Spiritual Bucket List This Week - My Spiritual Life

[Preety_India]

 

Codependency is characterized by a person belonging to a dysfunctional, one-sided relationship where one person relies on the other for meeting nearly all of their emotional and self-esteem needs. It also describes a relationship that enables another person to maintain their irresponsible, addictive, or underachieving behavior.

Do you expend all of your energy in meeting your partner’s needs? Do you feel trapped in your relationship? Are you the one that is constantly making sacrifices in your relationship? Then you may be in a codependent relationship.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The term codependency has been around for decades. Although it originally applied to spouses of alcoholics (first called co-alcoholics), researchers revealed that the characteristics of codependents were much more prevalent in the general population than had previously imagined. In fact, they found that if you were raised in a dysfunctional family or had an ill parent, you could also be codependent.

Researchers also found that codependent symptoms got worse if left untreated. The good news is that they’re reversible.

Symptoms of Codependency

The following is a list of symptoms of codependency and being in a codependent relationship. You don’t need to have them all to qualify as codependent.

 

Symptoms of Codependency

The following is a list of symptoms of codependency and being in a codependent relationship. You don’t need to have them all to qualify as codependent.

Low self-esteem.Feeling that you’re not good enough or comparing yourself to others are signs of low self-esteem. The tricky thing about self-esteem is that some people think highly of themselves, but it’s only a disguise — they actually feel unlovable or inadequate. Underneath, usually hidden from consciousness, are feelings of shame.Guilt and perfectionism often go along with low self-esteem. If everything is perfect, you don’t feel bad about yourself.

People-pleasing.It’s fine to want to please someone you care about, but codependents usually don’t think they have a choice. Saying “No” causes them anxiety. Some codependents have a hard time saying “No” to anyone. They go out of their way and sacrifice their own needs to accommodate other people.

Poor boundaries.Boundaries are sort of an imaginary line between you and others. It divides up what’s yours and somebody else’s, and that applies not only to your body, money, and belongings, but also to your feelings, thoughts and needs. That’s especially where codependents get into trouble. They have blurry or weak boundaries. They feel responsible for other people’s feelings and problems or blame their own on someone else.Some codependents have rigid boundaries. They are closed off and withdrawn, making it hard for other people to get close to them. Sometimes, people flip back and forth between having weak boundaries and having rigid ones.

Reactivity.A consequence of poor boundaries is that you react to everyone’s thoughts and feelings. If someone says something you disagree with, you either believe it or become defensive. You absorb their words, because there’s no boundary. With a boundary, you’d realize it was just their opinion and not a reflection of you and not feel threatened by disagreements.

Caretaking.Another effect of poor boundaries is that if someone else has a problem, you want to help them to the point that you give up yourself. It’s natural to feel empathy and sympathy for someone, but codependents start putting other people ahead of themselves. In fact, they need to help and might feel rejected if another person doesn’t want help. Moreover, they keep trying to help and fix the other person, even when that person clearly isn’t taking their advice.

Control.Control helps codependents feel safe and secure. Everyone needs some control over events in their life. You wouldn’t want to live in constant uncertainty and chaos, but for codependents, control limits their ability to take risks and share their feelings. Sometimes they have an addiction that either helps them loosen up, like alcoholism, or helps them hold their feelings down, like workaholism, so that they don’t feel out of control.Codependents also need to control those close to them, because they need other people to behave in a certain way to feel okay. In fact, people-pleasing and care-taking can be used to control and manipulate people. Alternatively, codependents are bossy and tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. This is a violation of someone else’s boundary.

Dysfunctional communication.Codependents have trouble when it comes to communicating their thoughts, feelings and needs. Of course, if you don’t know what you think, feel or need, this becomes a problem. Other times, you know, but you won’t own up to your truth. You’re afraid to be truthful, because you don’t want to upset someone else. Instead of saying, “I don’t like that,” you might pretend that it’s okay or tell someone what to do. Communication becomes dishonest and confusing when you try to manipulate the other person out of fear.

Obsessions.Codependents have a tendency to spend their time thinking about other people or relationships. This is caused by their dependency and anxieties and fears. They can also become obsessed when they think they’ve made or might make a “mistake.”Sometimes you can lapse into fantasy about how you’d like things to be or about someone you love as a way to avoid the pain of the present. This is one way to stay in denial, discussed below, but it keeps you from living your life.

