Why You Got Into Cold Approach Pick Up In The First Place, And How You Lost That

[NilsFlair]

**A Orange (deep in pick up conditioning) transition to Green (deep into self acceptance and emotional embrace) post.**

 

Hey guys, I want to give you an insight into something that might be more personal for most of you.

 

And this is to show you that most of you lost the reason you got into cold approach pick up and that this more than anything else keeps you lost and confused.

 

I’ve seen this with myself, and I’ve seen this with thousands of people that I’ve met in the community over the years. And in a way I think that it’s sad, in another way I understand how simple it is to make this mistake and not notice it.

 

The heartbreaking part of it is that literally hundreds of thousands of guys are pouring in enormous amounts of time and energy into this, for many guys the spend most of their youth doing this.

 

So much time, and so much energy, being misdirected..

 

Chasing goals that you don’t even want..

 

Falling prey to a path that you didn’t choose consciously..

 

What it is that I’m talking about is that guys get into cold approach pick up because it offers a solution to their desperation, limitation, or lack of ability to get women.

 

I will never forget that sunny day on the parking lot, waiting in the car while my parents went into a store, randomly watching my first ever video about cold approach pick up.

 

I was struck hard, it felt like the epiphany of my life. 

 

I was for the first time in my life presented a solution to my desperation with women, I learned for the first time that there was a way to get women for myself, it wasn’t up to fate, it wasn’t up to luck, I could influence it, I could change, I could transform.

 

Images of what my future could be started flooding my perception, my mind could for the first time in my life comprehend that it was possible for me to get girls. I was in awe, and ever since that day I knew my trajectory had changed.

 

And I maintained this strong optimism for years. 

 

To me Pick up meant possibility, options, ability to improve and transform.

 

I got into this to let go of my limitations, to be able to be my true self, to attract women with who I am, to have deep connections and share amazing experiences with women. 

 

I wanted to let go and transcend the deeply rooted mentalities I had that I didn’t deserve the women I truly wanted, and I thought that cold approach pick up was the best way to do that.

 

From that day, I started the journey. It had many ups and downs and was incredible hard at countless times. But no matter how hard it got I maintained my focus, I kept going.

 

The problem was that this focus was being redirected without me knowing about it, it was subconscious.

 

From the beginning the things I wanted to achieve was to be able to be my true self with women and share amazing experiences and deep connections with them.

 

But slowly my focus got corrupted into setting up a goal to having sex with 100 girls, to close as much as I could, to go into crazier and crazier situations, to become a master pick up artist and gain the respect of that, to be the best in pick up.

 

None of these goals were actually congruent, none of them was what I truly wanted.

 

When I reached a 100 lays, I was happy for a day, and the I felt like I was thrown back into the grind. 

 

The mentality of trying to close as much as I could lead me to ignore amazing girls after I had fucked them, just to try and close a new girl the next day.

 

Going into crazier and crazier situations eventually led to me experiencing anxiety if I didn’t go crazier, and when I stopped compulsively doing that I had created a huge block of anxiety that took months to clear.

 

I never became a master pick up artist or the best in pick up for that matter, because after about two and a half years I started to become jaded. 

 

All of the energy and time that I put into this process, all of the hardcore grinding didn’t give me what I wanted, because I had forgotten what that was.

 

I was about to walk away from pick up entirely, if it wasn’t for the conversations I had with Chris when he asked me to join to build Social Prime together. He made me for the first time aware that there was something I had overlooked, that maybe the solution wasn’t to walk away in defeat, but to find what I had lost, and to give myself what it was that I wanted.

 

I was so disconnected from that that I didn’t even know it, I just felt this feeling of deep hope, and that was one of the main reasons I decided to join, instead of walking away.

 

The journey from there was interesting, ups and downs like I’ve never had before, problems that increased so much in complexity that I had no choice but to evolve more than I thought I could. The last 2 years feels like 25 years in my mind, in terms of the density of experiences and learning.

And I had the continuation of my own personal journey in this time as well.

 

I quickly found many parts of my mind being heavily conditioned by pick up conditioning, in mostly dysfunctional ways.

 

I would literally unconsciously scan every environment for women, all the time. And a lot of times I wouldn’t feel in the mood to approach, that would then be followed by a deep judgement of how I sucked because I didn’t approach and giving me a feeling of light anxiety.

 

I would perceive women as pretty much objects. I wouldn’t actually care about the girls, only as it related to going home together, I would listen to them, but mostly I wasn’t actually involved in the conversation.

 

I would judge myself and others all the time. I would constantly judge girls on looks, I would judge guys on their “skills” with women, I would judge myself on my performance every single minute, almost like I had some sort of pick up judge in my head always looking at me and trying to force me to “be as productive as possible” using guilt and shame as means of control.

 

I couldn’t connect with girls at all, I was scared shitless of it. When I realized this I tried to open myself up to it, and I had my first sort of deep connection with a girl, but my mind would mess with me and would make me perceive her amazing at one time and completely useless at another time.

 

I would say things I didn’t want to say, just to get something out of it. And even when I got it, I wasn’t happy.

 

There is more, way more. But this post is not about pick up conditioning.

 

These were some of the dysfunctional patterns that I got indoctrinated into through the ideology of pick up..

 

I use these very harsh words, because for me it was a harsh truth to realize in myself, that I let myself get brainwashed.

 

I didn’t ask for that, yet it happened.

 

And I see it happening to so many guys out there, and most of them have no clue about it. They are all happy and excited now, and in a couple of years they might end up totally jaded and depressed, it’s really not uncommon. 

 

The two most common types of guys I’ve met from the community is the excited new guy and the jaded guy who’s been doing pick up for years.

 

This is not an attack on the pick up community.

 

This is not an attack on the possibilities of cold approach pick up.

 

This is not an attack on breaking out of your limitations with women.

 

This is not an attack on changing yourself as a person, attracting and connecting with the women that you’ve always dreamed of.

 

This is an attack on the toxic and not often discussed aspects of pick up that can destroy a man's happiness and life.

 

I want to make clear that there are amazing things and ideas inside the pick up community, but there are also horrible and destructive ideas as well.

 

If you don’t consciously separate them from each other, you will get both, they will get imprinted in your mind, so that even when you stop, they will still be there.

 

The process of slowly decluttering your mind of the pick up conditioning is something I will make content about in the future, but for now I want to turn to something more uplifting. To reclaim what you have lost.

 

Why did you get into cold approach pick up? 

 

What was it what you wanted for yourself, not for anybody else, your authentic desire?

 

Commit yourself to creating that, and drop everything else in this area. 

 

Be clear with yourself, you might actually have to sit down and think through what it was that you actually got into this for, it might be buried deep down, but you will find it.

 

Make sure that it’s crystal clear, no confusion. And make sure that it is what you want, independent of any conditioning, of any external influences.

 

Once you have it clear, now you know where you’re going, now you’re not confused or lost anymore.

 

That’s it.

 

-Nils Flair