Spiritual Bucket List This Week - My Spiritual Life

[Preety_India]

Broke up with him an hour ago. And it hurts too much. 

The most painful feeling. I cried. But it's ok. I can manage. I need healing 

I will try.. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

If the whole thing about sex is not healthy it can lead to a lot of problems like doubt, worry,fear, guilt,shame, insecurity, deprivation, perversion, resentment, frustration, panic, seclusion, distress, abnormality etc. 

 

 

Edited November 12, 2019 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I need to work 5 areas now 

• Extreme decency 
• Maturity 
• Non aggression 
• Coping mechanisms
• Overcoming and deflecting a situation and focusing on a goal. 
• Turning pain into positivity 
• Detachment
• Celibacy 
• When a person triggers me in a relationship I want to let that threshold be higher. Let that person do something more to get me triggered. This will work as a reverse safety net. 
• I also want to learn psychological tactics and techniques to understand another person's mindset and have greater emotional control and judgement before I react
• Another thing I want to work on is emotional outburst. So that the other person is not able to use my emotional vulnerability against me... 
• Preemptive reasoning and preemptive understanding of the consequences of what you put out there and how you react and the consequences of your actions/reactions... Preemptive focus and maturity. 
• Supercharged brain that is super alert and quick in preemptive assessment of the big picture and evaluation of the progression and consequences of such a picture. (without making the mistake of jumping the gun) 

Edited November 12, 2019 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Another thing I want to focus on is becoming aware of reality from an empathetic angle...

 

And the other thing .  .let go of control....big time. . Let go of control and the need to please and the fear of being abandoned or rejected. Borderline tendencies. Feeling constantly inadequate. Need for appreciation, acceptance, validation, attention... And getting upset when these are not given and feeling deprived. 

 

I would like to say here since I know a lot about abusive relationships I will classify borderline behavior into two types. 

Primary borderline and secondary borderline. 

I'll talk about this later 

Edited November 12, 2019 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I have come far. I have matured since the first day. I will continue to grow as a person. I don't have much life experience because of a sheltered existence. But I have tried best to be as matured as possible. And I will continue to be more matured in the future. A person gets judged a lot for how they react. But sometimes a person is what their conditions made them..

I will be leaving "...." at the end of the year and move away for a more peaceful life. Because "...." has been mainly responsible for my stunted growth. And also for my high strung emotional behavior because "..." has aggravated me too much.

Then I will rediscover my peaceful self again.  I'm not a vindictive hateful person. But my emotions get the better of me. My conditions have been largely responsible for my intense reactions. That's what the psychologist told me last week. She diagnosed me with emotional distress syndrome and she said that it's because of my traumatic childhood and "..." and the depression of my "....." 's death.... 

I'm glad that I found the psychologist and she told me she will help me straighten out my life. She has been very kind and offered me a lot of support.

I know you deep down

 

That's awesome 

Oh that's great

I always felt like she should have been there for you

Don't rush anything. Let it all fall in place.

Don't blame yourself for ANYTHING

Can you imagine I had a "..." long struggle through depression since "..." death in December.. . I mean it's been so long I was stuck in grief and  pain and the cycle of misery and fights with "..." 

That's a lot

 

I was stuck for long because there was no ".........." help

I know and I've felt bad for you

Now finally I am having some breakthrough. And I'm glad my "....." is ready to cooperate. I will get freedom from the hell my "...." created since childhood

 

I'm so sorry for all that you've had to endure

You are so amazing deep down

You just need time to heal

This is why a psychologist is needed. I told my "... " several times to help me out but "..." never really believed that I was suffering. "...." thought I was doing drama. Now when the psychologist persuaded "..." , "...." finally realized that I need help.

I really hate that

I've been mad at her over all of it

I've judged her a lot

Yea I tried to talk to my "..." so many times over a period of " years. And she never believed me."..... "... "convinced "... " that  I am all drama. Angry emoticon

 

I think being in that culture has been detrimental for you

Brb gonna let phone charge like 10 mins

".. " was the real reason I could never get help. But the struggle is over. Now I can finally have the life I want. And my life will be extremely beautiful because deep down I'm a beautiful person. I never hurt anyone. I like peace and happiness. I would never let my "..." suffer

Thank you for listening.

 

Of course

I still care a lot about You

That won't change

I care deeply about you. I won't leave your side as long as I'm alive in this world.

K gonna charge a bit

Edited November 12, 2019 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I will also be discussing certain behaviors which need to be weeded out and straightened out in order to be spiritually strong. 

Some of these disorders or behaviors are 

Borderline primary

Borderline secondary 

Emotional distress syndrome 

Psychopathic  disorder

Sociopathic disorder 

Schizoid disorder 

General aggression, rage, control, trigger, attachment, low impulse control. Combine psychological disorder. 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited November 12, 2019 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

 

 

Borderline primary.. Genuine Borderlines

Is where basic Borderline symptoms and some added symptoms are displayed. 