Dependency.Codependents need other people to like them to feel okay about themselves. They’re afraid of being rejected or abandoned, even if they can function on their own. Others need always to be in a relationship, because they feel depressed or lonely when they’re by themselves for too long. This trait makes it hard for them to end a relationship, even when the relationship is painful or abusive. They end up feeling trapped.

Denial. One of the problems people face in getting help for codependency is that they’re in denial about it, meaning that they don’t face their problem. Usually they think the problem is someone else or the situation. They either keep complaining or trying to fix the other person, or go from one relationship or job to another and never own up the fact that they have a problem.Codependents also deny their feelings and needs. Often, they don’t know what they’re feeling and are instead focused on what others are feeling. The same thing goes for their needs. They pay attention to other people’s needs and not their own. They might be in denial of their need for space and autonomy. Although some codependents seem needy, others act like they’re self-sufficient when it comes to needing help. They won’t reach out and have trouble receiving. They are in denial of their vulnerability and need for love and intimacy.

Problems with intimacy.By this I’m not referring to sex, although sexual dysfunction often is a reflection of an intimacy problem. I’m talking about being open and close with someone in an intimate relationship. Because of the shame and weak boundaries, you might fear that you’ll be judged, rejected, or left. On the other hand, you may fear being smothered in a relationship and losing your autonomy. You might deny your need for closeness and feel that your partner wants too much of your time; your partner complains that you’re unavailable, but he or she is denying his or her need for separateness.

Painful emotions.Codependency creates stress and leads to painful emotions. Shame and low self-esteem create anxiety and fear about being judged, rejected or abandoned; making mistakes; being a failure; feeling trapped by being close or being alone. The other symptoms lead to feelings of anger and resentment, depression, hopelessness, and despair. When the feelings are too much, you can feel numb.

 

There is help for recovery and change for people who are codependent. The first step is getting guidance and support. These symptoms are deeply ingrained habits and difficult to identify and change on your own. Join a 12-Step program, such as Codependents Anonymous or seek counseling. Work on becoming more assertive and building your self-esteem.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Codependency is a behavior, not a biological illness. It can, however, run in families. By perpetuating the same type of behavior through several generations, dysfunctional relationships can emerge. Codependency can often stem from taking care of a close friend or family member with a substance abuse or chronic mental health issue. While the impulse to take care of another may be a virtuous and helpful decision, it may also arise from a need to control.

Codependency, or as some call it, “relationship addiction”, occurs when the care-taker needs to control his or her own anxiety through another person. There is usually one person who needs to be taken care of and another who needs to provide. One example of codependency is the act of enabling. If an addict who has clearly been using drugs asks the codependent person for rent money, the codependent may feel like they are preventing something awful from happening to the addict by giving him or her the needed money. Although the care-taking may feel helpful, it is actually serving the codependent person more than the addict. By making excuses for the addict or preventing the addict from consequences, the codependent person feels in control of the situation.

 

Codependency creates problems such as: a lack of personal time, feeling overburdened, and stress. It also has hidden benefits.

The codependent in an unhealthy relationship may feel that they are:

The healthier partner

Important

Needed

In control

Hard working

Virtuous

The people most likely to become codependent are those who have grown up with dysfunctional relationships. Common characteristics include the need for approval, feeling empty without others around, an intense fear of neglect, low self-esteem, putting the needs of others ahead of their own, and difficulties setting clear and fixed boundaries. Both men and women can have issues with codependency.

If you suspect you may have issues with codependency, ask yourself these questions:

Do you feel solely responsible for someone even though they have other avenues of support?

Do you often find yourself in the ‘savior’ role?

Do you have difficulty making your own decisions?

Do you ask for what you want with actions rather than words?

Is it better to be with someone than alone?

If your gut tells you the opposite of what someone else is saying, do you first trust the other person?

Do you feel mean saying ‘no’?

Do you find yourself consistently resentful when others do not put in as much effort as you?

Will you settle for less so that you do not have to argue?

Do you alter what you say or look for friends or significant others?

Without your help, would the well-being of others find themselves in jeopardy?

Are you embarrassed for your significant other when he/she makes a mistake?

Have you lived with someone who has experienced a substance abuse/alcohol problem?

Have you lived with a physically abusive person?

If nobody is around, do you feel inadequate?

Do you feel that the burden of others often falls on you?

Do you have trouble asking for help?

Not every question is indicative of codependency, but if you answered ‘yes’ to most questions, you may exhibit codependent behavior. To start asserting yourself in a healthy way, dependent relationships need to be treated differently.

