it's going to take a lot of personal commitment and personal persistence. Nothing of what I say will actually mean anything unless you really want to personally partake in such a journey.

P.S. I know I said "1-hour daily habit" but I actually started with 5-minutes and gradually increased the duration of how long I meditated each day whenever I felt like it until I capped it at 1 hour. You could try to do the same thing.

Edited May 26, 2016 by Extreme Z7

[Zephyr]

Hey man,

I'm having the same problem. The thing is that people will tell you to do, do, do, when all you need is to be understood. To be integrated is what you need. 

Search up Jeff Foster on YouTube 

[CuteCornDog]

I totally understand what you've gone through.

All I have to say to you is that you're a good person.

People suck so much. If you have money, you can do anything you want.

I sincerely hope this comment makes you happier.

[Roise]

On 22/05/2016 at 3:28 AM, zasa joey said:

I cant take this anymore, lately i,ve been having thoughts on suicide, i even cut myself, im so pathetic but pain is just too much for me to cope, i just want to live freely, efortlessly, all these chains, constraints, mental prison. I even dont know if it is fault of my genetics, or my past experiences, i dont know if im clinically depressed or not. I just cant accept myself, i want to but i just cant. i have too much limiting beliefs, insecurities, and my friends and everyday situations affirm it more and more. i feel like no one loves me, no one understands and accepts me, i feel like they are looking at me like pathetic human being, coward, worthless, and i feel like they always judge me. I can't just tell myself to change my attitude, to change my  thoughts, i cant do that! jeez i wish someone could help me, all these people who dislike me, hold me in disregard, disrespect me, are looking down at me, i wish they could see the world from my eyes for a day maybe. Im already so fucked up with my self-esteem and all that shit and plus everyday they are adding up and up. I just really want to know how the fuck am i being perceived, how do i seem from distance, that i cause so much hatred and laughter. I just wanted to write here and release all this crap that i have bottled up inside, i cant even speak to anyone openly about this. now i sometimes consider what leo says in his videos, staying the fuck at my home, alone, doing nothing, not socializing, cutting ties, but then what? when im left alone, firstly my friends just wont get it. secondly, i will always feel like i ran away, that i couldnt achieve shit, that i coulndt make real friends and bonds, i couldnt gain respect and love from my friends and peers, i never had a girlfriend or fucked a girl beside a prostitute, i have never fought and got my ass kicked or i have never kicked someones ass, always running away and afraid of conflicts and confrontations, not standing up for myself. so thats why i just ran away, but how can i live on after that, how can i forget my past, how can i forget such a failure and worthless piece of shit i am. real coward! I should be living according to my own balls! but i guess i dont have them. thanks for your attention. 

Hi zasa joey,

I have gone through that phase in my life where I felt almost what you are going through right now. Having strong feelings about this subject matter compels me to take time to give you some of my advice. First, there is no such thing as having depression as a genetic. Depression or happiness is all about individual choices. It is about how you choose to perceive things. Well one may be brought up in an unhealthy environment where he is influenced to look at life from a cynical perspective but as he grows older, there is high likelihood that he is aware of other alternative perspectives he can take. At this stage, it is up to him whether he wants to be open and try the alternatives or stubbornly stick to the former due to fear or inertia to change. The force of inertia may be really strong right now because of the accumulation of negative feelings, emotions and thoughts. But I want you to try to overcome this force. Just take it as starting a new life all over again. Remove every thought and habit you are used to. Look at life through the lens of a young, innocent kid. Learn to enjoy the little things in life. It can be as simple as enjoying the peace and silence while having your favourite breakfast. No, you dont need people and friends all the time to be happy. You need to find your inner peace and self love. You need to treat yourself. What is it that you love to do but have not do in quite some time? Is it drawing? Photography? Or maybe even jogging. Make time for it. Secondly, what are the mental chains and prisons that are holding you back in life? Also, knowing whether you are clinically depressed or not has no point. You do not have to be clinically proven as depressed to take the first step to help yourself. You can do it when you feel you need it. And from what you have written, you need it. I also want you to know that everyone has their own flaws and limitations. Noone is perfect. And noone has to be perfect. "To err is human". Please, do not look at your flaws and find them as reasons to hate yourself. Instead, look at your strengths. If your immediate response is "I have no strength at all", I suggest that you give yourself space to explore. You may be good at something you have yet to learn about. Try something new. Be in rollerblading or skating. Be open to new things. You never know, it may be your strength one day.

You mentioned "i feel like no one loves me, no one understands and accepts me, i feel like they are looking at me like pathetic human being, coward, worthless, and i feel like they always judge me. I can't just tell myself to change my attitude, to change my  thoughts, i cant do that! jeez i wish someone could help me". I wish to tell you that you are the first person who can help yourself. No professional can help you if you are not willing to help yourself first. By saying you cant change your attitude, you are not adopting a growth or positive mindset. Instead, think how can you change your attitude and mindset. More importantly, I wish to convey to you that you are more than worthy and I want you to remember that. "Pathetic" and "worthless" are merely human contruct to bring people down. They can bring you down unless you allow them to. The first step to gain respect is by respecting yourself. I have been through the "fk everything, I jus want to go far far away where none of this shit exist" phase. I suggest that you take the effort to bring yourself out. Literally and metaphorically from all these negativity. Go to some new place, somewhere far. And start everything all over again. Forget about what you used to do. Explore and find yourself again. You are not a coward if you are willing to seek help. And by visiting this forum, watching Leo's video and typing out your thoughts, you are seeking help and I am pround of you for that. The next step is to put in more efforts and change your attitude and mindset. If you need someone to talk to constantly, I would highly recommend for you to seek professional help. Whatever you choose, strive on! I hope my words are useful in one way or another. Be positive  (:

 

With love,

Jess