Examples 

Intense emotions 

Intense reactions 

Rage 

Suicidal tendencies 

Unstable emotions 

Unstable reactions 

 

 

Borderline secondary 

The tendency to show primary symptoms along with extreme creepy behaviors and extreme needs and control behavior and hidden rage and manipulative tendencies. Are not genuine. Faking a lot of symptoms for sympathy, validation, acceptance, attention. 

• Pathological lying 
• Lot of cover up 
• Reserved 
• High privacy needs 
• Not welcoming 
• Anti-social traits 
• Lacking empathy 
• Manipulative 
• Blackmail and trap back 
• Self blame and self deprecation which is fake 
• Ulterior motives 
• Copying socially programmed behaviors and emulating them when needed
• Suicide threats 
• Control freaks.. Control every move 
• Stalking, spying, 
• Fear of rejection 
• They can't let go 
• Extreme insecurity 
• Aggressive rage 
• Hidden rage 
• Need to dictate and dominate 
• Creepy dismissive and detached vibes 
• Lack of openness or graciousness 
• Immaturity 
• Disregard of another's suffering and substituting and magnifying their little problems in the middle of someone else's suffering. 
• Feeling intense self pity but no pity for others.
• Need to be center of attention 
• Victim mentality 
• Isolation of the partner and friendly behavior with the family 
• Perverted sexual behavior 
• Need to constantly blame and chastise and condemn 
• Guilt trip and gaslight 
• Make you feel like you have always deprived them 
• Harassment and heckling 
• Long emails or conversations which are wishy washy and vague. They are difficult to argue with because they never get straight to the point. Beating around the bush 
• They always mean opposite of what they say. 
• They are generally despondent and sadistic 
• They invent lies 
• Creating past and future scenarios to fit their narratives and to gaslight 
• Plotting and scheming to act like a victim later or to make you look bad. 

 

 

bpd or borderline disorder is slightly different and it involves using victimhood and using extreme strategies to keep the person in control aka Jodi arias.. My ex was like that.. They usually use suicide to hold you back in the relationship. They have to paint the picture that they can't live without you and that they will extremely damaged if you left them, thus either blackmailing you or playing to get your sympathy. They feel no empathy for the other person's pain or problems and only see themselves as the only one who is getting impacted in every way. They are not necessarily narcissistic but they differ from narcissists in a way that they believe that everything is only about them. They completely disregard the other person's needs or problems or psychological effects and see everything from their own angle

 Even if they are made to notice how the other person is also suffering either because of them or others, they show a cursory or fake response of concern or seriousness, it's like they are incapable of understanding the seriousness of a situation at all, they act teenagey and lack maturity and understanding and gravity of a situation. They only feel bad when their emotions are getting hurt but fail to acknowledge that the sufferings of the other person are actually bigger than their hurt feelings.. They easily get butt hurt and resort to extreme behaviors to make themselves look good but deep down they are seething with jealousy and insecurity and the need to be constantly given attention and importance in the relationship. 

They are usually sadistic and don't smile when others are smiling or rejoicing and they are always the victim even when nothing offensive happened. They have to be center of the attention and they feel good only when they are given constant attention.. 

They try to self deprecate themselves in an effort to win praise or sympathy from people around them.. 

They cannot take being abandoned and such an action causes them to be aggressive 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited November 12, 2019 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Narcissists feed off the low self esteem of the target person  They attack and constantly attack the target in order to upgrade their own self worth. It becomes an addictive cycle for them without them being conscious about it. They drain the target emotionally. 

They manipulate the target initially to make them believe that the Narcissistic individual is the best person for them and they provide a shield of protection and concern for the target. Once they have won favor, they start using covert and then open strategies to constantly gaslight and manipulate the target. 

A narcissist is usually detected by a bunch of pattern behaviors and some common statements they make are similar to 

"you are not good enough" 

"I can do better than you." 

"you are really dumb." 

"you are ugly" 

"I can do better than most" 

"you are on a short leash" 

"if you don't like me, it's your loss" 

"you won't find anyone better than me" 

"I can easily replace you"

"that person does better than you. Maybe I should hire him" 

"don't believe anyone. I have told you the truth. You are dumb. You can't think for yourself. You can't be trusted." 

"you will ruin it. Let me do it. You can't handle this."

"you are not a good role model" 

"if I was on the panel, I would win and I would totally own them " 

They have a God complex. 

Narcissists are also big time hypocrites. They do something bad and defend it but when you make the same mistakes, they attack you for them. But if they make the same mistakes they expect to be understood or forgiven. 

One favorite strategy they use is to constantly project on the target the behaviors they themselves engage in. Like creating hypothetical scenarios. For example a narcissist would say, "I know you are a liar," " why would you do that, are you doing this to make me look bad" when in reality they are the ones who are actually lying. They might say something like "are you trying to scam me or rip me off" when in reality they could be the ones who are siphoning your account. Similarly if they are cheating behind your back, they might say "I don't know, maybe you are talking to that person, who else are you flirting with, this is gross, I never thought you would do this"..... You keep defending yourself but they don't listen. They are not ready for a defense. 