Allow consequences to happen rather than making excuses. If a significant other has a substance abuse issue and is treating the codependent person poorly, excuses do nothing except enable the behavior. Without proper responsibility, the codependent is in charge of both the good and bad outcomes of their partner/family member.  This can lead to an unhealthy sense of identity for both the codependent and the dependent person.

Each person has their own life. No two people are exactly the same. Even if a couple or a family like to participate in similar activities, everyone has their own separate interests. It’s important that the codependent person discovers their own interests outside the relationship.
There is a difference between being supportive and fixing the problem. Instead of solving an issue, listening for an allotted amount of time and then allowing the person to make their own decisions, establishes healthy boundaries.

Only talking to others who have codependent tendencies can actually lead to more unhealthy relationships. Going to a 12-step group in which everyone adheres to a specific formula, can help facilitate social interactions in a healthy way. In group therapy, the therapist will control the dynamic so as not to instinctually delve into the very behavior one is trying to avoid.

Barbara Johnson, an American literary critic, said: “Being codependent means that when you die, someone else’s life passes before your eyes.”

Without recognizing the dangers of codependency, a lack of boundaries and control may reappear in future generations.

[Bill W]

Interesting that your last few posts have been about codependency. I'm currently going through this excellent book for a second time. It's 12 steps approach on addiction but many shared principles with all kinds of codependency.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Codependents-Guide-Twelve-Steps-Programme/dp/0671762273

 

[Preety_India]

 

Help for Codependents Whose Relationships are Ending

 

 

 

 

 

Breaking up and rejection are especially hard for codependents. Breaking up triggers hidden grief and causes irrational guilt, anger, shame, and fear. Working through the following issues can help you let go and move on.

Codependents often blame themselves or their partner. They have low self-esteem, and any rejection triggers feelings of shame. Relationships are of primary importance to them. They fear this relationship may be their last. They haven’t grieved their childhood. Past feelings of loss and trauma from their childhood are triggered. Working through these issues can help to let go and move on.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Blame

Poor boundaries are one of the main symptoms of codependency. Codependents have difficulty seeing others as separate individuals, with their own feelings, needs, and motivations. They feel responsible and guilty for others’ feelings and actions. This accounts for high reactivity, conflict and caretaking in codependent relationships. They perceive their partner’s need for space or even to break up or divorce as their fault. Even if they were blamed by their partner, it still doesn’t make it so. There may be instances where a person’s addiction, abuse, or infidelity precipitate a break up, but if you look more deeply, those behaviors reflect individual motivations and are part of a bigger picture of why the relationship didn’t work. No one is responsible for someone else’s actions. People always have a choice to do what they do.

Anger and resentment also can keep you stuck in the past. Codependents blame others because they have trouble taking responsibility for their own behavior, which might include a failure to set boundaries. They may have been blamed or criticized as a child, and blame feels natural and protects them from their overdeveloped sense of guilt.

Low Self-Esteem and Shame

Shame is an underlying cause of codependency and stems from dysfunctional parenting. Codependents develop the belief that they’re basically flawed in some respect and that they’re unlovable. Children can interpret parental behavior as rejecting and shaming when it’s not meant to be. Even parents who profess their love may behave in ways that communicate you’re not loved as the unique individual you are.

Shame often is unconscious, but may drive a person to love others who can’t love or don’t love them. In this way, a belief in one’s unloveability becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy operating beneath conscious awareness. Some codependents have a shaming, “I’m defective” or “I’m a failure” script, blaming themselves for anything that goes wrong. Low-self-esteem, which is a cognitive self-evaluation, leads to self-attribution of fault and personal defects to explain why someone else wants to end a relationship. For example, if a man cheats, the woman often assumes it’s because she’s not desirable enough, rather than that his motivation comes from his fear of intimacy. Learning to love yourself can help heal shame and improve self-esteem.

Relationships are the Answer

In the dysfunctional and insecure family environment in which codependents grow up, they develop strategies and defenses in order to feel safe and loved. Some seek power, some withdraw, and others try to win the love of their parents by adapting to their parents’ needs. Stereotypical codependents keep trying to make relationships work – usually harder than their partner – in order to feel secure and okay with themselves. A close relationship becomes the solution to their inner emptiness and insecurity.

