In the last year I had this thought come up "I'm gay and I accept it" out of the blue. And ever since I had these times when it's hard to think and I have all kinda of feelings overrun my psyche. In these time I think about being gay, I cry sometimes. Or I just have a giant feeling of Fear.  What do I mean by saying I'm making myself gay? Well first of all I talk to myself like I would be talking to another person face to face. I say you have to be gay, be gay and such it's better to be gay.  I say that you're going to suck a dick, you gonna be fucked in the ass all these kind of things. And then I just laugh like a mad man. It's crazy, I already had been putting my finger in my asshole so it's just a proof that I'm gay.  I also have this program installed in my mind which is saying three things 1. I'm straight 2. I'm very straight 3. I'm not gay so it's very contractiding and hypocritical. I keep saying affirmations with these 3 things. No matter how hard I try my shadow still catches me and I can't help it. He's pushing me to be gay and I don't want it. Please help. I'm lost in my sexuality. All I can do is wait for the inevitable until I put a dick in my mouth... I fucking hate this... it's driving me nuts, I'm such a hypocrite and I can't help myself. Everytime I try to think my thoughts go to another place where it makes no sense. I could ask God for help as I'm a "hardcore christian" which propably is just another thing to deprogram. Everything is according to plan I guess. I even watched gay porn and had a boner while doing it, masturbated but didn't finish to it. Here's another proof I'm gay. I look at other men and see their feminine side, even visual looks like lips face and body kinda attracts me towards them. I really need to change perspective about being gay. All of these thoughts about being God and everything. If I'm God that means I'm everyone around me - including gay people, transexual people etc. It makes me gay and transexual these thoughts. It is either an ideology or I just really want some dick.  I can't find the distinction between joke and serious talk. Please help me...