Even if you successfully defended yourself, they are going to downplay instead of being supportive like, "ahh alright, I don't know. I can't trust you still." 

They always make you look small.. 

They get massively triggered when challenged and they may ridicule or mock your achievements and downplay your support or good actions. 

 

But they wil surely highlight your flaws and magnify your little mistakes and extend them to criminalize you. 

You can never be a good person in their eyes and they make sure that you are always looking for their validation and permission by keeping a tab on you and controlling your life.. 

This way they satisfy their need to always have the upper hand in every situation. Plus they pump themselves up and feel good about their inflated personalities. This energy drives them to work towards their goals and they are constantly looking to reward themselves in some way at the expense of the misery of the target. 

Deep down they are abusive control freaks and when they see a vulnerable person this strategy helps to keep the target feel infantilized and controlled and threatened and totally owned by the Narcissistic owner. 

They feel power. It's all about having more power and the thrill out of it.. 

They never let go this power struggle because letting it go is a huge insecurity and fear for them. They don't see security in not having power. So they have to have the final word, the final say, the final decision and the final solution. 

Other important characteristic of a narcissist is use and throw. They use the target as long as they can and when the purpose is fully served they just dump the target and move on like it was a carousel ride. They don't seem to feel affected by a breakup. It's just another turn in their life. 

They are very selfish but they know how to guilt the other person to feel terrible and make themselves look like the anointed or martyr.. 

Targets get attracted to narcissists because of the feeling of short term security and affection and validation they provide. This helps a person who has low self esteem or has previously been abused. Narcissists offer fake support and praise for the target and sympathy for the abuse and make themselves look like the protector or leader there to guide you every step of the way. However this is just a part of their strategy to keep the target in control. 

 

Narcissists suffer from delusional disorder. They believe nothing bad can happen and everything will perfectly as their plan 

 

[Preety_India]

November 12 

 

Breakup day 

 

Edited November 12, 2019 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

[Preety_India]

Feeling better and free today 

 

Finally breathing 

[Preety_India]

I love British people..they are cool

 

 

[Preety_India]

You killed me 

 

 

[Preety_India]

So today a new chapter finally begins. 

And I'm hopeful that finally this will be something good.

Trying to focus on whatever I need to be doing . 

My focus cards are helping me 

 

[Preety_India]

The Ayahuasca tea and everything wow it was good. 

Feel better after I woke up  

Like very grounded but still floating in terms of imagination. 

I feel very forgiving now. It's intense. I feel a certain kind of music touching me.  

It's like this. I will record this in the other journal. 

 

[Preety_India]

I have come to a massive massive  awakening in my life..... After a lot of crying and all the tripping.  

Only reality matters. Only and only reality, no matter how bizarre, how false, how constrained, how unfitting and contradictory..... Only reality matters in the end. 

 

 

 

My reality.. Your reality. His reality. Her reality. Their reality. 

... Only that is true.. 

 

Through the tears...... 

Accept reality no matter how bitter it is.... 

 

Accept and understand how things are. Let go that needs to be let go. 

Understand what your body needs. Understand the bigger picture. The STRUCTURE NOT THE CONTENT. DON'T GET ANGRY AT THE CONTENT. SEE THE STRUCTURE. 

LOOK at it from above. See what can be done to change things that suit your life purpose. Don't be stuck in the content. Be set on the structure 

 

Forget good, evil, right, wrong, me, you..... Just know that reality will be what it is. 

Let go. And let things be good. Let the beginning be towards a better end. You can only do so much. Rest leave to God 

You can't have everything. Understand limitations. 

[Preety_India]

I'm looking forward to a brand new future. Of beauty and transcendence. 

Leaving my old cloak behind 

I'm now going to use another concept in my life and I will call it the big focus concept 

Having the bigger picture of reality in my mind all the time 

'....' are very negative. This negativity should be kept away. 

Negative energy impacts life in a huge way. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

Having the bigger picture of reality in my mind all the time

This concept I will call the Rubik's cube concept 

 

[Preety_India]

The traits which I observe is 

• Self centered
• Super productive
• High achiever
• Great strength and abilities
• Low on emotions
• Obsession with work 
• Practical and realistic
• Maturity and decency
• Non aggression 
• Opposite of borderline 
• High definition thinking...big picture thinking 
• High on preemptive reasoning
• Some degree of narcissism
• High ego to the point of hubris 
• Move on swiftly. Things happen fast
• Don't sit with something for too long. Want everything to work out super fast and immediately come to judgement .
• High risk taker 
• Kids are toys
• No patience
• No depth with respect to spirituality and character 
•  

Edited November 13, 2019 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

........I know I'm weak ..in weakness lies strength 

I did everything for you...

I never knew I was alone the whole time ....

In my weakness I'll find my strength

You pushed me. .I got back up..

 

And in the end I found myself ....

I made it through....

 

 

Edited November 13, 2019 by Preety_India