It’s not unusual for codependents to drop their friends, interests and hobbies – if they had any – once they’re in a relationship. They focus all of their energy on the relationship and their loved one, which helps neither them nor the relationship. Some couples spend their time talking about their relationship instead of enjoying time together. Once it ends, they feel the emptiness of their life without a partner. The adage, “Happiness begins within,” is apt. Recovery from codependency helps people assume responsibility for their own happiness. Although a relationship can add to your life, it won’t make you happy in the long run, if you can’t do that for yourself. It’s important to have a support network of friends or 12-step meetings as well as activities that bring you pleasure regardless of whether you’re in a relationship.

Grieving the Past

Codependents find it hard to let go because they haven’t let go of the childhood hope of having that perfect love from their parents. They expect to be cared for and loved and accepted unconditionally from a partner in the way they wished their parents could have. No partner can make up for those losses and disappointments. Parents aren’t perfect and even those with the best intentions disappoint their children. Part of becoming an independent adult is realizing and accepting this fact, not only intellectually, but emotionally, and that usually involves sadness and sometimes anger.

The Last Hope

Losing someone can be devastating, because codependents put such importance on a relationship to make them happy. Fear is the natural outgrowth of shame. When you’re ashamed, you fear that you won’t be accepted and loved. You fear criticism and rejection. Codependents fear being alone and abandoned because they believe they’re unworthy of love. They might cling to an abusive relationship in which they’re being emotionally abandoned all the time. These aren’t rational fears. Building a life that you enjoy prepares you to both live single and be in a healthier relationship where you’re less dependent upon the other person to make you happy.

Past Trauma

It’s a psychological axiom that each loss recapitulates prior losses. You may have had other losses as an adult that compound grief about the current one. Yet often, it’s abandonment losses from childhood that are being triggered. Closeness with a parent was either blissful or you may never had it, or didn’t have it consistently. The intimacy of a close relationship reminds you of intimacy you once had or longed for with your mother or father. Either way, it’s a loss. Codependents may have been neglected, blamed, abused, betrayed, or rejected in childhood, and these traumas get reactivated by current events. Sometimes, they unconsciously provoke situations reminiscent of their past in order that it can be healed. They also may incorrectly perceive rejection, because they expect to be treated the way they were previously.

Grief is part of letting go, but it’s important to maintain friendships and life-affirming activities in the process. Blame, shame, and guilt aren’t helpful, but working through trauma from the past can help you sort out your feelings and know what you feel about the ending of the present relationship. Do you miss the person, what he or she represents, or just being in a relationship?

Letting go and healing involve acceptance of yourself and your partner as separate individuals. Usually, relationships end because partners have individual issues with self-esteem and shame, are ill-matched, or have needs that they’re unable to communicate or fill. Shame often causes people to withdraw or push the other person away. Healing trauma and losses and building self-esteem help individuals move forward in their life and take more responsibility for themselves.

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

1 minute ago, Bill W said:

Interesting that your last few posts have been about codependency. I'm currently going through this excellent book for a second time. It's 12 steps approach on addiction but many shared principles with all kinds of codependency.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Codependents-Guide-Twelve-Steps-Programme/dp/0671762273

 

I have recently recognized those signs within me that I wasn't aware of. But interacting with people here and someone suggested I need to look into it , then I went and looked up and it seems I do show those signs . So I have decided to incorporate that into my spiritual development bucket list. 

I have informed my psychologist and therapy group about this. 

Although I'm just showing slight symptoms and not all and not intense, which is good because I can quickly recover. 

At least recognition is the first step towards recovery 

 

I'm glad that someone pointed it out so now I know more about myself. 

Self mastery lies in knowing yourself better everyday and then improving yourself to become a better healthier version of you. There lies the key of all spiritual development. 

 

At the same time, not everything about life is all about psychology and psychological disorders, life is much more expansive and larger than that. Like an ocean. 

It's not just the mind but also the heart, character, physical state, mental state and spiritual growth level..

Too often we focus on just the psychological aspect of things because it takes so much of our everyday space...which is a bane because if you ignore it or cut it out,then there are so many other things to learn and grow in life that you might miss out on. 

But I will try not to be totally absorbed into therapy and psychological evaluation and all that...I have to live life to the fullest. And nothing can stop me now

The relationship is over. It feels like a huge burden is lifted off my shoulders. I don't have a responsibility to always be there for someone. I showed too much compassion and it resulted into me getting drained. 

But all good. I expect a good outcome for my life in the coming year.

Thank you for being there for me. It does mean a lot 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Don't think too much about them

 

They are all neurotic that's why( you know who )

 

 

Edited November 16, 2019 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

One way of beating the problem is to just think...

Why did he/she do that ?

And the answer should really be he is a neurotic and that won't change about him. His neuronal patterns cause his behaviors and that's not him in the heart. 

But then the heart is never really seen. So forget that 

[Preety_India]

34 minutes ago, Bill W said:

Interesting that your last few posts

Why did you say "interesting" ..?

 

 

[Preety_India]

Don't take anything at face value anymore especially if it comes out from that side

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Gosh, you're deluding yourself into believing that you love me. 

 

[Preety_India]

Note to myself -- don't let anymore emotional manipulators in your life.

You either get hated for not doing as they say or get treated poorly and abused for doing what they say. 

Stuck between the horns of a bull..

Damned if you do, damned if you don't....

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Time to build a wall

As high as my heart wants it. As strong as my mind can build ....

You'll never be in my life again 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I have been knocked down low...but I'll stand high 

 

[Preety_India]

I feel safe.....within the beauty of my walls. 

What a pleasant dream

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

2 hours ago, Preety_India said:

Poor boundaries.Boundaries are sort of an imaginary line between you and others. It divides up what’s yours and somebody else’s, and that applies not only to your body, money, and belongings, but also to your feelings, thoughts and needs. That’s especially where codependents get into trouble. They have blurry or weak boundaries. They feel responsible for other people’s feelings and problems or blame their own on someone else.Some codependents have rigid boundaries. They are closed off and withdrawn, making it hard for other people to get close to them. Sometimes, people flip back and forth between having weak boundaries and having rigid ones.

 

 

That thing right there.... Perfect.

 

Closing off is sometimes better than opening up. 

[Preety_India]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Well....

Psychological problems are complex

Some openly display pathological behaviors. 

Others like to keep it under wraps but there is still a certain level of discomfort felt around such people. 

 

[Preety_India]

It's time for me to take an exit 

I'll sometimes use code words for certain things I want to do. 

Like right now I feel like saying coffee break 

[Preety_India]

Sociopathic and sexist

 

Predatory behavior versus empathetic behavior. 

Some people think of empathetic behavior as something stupid. 

Empathetic behavior is where a person is trying to supplement and augment so as to kind of help and support the other person so that they benefit from your behavior. 

Predatory behavior is where you try to get maximum benefit for yourself at the expense of the other person

They are also shemers and also good at emotional manipulation. 

Like he was good at rolling the dice so that he gains and the other person loses. 

He was good at inflaming 

Signs of his emotional manipulation were 

• Jealousy
• Competitiveness
• Reading of emotional signals 
• Intentionally offensive ( sociopathic behavior)
• User mentality 
• Scheming 
• Intentional deprivation or alienation 
• Give a sense of insecurity
• Mistrust
• Intentional creation of confusion 
• Need to be superior 
• Sadism
• Skepticism
• Survival mode, deeply insecure
• Pushing away 
• Protection and securing of urgent needs or primal needs 
• Do opposite of what emotions dictate
• Sociopathic laughter 
• Emotional manipulation
• Emotional gaming 
• Manipulation
• Emotional aggression 
• Passive aggression
• Easily withdrawing from conflicts
• Provocation
• Preying  on flaws 
• Staying away from mess 
• Thinking from a primal angle
• Good people management skills 
• Diplomatic. Tact 
• Using a lot of primal thinking 
•  

 

Edited November 16, 2019 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Time to write code words. 

I remember the date 

 

It was May 7...I was really pissed off at my boyfriend. 

I wanted to break up. I just took to a random chatroom venting out my frustrations. 

And the response was good and I came back to coffee break site. 

This was somewhere around May 11.  I was having a real tough time emotionally because me and my boyfriend had been fighting a lot in that week. 

From may 11 to may 17, I had a pretty bad experience on the coffee break site. It got really personal and it was middle of the night and there was this heated argument between me and this coffee guy . He was being hopeless really indecent. Really weirdo shit. 

That was an early experience to avoid coffee guys. 

It was scary. Like a stalker profile. 

 

I had to grow out of it pretty fast. 

I blocked that dude. 

Then I was trying to come back to normal in the days leading up to the arrest on may 24. But I had made up my mind by then. 

 

May 24 was when he was arrested. 

That's when I lost it. I lost my mental control. 

I was having a meltdown situation because things were emotionally tensed. 

This horror show continued till mid June. 

 

By July first week my condition returned back to normal. 

November 12 was finally when I had enough of this toxic shit and I broke up. 

 

So far so good.

But a lot needs to be done. A lot of the damage needs to be undone.